Mutant Histeria
by ColdFusion180
Summary: An accident during a recruiting mission sends the Acolytes on a madness-packed trip through time. Come see what insanity ensues!
1. Acolytes Will Happen

**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution**

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><p><strong><span>Mutant Histeria<span>**

**Chapter One: Acolytes Will Happen**

"Are you sure this is the right place?" Remy asked.

"Of course," Magneto said levitating next to him. The Acolytes were hiding in the backyard of a nice suburban house. "Mastermind used MADNESS three times to confirm that a mutant signature was coming from this location."

"If you say so," Remy shrugged peering through a small set of binoculars. "I still don't see anyone."

"Maybe the mutant left in the car that pulled out when we got here," Pyro suggested.

"Perhaps, but I doubt it was one of that elderly couple," Magneto considered the possibility. "Mastermind?"

"I am still detecting one person left in the house," Mastermind focused his powers. "Though I am unable to determine if the individual present is a mutant."

"Very well," Magneto decided. "We will enter the house presuming the remaining person is the mutant. If not we will neutralize the person and wait for the mutant to come back."

"Great," Sabertooth growled.

"Gambit, disable any security systems you can find," Magneto ordered. "Sabertooth, Mastermind, locate the individual. Colossus, you keep an eye on Pyro and make sure he doesn't do anything foolish."

"Like what?" Piotr asked.

"Like set the place on fire and burn us all to a crisp!" Magneto snapped.

"Great, I always get the hard job," Piotr sighed armoring up.

The Acolytes quickly snuck across the backyard and carefully approached the back door. Remy easily picked the locks and bypassed the burglar alarm. "All done." He silently opened the door. "Come on in."

"Huh, kind of a funny place," Pyro glanced at the contrast of antique and high tech items decorating the house. "Ooo, candles!"

"Do not even think about it," Piotr quickly moved to block Pyro's access to them.

"Nobody up here," Sabertooth growled panning his head from side to side. "Sounds like the target is mucking around in the basement."

CRACK!

WHIRRR!

FIZZZ! FIZZZ! FIZZZ!

"No, you think?" Mastermind gave him a look as a gaggle of loud noises echoed up from a stairway.

Sabertooth glared at Mastermind as the Acolytes made their way down into a large, brightly lit basement. Rows of electronic equipment lined the walls along with shelves full of strange devices and spare parts. A figure hunched over one of several lab tables while working, completely oblivious to the silent presence of the six mutants.

Magneto motioned the Acolytes to slightly fan out and surround the figure before announcing himself. "Greetings."

The figure was too engrossed in work to acknowledge him. Magneto frowned and tried again. "Greetings!" The figure continued to ignore him.

"HEY YOU! LISTEN UP!" Sabertooth roared.

"Whoa, what?" The figure spun around to reveal a young, dark haired man with tan skin. "Hey, who are you? How did you get in here?"

"Way to be subtle, Victor," Magneto muttered before addressing the figure. "Greetings. I am Magneto. And I am like you. Someone born with special gifts. A mutant."

"You're a mutant too?" The figure blinked at him. "Hey, I think I've seen you before. Didn't a giant, flaming robot fall on you or something?"

"Or something, yes," Magneto hissed in annoyance.

"Face it Mags, you're never gonna be able to disassociate yourself from that," Remy chuckled.

"Silence Gambit!" Magneto snapped.

"Whoa!" The figure gasped noticing the other Acolytes. "Who are you guys?"

"Mutants," Sabertooth growled intimidating. "Who are you?"

"Uh, the name's Forge," The figure studied the Acolytes for a moment. "So you're all mutants? Trippy!"

"Trippy?" Piotr repeated.

"Yeah," Forge nodded. "You know, like far out. Hip. Groovy."

"Uh," Piotr looked very confused.

"Never mind," Forge waved. "So, are you guys with Xavier?"

"Not quite," Magneto stated. "Xavier is a dreamer and idealist when it comes to mutants. I am a realist and take a more...pragmatic approach."

"Okay," Forge shrugged. "So, what. Is this like some kind of recruiting gig?"

"Exactly," Magneto spread his hands wide. "I offer you the chance to join us and work toward building the future to help achieve mutant kind's destiny!"

"Mmmm, no thanks," Forge declined. "I'm not really much of a joiner. Besides, I'm already working on a ton of projects that will help build the future right here!"

"And what a valuable collection of projects they are too," Remy ran his hands over an impressive array of small tools and gizmos. "Say, are these **real** diamonds?"

"Yep," Forge confirmed. "I cut them myself and use 'em for grinding, customized semiconductors and drill bits."

"You don't say," Remy grinned. "Sweet!"

"Ooo, what's this thingy do?" Pyro picked a sleek backpack-like device off a shelf. It had a slightly bluish tint along with a chest-mounted control panel with several buttons and screens built flush to its surface.

"Hey, be careful with that!" Forge warned. "That's my time machine!"

"A time machine?" Piotr repeated studying the device. "Interesting. So what time is it?"

"No, not that kind of time machine," Forge corrected. "I mean a real time machine. You know, like H.G. Wells and all that jazz?"

"What?" Remy blinked at him. "You mean that is a real, working time machine?"

"Well technically," Forge shrugged. "It's kinda glitchy and I'm still working on getting a lot of the bugs out of it."

"Impossible," Magneto declared. "Time travel is a myth. It would require a near infinite amount of energy to even begin to create a hole in four-dimensional space-time, much less send somebody through it. No power source on Earth creates enough energy for that!"

"Until now," Forge boasted proudly and indicated the device. "This baby runs on a nuclear fusion/zero point energy hybrid utilizing a cheap and plentiful fatty-alkali compound for fuel." He grabbed a small carton off a nearby workbench and opened it.

"Soap?" Remy blinked at the contents. "You're telling us that thing runs on **soap**?"

"Yep," Forge grinned.

"Oh come on!" Sabertooth scoffed. "How could a skinny runt like you manage to create a soap-powered time machine?"

"That's my power," Forge told them. "I can create and invent any kind of machine I can imagine. I have a natural affinity for determining how mechanical devices work. Plus I am a bit of a super-genius."

"Not to mention modest," Remy quipped.

"Wait a second," Pyro nearly dropped the device and studied Forge for a minute. "Dark hair...tan skin...ability to invent things...HOOLY DOOLEY IT'S HIM!" He pointed to Remy in triumph. "See! I told you we'd end up meeting him someday!"

"Huh?" Remy blinked. "What the heck are you talking about?"

"Yay! I always knew it would happen!" Pyro handed the device off to Piotr and eagerly ran up to Forge. "Tell us, is your name Tao?"

"Uh...excuse me?" Forge blinked in confusion.

"Your name! Your non-mutant name!" Pyro was practically bouncing up and down. "Is it Tao? Is your non-mutant name Tao? Huh? Is it? Is it? Is it?"

"Well actually, my real name is..." Forge began.

"Enough!" Magneto shouted cutting him off. "Pyro, cease you idiotic babbling at once! And you!" He loomed over Forge menacingly. "I have offered you the chance to join the fight for mutant superiority. Refusing my offer would be** very **unfortunate!"

"I'd listen to him if I were you," Sabertooth growled showing his claws. "Just saying."

"Oh yeah? Well here's a saying for you. Never mess with an inventor!" Forge formed his arm into a large hand cannon and pointed it straight at Magneto. Magneto casually used his powers to redirect the cannon to point directly at Forge's head. "Um, on second thought..."

"Now," Magneto watched Forge revert the cannon back to his arm and released his hold on it. "You will come with us and work as I direct you, or the elderly couple that left here earlier will become the **permanently** departed. Understood?"

"Uh," Forge gulped. "Well, when you put it like that..."

"Will you please stop poking at that thing?" Piotr looked nervously at Pyro who had managed to take back the backpack-like device.

"But I wanna push the buttons," Pyro whined as he fiddled with the machine. "They're so nice and buttony."

"Give me that!" Remy walked over and moved to take the device away.

"But I haven't finished pushing all the buttons yet!" Pyro protested and tried to keep it out of reach.

"Well you've succeeded in pushing mine!" Remy snapped. "Now put it down!"

"No!" Pyro yelped.

"Please! Stop this!" Piotr attempted to break them up.

"Oh for crying out loud!" Sabertooth growled and angrily joined the struggle. "You idiots knock it off or I'll knock off your..."

THA-WHUMMM!

"Um, what was that?" Pyro blinked as the four mutants paused from fighting.

"Uh oh," Piotr gulped as the device began to hum ominously. "This does not sound good."

"Quick, get rid of it...AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Remy yelped as all the Acolytes except for Magneto suddenly seemed to glow before vanishing with a loud pop.

"Okay," Magneto blinked for a moment. "What just happened to my subordinates?"

"Well, they obviously managed to activate my time machine and have traveled through time," Forge picked himself up having taken cover behind a far lab table.

"What?" Magneto gasped in shock. "You mean that thing was **real**?"

"Well yeah," Forge nodded. "I said it was, didn't I?"

"O-kay," Magneto struggled to accept the situation. "So how do you bring them back?"

"Uh, about that," Forge laughed nervously. "I can't."

"WHAT?!" Magneto shouted.

"You see the only way for them to return is to use the machine," Forge explained quickly. "And the system used to set the destination time and coordinates is one of the bugs that I haven't quite managed to fix yet."

"I see," Magneto turned to stare at him.

"Look, I'm really sorry about them getting lost and all," Forge gulped and shank from Magneto's gaze. "You're going to kill me for inventing that time machine, aren't you?"

"I might," Magneto tilted his head in thought. "Right after I decide whether or not you have managed to do me a favor."


	2. City Alight

**City Alight**

"Ahhh!" Pyro gasped as the Acolytes collapsed in a heap. "Ooo, that tickled! I feel tingley all over! Except for this weird bumpy thing sticking me in the bum."

"That's my spine you idiot!" Remy snapped shoving Pyro off him. He angrily got to his feet. "Why do you always have to end up falling on **me**?!"

"Cause I'm cute?" Pyro ventured innocently.

"Grrr," Remy growled in annoyance.

"What happened?" Piotr asked while attempting to look around. "I can not see very well. It is too dark."

"And cold," Mastermind shivered huddling in his coat. "It wasn't like this a minute ago."

"We're in the middle of a dirt street," Sabertooth grunted, his eyes easily adjusting to the darkness. "Deserted by the looks of it. Surrounded by wooden buildings. As for what happened, it's obvious one of you stupid lunkheads sent off the machine!"

"Who are you calling a lunkhead, Furball?" Remy snapped.

"Yeah!" Pyro added. "You were trying to grab the thingy too!"

"Are you saying it was **my** fault?" Sabertooth growled dangerously.

"Don't have to! You just did!" Pyro snapped.

"Stop! Please! This is no time to fight," Piotr tried to break them up.

"Piotr's right," Remy said backing down. "We need to find out where we are. Anybody see Magneto?"

"No, but I see a lot of weird buildings," Sabertooth noticed several domes piercing the skyline. "And everything smells like horses."

"There are no lights in any of the buildings and none of the streetlights are on," Mastermind said glancing around. "And I don't see the house we were just in either."

"The machine must have teleported us to another part of city or something," Remy turned to Piotr. "Where does it say we are?"

"Uh, I am not sure," Piotr stared at one of the screens in confusion. A random series of numbers and symbols appeared on it.

"Oh no," Remy groaned. "What did you do?"

"Nothing," Piotr told him. "I did nothing!"

"Great," Sabertooth snorted. "The Russian broke the machine!"

"I did not!" Piotr protested.

"Quiet!" Mastermind hissed focusing on his powers. "I sense someone coming!"

"Me too," Sabertooth tilted his head. "Take cover!"

The Acolytes quickly blended into the darkness as a group of four people appeared around a corner. Two of them carried burning torches.

"Psst." Remy nudged Sabertooth and made a hand motion. Sabertooth nodded as he and Remy easily slipped behind the group and rendered them all unconscious.

"Why did you do that?" Piotr hissed as Sabertooth dragged the figures into an alley.

"So we can question them and figure out where the heck we are," Remy said.

"And shake 'em down to see if they have anything of value," Pyro chirped.

"That too," Remy smirked.

"Oh dear," Piotr groaned strapping on the machine. "It is kind of hard to question them when they are knocked out."

"So we wait a few minutes for them to wake up," Sabertooth dumped the figures in a line and stripped them of their possessions. "We must have ended up on some old military base or something. They're all carrying guns."

"Wait a second," Mastermind had retrieved one of the torches and shined it on the weapons. "Those are muskets! Flintlocks!"

"Flintlocks?" Remy repeated. "You mean those old things that use gunpowder?"

"Yes. And look at this," Mastermind shone the light on the figures. "See their uniforms? They're dressed like soldiers right out of the early nineteenth century!"

"Are you sure?" Remy asked.

"Of course I'm sure!" Mastermind snapped. "Just look at them!"

"So what? They must be part of a re-enactment group or something," Sabertooth snorted. "Or some really obssesed history buffs."

"Uh, I do not think so," Piotr gulped looking down at the machine's chest-mounted control panel. The Acolytes stared at the screen which had been covered with numbers and symbols. It now clearly displayed:

**September 14, 1812 A.D.  
>Moscow, Russia<strong>

"Oh no," Mastermind gulped as the realization finally began to sink in. "That mutant inventor was right. It really **is** a time machine!"

"But that's impossible!" Sabertooth was stunned. "Magneto said that time travel is a myth!"

"Well it looks like Mags was wrong!" Remy snapped. "You can rub that in his face the next time we see him! **If** we manage to see him!"

"Quick! Set that thing back for our own time and let's get outta here!" Mastermind yelped.

"How?" Piotr poked at the buttons in frustration. "I do not know how to work this thing."

"Great! We're doomed! Doomed!" Mastermind threw up his hands. "Stuck in the past over a hundred years before any of us are ever born!"

"Most of us anyway," Piotr glanced at Sabertooth. "Have **you** been born yet?"

"None of your business!" Sabertooth snarled at him.

"Just asking," Piotr gulped.

"Uhhh..." One of the soldiers moaned and began to stir.

"Hey, this one's waking up," Remy noticed. "Might as well question him to see if we are where the machine says we are."

"Yeah. For all we know the device could be broken and showing us the wrong information," Mastermind groaned. "The inventor did say it was glitchy and full of bugs."

"At least this guy won't be afraid of mutants," Remy crouched down next to the soldier. "He's never heard of one. Piotr, can you come over here to question him?"

"Okay," Piotr stopped poking at the machine and did so.

"Oooh," The soldier slowly opened his eyes. He blinked at the Acolytes for a moment. "AAAHHHHHH!"

"So much for not being afraid of mutants," Sabertooth snorted.

"I think waking up and seeing a guy with red-on-black eyes, an overgrown alley cat and a man made out of metal would be just a **little** shocking," Mastermind gave him a look.

"You forgot the talking monkey," Sabertooth growled dangerously. "Who will end up being a **dead** monkey if he doesn't watch what he says!"

"Will you shut up!" Remy snapped at his teammates. The solider stopped screaming too. "That's better. Piotr, ask him where we are."

"And what the date is," Mastermind added.

"Okay," Piotr did so in Russian.

"_Ahhh! Miséricorde! S'il vous plaît, miséricorde!_" The soldier yelped.

"Wait a second," Remy blinked. "That's not Russian. That's French!"

"French?" Sabertooth frowned. "What's a French soldier doing in Moscow? If we're even in Moscow."

"Oh no," Piotr and Mastermind gasped in realization. They stared at each other in horror.

"Well, at least we know the location-displaying part of the machine is working," Remy said after managing to question the soldier in French. "His answers match with where and when the machine says we are." He noticed Piotr and Mastermind's expressions. "Uh, are two okay?"

"No," Piotr gulped nervously. "If French soliders are in Moscow, than that means..."

"Uh, where's Pyro?" Mastermind looked around frantically.

WHOOOOOOSSSHHH!

KA-BOOOOOOM!

"YAHOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Oh no," Piotr gulped and ran out of the alley.

"That nut! He didn't!" Mastermind quickly followed him.

"Hey, what's going on?" Remy and Sabertooth chased after their teammates. "What did that flame-brained lunatic do now?"

"Uh," The soldier blinked at their abrupt exit. "_Pardon?_"

"HAHAHAHAHA!" Pyro cackled insanely as he stood at the far end of the street surrounded by burning buildings. He gleefully shot flames in all directions. "YEAH! YEAH!"

"PYRO YOU MANIAC!" Piotr yelled incredulously. "YOU BURNED MOSCOW!"

"Parts of it anyway," Sabertooth grunted.

"Oh man!" Remy slapped his forehead. "We should have **known** this would happen!"

"Looking back it is rather obvious," Mastermind groaned.

"_Arrêt_!" A squad of soldiers burst onto the scene. "_Vive l'Empereur!_"

"Here ya go mates!" Pyro directed the flames using his powers. "Have some light and warm up!"

"AAAGGGHHHHHHHHH!" The French soldiers fled in terror.

"Talk about a warm welcome," Remy sighed.

"You have no idea," Mastermind groaned.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Pyro spread more fires as he happily skipped away.

"COME BACK HERE!" Piotr screamed chasing after him.

"Hey, wait for us!" Remy yelled as the rest of the Acolytes ran off just as more soldiers appeared to investigate the fires. "We gotta figure out how to use the machine!"

"Hopefully before too many **other** historical sites are destroyed," Mastermind moaned as buildings burned on either side of them. "Though considering our track record I wouldn't count on it!"

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><p><strong>Note: No offense or disrespect is intended towards any who were involved or experienced the events mentioned or will be mentioned in the story. The use of historical settings and figures are for humor purposes only.<strong>

**All dates are given using the Gregorian calendar system.**

**Historical note: The Great Fire of Moscow of 1812 occurred during Napoleon's Invasion of Russia. Over the next three days more fires would break out and destroy an estimated three-quarters of the city. While possible reasons for later fires range from French carelessness to Russian sabotage, the cause of the original fires has never "officially" been determined.**


	3. Remember the Sane

**Remember the Sane**

"Ow!" Remy painfully banged his knee as the Acolytes landed in a pile, having finally figured out how to activate the machine. "Did it work? Are we back?"

"I do not know. It is still dark," Piotr said standing up. "Though it is a lot warmer out."

"And there're all these big metal pipe things coming up from the floor," Pyro rapped his knuckles on one. "Are we in a factory or something?"

"No, we're on a ship," Sabertooth growled sniffing the air.

"A ship?" Mastermind blinked looking around. The Acolytes were nestled between two towering ship stacks. Three smaller ventilation funnels rose around them.

"Yeah, a ship," Remy gazed out across the water. "Looks like it's anchored just off the coast. Wait, this isn't the Titanic is it?"

"No, it's not," Sabertooth grunted.

"How do you know?" Pyro asked.

"'Cause the Titanic wasn't armed with guns," Sabertooth pointed at a heavy armored turret.

"Oh, right," Pyro peeked under a nearby lifeboat and noticed the large naval cannons. "Well, that's a relief."

"Yeah. We're probably on a battleship in the middle of a war zone," Mastermind grumbled. "That's a **lot** safer!"

"Where does the machine say we are?" Remy asked Piotr.

"I do not know," Piotr looked down at the chest-mounted screen. "It is showing lines of numbers and symbols again."

"Great. Just great," Mastermind groaned holding his head. "Lost in time and with a broken time machine."

"It's not broken," Pyro corrected. "We just can't set where we travel too."

"Oh, that makes me feel so much better," Mastermind moaned.

"Maybe we are back," Remy suggested gazing at the night sky. "Maybe we're just in the wrong place at the right time."

"You mean we've ended up somewhere else, but returned to the same time as when we left," Mastermind blinked. "That's not a bad idea."

"Let's hope that's what happened," Sabertooth grunted. "I'd rather hitchhike around the world than leave my fate in the hands of that stupid machine again."

"I am afraid you will be disappointed," Piotr spoke up. "The numbers and symbols have gone away. The machine seems to need a few moments before displaying the time and location." He took off the machine and positioned a screen towards them. It read:

**February 15, 1898 A.D.  
>Havana Harbor, Cuba<strong>

"1898?" Mastermind blinked. "Great. We're still over a hundred years in the past!"

"That kills the 'wrong place, right time' theory," Pyro shrugged.

"At least we are a lot closer to our own time than we used to be," Piotr tried to be optimistic.

"Yeah, at this rate we oughta make it back in another hundred years," Sabertooth growled. "A hundred years **our** time!"

"What do you mean our time?" Piotr asked. "You mean travel time?"

"No, he means time traveler time," Pyro said. "The time we spend traveling instead of the time over which we travel."

"Aren't they the same thing?" Piotr frowned in confusion.

"No. One's our time and one's travel time," Pyro tried to explain. "We travel through time while spending time in our time. So at no time is our time travel time and travel time is our time every time. Get it?"

"Uh," Piotr looked completely lost.

"At least I think that's how it works," Pyro thought for a moment. "As long as we don't lose time at any point in time. Unless we go into overtime. Hmmm, maybe it's one those weird science phenomenons. Does anybody know anything about time dilation and temporal mechanics?"

"Knock it off Firebug!" Sabertooth snapped. "Stop wasting our time by babbling on about time!"

"Yeah, we don't have the time!" Mastermind added. "Oh great. Now you've got **me** doing it!"

"Everybody settle down!" Remy motioned to get their attention. "Look, we can't seem to get anything but a random destination. No problem. We just keep constantly using the machine until we get lucky and end up back in our own time."

"So we activate the machine the moment we arrive somewhere until we get back," Mastermind nodded. "We can do that."

"No we can not," Piotr told him. "The machine says it needs to cool down for a while before we can use it again." He showed them a screen that said: COOL DOWN IN PROGRESS.

"Oh course," Sabertooth groaned. "I knew it wouldn't be that easy!"

"How long does the cool down period take?" Remy asked.

"It does not say," Piotr studied the machine. "I did not notice a cool down time before."

"Probably because we were too busy preventing Pyro from burning everything to ashes," Mastermind grumbled.

"Which he better not try doing to the ship," Sabertooth glared at Pyro warningly. "Or else...hey, what are you doing?"

"Come on, mate. You can't have all the fun," Pyro said as he tried to take the machine from Piotr. "I wanna use it next!"

"Oh no you don't!" Remy reached in and held the machine away from Pyro. "There's no way we're gonna leave **you** in charge of this!"

"Yeah," Sabertooth jeered. "You're the one who got us stuck in this bloody mess in the first place!"

"I am not!" Pyro protested. "You all had your hands on the machine when it went off the first time!"

"I didn't," Mastermind said somewhat smugly.

"Shut up!" Pyro and Sabertooth yelled at him.

"What's going on here?" A sailor appeared around one the ship stacks and spotted the hidden Acolytes. "Ahhh! Who are all of you?"

"Uh oh," Piotr gulped.

"Run!" Remy quickly managed to lightly charge a card and tossed it.

"Aggghhh!" The sailor yelped as the exploding card blinded him.

"Time to go!" Pyro quipped as the Acolytes scrambled down from their hiding place.

"Help! Stowaways!" The sailor was heard shouting.

"Well at least the locals speak English this time," Sabertooth noted.

"Come on! This way!" Remy strapped the machine on over his trench coat. The Acolytes headed for the ship's bow while running along the port deck.

"Who's yelling? What's going on?" A hatch on the forecastle opened and a few sailors popped out to investigate the disturbance.

"Oh dear," Piotr gulped as the Acolytes came to a halt beneath the conning tower. More shouts came from above them.

"Look out!" Mastermind pointed as sailors began moving toward the light deck guns.

"I got 'em!" Remy slipped three cards into his hand and charged them. He aimed for the guns. "Ha...ahhh!" Remy tripped on a cleat just as he let loose his cards. The cards went sailing through the air before disappearing down a nearby ventilation funnel.

"Uh oh," Piotr gulped. "That is not good."

"Abandon ship!" Sabertooth shouted grabbing hold of Mastermind.

"Hey what are you...AAAHHHHHH!" Mastermind yelped as Sabertooth ran past the fore turret and dove over the starboard railing.

"Hold on!" Piotr followed right behind carrying Remy and Pyro and shielding them with his body.

KA-BOOOOOOOOOM!

The forward third of the ship exploded, vaporizing parts of the deck and sending metal debris flying in all directions.

PA-LOOOOSH!

"Gahhh!" Mastermind gasped as he desperately flailed about in the water. "Help! Help! I can't swim!"

"Get off me!" Sabertooth roared as he tried to prevent Mastermind from clawing at his head. "Stop hitting me in the face!" He managed to pry Mastermind off and keep him at arms length. "Just hold on to my arm and lean back! Calm down!"

"Ahhh!" Mastermind whimpered as he struggled to stay afloat. He held Sabertooth's arm in a death grip. "Please! Don't let me drown!"

"Don't tempt me," Sabertooth hissed. "Where did the rest of those fools go?"

"Pwaaa!" Remy breached the surface like a whale and spat out a mouthful of water. Piotr and Pyro bobbed up a second later. "Aggghhh! I got salt water up my nose!"

"Sorry," Piotr apologized having reverted back to his non-armored form. "I should have let go sooner."

"No worries, mate," Pyro coughed while struggling to remain buoyant with his pack. "Without you protecting us we would've be torn to shreds."

"Okay," Piotr gulped while staring at the remains of the rapidly sinking ship.

"Hey, a lifebuoy!" Pyro swam over to a ring-shaped ship's life preserver. He read the lettering on it. "U.S.S. Maine. Huh, that's strange. I thought the machine said we were in Cuba."

"The machine!" Mastermind yelped. "Where's the machine?! Where is it?!"

"Don't worry, I got it," Remy studied the machine as he managed to tread water. "Looks like it's still all in one piece. That mutant inventor must have made it shockproof."

"And waterproof," Piotr noted bobbing next to him. "Thank goodness!"

"I could go for something made one hundred twenty **proof** right about now," Sabertooth spat while staying afloat. "Which I plan to do the minute we finally manage to get out of this place!"

* * *

><p><strong>Historical Note: The U.S.S. Maine was a second-class battleship that was sunk by an explosion while at anchor in Havana Harbor. The event acted as a catalyst, accelerating elements which eventually led to the Spanish-American War. While theories for the sinking range from hitting a naval mine to a spontaneous internal coal bunker fire, an exact cause for the explosion has never "officially" been determined.<strong>


	4. Acolyte-OK

**Acolyte-OK**

"Ooof!" Mastermind yelped as he landed on his back with a thud. He moaned and slowly managed to sit up. "Great, **now** where are we?"

"Someplace dry. That's good enough for me," Sabertooth growled before shaking himself of salt water.

"Hey, watch it Furball!" Remy snapped throwing up his hands. He glared at Sabertooth and began wringing out his hair. "What are you trying to do, imitate a lawn sprinkler?"

"Shut up, Cajun!" Sabertooth hissed at him. "I'm not the only one who got wet!"

"We're **all** wet," Pyro whined while testing his soaked pack. "I can't work up a spark at all!"

"Thank goodness for small favors," Mastermind muttered.

"We seem to be in a bedroom," Piotr noted the small, sparsely furnished room they were in. He moved to a window and gazed out. "And it looks like we are on the second floor."

"In the middle of a town," Remy added joining him at the window. "With dirt streets, carriages, and wooden and stone buildings."

"Stop playing tour guide already," Sabertooth snapped at them. "Where does the machine say we are?"

"Just a second," Remy glanced down at a screen just as the last of the numbers disappeared. It read:

**October 26, 1881 A.D.  
><strong>**Tombstone****, ****Arizona**** Territory**

"Tombstone?" Mastermind repeated. "That's a **real** reassuring name."

"Bet Halloween is popular around here," Sabertooth quipped.

"I think I've heard of this place before," Remy took off the machine and set it on the room's bed so he could remove and wring out his trench coat. "By the looks of things we've ended up in part of the Old West."

"The what?" Piotr frowned in confusion.

"You know, the Wild West. The American West," Remy explained looking out. "Though this place isn't all dull and dreary like you see in the movies. Everything here is bright and colorful."

"Oh, you mean like cowboys and Indians?" Piotr asked.

"Yeah, I think so," Remy finished wringing out his coat. He reached for the machine. "Though there's something else about Tombstone I can't quite remember...uh oh."

"Uh oh?" Mastermind blinked getting to his feet. "What do you mean 'uh oh'?"

"Look," Remy turned the machine towards the Acolytes. One of screens showed 'COOL DOWN IN PROGRESS' while another one displayed 'FUEL EMPTY'."

"Empty?" Sabertooth's eye twitched dangerously. "You mean we're **stuck** here?"

"No we are not," Piotr corrected. "Remember what the inventor said? He designed the time machine to run on soap."

"And you **believed** him?" Sabertooth snapped. "Come on! What kind of crazy, out-of-his-mind wacko comes up with a time machine powered by **soap**?"

"Probably a lunatic with no talent and a twisted sense of humor," Mastermind grumbled.

"Well you better hope this thing's powered by soap," Remy said strapping on the machine before putting on his trench coat. "Otherwise we're gonna spend a long time in an era with lice-infested bed sheets and no toilet paper."

"Good point," Mastermind sighed.

"It should not be that hard to do," Piotr said. "There must be some place here that sells soap. We just need to find it."

"Not me," Sabertooth growled. "I'm gonna hit the bar!"

"What bar?" Piotr asked.

"The bar in the saloon right below us," Sabertooth indicated his ear. "I can hear the bartender pouring shots right now."

"Count me in," Mastermind declared. "After almost drowning and being blown up I deserve a drink!"

"Fine, we'll all hit the saloon," Remy rolled his eyes. "Then we'll set out and try to find some soap."

"Oh no you don't," Sabertooth warned. "You're not coming with us down there!"

"What? Why not?" Remy asked.

"Because you'll probably get into a poker game with the locals and have half the town gunning for us after you cheat them out of their shirts!" Mastermind snapped.

"I would not!" Remy protested, highly offended. "I don't cheat!"

"Sure you don't," Sabertooth drawled. "And I'm King of Romania."

"Fine," Remy decided the issue wasn't worth arguing about. "You two booze brains go sample the local rotgut. I'll be the **intelligent** one and get us some soap."

"And take Pyro with you," Sabertooth added. "There's no way that nut should spend any time inside a saloon."

"Awww, why not?" Pyro pouted having finally stopped fiddling with his pack. "I'm hungry and I wanna get some snacks!"

"We'll grab a rack of beef jerky or something while we're out," Remy grabbed him and opened the room's door. "Piotr, stick with these two. After we get the soap we'll met you all in the saloon."

"Me?" Piotr blinked. "But I thought I was going with you."

"Na, I'd rather you stay here and keep an eye on them," Remy jerked a thumb at Sabertooth and Mastermind. "In case **they** get into a poker game with the locals and have half the town gunning after us!"

"Stupid Cajun!" Sabertooth growled as Remy and Pyro left. "Come on, let's hit the bar already." The rest of the Acolytes headed out down the hall. "Are you gonna drink with us, Russian?"

"Actually, I want to find a towel and try to dry off more first," Piotr indicated his dripping form. "I will join you both downstairs in a minute."

"Whatever," Sabertooth grunted as he and Mastermind left.

"Now where is the bathroom? If they have bathrooms here," Piotr looked around the vacant hallway. He went to the first room near the staircase and opened it.

BAM!

THUD!

"Oops," Piotr felt the door slam into something. He peeked into the room and saw a tall, well-dressed man with dark blonde hair and a thick handlebar mustache sprawled out on the floor. The man had obviously been hit by the moving door, fallen backward into the wall and knocked out.

"Oh dear," Piotr bent down and picked the man up. He moved to set him down on the room's bed. "I'm very sorry...ahhh!" Piotr slipped on a used chamber pot and slammed into a wardrobe. The man fell behind the far side of the room's bed as the wardrobe burst open and covered a fallen Piotr in a large pile of wigs and costumes.

"Hey, what's going on here?" A man with blue eyes, light blonde hair and a slightly droopy mustache appeared in the doorway. He wore a neat suit, dark sack coat and a light, wide brimmed hat.

"Uh," Piotr gulped and nervously poked his head out from beneath the pile of costumes. He somehow ended up wearing a dark blonde wig and fake mustache which just happened to make him resemble the man he had knocked out.

"What are you doing down there Wyatt?" The standing man laughed at him. "Run into trouble after using the thunder pot?"

"Huh?" Piotr blinked in confusion.

"Well come on," The man grew serious. "We gotta take care of some real trouble."

"Wait. I am not..." Piotr began to correct him.

"There's no time Wyatt," The man quickly cut him off. "Nobody is gonna care how you're dressed. Grab your hat and let's go!"

"Uh, okay," Piotr got up and grabbed a very large, long frock coat. He managed to put it on along with a wide brimmed hat before being led out of the room.

"You still heeled?" The man asked while leading him down the stairs.

"Um, if you say so," Piotr mumbled as they entered the saloon. There were several occupied card tables and a large bar running the entire length of the room.

"Knock it off with the jokes Wyatt. This is serious." The man led him toward the door. Piotr spotted Sabertooth and Mastermind at the bar and tried to get their attention, but the man led him out of the saloon before they noticed him.

"Morgan, where the devil have you been?" A tall, steely eyed man with a sandy mustache and hawk nose growled at them. He wore a dark hat, suit, sack coat and a shiny badge saying 'U.S. Marshal'.

"Sorry Virgil. Wyatt had a sudden urge to crack the thunder," Morgan smiled slightly. "Took out an entire wardrobe doing so."

"Superb," A wheeze-like cough came from a pale, skinny man standing to the side. He wore a long frock coat, black fedora and had a neat, natural mustache. He also carried a sawed-off shotgun. "Now let's be off to unleash a real round of thunder."

"We'll see," Virgil checked his revolver before holstering it and picked up a walking stick. "Mayor Clum says the Cowboys have moved out of the O.K. Corral. They're now in an alley next to Fly's."

"Then what are we waiting for?" The skinny man grinned as his eyes glimmered maniacally. "Let's go get 'em!"

"Well said Doc," Morgan smiled patting his own revolver. "Let's do it! Right Wyatt?"

"Wait! You have made a mistake," Piotr began to protest.

"Mistake?" The three armed men turned and stared at Piotr.

"Uh," Piotr was very intimidated by their stares and meekly decided to play along. "I mean, **they** have made a mistake. And...um...now they will regret it."

"That's more like it Wyatt," Doc gave Piotr a grin that was plain downright scary. "Shall we?"

"Okay," Piotr gulped as he and the men left the saloon and resolutely started down the street.

Meanwhile, Remy had dragged Pyro into a small general store which surprisingly carried a wide variety of fancy, French-perfumed soaps. It also had several young and well-dressed female shoppers whom Remy wasted no time siding up to and getting friendly with.

"Ah, New Orleans. The Paris of the South," Remy charmed a trio of admirers despite his still damp appearance. "City of festivals, romance and the finest collection of cuisine anywhere!"

"Oooh," One petite lady practically swooned while the other two giggled and fanned themselves.

"_Oui_, there's no greater cosmopolitan center in the country," Remy smirked while surreptitiously slipping packages of soap into his trench coat. "It's even better than San Francisco."

"Mmm, this is good!" Pyro perched behind the candy counter while sampling every sugar-loaded sweet in sight. "I'll take some of this and this and all of this...yuck! That's no good! Let's just throw these out!"

"HELP ME!" The poor store owner lay in a corner tied up with licorice. "SOMEBODY STOP THAT NUT!"

"Nuts! Good idea!" Pyro crammed a handful of chocolate-covered almonds into his mouth. "Mmm! Yummy! Wanna try some of these Colossus? Colossus?!"

Pyro nearly choked as he recognized Piotr walking down the far side of the street with three, dangerous-looking men. He dashed over to Remy and began tugging on his coat. "Hey Gambit!"

"Not now," Remy hissed and tried to casually swat Pyro aside. "Can't you see I'm busy?"

"But Colossus is wearing some kind of blonde, mustachioed disguise surrounded by some other mustachioed guys who are carrying shotguns!" Pyro whined.

"That's nice...wait, what?" Remy did a double-take and quickly ran to the window. He watched Piotr and company turn into an alley to face a small group of rough, weather-beaten men dressed as rustlers. "What the heck is he doing?"

"He ain't watching over Masty and Sabes, that's for sure," Pyro popped a few gumdrops into his mouth.

"Throw up your hands! We're here to disarm you!" One of men next to Piotr was heard shouting.

Two of the rustlers immediately went for their pistols. "Hold! I don't want that!" The first man raised a walking stick.

"A stick?" Remy stared at the scene. "I thought you said they were carrying shotguns."

"Well it looked like a shotgun," Pyro nibbled on a piece of honey crisp. "Wait, see? That bloke's got one."

BAM! BAM!

KA-BOOM!

"Yikes!" Pyro ducked behind the counter.

"Ahhhhhh!" The ladies in the store screamed and fainted.

"Hang on _femmes_!" Remy kicked the door closed and moved to check the ladies for injuries. Finding none he quickly dragged them behind a large flour barrel. "What are you waiting for? Get out there and back up Piotr!"

"I can't. Me pack's still wet!" Pyro carefully peeked out a window. "Colossus is still out there standing in the middle of it all. And I think he's shooting back!"

"WHAT?!" Remy dropped the lady he was holding and scampered next to him.

BAM! BAM! BAM!

One of the rustlers screamed and stumbled up to Piotr. Piotr shoved him aside and faced the others while the rustler ran for his life.

KA-BOOM!

BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!

More gunfire rocked the street. Remy crouched down next to Pyro. "We gotta help Piotr." He held up a fistful of damp cards. "I'll provide cover while you grab him and get him out of there."

"Okay," Pyro nodded reaching for the door.

BAM! BAM! BAM!

"Ready? One...two..." The sounds of gunshots suddenly ceased. Remy frowned at the abrupt silence. "What the?"

"Uh oh," Pyro blinked as they cautiously opened the door. Two of the men who had accompanied Piotr were down. The bodies of three rustlers lay sprawled out in the street. "Hooley dooley!"

"There's Piotr. Looks like he's okay," Remy indicated Piotr's tall form. He and a skinny man were the only one's still standing, though the skinny man had a noticeable limp.

"Alright! That's enough!" A nattily-dressed man wearing a bowler hat and sheriff's badge appeared as a crowd of bystanders began gathering. He walked up to Piotr and addressed him. Piotr briefly spoke with the sheriff before turning to help one of the wounded men.

"Hey Colossus!" Remy and Pyro quickly walked into the street and sided up next to Piotr.

"Oh," Piotr noticed and followed them as they hurriedly led him back to the store.

"Wyatt! Where're you going?" One of the wounded men shouted at him.

"Uh, I am going to the...uh, store to get some...ah, bandages," Piotr called back.

"Good idea. We need 'em," The man grimaced as a woman bent down and embraced him.

The three Acolytes entered the store where the ladies still lay unconscious. The owner had passed out earlier as well. Remy quickly slammed the door and faced Piotr. "What the heck is going on? What were you doing out there? Are you hurt? Why are you dressed like that?"

"I am sorry," Piotr said somewhat sheepishly. He removed the hat, wig and fake mustache. "I accidentally knocked out a man while looking for a towel and this other man thought I was him, and then he led me to these other men and it all happened so fast..."

"Alright, alright," Remy sighed and held up a hand. "Sounds you got carried away pretty well. It's because you're too easily persuaded and accepting. You really need to learn when to say no, ya know."

"I know," Piotr shifted uncomfortably.

"Wow Colossus. You look bloody well dinged up," Pyro poked at the many holes that had been made in Piotr's frock coat. "Are you OK?"

"Oh yes. I armored up when it looked like there would be shooting," Piotr said. "I just pointed at the other men when their bullets bounced off me."

"Ah, that explains why it looked like you were shooting at them yourself," Remy realized. "Pyro mistook your armored hand for a gun."

"What did ya say to that one bloke who ran up to you during the fight?" Pyro asked.

"Oh, he was very scared and said he was unarmed," Piotr said. "I told him to stop fighting and get away."

"Bet he didn't argue with that," Remy quipped. "What about the guy after the fight?"

"He said I was under arrest," Piotr explained. "I said that I would not be arrested today for I am not really here and am going away."

"Oh boy," Remy groaned. "We really need to work on your improv skills."

"Here they are," Sabertooth stomped into the store with Mastermind trailing behind him. "What have you lunatics done **this** time?"

"Oh sure, **now** you two show up," Remy glared at them.

"Where have you blokes been?" Pyro asked. "How'd you find us?"

"We left the saloon after I heard the crack of gunshots," Sabertooth growled at them. "Surprise, surprise, we figured they had something to do with you idiots!"

"They did not!" Pyro protested. "Colossus was the only one who ended up being shot at. It was a case of mistaken identity!"

"Good thing too," Remy added. "Otherwise the guy he replaced would be out lying in the street all shot full of lead."

"Whatever," Sabertooth snorted in contempt. "Did you fools even manage to find soap?"

"Settle down, Furball. I got some right here," Remy snapped holding up a package of soap . "I stocked up on it too. Just in case."

"Then what are you waiting for? Load up the machine and start it," Sabertooth growled.

"Figured you two would be loaded enough already," Remy mocked as he handed the soap to Piotr. He removed his trench coat so Piotr could access the machine. "How many drinks did you two down at the saloon?"

"Not nearly enough," Sabertooth spat.

"Speak for yourself," Mastermind winced holding his stomach. "I barely managed to make it through one. Talk about a kick!"

"I'll kick you if you don't quit whining," Sabertooth muttered threateningly. "Hurry up and get us outta here,"

"In a minute. I still need to figure out how to put in the soap," Piotr said studying the machine.

"I need to grab a few more sweets," Pyro chirped moving toward the candy counter.

"And I need to figure out how I became the most **responsible** one around here," Remy sighed.

* * *

><p><strong>Historical Note: Wyatt Earp "miraculously" emerged from the Gunfight at the O.K. Corral completely unhurt. His brothers Virgil and Morgan were wounded along with John "Doc" Holliday. The brothers Tom and Frank McLaury were killed as well as Billy Clanton. Billy's brother Ike Clanton ran from the fight. Later rumors accuse Wyatt of wearing a steel, bullet-proof vest, although such claims are considered to be "highly implausible" and have never "officially" been confirmed.<strong>


	5. It's Tough to Be a God

**It's Tough to Be a God**

"Oooh," Piotr felt slightly disorientated as the Acolytes arrived in the next time period. "I will never get used to using that machine."

"Hey, it worked," Remy pointed out. "Which means you must have found the right way to load in the soap."

"Too bad it took three tries to do it," Mastermind spat and tried to clear his mouth. "And that the machine kept ejecting the soap when it wasn't loaded correctly."

"Well, you deserved to have your mouth washed out after the way you kept cursing at it," Pyro shrugged. "The machine's a highly complicated piece of equipment that needs lots of love and attention."

"Shame the same can't be said about **you**," Mastermind snapped and straightened his coat. "Anybody recognize where we ended up **this** time?"

"No," Sabertooth growled glaring around at the nearby collection of brick and stone huts. The Acolytes had appeared underneath the scaffolding of a large building. "But it sure is hot!"

"And dry," Pyro chirped spreading his arms wide. "The sun will finish drying out our clothes in no time!"

"Yes," Piotr gasped and wiped at his brow. He still wore the large, long frock coat. "But it is very uncomfortable. Is there any place we can go to cool down?"

"Afraid shade is the only thing available at the moment," Remy indicated the scaffolding above them. "Speaking of which, anybody notice how long the machine took to cool down last time?"

"I think it was around twenty minutes or so," Mastermind thought for a moment. "The time before that was about an hour."

"No, it only **felt** like an hour," Sabertooth sneered at him. "Because you kept crying about drowning and being eaten alive by sharks."

"We were in Cuba! Sharks are very active there!" Mastermind protested. "And I can't swim."

"Well you shouldn't have to worry about that here," Sabertooth snorted. "I don't smell any salt water around for miles."

"What does the machine say?" Piotr asked.

"Just a second...ah," Remy nodded as a screen finally cleared up. It read:

**March 18, 1472 B.C.  
><strong>**Taremu****, ****Egypt**

"1472 **B.C.**?!" Mastermind yelped. "We're over three thousand years in the past!"

"Huh, that's different," Pyro blinked. "Maybe the machine doesn't like perfume-scented soaps."

"Maybe the stupid machine **hates** us!" Sabertooth roared. "Arrgggh! I don't believe this!" He howled and swiped at a nearby support.

CRACK!

"Uh oh," Piotr gulped as the wooden scaffolding buckled and began to give way.

"Look out!" Remy yelled as the Acolytes quickly ran a short distance away. The large scaffolding collapsed along with a good portion of the building.

"Way to go Sabes," Pyro gazed at the ruined building. "That's one way to make a sky light."

"Uh, maybe we should move away from here," Piotr suggested as a large crowd began to appear. They wore a varied collection of skirts and dresses.

"No way! I'm sick of running from the locals all the time!" Sabertooth shouted and scaled the pile of rubble from the building. "If these losers want a fight, I'll give 'em one!"

A company of soldiers broke through the crowd. They were armed with an array of spears, daggers, shields and sickle-swords. They stared up at Sabertooth. "Come on punks!" Sabertooth roared and readied his claws in anticipation. "You really think you can take **me**?"

The soldiers suddenly dropped their weapons and fell to their knees along with everyone else in the crowd. "I'll take that as a 'no'," Remy quipped.

"What are they doing?" Pyro blinked at the unexpected behavior.

"_Maahes! Maahes! Maahes!_" The crowd began to chant.

"Uh, what is a mihos?" Piotr frowned in confusion.

"How should I know? Do I look like I speak ancient Egyptian?" Mastermind snapped.

"What, can't you just read their minds and figure out what they're saying?" Remy asked.

"Not if I don't understand the language they're thinking in," Mastermind explained.

A bald man with no eyebrows and wearing a white robe slowly approached Sabertooth. He bowed low, held out his hands and began speaking to him.

"I don't understand a word you're mumbling about," Sabertooth growled dangerously. "Do you want to fight or what?"

The bald man bowed lower before repeating himself. "Stop with the mumbo-jumbo," Sabertooth grunted. "Either put up or shut up!"

The man gulped and nervously looked up at him. He mimed several eating motions and then indicated Sabertooth.

"Oh, food," Sabertooth grunted and reluctantly stood down. "Yeah, sure. Why not?"

"Great. I could go for something really filling right about now," Remy nodded.

Sabertooth strode down off the pile of rubble as the bald man bowed and reverently led him away. The crowd chanted and followed them leaving the rest of the Acolytes behind. "Or not," Remy blinked at their departure.

"I guess we are not invited," Piotr commented.

"Oh yeah? We'll see about that!" Pyro shouted and chased after the Egyptians. "Hey, come back here! We wanna hang out with you funny blokes too!"

"On the other hand," Piotr sighed as the remaining Acolytes ran after him.

* * *

><p>One hour later...<p>

"Ahhh, now this is more like it," Remy smiled as he lay back on a long pillow-like mat. The Acolytes had been led into a large, cool stone building before being fed and cared to. "I could get used to this."

"I agree," Piotr nodded nibbling on some dates. A wide mat covered with bowls of food lay before him. "This part of Egypt is quite nice."

"Hey, look at me!" Pyro appeared wearing a native robe over his pack and uniform. He also wore an elaborate, decorated headpiece. "I'm Pharaoh Pyro!"

"Wow, where did you get that?" Piotr asked.

"Oh, I found it lying around on some old stony statue," Pyro waved. "Nobody'll notice it missing."

Several screams were heard in the distance. "I would not count on it," Piotr groaned.

"Now this is what I'm talking about," Sabertooth declared while seated in an ornate, throne-like chair. "The best, oldest elements of mankind assembled right here and in virtually endless quantities."

"You mean kindness, hospitality, acceptance and openness?" Piotr suggested.

"Nope," Sabertooth grinned hoisting up a large clay jug. "I mean beer!" He threw back his head and began chugging it.

"Of course," Piotr moaned.

"Thirteen different kinds of beer! And those are just the ones they keep in storage," Sabertooth laughed and tossed the empty jug aside. "I love this place!"

"Well, I've finished studying most of the building's hieroglyphs," Mastermind entered the room looking pleased with himself. "And I've figured out why the locals are fawning so much over Sabertooth."

"Hey, wait a minnie," Pyro stopped skipping around and pointed at him. "I thought you said you couldn't understand ancient Egyptian."

"I said I couldn't **speak** ancient Egyptian," Mastermind corrected. "I can read ancient Egyptian just fine. Well, mostly fine. I might be a little rusty."

"Really?" Piotr said. "I did not know you could do that."

"I read and speak many languages," Mastermind told them. "I know English, French, Italian, Spanish, Latin, Greek and Arabic. Plus a few others enough to manage and get by in most cases."

"Wow," Piotr blinked. "That is very impressive."

"There's a reason I'm called **Mastermind** you know," Mastermind gave him a look.

"Really? Could've fooled me," Remy quipped.

"Anyway," Mastermind shot Remy a dirty look before getting back on topic. "The hieroglyphs say this is the temple of the Egyptian god Maahes. He is depicted as a lion-headed god whom Sabertooth bears a somewhat passing resemblance to."

"So the locals think I'm a god? Sweet!" Sabertooth grinned. "What kind of god is this Maahes guy? The god of beer?"

"Fortunately no," Mastermind rolled his eyes. "Though I did spy several cartloads of beer being gathered outside. Looks like the whole town is throwing a feast in your honor."

"Really? This I gotta see," Sabertooth got up and made his way out of the temple. Preparations for a grand festival were just being completed. "No way!"

The Egyptians noticed Sabertooth and immediately fell to their knees. They began chanting and shouting the name Maahes.

"These people sure work fast," Remy noted as the Acolytes stood just outside the temple doorway. "Mags would love to see the sight of this."

"Humans worshipping a mutant," Piotr mused. "It does seem his style."

Sabertooth held up his hands and motioned the crowd for silence. "My people," He snatched a nearby beer jug and raised it. "LET'S PARTY!"

"Hahhhhhh!" The crowd roared back having understood the content. They went for the beer supplies and began downing them. "_Maahes! Maahes!_"

"Oh yeah!" Sabertooth finished his beer and hurled the empty jug to the ground, shattering it. "Anybody who offers beer to a god is good with me!"

"Well this is interesting," Remy said as the Egyptians began to feast and have a good time. "Bet nothing like this has ever happened around here before."

"Yeah. What are the odds that a time traveler from the future would try and take over ancient Egypt?" Mastermind drawled.

"Sabertooth is not trying to take over ancient Egypt," Piotr corrected. "Upsetting maybe, but not taking over."

"Wheeeeee!" Pyro giggled as he skipped among the celebrating Egyptians. A scandalized priest came and took away his headpiece, but he ignored it. "Party! Wo-hooo!"

"Oh dear," Piotr groaned as Pyro and Sabertooth continued to work the crowd into a frenzy. "Maybe we should consider leaving soon. Is the machine ready yet?"

"Nope, it's still in cool down mode," Remy glanced down at a screen. He still wore the machine underneath his trench coat. "Besides, I don't think Sabes is ready to leave anytime soon."

"This is the best time I've had in months!" Sabertooth smiled. He motioned to the crowd who cheered and roared back. "Things could not get any better!"

Just then a bald priest walked up to him leading half a dozen tall and attractive priestesses. The priest indicated the priestesses who opened their arms and gestured Sabertooth to follow them.

"I was wrong," Sabertooth grinned and followed the procession of priestesses into the temple. "Being a god rocks!"

"Oh my," Piotr blushed.

"That lucky..." Remy was stunned at the sight. "Okay, that's it. Where's the temple for the staff-wielding god who blows stuff up?"

"I don't think there is such a god," Mastermind commented.

"Then I'll **make** one!" Remy declared.

"Um, maybe you should not...ahhh!" Piotr yelped as a pride of lions stalked out the temple. "Look out!"

"It's okay!" Mastermind moved back as some priests began to throw meat to the lions. "I saw them before. The Egyptians keep lions in the temple in order to please the gods. The hieroglyphs say they are tame. I think."

"You **think**?!" Piotr gasped.

"Yay!" Pyro continued to dance among the Egyptians. "This is great! How about we turn up the heat...ow!" Pyro yelped as a passerby clipped him on the head. "Hey, watch it!"

A pair of Egyptians bumped into each other overturning several bowls of food. They immediately began to argue.

"Uh oh," Piotr gulped as more fights began to spread. Soon several full-fledged brawls had broken out. "This is not good."

"Well what did you expect once they all got loaded up on beer?" Remy quipped as the once orderly festival turned into a riot. "Have a dancing contest?"

"Should have realized **some **things remain constant over the millennia," Mastermind groaned as the lions started tangling with the crowd. "Maybe we should have Sabertooth come back and try to cow them into submission."

"Yeah right," Remy snorted. "Nothing is gonna get Sabes out here in a hurry."

"AAAHHHHHHHHH!" Sabertooth shrieked bolting from the temple. His entourage of priestesses ran after him. "GET AWAY FROM ME!"

"On the other hand," Remy blinked.

"OUTTA MY WAY!" Sabertooth barreled through the crowd as the Acolytes quickly followed in his wake. The priestesses tried to follow, but became caught up in the riot.

"What the heck's going on?" Remy shouted as they made their way free of the chaos. "We thought you were off enjoying the company of those fine heavenly dreams."

"Unholy **nightmares** are more like it!" Sabertooth twitched indicating his disheveled state. "Those crazy chicks led me to a room and tried to douse me with perfume! They brushed oil on me! They put makeup on me! They tried to have me take a **bath**!"

"Oh yeah. I forgot about that," Mastermind nodded. "Ancient Egyptians were very into cleanliness."

"And makeovers by the look of it," Remy smirked at the streaks of black, green and purple eyeliner coating Sabertooth's face. "Guess they want their gods to look fabulous and smell pretty."

"Oooh," Pyro stumbled up to them having worked his way out the riot. His robe had been reduced to tatters. "These blokes sure know how to party. Are we gonna spend the night?"

"NO!" Sabertooth screamed. "I'm not staying in this crazy place another minute! Fire up the machine and get us out of here NOW!"

"As you wish, O godly one," Remy smirked and mockingly bowed at him. He prepared to activate the machine. "So shall it be written, so shall it be done."

"Well this has been a real productive experience," Mastermind sighed. "So far we've succeeded in setting fire to Moscow, blowing up the U.S.S. Maine, participating in a gunfight and being mistaken for a god while causing a beer riot. Yes, this trip is off to a roaring start."

"WHAT?!" The rest of the Acolytes yelped right before they were whisked away by the machine. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN **'START'?!**"

* * *

><p><strong>Historical Note: Maahes was a lion-headed god of Ancient Egypt associated with knives, lotuses and devouring captives. Other titles included Wielder of the Knife, the God of War and the Lord of Slaughter.<strong>


	6. Welcome to Oz

**Welcome to Oz**

"Pee-yew!" Sabertooth hissed as the Acolytes arrived in the next time period. "Gah, what stinks?"

"It wasn't me!" Pyro held up his hands. "You can't prove anything!"

"It is the marsh," Piotr crinkled his nose at the wet, reedy area next to them. The Acolytes had appeared right at the marsh's edge. "It smells like rotten eggs."

"Or Sabes after he's had a fish breakfast," Remy quipped.

"Shut up Cajun!" Sabertooth snapped.

"At least there's a cool breeze to help carry away the smell," Mastermind gazed around at the spongy landscape studded with sand, trees and bushes. "Where **are** we?"

"Looks like the middle of nowhere," Remy commented.

"What does the machine say?" Piotr asked.

"It's still working through its number and symbols bit," Remy glanced at a screen.

"Hey look! Seagulls!" Pyro pointed as several flew above them. "We might be near the ocean."

"Oh joy," Mastermind grumbled. "See any buildings, signs or roads around?"

"Nope," Pyro shook his head.

"Great," Mastermind groaned. "Just what I always wanted. To be stuck in the wilderness with you people."

"We will not be stuck here," Piotr reminded him. "And this is not a wilderness. Except for the marsh it is actually kind of nice."

"Speak for yourself," Mastermind grumbled. "I'm a creature of cities and civilization. I don't do outdoors."

"Yeah, you're just another thumb-sucking, pasty-faced, cookie pusher," Sabertooth sneered.

"Better than being a bloodthirsty, illiterate, knuckle-dragger," Mastermind shot back.

"I'll show **you** blood!" Sabertooth growled bearing his claws.

"Stop. There is no need to fight," Piotr armored up and moved between them.

"Yeah, settle down Furball," Remy said backing up Piotr. "Let's just cool off and try to find some place to lay low until we can get out of here."

"And where do you expect to go?" Sabertooth snapped turning on Remy. "You think there'll be a hotel just waiting on the other side of those trees?"

"He has a point," Mastermind sighed dejectedly. "There probably isn't another person around here for miles!"

KA-BOOOOOOM!

"What was that?" Piotr blinked at the sound of something exploding in the distance.

"You were saying?" Remy gave Mastermind a look.

"Never mind," Mastermind groaned.

"C'mon," Remy started heading in the direction the noise had come from. "Let's go see who else is here."

"Yay! Let's go explore!" Pyro chirped happily.

"Just as long as exploring doesn't turn into **exploding**," Mastermind sighed following after them.

"Sounds like it's already too late for that," Sabetooth quipped.

The Acolytes worked their way away from the marsh and over a low rise. They scrambled down a sandy slope and took cover in a small copse of thick, hardy shrubs.

"Well, this is unexpected," Remy commented gazing across a wide sandy shoreline dotted with strong, tough-looking trees. Around a hundred people were busily working along the beach while a fleet of large, wooden sailing ships anchored offshore.

"What part of this trip **hasn't** been unexpected," Mastermind grumbled.

"Good point," Remy shrugged.

"I do not think we want to go down there," Piotr noted several red-uniformed men carrying guns. Other men had iron chains bound to their legs and were much poorly dressed. "It does not look very friendly."

"No, ya think?" Sabertooth growled.

"Okay, the machine's finally cleared up," Remy turned and indicated a screen. It read:

**January 22, 1788 A.D.  
><strong>**Botany Bay****, ****Australia**

"Australia? Yay!" Pyro whooped gleefully. "It's about time the machine sent us here!"

"Shhh! Be quiet," Piotr warned ducking lower among the shrubs. Most of the people were less than fifty yards away. "We do not want them to hear us."

"But we can hear them pretty well," Remy tilted his head.

"Yeah, those people are squawking so loud even **you** idiots should be able to hear them," Sabertooth snorted.

"Hey, I can," Pyro smiled as the Acolytes settled down to listen. "This should be fun!"

"This is intolerable!" A young, well-dressed man wearing a ship's officer's uniform paced along the beach. A small table and field tent stood behind him. "Major Ross, your men are supposed to be guarding the convicts!"

"Mind your words there, **Lieutenant** King," An older man wearing a Royal Marine's uniform lounged in a camp chair. "You're addressing a superior officer."

"Not from my understanding," Lieutenant King glared at him. "Governor Phillip appointed me in charge of settlement construction while he is away. And I respectfully request that you have your men follow my orders!"

"They are," Major Ross sniffed at him. "The convicts are working to clear the land and my marines are making sure they do it. What more do you want?"

"I want them to actually guard and watch the convicts. Not get roaring drunk and do whatever the devil they feel like!" Lieutenant King snapped.

"I remind you, **Lieutenant**, they have been cooped up aboard ship for the past eight bloody months," Major Ross waved. "You can't blame them for taking a few minor liberties."

"WHEEEEEEEEE!" A pair of marines giggled as they ran by shedding their uniforms before diving into the bay.

SPLASH! SPLASH!

"Tally-ho!" A marine whooped while riding on the back of another. "Onward to Camelot!"

"No, I can blame them for acting like complete, uncontrollable **hooligans**!" Lieutenant King snapped.

"Well your sailors aren't acting much better!" Major Ross roared back.

"Look at me! I'm a monkey!" Several sailors laughed while swinging from a large tree. "Ooga, ooga!

"Fire in the hole!" A squad of convicts took cover as another sailor lit the fuse to a keg of gunpowder planted underneath the tree.

"Uh oh..."

KA-BOOOOOOM!

CRASH!

"Ohhh," The downed and mangled sailors moaned.

"AAAHHHHHH!" Squads of convicts frantically dove out of the way as a dozen large oak barrels rolled down the beach.

"YOU FOOLS GET OUT OF THOSE BLOODY THINGS AND STOP HAVING BARREL RACES!" Lieutenant King roared at his men. "AND THAT GOES FOR YOU OFFICERS AS WELL!"

"Oy! Look at the funny sea beastie I found!" A convict stood in a tidal pool while holding up an octopus. "It's got all these pretty blue rings on it and...urrrk!"

THUD!

BUCK-AWWW!

"WHO BROUGHT ALL THESE SHIP'S CHICKENS ASHORE?!" Lieutenant King yelled furiously. "I NEVER GAVE ORDERS FOR THAT!"

"Don't worry. Looks like they are trying to escape in a longboat," Major Ross commented casually. "I say, they row better than you do!"

"WHOOOHAHAHAHA!" Armed marines and sailors alike began to fire at the chickens.

POW! POW!

BUCK-AWWW!

"That's it! I can't take any more of these nutters!" A harried convict nudged another and jerked a thumb toward the nearby foliage. "I'd rather take my chances in the wasteland than continue to slog about around here."

"But you risk disease, starvation and never coming back," His partner told him.

KA-BOOOOOOM!

"WAHOOOOOO!"

CRASH!

"HAHAHAHAHA!"

"I'll **take** it!" The convict shouted taking off.

"Good idea," The second convict gulped and quickly stumbled after him. "Wait for me!"

"Ow! Some bloody spider just went and bit me on the bum!" A sailor yelped and began slapping at the ground. "It came out of some weird, funnel-shaped web and...aaack!"

THUD!

"HELP! ALL THE OFFICER'S TENTS ARE ON FIRE!" A panicked sailor shouted.

"WHAT?!" Lieutenant King yelled.

"Yay! Roasted meat tonight!" Several marines emptied the contents of a large barrel onto a nearby group of convicts. They began dancing around the burning tents. "No more salted junk for us!"

"GAAAHHHHHH! SOMEBODY GET THESE BLOODY BIRDS AWAY FROM US!" The squad of meat-covered convicts ran from an enormous flock of seagulls. "YEEEOOOWWW THAT HURTS! OWIE! OWIE! OWIE!"

"YOU MEN STOP WITH THE SAW THROWING CONTESTS!" One outraged midshipman yelled at a grinning group of convicts. "GIVE ME THOSE BROKEN TOOLS AT ONCE! NO, NOT LIKE THAT...AAAGGGHHHHHH!"

"Will you fools stop using your muskets as cricket bats?!" Lieutenant King yelled at a group of marines. "You're supposed to be protecting us all from the natives!"

"Come now, Lieutenant. The natives wouldn't dare trouble us," Major Ross snorted. "Except for that one lot coming down to chant at us two days ago they haven't been back since.

"MUD FIGHT!" A three-way brawl broke out among the sailors, convicts and marines.

"Gee, I wonder **why**?" Lieutenant King snapped.

"YAHOOOOOO!" A scantily clad marine whooped drunkenly while riding on a dolphin in the bay.

"WHO GAVE YOU LOUTS PERMISSION TO PAINT YOUR LEG IRONS?!" A sailor gawked at a squad of smirking convicts. "AND HOW IN THE WORLD DID YOU MANAGE TO PAINT THEM ALL PINK?!"

"HELP ME!" A poor convict screamed as some drunken marines buried him in the sand. "THE OLD BAILEY NEVER SAID A WORD ABOUT THIS!"

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Lieutenant King screamed as the rest of the tents caught on fire.

The Acolytes watched as the madness continued to reign across the beach. "So, these are the people whom Australians are descended from?" Remy raised an eyebrow.

"Yep," Pyro grinned proudly. "Well, some of 'em anyway."

"I should have known," Sabertooth growled. "Just from looking at you!"

"It does explain a lot," Piotr commented. "Now we know."

"And knowing is how pharmaceutical companies manage to stay in business," Mastermind groaned. "Is the machine ready yet?"

"Yeah," Remy glanced at a screen. "Let's get outta here."

"At least this visit was not too bad," Piotr said as Remy prepared to activate the machine. "We managed to avoid interacting with anyone this time."

"I don't think it would have made much difference if we had," Mastermind grumbled. "I'm amazed this group of crazies managed to survive at all!"

"Hey, these people are pioneers!" Pyro puffed up with pride. "Brave misfits and convicts cast off onto an unknown land before going out to build a nation!"

"And now we know the **real** reason why they were all shipped off in the first place," Sabertooth grunted. "Because they were all found guilty of being unbelievably and incurably **insane**!"

* * *

><p><strong>Historical Note: <strong>**The first European settlement in ****Australia**** was originally founded as a penal colony. The First Fleet consisting of 11 ships and over 1,300 people arrived in ****Botany Bay**** on ****January 18, 1788 A.D.**** after traveling more than 15,000 miles. The fleet later moved north to Port ****Jackson**** and established the first permanent European settlement on January 26, 1788 A.D.**

**The Blue-Ringed Octopus and Sydney Funnel-Web Spider are among the most venomous and deadly animals in the world.**


	7. Birth of a Legend

**Birth of a Legend**

"Whoa!" Remy yelped at the transition from bright Australian sunshine to sudden darkness. He blinked and tried to make out his surroundings. "Hey, you _homme's_ still with me?"

"I am," Piotr's voice came from behind him.

"Great," Remy turned and smacked into something hard and rough. "Ow!"

"Be careful. There seem to be many trees around here," Piotr warned.

"Ohhh, **now** you tell me," Remy moaned holding his nose.

"Ahhh!" Mastermind yelped accompanied by several violent rustling sounds. "Somebody get these leafy things off me! Where the heck are we?"

"We're in the woods, genius," Sabertooth growled yanking Mastermind out of the pile of undergrowth he had fallen into. His eyes easily adjusted to the sliver of moonlight and took a few experimental sniffs. "From the smell of it, pine woods."

"Oh joy," Mastermind grumbled brushing off his clothes. "Another uncultivated, inhospitable wilderness."

"Only to wimps and idiots," Sabertooth sneered. "Like you."

"Yeah, yeah," Mastermind ignored him. "Any signs of civilization?"

"No," Piotr told him. "But it is hard to see anything when it is this dark."

"I can fix that," Pyro grinned readying his pack.

"NO!" Piotr quickly armored up and covered the flame throwers with his hands. "Do not even think about it!"

"Yeah," Remy snapped at him. "With our luck you'll end up setting the whole forest on fire!"

"What's your point?" Pyro blinked at him.

"Just don't make any fires unless we say so," Remy glared at him. "Or else!"

"Awww," Pyro pouted lowering his hands. "You blokes are no bloody fun at all."

"Yeah, suffering from third-degree burns and carbon monoxide poisoning is **so** much fun," Mastermind rolled his eyes. "Has the machine finished clearing up yet?"

"Just about...ah, there," Remy watched as text appeared on a screen. It said:

**August 5, 1692 A.D.  
>Québec, Canada<strong>

"Quebec?" Mastermind blinked. "This doesn't look like Quebec."

"Maybe it means the province of Quebec," Remy suggested.

"Great. That narrows it down to only half a million square miles," Sabertooth snorted.

"Was there even a province of Quebec at this time?" Mastermind asked.

"How should I know? Do I look like some pale, squint-eyed historian?" Sabertooth snapped.

"That is strange," Piotr frowned at the screen. "The machine is usually much more accurate than this."

"Maybe we're just on the outskirts of the city," Mastermind thought for a moment. "Or Quebec is just the nearest city to us."

"'Nearest' being a relative term," Remy warned. "We could be one mile away or one hundred."

"Who cares? Let's try actually finding the place instead of just standing here yakking about it," Sabertooth turned to leave.

"Are you sure we should do that?" Piotr asked. "It might not be safe wandering out in the dark like this."

"Eh, what's there to worry about?" Sabertooth snorted.

OWWW-OOOOOOH!

A pack of wolves was heard howling in the distance. "How about that?" Mastermind gulped nervously.

"Hey, I don't know about you blokes, but I'm just about nackered," Pyro piped up. "Mags waited until dark to drag us over to that inventor's house and we've been jumping around time ever since. I'm ready to sack out."

"Pyro has a point," Remy nodded stiffling a yawn. "We'd have to be on our guard against other people if we bothered to sneak into town. And the machine has to cool down anyway. We might as well catch some sleep here."

"**Here**?!" Mastermind yelped in disbelief as Pyro removed his pack. "You expect me to sleep on the **ground**?"

"No, we expect you to sleep in the **dirt**," Sabertooth snapped at him. "Just like the rest of us!"

"It will not be so bad," Piotr wrapped his large frock coat around him before choosing a clear space beneath a large tree to lay down. Remy unstrapped the machine and set it next to Pyro's pack. "The pine needles make a soft bed and it is fairly warm out."

"Says you," Mastermind shivered drawing in his coat.

"Aw, just sit down and shut up," Sabertooth growled as the rest of the Acolytes lay down. "I'll take first watch and wake one of you lunatics up in an hour or two."

"An hour?" Mastermind whined worriedly. "Why don't you just stay up all night?"

"Because healing factor or not, even I need sleep," Sabertooth grunted at him. "Oh sure, I could stay awake for a week if had to, but I don't **have** to!"

"Okay," Mastermind gulped nervously. "But what if a hungry pack of wolves shows up?"

"So what? We can take 'em," Remy waved.

"Oh, I wouldn't worry about wolves around here," Sabertooth snorted.

"Well that's good to know," Mastermind felt somewhat relieved.

"I'd worry more about bears, moose, cougars and wolverines," Sabertooth got an evil look in his eye. "Wolverines...stupid, runty wolverines..."

"Oh joy," Mastermind whimpered curling up into a ball.

"Night, night Acolytes," Pyro chirped before drifting off to sleep.

"Night," Remy mumbled following suit.

* * *

><p>Several hours later...<p>

Piotr awoke to the gentle sounds of birds singing. Sunlight filtered down through the high tree tops, casting the forest in a bright, warm glow. Looking up to estimate the position of the sun, Piotr was surprised to conclude that it was roughly late morning.

_Strange. Why wasn't I woken earlier for my turn at watch?_ Piotr wondered sitting up. Looking around, he spotted Mastermind off to the side propped up against a tree, fast asleep. Sabertooth had apparently chosen Mastermind to take watch after him, where Mastermind had obviously fallen asleep. _Figures_.

Seeing the rest of the Acolytes were still asleep, Piotr quietly got to his feet and moved a fair distance away intent on taking care of his first business of the day. After doing so, he was happy to find the land gradually sloped down to a small lake less than one hundred yards away. Carefully keeping his bearings, Piotr made his way down to the lakeshore in order to wash his hands.

_This is very beautiful country_, Piotr smiled watching a lone eagle soar above the lake. On the far shore he spotted a quartet of deer feeding near the water's edge._ I wish I had a sketchbook with me. It will be a shame to leave..._ Piotr froze suddenly as he heard a faint cry coming off from one side of the lake. It sounded like it was in distress. _Hmmm, what is that?_

Unable to ignore the cries, Piotr cautiously made his way around a third of the lake until he came to a sturdy log cabin set back forty yards from the shore. Moving carefully, Piotr followed the cries to the far side of the cabin and quietly peeked around it.

"_Au secours!_" A short man built like a fireplug wailed as he lay trapped underneath a large fallen tree. Lumbering near him, deciding whether or not he was worth its attention was a giant brown bear. "_Au secours! Quelqu'un, au secours!_"

The bear moved closer and seemed on the verge of ignoring him until the man unwisely grabbed a stray branch and threw it, striking the bear on the head. "_Va t'en! Fiche-moi la paix!_"

HUUUR-OOOWWWRRR!

The bear roared and lunged toward the man, intent on splitting his head open like a watermelon.

"Urrrah!" Piotr armored up and dashed forth, tackling the bear head-on. The two behemoths rolled around for a minute until Piotr grabbed the bear by the scruff of its neck and easily tossed it aside. "Enough!"

The bear decided staying around was no longer worth the effort and accordingly lumbered off.

"_Sacré bleu!_" The trapped man gaped at Piotr in wonder.

Piotr reverted his head to its non-armored form before turning to face the man. The rest of his armored form was concealed by his large frock coat. "Hold on." Piotr grabbed the fallen tree and easily lifted it, being careful not to harm the man in the process. He then carried the entire tree and gently set it down away from the cabin. Finally, Piotr finished reverting the rest of his body before making his way back to the man.

"_Merci beaucoup! Je vous remercie de tout cœur!_" The man babbled profusely while staring at Piotr in amazement. "_Vous êtes incroyable!_"

"Uh, I am sorry," Piotr shrugged his shoulders in apology. "But I do not speak French."

"Ah, you are English," The man said with a heavy French accent. "I have done some trade with you. The governor say we are at war with you and the Iroquois, but you are friend to me!"

"Oh, I am not English," Piotr corrected him. "I just speak it."

"Even better!" The man beamed before grimicing in pain. "_Aïe! Mautadit!_"

"What is it?" Piotr knelt down in concern. "Are you hurt?"

"My legs," The man indicated where the tree had laid on them. "They are not broken, but they very hurt!"

"Here, let me help you," Piotr moved to pick him up.

"_Merci, merci,_" The man sighed as Piotr helped prop him up against the tree stump. "Ah, I very lucky. Had you not come I would be much worse!"

"You have a point," Piotr agreed.

"My name is Robert Desaix," The man smiled at Piotr gratefully. "What name have you?"

"Piotr Rasputin," Piotr told him.

"I thank you Polar Basbutin," Robert shook his hand warmly. "Whatever you want, I give!"

"That is not necessary," Piotr blushed slightly. "And it is 'Piotr Rasputin'."

"Oh. Sorry _Monsieur_ Bassbutton," Robert winced. "My head is not quite right. It struck the ground hard when I brought the tree down upon me."

"You brought it down?" Piotr blinked in surprise.

"_Oui_. I am woodcutter," Robert pointed to an axe that had been hidden underneath the tree. "I was about through when it break suddenly and fall towards me. I was surprised and tripped and could not roll away."

"You were out chopping down a tree by yourself," Piotr frowned. "That is very dangerous."

"Oh, I not alone. My son work with me," Robert explained. "He young and was standing back when tree fell. He go for help after I trapped and before bear appear."

"Ah, you run a family business," Piotr nodded in understanding.

"_Oui_. My son be big woodcutter someday," Robert beamed with pride. "We sell wood in Québec for building and ship repair."

"So Quebec is a city?" Piotr asked.

"_Oui_, not far from here," Robert told him. "That where my son go for help."

"I see," Piotr looked over at the tree he had moved. "That tree is very bent. Why did you choose to chop it?"

"Because it bent over my home," Robert said. "I afraid it soon fall on it. Yesterday's storm cause it to lean and bend over. Cause many other trees to bend too."

"Oh," Piotr looked and saw a dozen thick trees bending or leaning dangerously toward Robert's cabin. Several dozen other trees had the potential to fall on it as well.

"I hoped to bring them down before they come down on their own," Robert winced and rubbed his legs. "But now I not sure I able."

"Hmmm," Piotr looked at the woodcutter in sympathy. "I will handle it." He moved and picked up the axe.

"What?" Robert stared at him in shock. "But you done enough."

"Not yet," Piotr walked off while armoring up everything except his head. Stopping next to an eighteen inch diameter tree, he firmly planted his feet and drew back the axe.

WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!

CRASH!

"_Sacré bleu!_" Robert's jaw fell open as the tree fell to the ground in seconds. Piotr then quickly moved along felling trees, occasionally nudging them so that they fell in a safe direction.

WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!

CRASH!

WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!

CRASH!

WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!

CRASH!

In less than ten minutes Piotr had cleared every tree within falling distance of Robert's cabin. "There, that should do it," Piotr nodded in satisfaction.

"_Phénoménal!_" Robert had watched Piotr do in minutes what would have taken a crew of men all day. "You are a titan on Earth. A true Colossus!"

"Well, yes," Piotr smiled unarmoring himself while setting down the axe. "I think you can manage the trees now. I would like to help further, but I really must be going."

"What? But it my honor to repay you!" Robert protested. "Please stay and met my son. He would love you!"

"I am sorry, but I really must go," Piotr waved at him. "Goodbye."

"_Au revoir!_" Robert waved back as Piotr left. "Wow, what a hero!"

"Papa! Papa!" A young boy appeared from the woods followed by a trio of strong-looking men. "Papa! You are okay!"

"Yes, I am," Robert answered back in French. He smiled as the boy ran over and hugged him. "Though I nearly wasn't!"

"What happened here?" One of the men gazed around in amazement. "We were told a tree had fallen on you."

"Oh, it did. And I was trapped under it. And then a huge bear appeared soon after," Robert grinned while hugging his son. "But then a man appeared and wrestled the bear to the ground! Then he picked it up as if it were a child and sent it running off in tears!"

"One man did that?" The boy looked at him with wide eyes.

"Yes, one man. Oh, he was a giant!" Robert smiled. "He lifted the fallen tree off me as if it was a twig. Then he took my axe and cleared all this in seconds, bringing down a tree with practically every swig! He is the greatest woodcutter I have ever seen!"

"Wow!" The boy gazed up in wonderment.

"Oh really?" One of the men leaned and lowered his voice. "Sounds like Robert has hit his head on a tree once too many."

"More like hit the brandy once too many," His companion whispered back.

"Who was this man?" The boy asked eagerly.

"His name is...um, just a moment," Robert winced rubbing his head. "It was Basston? Button? Bowl? No, Pol! Yes, that's it. Pol! Pol Bonyon!"

* * *

><p>"Ah, that was nice," Piotr smiled as he made his way back around the lake. "Nothing like some light work to loosen one up in the morning." He placed a hand over his stomach as it rumbled slightly. "Though some breakfast would be nice too. Still, I am glad I helped that man. He should be just fine." Piotr reached the spot where he originally approached the lake and headed back where he had left his slumbering teammates.<p>

"There he is!" Sabertooth growled as Piotr returned. The rest of the Acolytes were up and appeared to have been awake for some time. "What do you think you're doing, Russian? Going off into the woods without telling anyone? Where the heck have you been?"

"Just washing my hands," Piotr said with a straight face. He indicated behind him. "There is a small lake just over there."

"Who cares?" Mastermind grumbled irritably, yanking pine needles out of his hair. "I wouldn't touch some slime infested pond water if it was laced with sugar and packed full of coffee!"

"Ignore him. He's just sore from sleeping on pine cones all night," Remy said walking up to Piotr. "But next time wake one of us up and tell us where you're going. You're getting a bad habit of wandering off by yourself."

"Sorry," Piotr said sheepishly.

"Well, now that Colossus is back," Pyro clapped his hands together after having put on his pack. "Let's get outta here and find someplace to have brekkie!"

"Okay," Remy prepared to activate the machine that he once again wore underneath his trench coat. "Everybody gather round and let's go."

"Yeah, yeah," Mastermind grunted as Remy activated the machine. "At least there's nothing we ended up affecting this time."

_Not much anyway_, Piotr thought of his actions as the machine whisked all them away. _After all, what could possibly come from it?_

* * *

><p>"Oh boy...yaaahhh!" Pyro yelped as he abruptly found himself falling. He flailed about and managed to grab onto something solid.<p>

"What the?" Remy gasped doing the same. The Acolytes had appeared in the middle of an enormous array of metal girders and steel cables. "What in the world is this?"

"Looks like the inside of an overgrown Erector set," Sabertooth hung onto a long catwalk that stretched along the metal framework. He glared at two bulging, silo-sized gas cells looming on either side of him. "What the devil are these things, balloons?"

RINGGG!

"Hey, I found a phone up here," Piotr stood on a narrow catwalk holding a small handset. The rest of the Acolytes carefully managed to work their way over to him.

"_Achtung, achtung. Alle besatzungsmitglieder._" A sharp, commanding voice came over the phone.

"What was that?" Pyro frowned leaned toward the receiver. "I didn't catch a word of it."

"It's German," Sabertooth growled. "It said 'Attention all crew members'."

"I didn't know you spoke German," Remy raised an eyebrow in surprise.

"When you're going up against the Stasi in East Berlin it pays to know what they're saying," Sabertooth told him. "Unless you want to end up permanently _mausetot_!"

"_Bereiten sie sich für landeoperationen,_" The voice continued over the phone. "_Arbeiten als professionelle mitglieder der großen zeppelin Hindenburg._"

"**Hindenburg?!**" Mastermind blanched in horror. "We're aboard the **Hindenburg?!**"

"Oh no," Remy gulped and tried to prevent his knees from shaking.

"So much for having breakfast," Sabertooth groaned.

* * *

><p><strong>Historical Notes: Paul Bunyan is one of the most famous figures of North American folklore. He is often described as a giant lumberjack of great skill and strength. While various theories of the source of his tales range from early 20th-century advertising to the Lower Canada Rebellion of 1837, the exact origins of Paul Bunyan stories have never "officially" been determined. <strong>

**The Hindenburg was a commercial passenger-carrying, hydrogen-filled dirigible and the largest airship ever build. It caught fire while attempting to land in New Jersey and was destroyed in less than a minute on May 6, 1937 A.D. While various theories have been proposed on how the disaster occured, the exact cause of the fire has never "officially" been determined.**


	8. Hint of Grey

**Hint of Grey**

"AAAHHHHHH!" Mastermind yelped as the Acolytes arrived in the next time period by collapsing in a heap. "Ohhh, are we dead?"

"No," Sabertooth snapped shaking free of the pile and getting to his feet. "But you came pretty darn close."

"Rats," Mastermind groaned banging his head on the floor. "For a brief moment I thought I'd finally be free from this stupid trip!"

"Sorry, no such luck," Remy quipped brushing off his trench coat. "Though having the machine finish cooling down three seconds before the whole blimp went up in flames seems quite lucky to me."

"At least the machine did not bring any flames along with us," Piotr said helping Mastermind up. "And now we know what caused the Hindenburg to blow up."

"And who's responsible for it," Sabertooth growled glaring at the culprit.

"Hey, it wasn't my fault!" Mastermind protested. "Colossus told me to grab that phone line. He should have known it would come loose and give off sparks."

"Well Sabertooth is the one who tore open the side of the gas cell," Piotr pointed out.

"Well it was the pilot's fault for turning suddenly and causing me to rip into the stupid hydrogen bag in the first place," Sabertooth snapped. "All that turning and shaking everywhere. That last jolt threw me clear off the catwalk."

"A true irony if there ever was one," Remy quipped glancing down at a screen. "Let's see where the machine chose to spit us out this time." The screen read:

**July 18, 1553 A.D.****  
><strong>**London****, ****England**

"London?" Pyro blinked looking around. The Acolytes had appeared in the middle of a long, dimly lit stone corridor. "This doesn't look like any part of London I've ever heard of."

"We must be in a building of some kind," Piotr concluded.

"No, ya think?" Sabertooth snapped.

"Maybe we're in the Tower of London," Remy suggested.

"Na, looks more like some ol' castle made out of white stones to me," Pyro commented peeking out a small window.

"Quiet," Mastermind frowned focusing his powers. "Someone is coming."

"Uh oh," Piotr gulped looking at the barren corridor. "What do we do? There is no place to hide."

"Talk our way out," Remy shrugged.

"**Knock** someone out," Sabertooth made a fist.

"Wait! Just stay still and be quiet," Mastermind hissed as his eyes began to glow.

A young, moderately dressed courtier appeared around the corner. He casually approached the Acolytes and passed by them without a thought.

"What did you do?" Piotr whispered to Mastermind watching the departing courtier. "He did not seem to see us."

"He didn't see us," Mastermind explained. "I made him see an illusion of an empty corridor."

"Really? Neat!" Pyro chirped.

"Shhh, not so loud," Mastermind hissed. "I can hide our appearances, but I can't hide the noise we make."

"Right, got it," Pyro nodded.

"Wait a second," Remy frowned at Mastermind. "If you can hide our appearances why didn't you do so when we were aboard the U.S.S. Maine?"

"Or in Egypt?" Piotr asked. "It could have prevented a lot of trouble."

"I was surprised and tired at the time, okay?" Mastermind snapped. "Plus it's hard to maintain the same illusion to several hundred people at the same time."

"Oh. I did not consider that," Piotr said. "Sorry."

"Yeah, yeah," Mastermind sighed. "So what do we do now? Wait here until we can use the machine again?"

"I think we should follow that guy and get a better idea of what's going on in this time," Remy said indicating the departing courtier. "We may end up staying here awhile. Who knows how long it will take for the machine to finish cooling down."

"Good idea," Pyro smiled as the Acolytes moved off down the corridor. "And maybe that bloke will lead us to some brekkie."

The Acolytes followed the courtier down a narrow spiral staircase and into a semi-crowded rectangular stone chamber. The courtier silently moved to stand next to a tall, well-dressed gentleman addressing a varied group of councilors and statesmen.

"Well, this is certainly a cheery group," Remy quipped as the Acolytes moved along one of the walls. "These guys look like they want to stab themselves so they can go hide under a rock."

"Believe me, I know the feeling," Mastermind muttered quietly.

"Fie, ye be shrewd to discov'r a means to slip aroint from this doom'd assemblage," One of the councilors whispered to another.

"Forsooth. Tis hope we hast a nonce to ple'd f'r maircy ere we art enwheeled in her vexatious Grace's fate," The other councilor replied.

"Huh?" Pyro blinked. "What did they say?"

"I do not know. I did not understand any of it," Piotr frowned in confusion.

"Sounds like they're all speaking some kind of high flaunting English," Sabertooth grunted. "Like that stupid writer guy, Shakespeare."

"Oh great. We'll **never** understand them," Pyro moaned.

"What are you talking about?" Remy gave them a look. "They're all speaking normally to me."

"That's not saying much," Sabertooth quipped.

"Wait, what is that in your ear?" Piotr peered at Remy.

"Oh, just one of several surplus items I nic...uh, **picked** up while we were at that mutant inventor's place," Remy reached up and pulled out a small, sleek earpiece. "Sabes was snoring so badly last night I tried using 'em as earplugs and...hey, those guys are speaking all funny now. I can't understand them."

"That's what we've been telling you," Pyro said.

"That thing must be some kind of verbal translating device," Mastermind concluded studying the earpiece. "You must have accidentally activated it when we got here."

"Technically **you** must have activated it when you landed with your elbow in my ear," Remy glared at Mastermind.

"While I do not approve how you obtained the device," Piotr sighed reluctantly. "Do you have any more?"

"Sure," Remy reached into his trench coat and handed an earpiece to each Acolyte. "Here ya go."

"Neat," Pyro chirped slipping one into his ear. "How do you turn it on?"

Sabertooth casually whacked Pyro on the side of the head. "Like that."

"Oooh, thanks mate," Pyro blinked dazedly. "Hey, I can understand these blokes now. This thing is great."

"I'll say," Remy said slipping his earpiece back on. "If it can translate Shakespeare, it can translate anything."

"Honored sirs, if we may return to the matter at hand," The tall, well-dressed gentleman caught the attention of everyone in the room. "What is the status of the royal budget?"

"Not well, Duke Henry," One of councilors reported with a slight Scottish accent. "The number of previously established free grammar schools has become very inefficient due to low attendance records, so we propose closing most of them and using the saved funds to..."

"Stop. How can you suggest such a thing?" He was interrupted by a pretty, red-headed girl who appeared to be in her mid-teens. She was seated on an elevated throne and wore a very well-made dress along with a necklace, pendant and embroidered lace coif.

"Hey, is it just me or does she look a lot like that one red-headed X-Man shelia?" Pyro asked.

"You are right. The resemblance is very close," Piotr noted.

"But my lady Jane Grey," The councilor began to protest.

"**Queen** Jane Grey," The girl corrected him. "And my name is pronounced 'Jane', not 'Jean'."

"Forgive me, Queen Jane Grey," The councilor gulped. "But why continue to support institutions that provide no return value?"

"Nonsense. Knowledge is the most valuable commodity of all," Jane declared. "We must install in our youth a full understanding of education, music and etiquette. Give the students more time in school with a proportional amount of added schoolwork."

"But students already attend school ten hours a day, six days a week!" One councilor protested.

"Then devise a way for students to bring their work home with them," Jane said. "Hmmm, bringing school work home, that's not a bad idea."

"Oh yes. I'm sure the students will just love you for that," One councilor muttered.

"Yes, hard work and a comprehensive education will help ensure that all people will think and behave in a proper, mature manner," Jane went on. "One must work to impress others while still having restraint. Too bad there are no records showing the relationship between laziness and violent, impulsive behavior."

"Actually, I have some statistics right here," One councilor held up a handful of papers.

"Well how was I supposed to know that?" Jane snapped at him. "What do you expect me to do, read your mind?"

"My Queen," One well-dressed courtier spoke up. "Your husband Lord Guildford Dudley, Duke of Clarence, wishes to know when you will grant him the title of King."

"I will make him King if and when I choose," Jane stated.

"But you have been married for nearly two months," The courtier pointed out.

"These things take time," Jane waved casually. "It is not like I am purposely putting him off and stringing him along solely for my own amusement."

"Of course not," Her father Duke Henry stated in support.

"Wanna bet?" One of Jane's female attendants whispered to another.

"Where are the rest of the councilors?" Jane demanded looked around the room. "When I call a meeting of the Privy Council I expect more than a quarter of the council to be here."

"Uh, they had other matters to attend to," One of the remaining councilors gulped. "You know: meetings, family emergencies, executions..."

"Well this is no good!" Jane huffed. "How can I conduct matters of state without a council? Someone go find the councilors and order them to report back to me immediately!"

"Good idea! I'll see to it at once!" A councilor quickly fled the chamber.

"Me too!" Several more councilors quickly followed suit. "The more of us working, the faster it will happen!"

"Now that is what I like. People who are so eager to please and serve their Queen," Jane smiled happily.

"That's one way to put it," One of the remaining councilors muttered.

"My Queen, we must discuss your personal finances," The Master of the Wardrobe said nervously. "I understand you have prevously made an order for twenty yards of velvet, twenty five ells of Dutch linen, thirty three ells of lining, six silver purse hangers, two hundred pearl-set buttons, six dozen books, the royal jewels, an assortment of fish-shaped toothpicks and the late Henry VIII's shaving supplies."

"Just a little shopping," Jane waved at him. "Besides, it was all ordered ages ago."

"It was last week!" The Master yelped.

"A queen has to keep up appearances," Jane played with her hair. "Everything I ordered is necessary to present myself as the great and wonderful ruler that I am destined to be."

"And the toothpicks?" The Master asked.

"Well what else do you expect me to clean my teeth with?" Jane gave him a look. "Some little wooden stick with animal hair on the end?"

"Your highness!" A tired messenger burst into the chamber. "Word has just been received that Lady Mary Tudor is nearing London with an army and the intent of being declared queen!"

"What? That's impossible!" Jane shouted. "What about the Duke of Northumberland and the five thousand men he sent out with to oppose her?"

"The Duke has surrendered to Mary and his forces have been dispersed," The courtier reported.

"What? But he is the finest soldier in the kingdom!" Jane fumed. "Still, he must surely have weakened Mary's army enough so that she will be unable to attack the city."

"Actually, the reports state that the Duke found himself vastly outnumbered and surrendered his army without a fight," The messenger told her.

"WHAT?!" Jane yelled.

"Your highness!" A second messenger ran into the chamber. "Six royal ships along with all their crews and cannons have deserted and gone over to Mary!"

"Cannons?" One of the remaining councilors gulped nervously.

"Your highness!" Yet another messenger ran into the chamber. "The missing members of the Privy Council have been located! They have joined with Lady Mary and are ready to proclaim her Queen!"

"WHAT?" Jane yelled. "But they already declared her claim to be illegitimate and have pledged themselves to me! How could they do this?"

"Apparently they never really liked you and switched sides the moment they sensed you were about to take a fall," A nervous courtier replied.

"Well, what of the people?" Jane demanded. "Surely they desire to have me as their Queen since I am so well-known and respected."

"I must report that they do not," The messenger said. "The people overwhelming approve of Mary and find you to be most unpopular."

"WHAT?!" Jane yelled. "This is an outrage!"

"Um, your highness," Her father Duke Henry tried to calm her down. "Given the circumstances it seems that you have no choice but to surrender the crown."

"NEVER!" Jane screamed. "I AM THE QUEEN OF THIS LAND! YOU HEAR ME? I AM QUEEN! QUEEN! QUEEN!" She continued to rant as several of her female attendants moved in and dragged her from the chamber.

"Well, that was interesting," Remy commented as the Acolytes watched from the cover of Mastermind's illusion.

"Fair dinkum," Pyro nodded. "Who knew royal breakdowns were so full of drama? Hey look. That fancy shelia's so worked up she's ripping out her hair and peeling off her skin!"

"Oh dear," Piotr winced and turned away as the rest of the room's non-mutant occupants began to panic. "I did not need to see that. Can we go now?"

"Yeah, sure. The machine's all done cooling down," Remy glanced at it.

"About time," Sabertooth grunted. "Let's get outta here."

"Awww, but I'm still hungry," Pyro whined. "We really gotta make sure to get some brekkie next time. Or more like in the next time, presuming that we have time."

"Oh no, don't start **that** again," Mastermind snapped.

"I am still surprised at how much that young queen looks like that one female, red-headed X-Man," Piotr stated. "Do you think they may share other similarities as well?"

"I doubt it," Remy replied as he prepared to activate the machine. "After all, what are the chances of that?"

* * *

><p><strong>Historical Notes: Lady Jane Grey was an English noblewoman who became the <em>de facto<em> Queen of ****England**** on ****July 10, 1553 A.D.**** at the age of sixteen. She reigned for a total of nine days before being replaced by Mary I who had her imprisoned in the Tower of London and declared an usurper. She was later accused of treason and beheaded on ****February 12, 1554 A.D.**

**Toothbrushes would not be adopted in ****Europe**** until the 17th century A.D. **


	9. Acolyte Influence

**Acolyte Influence**

"Achooo!" Pyro sneezed as the machine finished whisking the Acolytes away from the castle.

"Yuck!" Mastermind jumped and turned to glare at him. "For heaven's sake, turn away when you sneeze instead of spraying your disgusting snot all on me! Agggh, it's in my hair!"

"Sorry," Pyro sniffed. "I didn't mean to do it. It just came on all of a sudden."

"Yeah, yeah," Mastermind grumbled shaking his head. "So, what wonderfully stupid epoch in time are we about to experience now?"

"Not sure. The machine is still working on it," Remy said glancing at a screen.

"Of course," Mastermind groaned.

"At least we ended up someplace nice," Piotr said gazing around. The Acolytes had appeared at the edge of a wild open field next to a dusty dirt road. "Blue sky, fresh grass, the scents of the Earth..."

"And ragweed," Pyro sniffed. "Achooo!"

"Oh joy," Mastermind sighed.

"Enough with the sightseeing already," Sabertooth growled impatiently. "Let's go find someplace to eat around here before I decide to rip off one of your arms and eat it myself!"

"You wouldn't," Mastermind blanched.

"Wanna bet?" Sabertooth gave him an evil grin.

"Okay, the machine's ready," Remy said showing them a screen. It read:

**May 9, 1854 A.D.****  
>Clay County, <strong>**Missouri**

"Missouri?" Pyro blinked. "Where's Missouri?"

"Is that near Mississippi?" Piotr asked.

"No. Mississippi is in the Lower South," Remy explained. "Missouri is more in the Midwest. Or Upper South depending on the exact region."

"Okay," Piotr still looked somewhat confused.

"Excuse me."

"Huh?" The Acolytes spun around to find a young boy standing in the middle of the road. The boy appeared to be about six years old with sandy hair, blue eyes and was very neatly dressed. He even wore a small bowtie.

"Hello," The boy said politely. He spoke with a noticeable Southern accent. "Have any of you gentlemen seen an elderly lady with a handbag and shotgun around here?"

"Uh, no," Piotr blinked in surprise.

"Okay then. Sorry to bother you," The boy shrugged and turned to leave.

"Hey, wait just a tick, mate," Pyro called out. "You know where a bloke can nab some tucker around here? And where exactly is here?"

"Oh, are you gentlemen lost?" The boy asked.

"Well, actually..." Piotr began.

"Yes! We're lost!" Pyro cut him off and pretended to swoon. "Lost and alone, adrift in the cold world without a crumb or biscuit to call our own!"

"Oh brother, what a line," Remy rolled his eyes.

"And I thought his usual stuff was bad," Mastermind grumbled.

"Well then, if you are hungry I can take you back home," The boy offered. "After all it is right and proper to offer assistance to those in need."

"Yes, yes it is," Pyro smiled at him. "Ta mate!"

"Come on. This way," The boy began heading down the road.

"You got it," Pyro chirped skipping after him.

"Okay," Mastermind blinked. "That's different."

"I'll say," Remy agreed. "People sure are trusting here."

"That kid is anyway," Sabertooth snorted.

"Um, shall we?" Piotr indicated Pyro and the boy.

"Why not?" Remy shrugged as the rest of the Acolytes moved to catch up with them. "We might even get a home-cooked meal out of it."

"One can only hope," Mastermind muttered.

"Pardon me," The boy looked up at Pyro. "But you speak very strangely. Are you a Yankee?"

"Nope," Pyro puffed up with pride. "I'm Australian!"

"What's that?" The boy blinked.

"Forget it. You're better off not knowing. Trust me," Remy cut in smoothly while Pyro squawked in indignation. "The name's Remy. What's yours?"

"James," The boy answered politely. "My full name is James James. Most people just call me J.J."

"J.J. Got it," Remy nodded.

The Acolytes were led off the road and soon arrived at a long, white, one-story farmhouse. "Here we are. This is my home." J.J. told them.

"Ah. It is very nice," Piotr complimented.

"J.J.!" The front door to the house opened and a tough, frontier-style woman stepped onto the porch. She appeared to be in her late twenties and held a partially cleaned muzzle-loading rifle. "What are you doing here, boy? You know you should be out and about looking for your granny."

"I'm sorry Ma. But I came upon these gentlemen whom are lost and need of a meal," J.J. indicated the Acolytes.

"I see," Ma James studied them warily. "You boys new around here?"

"Uh, yes," Piotr said nervously.

"Any of you boys Yankees?" She began to raise the rifle.

"_Non_," Remy replied smoothly stepping to the fore. He smiled at the woman while turning on the charm. "I'm from Louisiana and I and my companions are hoping to find some fine, fellow Southern hospitality."

"Oh geeze," Mastermind groaned. "And he said Pyro's lines were bad."

"Well why didn't you say so!" Ma James smiled lowering the rifle. "We need more fine Southerners in this state. Come on in!"

"Thank you, ma'am," Remy grinned doing so. "Much obliged."

"Then again," Mastermind sighed. "What is it with these people falling for bad lines?"

"At least they are not as bad as what some writers come up with," Piotr said.

"Who cares?" Sabertooth growled shoving them aside and stomping into the house. "Let's eat!"

* * *

><p>One hour later...<p>

"That was very good," Piotr commented as he finished his meal of eggs, biscuits, fried potatoes and smoked meat. The Acolytes were seated around a dining table in the second room of the house.

"Why thank you," Ma James smiled while fixing a pot of tea. She faced the stove with her back to the table. "My, you boys sure eat a lot."

"You have no idea," Sabertooth grunted with his mouth full of potatoes.

"We haven't had anything to eat for a while," Mastermind said taking another piece of meat. "Sorry if we end up consuming more than you can afford."

"Eh, don't fret about it," Ma James waved. "Smoked squirrel lasts only so long anyways. Have as much as you want."

"**Squirrel?!**" Mastermind nearly choked on his food. "This is **squirrel?!**" He gazed at the meat in horror.

"Yep. Fixed 'em all last month," Ma James told them. "Don't know what they managed to feed on all winter, but they sure had puffy bladders."

"AAAGGGHHHHHH!" Mastermind screamed and ran out of the house while gagging.

"What's wrong with him?" Ma James looked up at Mastermind's departure.

"Nothing," Remy said smoothly. "He just needs to...relieve himself."

"In more ways than one," Sabertooth snorted.

"Oh, okay," Ma James shrugged and turned back toward the stove. "For a second I thought he was complaining about the food. Sorry for the poor quality of it by the way. Charlotte usually does the cooking around here."

"Charlotte? Who's Charlotte?" Remy asked.

"She's my servant," Ma James replied casually.

"Servant," Remy's eyes narrowed slightly. "You mean she's a slave?"

"Of course. What else would she be?" Ma James shrugged.

"Oh," Piotr shifted uncomfortably. The Acolytes shared uneasy looks.

"She and the rest of the hands are out with my son Franklin trying to find his granny," Ma James continued unaware of the mutants' disapproval. "That old lady keeps running off and raising Cain all over the place."

"I see," Remy kept his voice steady.

"I'd be out looking for her myself if I didn't have to look after little Susan," Ma James smiled at a small, four year old girl clinging to her dress. "She's shy, but she'll warm up once she gets to know you."

"I doubt it," Sabertooth muttered.

"So, tell me more about yourselves," Ma James set the finished pot of tea on the table and took a seat next to Piotr. "You look like a fine healthy man. You have any experience working a farm?"

"Um, yes," Piotr nodded. "I grew up working on one with my family."

"Really?" Ma James gazed at him appreciatively. "What did you raise?"

"Wheat and millet mostly," Piotr gulped as she edged closer to him. "Also some turnips, beets and potatoes."

"Huh. We raise mostly hemp and tobacco ourselves," Ma James smiled leaning towards him. "So, are you married?"

"Hey there you little shelia," Pyro noticed Susan who was still clinging to her mother's dress. "You haven't had a single bite. Don't you want brekkie?"

"Nuh uh," Susan shyly shook her head. "Want hotcakes."

"Well then you're in luck," Pyro got up and made his way over to the stove. "Cause I have a way to make them **really** hot!"

"Yay!" Susan clapped.

"WHOOOHAHAHAHAHA!" A spirited, grey-haired old woman suddenly burst into the house. She wore a men's style shirt and trousers and carried a large, double-barreled shotgun. "THE BATTLE HAS BEGUN! WOMEN DEFEND YOUR MEN!"

"Oh look. Granny's back," Ma James managed to tear her gaze from Piotr. "Where the devil have you been woman? The whole household has been looking everywhere for you!"

"Quick! Arm yourselves!" Granny James shouted as she threw open a chest and began loading up on ammunition. "The British are coming! The British are coming!"

"British?" Piotr blinked in confusion. "Are you under attack?"

"Not exactly," Ma James explained. "Granny's mind went a little loopy a while back. She thinks she's still fighting in the War of 1812."

"Oh, well that explains why you would need help providing her with protection," Piotr noted.

"Who said anything about that?" Ma James gave him a look. "Franklin and the others are out to help protect everyone else from **her**!"

"Stack the cotton bales! We'll defend New Orleans to the last!" Granny finished loading her shotgun and swept the room with a wild twinkle in her eye. "Ahhh! A Britisher!"

"Huh?" Sabertooth grunted as he noticed her staring straight at him. "Listen lady. I'm not a Brit, I'm Ca..."

KA-BOOM!

"AAAUUUGGGHHH!" Sabertooth yelled as he was shot. "YEEEOOOWWW! THAT HURTS!"

"Hahahahaha!" Granny James grabbed a cast iron frying pan and began hitting him in the head with it. "Take that you bloody redcoat!"

"STOP CALLING ME THAT YOU CRAZY...AAAHHHHHH!" Sabertooth yelped as she continued to wail on him.

"Ma, Granny's shooting in the house again," Susan tugged on her mother's dress.

"That's nice," Ma James waved absently having turned her attention back to Piotr. "My second husband's dead you know. We were going to get a divorce, but he was shot...uh, I mean **thrown** off his horse and split his head open instead."

"Uh, I am very sorry to hear that Ms. James," Piotr gulped.

"Call me Zerelda," Ma James purred.

"Just ignore them ya little shelia," Pyro grinned getting Susan's attention. "Break out the sugar and I'll show you how to make some **real** hotcakes!"

"Okay," Susan agreed.

"YAHHHHHH! GET AWAY FROM ME YOU CRAZY OLD BAT!" Sabertooth yelped and ran out of the house. "OW! OW! OW!"

"THAT'S IT! KEEP RUNNING YOU BLOODY LOBSTER-BACK!" Granny James zipped after him moving surprising fast. "HAHAHAHAHA!"

KA-BOOM!

"Excuse me, I need to get a little fresh air," Remy skillfully slipped away from the table oblivious to Piotr's frantic looks for help. He shook his head while chuckling to himself as he strode out the back door. "Well, I sure wasn't expecting to have breakfast and a show."

Remy noticed J.J. standing near an open tool shed struggling with a large farm tool. He casually walked over to him. "Hey, what'cha working on there, _homme_?"

"Chores," J.J. said gripping a heavy farming hoe. "Now that Granny is back I need to get ready to tend to the fields."

"I see," Remy glanced at the hoe which was in very poor condition. "That thing looks like it's been run over by a train. Maybe you oughta consider using something else."

"I can't. This is the best hoe we got," J.J. told him. "Most of our tools and equipment are in bad shape. But Ma says we can't afford to replace them."

"Well," Remy scratched his chin in thought. "You could always just obtain some new tools without paying for them. Like from a store or blacksmith or something."

"Oh, you mean borrow them?" J.J. asked looking up.

"More like borrow them **permanently**," Remy clarified.

"You mean **steal** them?" J.J.'s eyes grew wide.

"Stealing is such an ugly word," Remy waved. "I prefer to think of it as an innovative method of material acquisition."

"But it is wrong!" J.J. protested.

"Why?" Remy asked. "You need the tools don't you? There are some just laying around a shop in town doing nothing but collecting dust aren't there?"

"Well, yes," J.J. admitted.

"So you could work to get money in order to acquire the tools you need," Remy continued. "Or you could just work to acquire the tools and leave out the middleman."

"But that is thievery!" J.J. gasped.

"What's your point?" Remy raised an eyebrow. "Thievery is a trade just like any other. You work hard at it, accept the risks and if you do a good job you get rewarded for your efforts."

"But a real job has someone knowingly giving you things in exchange for hard work," J.J. pointed out.

"Well, duh. That's why you take stuff without their knowledge," Remy gave him a look. "What, you think people just **willingly** give things away?"

"Uh, no," J.J. admitted.

"Exactly. So you put in the effort and you get the same result either way," Remy pointed out. "You do the work and then you receive stuff for it. What's so bad about that?"

"That almost makes sense but it can not be right," J.J. looked very confused.

"And thieves have their own set of rules and codes too," Remy went on. "Like never take any more from someone than what they can afford. Or deserve, depending on the situation. And avoid hurting anyone unless absolutely necessary."

"Wow. I did not know that," J.J. blinked.

"And being a thief isn't as bad as some people make it out to be," Remy huffed. "At least when you're a professional. You can always count on knowing a thief's true intentions. Unlike other so-called 'honest' occupations that only pretend to be honorable while taking you for everything you own. Like crooked bankers and disguised snake oil salesmen."

"I suppose," J.J. looked at him skeptically. "Still, it does not justify taking things that you do not own or use."

"Everything gets used eventually. It just depends by whom," Remy told him. "Remember, there are only two kinds of people in the world: thieves and those they thieve from." He casually held up J.J.'s bow tie.

"What?" J.J. gaped as his hand flew to his collar. "But how...?"

"It's **thievery**," Remy handed J.J. his tie back while flashing him a knowing grin. "Which side of it do you want to be on?"

"Wow," J.J. gazed up at Remy in awe.

"AAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!" Sabertooth dashed by while still being pursued. "FOR THE LAST TIME LADY, YOU BETTER KNOCK IT OFF BEFORE I GET REALLY MAD...YEEOOOWWWWWW!"

"HAHAHAHAHA!" Granny James laughed maniacally as she whapped him with the frying pan. "THEY'RE ON THE RUN LADIES! STICK 'EM WITH THE KNITTING NEEDLES!"

"HELP! GET AWAY FROM ME!" Piotr bolted out of the house with a look of sheer terror in his eyes.

"WAIT! COME BACK!" Ma James ran after him eagerly. "I GOT A LOT TO OFFER!"

"Ohhh," Mastermind staggered around the side of the house looking rather pale. "My stomach will never, ever feel right again. Oooh..."

"Hey, come back mates!" Pyro stood in the doorway holding a plate of hotcakes. Susan happily nibbled on one next to him. "There's a fresh batch of sweetmeat hotcakes just waiting to be eaten!"

"NO! NOT THE MEAT! WAAAGGGHHHHHH!" Mastermind screamed running off. "I SWEAR I'M NEVER GONNA EAT ANOTHER PIECE OF MEAT AS LONG AS I LIVE! NEVER! NEVER! NEVER!"

"They're not that kind of meat, mate!" Pyro shouted chasing after him. "They're regular hotcakes packed full of fruit, sugar and all sorts of nuts! Like acorns!"

"GAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Mastermind gagged.

"Well, looks like it's time for me to go," Remy quipped at his fellow mutants' departure. He shot one last grin to J.J. and gave him a quick wave. "Take care _homme_ without being taken for a takee. See ya!"

"Bye!" J.J. waved as Remy quickly ran off after his teammates. "Wow, he's right. Better to be a taker than a takee. No more perfect, little, goody-good J.J. for me." He stared at his bowtie for a moment before decisively throwing it aside. "From now on I'm gonna try and be more like Remy. I'm even gonna change my name to be more like his. Like Jamie! No, that's no good. Jesse! Yeah, that's it. Jesse James!"

Remy ran and managed to catch up with Piotr while Sabertooth, Pyro and Mastermind trailed after them. "Well that was fun. We should do this again sometime."

"Let us not," Piotr gasped as he fugitively glanced over his shoulder.

"Gaaahhhhhh!" Sabertooth hissed as Granny James blasted him with her shotgun again. "That coot's really starting to bug me! What the heck are you waiting for Cajun? Fire up the stupid machine and get us out of here!"

"If you insist," Remy smirked as the Acolytes struggled to stay ahead of the two James women. "Though for once I wouldn't mind hanging around a bit longer to see what happens in this time. This trip's finally starting to get interesting."

"Interesting isn't the word **I** would call it," Mastermind groaned clutching his stomach. "But there's another adjective being with the letter 'I' that describes this whole, stupid situation **perfectly**!"

"So what else is new?" Sabertooth grunted.

* * *

><p><strong>Historical note: Jesse James was an American outlaw, bank robber, train robber, murderer, gang leader and bandit. He is most famous for being part of the James-Younger gang along with his brother Frank. He became a legend in his own time and is credited to have committed at least 26 robberies, 10 killings and stolen an estimated $250,000 ($4.5 million in 2010).<strong>

****I do not support thievery, stealing, robbery, burglary or theft. Remy's argument in favor of it is for humor purposes only.**  
><strong>


	10. Whole Lotta Burnin' Goin' On

**Whole Lotta Burnin' Goin' On**

"Ouch!" Piotr landed on his side while enveloped in complete darkness. "We really need to learn how to make better arrivals."

"You can start by getting your big foot off my face!" Mastermind snapped shoving it aside. "Gahhh, why can't **I** end up landing on someone else for a change?"

"Grrr..."

"Besides Sabertooth," Mastermind sighed sitting up. "Okay, what's he growling about this time?"

"Huh? That wasn't me," Sabertooth's voice came from nearby.

"Well if it wasn't you, then who...?" Mastermind blinked as Pyro coaxed a small fireball from his pack, revealing himself and Piotr to be in a cage along with half a dozen lions.

ROOOAAARRR!

"AAAHHHHHHHHH!" Mastermind screamed as the lions rushed him.

"Urrrah!" Piotr immediately armored up and superimposed himself in front of Mastermind. He managed to shield him while holding off the lions. "Stop! Stay back!"

"AAAUUUGGGHHH! GET ME OUTTA HERE!" Mastermind frantically pounded on the cage.

"I got it!" Remy quickly unbolted the cage and dragged Mastermind out of it. "Hey Piotr, let's go!"

"Right!" Piotr kept the lions at bay as he carefully backed out of the cage. Remy slammed the door shut and swiftly rebolted it.

"Gaaahhh!" Mastermind gasped while trying to recover from his shock. "I can't feel my pulse! I think my heart stopped! Twice!"

"Hey, get over it!" Sabertooth snapped and lightly slapped Mastermind. "Feel lucky you didn't end up in the hippo cage."

"Huh?" Mastermind blinked at the enormous hippopotamus imprisoned to the side. Other exotic animals laid or stood around them while caged up as well. "My gosh. Where the heck did we end up, the zoo?"

"I don't think so," Remy glanced around at the foreboding stone chamber they were in. The massive stone blocks had been cut and laid with exact precision. "Zoo's are supposed to be airy and open. This place seems more like a tomb."

"Awww, poor little cobbers," Pyro pouted while igniting a nearby torch. He stared at a pair of antelopes. "All locked up to waste away in some dark hole like this. It's not right!"

"Yeah, heartbreaking," Mastermind wheezed, finally catching his breath. "Any chance of getting out of here? And where exactly is here?"

"Just a second...ah, okay," Remy tapped at the machine. He showed a screen to the others which read:

**July 18, 64 A.D.****  
><strong>**Rome****, ****Italy**

"Rome," Sabertooth grunted. "Of course we'd end up in Rome."

"Hey, not bad," Remy commented. "I always wanted to come here."

"Uh, this is during the Roman Empire, correct?" Piotr asked studying the date.

"Yes," Mastermind nodded in confirmation. "We're talking Emperors, aqueducts, legions, the whole deal."

"So this would probably be a bad time in which to interact with the locals," Piotr ventured.

"Oh yeah," Mastermind sighed. "Unless you want someone here to report our presence to the Praetorian Guard."

"Like that's **really** gonna scare me," Sabertooth scoffed.

"While I agree with Sabes that we could easily take care of 'em, I'd prefer not to tangle with a group that is known for assassinations," Remy stated. "I've had enough dealings with assassins to last quite a while, thank you."

"Whatever," Sabertooth rolled his eyes. "Hey, someone's coming."

"Probably a keeper to check on the animals," Remy concluded grabbing the torch. "Let's go!"

"Eh?" The far end of the chamber became illuminated as a scruffy, thin man appeared at the entrance. He paused for a moment before the Acolytes knocked him aside and ran over him. "Uggghhh!"

"Sorry!" Piotr called back apologetically.

More shouts were heard nearby. "Great, there are more of them," Mastermind hissed. "Hurry up and find the way out!"

"Hey, I'd like to see you do better!" Remy snapped as he tried to navigate the network of stone passages. "Man, it's like a maze in here!"

"There! That way!" Sabertooth pointed to a pair of large, portcullis wooden gates. He let out a low roar and easily smashed his way through them.

"Oh my!" Piotr gasped exiting the gates and coming to a halt. He found himself on the grounds of a vast stadium over two thousand feet long and almost four hundred feet in width. Rows of seats towered three stories high encompassed nearly the entire length of its mile-long perimeter. Giant columns rose from a massive brick barrier running down the center of the track along with statues, reliefs, shines and obelisks. "What **is** this place?"

"It's the Circus Maximus," Mastermind said pausing next to him while looking around. "It's where the Ancient Romans used to hold chariot races, gladiator fights, athletic events and animal hunts."

"That explains all the animals caged up back there," Remy commented. "Wait, I thought gladiator fights happened at the Colosseum."

"Not yet. The Colosseum won't begin construction for at least another six years," Mastermind informed him. "It will take about ten years to build and even then only end up seating half as many people as the Circus Maximus."

"Wow, I did not know that," Remy blinked, impressed.

"This is amazing," Piotr marveled at the arches, monuments and pavilions spread throughout the stadium. A nearly full moon bathed them all in an almost divinely illuminated glow. "I have never seen anything like this."

"It is impressive to see it all in its entirety instead of in ruins," Mastermind turned to panorama the Circus in admiration. "We are the first people to lay eyes on its fully intact condition in centuries."

"I wish I had a sketchbook on which to capture it all," Piotr gazed at the historic structure in wonder. "And that there was more light so I could better make out the details."

FA-WHOOOOOOSSSHHHHHH!

The entire semi-circular end of the Circus erupted into flames. The ground shook as fires burst from the stands and rapidly began to engulf everything in their path.

"Looks like one part of that is about to come true," Remy quipped as flames began to rain down from the sky. "Ever hear the saying, 'Be careful what you wish for'?"

"Oops," Piotr gulped. "Unfortunately, I do now."

"HAHAHAHAHA!" Pyro appeared in the middle of the inferno cackling maniacally as lions, hippos, elephants and other unharmed creatures ran from the conflagration. "BE FREE MY FINE ANIMALS FRIENDS! FREE! FREE! FREE!"

"Oh dear," Piotr sighed at the rapidly dispersing menagerie. "We really should have made sure Pyro followed us out from that holding space."

"No, ya **think**?" Sabertooth snapped at him.

"PYRO YOU FIRE-HAPPY LUNATIC!" Mastermind screamed in indignation. "YOU BURNED ONE OF THE GREATEST, MOST AWE-INSPIRING STRUCTURES IN ROMAN HISTORY!"

"AAAHHHHHH!" Members of the Circus staff screamed and ran about while being chased by leopards. "OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! AIIIEEEEEEEEE!"

"YEAH! YEAH!" Pyro giggled insanely.

"No! No!" Piotr shouted handing his frock coat to Remy before wading into the flames.

"Well this was nice," Remy gulped and began quickly heading to the far end of the stadium as the blaze began to sweep onto nearby buildings. "Let's **never** do it again."

"Yeah, good luck with **that**," Sabertooth snorted following after him.

"That flame-flouting maniac!" Mastermind cursed trailing in their wake. "He burned Rome! He burned Moscow! What other cities will he end up turning to ash?"

"I have a bad feeling we're going to find out," Remy sighed.

* * *

><p>"Finally!" Sabertooth grunted as the Acolytes arrived in the next time period. "It's about time we got out of that stinking tourist trap!"<p>

"Yeah, spending three hours making our way through a burning Rome while avoiding being gorged by escaped rhinos is **really** entertaining!" Mastermind snapped.

"At least we were not set upon by crocodiles," Piotr mentioned having slipped back into his frock coat. "Unlike that one group of looters we ran into."

"Eh, those slobs deserved what they got," Remy noted. "They didn't have any sense of style at all."

"You said it, mate," Pyro chirped having calmed down from his burning spree. "So, where are we this time?"

"Another city by the looks of it," Sabertooth wrinkled his nose. "And boy does it stink!"

"Not as bad as Rome did," Mastermind coughed.

"At least we arrived during the night again," Remy glanced up at the cluttered skyline. The Acolytes had appeared in a cramped, cobbled alley. "Less witnesses around."

"Oh whoopee," Mastermind drawled. "What's the stupid machine say?"

"Hold on. It's still sprouting random symbols...there!" Remy tilted the machine towards his teammates. It read:

**September 2, 1666 A.D.****  
><strong>**London****, ****England**

"London?" Pyro blinked. "Hey, weren't we just here?"

"Yes, but this is over a hundred years later than last time," Piotr thought for a moment. "Though it looks very different."

"That's because we aren't cooped up in some old castle this time," Remy pointed out.

"Yeah, now we're on the streets," Mastermind grumbled. "That's **much** better."

"Better than ending up in the sewers," Pyro shrugged looking around. "Hey, a bakery! Let's get some snacks!"

"What? Wait, you can not..." Piotr trailed off as Pyro zipped across the alley. He quickly burned off the lock and slipped into the shop. "Never mind."

"Better go keep an eye on him, _homme_," Remy said glancing down at a screen. He began to remove his trench coat. "We'll wait out here. The machine's saying it needs to be loaded up with soap again."

"Okay," Piotr sighed before disappearing into the bakery.

"I don't believe this," Sabertooth cursed and started pacing around in the alley. "I'm lost in time, blindly jumping from place to place, forced to put my life in the hands of a malfunctioning, soap-powered time machine while traveling with a bunch of crazy, insane maniacs! I'm doomed!"

"You're not doomed," Mastermind sighed dejectedly. "We're **all** doomed!"

"Face it, we're never gonna get back home. Or whatever we had that passed for a home," Sabertooth spat while pacing faster and faster. "We're just gonna keep bouncing around time wrecking everything we come across! My life's been reduced to nothing more than a rip-off of a bad science fiction series!"

"My whole **life** seems like an outtake of a forgotten TV series," Mastermind moaned leaning against a building. "A prematurely cancelled cartoon series based off a minor, obscure comic book franchise."

"I have to admit you guys have a point," Remy said as he refueled the machine. "I almost feel like I'm stuck in a badly made episode of Quantum Leap."

"Yeah, except we're not leaping around putting things right that once went wrong," Mastermind snapped. "We're **causing** things to go wrong!"

"At least we aren't changing or altering history," Remy pointed out. "Are we?"

"Who knows? We can't tell unless we start to notice any changes," Mastermind shook his head in disbelief. "If anything we're **making** history. Literally! I should have known Pyro would end up causing the Great Fire of Rome! Until now nobody knows how it really started. We probably did similar things in other time periods when we visited them as well."

"What, you mean we're gonna end up being responsible for many of the little, unexplained or forgotten bits of history?" Remy raised an eyebrow skeptically. "Come on, what are the chances of **that**?"

KA-BOOOOOOM!

The entire alley shook as the bakery suddenly erupted into flames. "I'd say they're pretty good," Mastermind gulped.

"Oh no," Remy groaned as he finished loading the machine. "Not again!"

"Hey, leggo!" Pyro yelled as Piotr dragged him out of the bakery. "We can't leave now! I didn't get any snacks yet!"

"I'll **smack** you in a minute!" Sabertooth growled snapping out of his funk. "What happened in there?"

"Sorry," Piotr sighed slapping a burning ember on his coat. "Pyro wanted to get some doughnuts for us all. Unfortunately, the bakery did not have any doughnuts so he decided to make some."

"Really? I didn't know Pyro knew how to make doughnuts," Mastermind blinked.

FA-WHOOOOOOM!

More flames leapt out of the bakery. "He does not," Piotr told him.

"Of course," Mastermind groaned as the flames quickly began to spread to nearby buildings.

"Look out. Somebody's coming!" Remy warned slipping behind a bend in the alley. The other Acolytes quickly did the same.

"Aggghhh!" A black-haired man with long curly locks, mustache and beard fled from the burning bakery. He struggled to put out the many fires on his fancy, well-made clothes. "What the devil just happened in there? It's like a pamphlet and broadsheet heresy cleansing competition at a multi-denomination religious symposium!"

"I'm sorry, sir," A short, smelly man followed after him dressed in filthy, shaggy clothes and a large, wide, floppy hat. "But I didn't see anything."

"Of course you didn't see anything," The other man snapped sarcastically at him. "Why should you have seen anything? You were only the lookout after all."

"That's what I was doing. I was looking out the window," The smelly man said.

"Appropriate considering a window is by definition nothing but a blank, empty space made in an otherwise solid construction. Exactly like the contents of your head," The black-haired man snapped. "Remind me why I didn't let Oliver Cromwell chop your head off when I had the chance."

"Because you didn't want me revealing you as a Royalist and exposing your disguise after he surrounded us," The smelly man replied. "And because you didn't want to go to all the work of hiring another servant."

"Of course," The black-haired man groaned. "Self preservation and cheap labor are the only reasons why I still bother to keep you around. Where else could I find a man who accepts his barely-above-starvation-level wages in turnips?"

"I still remember when you dropped your disguise and resumed your true identity after Cromwell died," The smelly man said. "And how you thumbed your nose at his head after his buried body was dug up, hung in chains and beheaded."

"Yes, and that act got me into the good graces of King Charles II," The black-haired man snapped. "Who proceeded to treat me as the personal errand boy of His Majesty the Mad Monarch of Baaing and Breaking Wind! It's his fault for sending me out to the Royal Baker on Pudding Lane at an unholy hour of the morning all because he got a craving for two dozen portly puffed pastries!"

"I thought it was because you wanted to spend time with the baker's maid," The smelly man blinked.

"Well, that too," The other man admitted. "Things were really heating up between us in there. If it hadn't been for the whole place suddenly turning into the devil's private sausage smoker she may have very well ended up having a bun in the oven."

"I love buns," The smelly man smiled. "Where is the maid anyway?"

"How should I know? I've already forgotten her name," The black-haired man waved. "I swear the King thinks I've got nothing better to do than cater to his every will-o'-the-wisp whim. He may be madder than a knot of toads stuffed in a conga drum during mating season, but at least he's British! Well, half British anyway. It'll be a sad day should the ruling head of the British Monarchy ever become a mad, foreign toff with the brain the size of a Frenchman's virtue. The only thing worse would be if a descendent of mine ever became his butler!"

"That doesn't sound very likely, sir," The smelly man blinked.

"Not as likely as this anyway," The black-haired man snapped before punching him in the face. "Come on, let's get out of here before the Watch arrives!"

"Oh sir. You don't think you'll be the one blamed for causing the fire, do you?" The smelly man asked woozily. "Because if you do end up getting blamed, I have a cunning plan on how to get yourself out of it."

"The only 'get' I see is the stupid, smelly one standing next to me," The other man snapped whipping out a dagger and brandishing it in front of the smelly man's face. "And if you mention a word of this to anyone you'll get this shoved right been the eyes and find yourself with your own cranially-located window!"

"Understood sir," The smelly man nodded.

"Good," The black-haired man put the dagger away. "Now let's get out here."

The Acolytes watched as the two men disappeared into the alleyways. "Well, that was interesting," Remy commented.

"More like mind draining," Mastermind grumbled. "Though I must say those two characters seemed kind of familiar..."

"Um, I think it is time we got out of here as well," Piotr gulped as more buildings were greedily consumed by the blaze. "Before we end up causing **another** city to burn down."

"Too late for that," Sabertooth grunted. "Is the machine all loaded up?"

"Yep," Remy nodded slapping a panel closed and slipping on his trench coat. "Let's go."

"Awww, but I haven't gotten any snacks yet," Pyro pouted.

"We'll get some next time," Remy glared at him as he waited for a chance to activate the machine. "As long as you behave and don't end up being the cause of **another** raging inferno!"

* * *

><p>One time jump later...<p>

"I should have known," Remy groaned rubbing the bridge of his nose. "I should have known that lunatic would have been the one behind this!"

"HAHAHAHAHA!" Pyro cackled insanely as Chicago burned in the background. "BURN BABY BURN! YEAH! YEAH!"

"So much for getting snacks," Mastermind grumbled.

"Speak for yourself," Sabertooth burped wiping his mouth. "That rack of ribs I tore off that cow when we got here tasted pretty good."

"Oh dear," Piotr sighed while standing next to Remy. "We really need to find a way to stop Pyro from burning every city we come across."

"Though how we ever plan to accomplish that is anyone's guess," Remy sighed.

* * *

><p><strong>Historical notes: The Great Fire of <strong>**Rome**** raged for six days before being brought under control, and then reignited and continued burning for another three. Eventually seventy percent of the city would be destroyed. While various theories have been proposed on possible motives for the disaster, the exact cause of the fire has never "officially" been determined.**

**The Great Fire of ****London**** raged for four days before burning out. It destroyed over 13,000 homes and an estimated eighty percent of the city. While the source of the blaze has been agreed to have originated at a bakery on ****Pudding Lane****, the exact cause of the fire has never "officially" been determined.**

**The Great Fire of ****Chicago**** occurred on the night of October 8, 1871 A.D. and continued until the morning of October 10, 1871 A.D. It destroyed over three square miles of the city including more than 17,000 buildings and over $200 million in property (about $3.6 billion in 2010). While the source of the blaze has been agreed to have originated near ****137 DeKoven Street****, the exact cause of the fire has never "officially" been determined.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Quantum Leap or Blackadder.**


	11. Of Acolyte Origin

**Of Acolyte Origin**

"Ahhh!" Remy smiled taking a deep, cleansing breath. "At last, some clean, cool, smoke-and-ash-free air!"

"That's one way to put it," Mastermind coughed shaking off his time travel disorientation. The Acolytes had appeared in a narrow dingy alley. "At least the sun is out this time. That makes it seem much better."

"**Anyplace** would seem better than that burning char house we just left," Sabertooth grumbled before sneezing several times. "Agggh, I can't smell a thing!"

"Um, we are not alone here," Piotr noticed a shady figure staring at them from one side of the alley.

"Uh...uh..." The figure gaped having apparently witnessed the Acolytes' arrival.

"What are you looking at, punk?" Sabertooth growled baring his fangs. "Get outta here!"

"Ahhhhhh!" The figure yelled and ran off in fright. "_Pomoże! Wilkołak! Potwór!_"

"Uh, did anyone catch a word of what that bloke said?" Pyro blinked.

"I did not," Piotr frowned.

"The cadence seemed kinda familiar," Sabertooth grunted thinking for a moment. "I think he was speaking Czech or something."

"Really?" Mastermind blinked. "Sounded more like Serbian to me."

"Na, it was Polish," Remy concluded.

"How do you know?" Pyro asked.

"Because that's we are," Remy turned to show them the machine. One of the screens neatly displayed:

**June 17, 1604 A.D.****  
><strong>**Kraków****, ****Poland**

"Oh, okay," Piotr blinked. "That makes sense. But wait. Why didn't the earpieces translate what was said?"

"I dunno," Remy removed his earpiece and studied it. "We must have left 'em on too long and they just ran out of juice."

"Great," Mastermind groaned. "Talk about a waste of resources. So much for understanding the locals."

"Hey, the translators served their purpose," Remy snapped as the Acolytes removed their earpieces and slipped them into their uniforms. "Maybe we'll find a way to recharge them at some point. And don't worry about the locals. I can speak a little Polish."

"Really?" Piotr blinked. "That is good. How much do you know?"

"Uh, actually I only know one sentence," Remy admitted. "_Kocham Cię_. It means 'I love you'."

"Oh geeze," Sabertooth snorted. "Why am I not surprised?"

"That's it?" Mastermind snapped. "You think you can converse with the locals just because you know how to say '**I** **love** **you**'?"

"Eh, what else is there to know?" Remy shrugged. "Used expertly with the right _femme_ and that's **all** I need to know!"

"Oh my," Piotr blushed in embarrassment.

"Do I even want to know how you managed to pick up that phrase?" Mastermind drawled sarcastically. "Not to mention whatever **else** you managed to pick up in the process?"

"It's actually kind of a funny story," Remy smiled in remembrance. "I was inside the quarters of this rich, visiting Polish ambassador see, and he had the most lovely, twenty year old daughter..."

"Uh, where is Pyro?" Piotr interrupted.

"Huh?" Remy blinked looking around. Pyro was nowhere in the alley. "Hey, he's gone!"

"Oh no. That maniac is loose!" Mastermind moaned throwing up his hands. "How long until he ends up setting **this** city on fire?"

"You really want to find out?" Remy quipped.

"Who cares? I say we ditch the Firebug and leave him here," Sabertooth snapped. "He's been nothing but trouble this whole stupid trip. We're better off without him!"

"How can you say that?" Piotr frowned in disapproval. "We can not leave Pyro here in this time period."

"Why not?" Mastermind grumbled. "It's better than bringing him back with us to ours. This way he will never be able to come back. Magneto would probably approve."

"But what about the timeline?" Remy asked. "Pyro could have a catastrophic effect on the future if we leave him here."

"Oh come on. How much damage could he possible do?" Mastermind trailed off and thought for a moment. "On second thought..."

"Oh crud, you're right," Sabertooth growled reluctantly. "We have to take him with us. Otherwise he'd end up wrecking everything!"

"Yeah, forget the Dark Ages. The **Pyro** Ages would be the real downfall of civilization as we know it," Remy quipped. "C'mon. Let's go find him."

"Good," Piotr nodded in relief. He stepped out of the alley only to see a multitude of people filling the streets. "Uh, where do we look first?"

"Um, good question," Remy blinked. "Sabes?"

"What?" Sabertooth grunted. "I don't know where the stupid Firebug went."

"Can't you track him by his scent?" Mastermind asked.

"I could if my nose didn't still have the burned remains of Chicago clogging it up," Sabertooth snapped at him. "Gah, it's even in my mouth!"

"Well, looks like we do this the old fashioned way," Remy clasped his hands. "Literally. Let's plan to meet back here in an hour. Or at the nearest building that suddenly bursts into flames. Whichever comes first."

"Okay," Piotr sighed as the Acolytes split up.

* * *

><p>"Boy, what a neat place!" Pyro strolled around a large market square several blocks away from his teammates. Shops, houses, palaces and churches lined the perimeter while a huge Renaissance-style cloth hall dominated its center. Merchants, entertainers, nobles and peddlers flowed among the stalls offering everything from armor to silks, from leather to spices. "Can't wait to see what kind of snacks they have around here. Maybe I can show some of these blokes how to barbecue. Hey, a bakery!"<p>

Pyro skipped into a small shop that had baskets of rolls and buns sitting around. "Hi there! My name's Pyro! I'd like some doughnuts!"

"_Co?_" A bearded, middle-aged man stared at him in confusion while standing behind a counter. He wore a large apron while punching down some dough. "_Co powiedziałeś?_"

"Doughnuts!" Pyro made a ring-shape with his hands. "You know, things like this?"

"_Masz na myśli obwarzanek_?" The baker indicated an O-shaped bread roll large enough to fit around his wrist.

"No, not like that. I'm talking doughnuts. Smaller, sweeter, sugarier...oh never mind," Pyro slipped behind the counter. "I'll make my own."

"_Hej, uciec stamtąd_...ahhh!" The baker yelped as Pyro casually shoved him aside.

Pyro grabbed some strings of _obwarzanek_ hanging from the ceiling and quickly tied up the baker. "Don't fret, mate. I'll be done in a jiff."

"_Pomóże! Niech mi ktoś pomoże!_" The baker tried to break free, but ended up falling into a corner.

"Pipe down there, mate. This'll just take a tick," Pyro grinned stepping over to the dough and began forming it into doughnut-shapes. "Let's get cooking!"

* * *

><p>Piotr sighed as he made his way down the semi-crowded streets of Kraków. Many of the male passersby wore highly decorated robes, vests, sashes and waistcoats in a variety of bright colors. The females wore skirts, blouses, and aprons in an assortment of intricate patterns. <em>At least I do not stand out too much around here<em>, Piotr thought while wearing his acquired frock coat. _Neither would Pyro even with his pack_.

Piotr stopped at an intersection and scanned the street in multiple directions. _This is taking too long. Maybe someone has seen him_. Piotr walked up to one well-dressed man who appeared to be some kind of official. "Excuse me, have you seen a red-headed boy wearing a strange backpack around here?"

"_Co?_" The man frowned at him in confusion.

"Oh, sorry." Piotr remembered he was in Poland. He decided to take a chance and repeated the question in Russian.

The man blinked at him for a moment. "Ahhhhhh!" He shouted and hurriedly ran away from Piotr. "_Pomóże! Rosjanin! Rosjanin!_"

"Wait, come back!" Piotr called out and ran after him. "What did I say? I am sorry. I did not mean to scare you!"

"_Pomóże! Rosjanin szpieg! Rosjanin szpieg!_" The man stopped in front of a wide open training ground next to a large building that appeared to be a barracks.

"_Rosjanin?_" A company of soldiers turned to stare at Piotr, all of whom were armored, armed and in a few instances mounted on strong-looking warhorses. "_Rosjanin! Wróg! Dostać go!_"

"Oh dear," Piotr gulped as the soldiers advanced on him.

* * *

><p>Remy casually glided along the street while taking in the many architectural aspects of the city. Baroque, Gothic and Renaissance styles flourished among the buildings, some of which were in the early stages of construction. <em>Gotta love these old buildings with all their arches, ornaments and niches. They make 'em so much easier to scale and break into<em>, Remy smirked while casting an expert eye over a large, formidable looking castle set upon a low hill. _Maybe I'll have time to take a quick peak inside. A fortress like that must contain something worth taking..._

NEEEIIIGHHH!

"Huh?" Remy turned to see a horse-drawn carriage speed down the street clearly out of control. People frantically dived out of the way to prevent being run over.

"Aie!" A young, moderately-dressed woman stood frozen in the path of the rapidly oncoming carriage.

"Hey, look out!" Remy dashed over and barely managed to knock the young woman aside. They both hit the ground and rolled away as the horses and carriage quickly sped off.

"You okay, _mademoiselle_?" Remy asked as he carefully helped the young woman to her feet.

"_Och dziękuję_," The young woman gazed up at him dazedly. She had shoulder-length auburn hair, grey eyes and a smooth, pale complexion. "_Uratowałeś mnie!_"

"Sorry _mademoiselle_, but I don't understand a word you're saying," Remy smiled while slightly shaking his head.

"_Dziękuję bardzo_," The young woman smiled back placing a hand on her chest. "_Nazywam się Maria._"

"Marie," Remy repeated Frenchifying her last word. He realized she had introduced herself. "Sounds nice. I don't think I've ever met anyone with that name before."

"_Mówisz zabawny. Chciałbym cię lepiej poznać,_" Marie smiled taking his hand. "_Proszę iść ze mną._"

"I still don't know what you're saying _mademoiselle,_ but lead on," Remy grinned moving next to her as they began to walk away. _Maybe I'll have a chance to use my limited Polish after all..._

* * *

><p>"Stupid Firebug," Sabertooth growled as he angrily stomped down a dirty part of the street. "Stupid city. What kind of place is this? I've gone down two blocks already and haven't seen a single bar yet!"<p>

"AAAHHHHHH!"

An armored soldier flew through the air and crashed into the roof of a nearby shop.

SMASH!

"Huh, sounds like somebody's having a good fight," Sabertooth grunted tilting his head. "Think I'll check it out and try turning it into a great one."

CRACK!

"Huh?" Sabertooth frowned at the noise and turned into a small alley.

"_Zobacz, co zrobiłeś?_" Sabertooth found himself at the rear of a large stable containing a score of horses waiting in stalls. At the end of one stall stood a fancy, noble-dressed man holding a small horse whip with water dripping off his clothes. Lying on the ground in front of him lay a small, six year old stable boy. "_Głupi dziecko! Zniszczyłeś moje ubrania!_"

"Aiiieee!" The boy screamed as he was whipped. An overturned water bucket lay nearby.

"_Głupi dziecko! Nieostrożny nieszczęśnik!_" The man cursed at him.

Sabertooth's eyes grew cold as he watched the scene, an old memory surfacing in his mind:

_"See what you've done?" A large, frightening figure holding a thick belt loomed over a six year old Victor Creed. "You foolish child! You ruined my life!"_

_"Aiiieee!" Victor screamed as he was whipped. An empty water dish lay nearby._

_"Stupid kid! Wicked wretch!" The figure cursed at him._

"ROOOAAARRRRRR!" Sabertooth leapt at the man and tackled him to the ground.

"Ahhhhhh!" The man screamed and gaped at him in terror.

"YOU LIKE HITTING LITTLE KIDS PUNK?" Sabertooth lifted the man up by his neck and dug his claws into his flesh. "WHY DON'T YOU TRY HITTING ME?"

"Accck!" The man gurgled as blood began to flow.

"_O mój!_" The little boy sniffed and gazed up at Sabertooth.

Sabertooth prepared to crush the man's throat, but paused and stared down at the small boy for a moment. "No." He withdrew his claws slightly. "I'm not gonna kill you."

"Gahhh!" The shaken man gasped for breath.

"You ain't getting off that easy," Sabertooth smiled at the boy before turning back to the man. He grinned evilly causing the man to whimper. "I've got a better idea..."

* * *

><p>"Okay, so cooking the doughnuts that way didn't work," Pyro shrugged as he casually leaned against the counter. "I thought for sure you made doughnuts by boiling or frying them in water or something."<p>

"Mmmfff!" The baker still lay tied up in a corner, now with a large roll stuffed in his mouth.

"Oh calm down mate and eat up," Pyro waved glancing at the oven. "I'll be done in here soon. Baking the doughnuts is bound to work. The fact they were all boiled in water for a minute beforehand shouldn't affect them too much."

"Here you are!" Mastermind entered the bakery and glared at Pyro. "What do you think you were doing running off suddenly without telling anyone?"

"Hey Masty!" Pyro waved at him happily. "Want a doughnut? The batch I have in the oven will be done in a minnie."

"What I want is to be back at the base with the rest of you clowns," Mastermind snapped irritably. "Which is something I never thought I would ever hear myself say!"

"Ohhh," Piotr stumbled through the door while in his armored form. His coat had been slightly scuffed in a few places.

"Hi Colossus!" Pyro chirped at him. "What have you been up to?"

"I had a small...incident with some of the local garrison," Piotr sighed in reluctance. "I think there may be conflict between Poles and Russians during this time."

"No kidding," Mastermind glanced out the door to see several dazed soldiers hanging from nearby buildings. "How many did you fight?"

"Oh, only about thirty or so," Piotr shrugged reverted to his non-armored form. "I tried to just toss them away without hurting them, but I may have overdone it. Some of them were very persistent."

"I see," Mastermind blinked.

"Yay! All done!" Pyro cheered removing the hot, fresh contents from the oven. He eagerly blew on one and took a bite of it before frowning. "Hey! This isn't what I wanted!" He unhappily tossed the rest of the ring-shaped bread roll aside. "I spent all that time making doughnuts and instead I ended up with this! What a bloody doonboggle!"

"_Bouggle?_" The baker had finally managed to free himself and curiously picked up one of Pyro's baked goods. He carefully took a bite of it. "_Mmmm! Bajgle!_"

"Yeah, yeah. I know," Pyro glanced over as the baker proceeded to marvel at his creations. "Gee, from the way the bloke's acting you'd think he'd never seen a bagel before."

"AAAHHHHHH!" A herd of horses stampeded outside in the market square scattering people right and left. Stalls and carts were knocked over and trampled as the herd thundered by.

"Wheeeeee!" A small boy laughed while riding on a young pony in their wake. The pony also towed a disheveled, once-noble-looking man behind it.

"Ow! Ow! Ow!" The man wailed.

"Way to go, kid! Keep it up!" Sabertooth laughed following after them.

"And there is something I have never seen before," Mastermind blinked at the sight. "Sabertooth?"

"Hey, there you losers are," Sabertooth noticed them and stopped outside the door. "Great, you found the Firebug. Let's go."

"Eh, why not? There aren't any good snacks around here anyway," Pyro sighed as the Acolytes left the bakery leaving behind a very happy baker.

"Where did all those horses come from?" Mastermind asked. "And what was that guy doing being dragged behind a pony?"

"He's learning a lesson," Sabertooth gave a wicked smile. "One he definitely **deserves**!"

"O-kay," Mastermind gulped as Sabertooth began to laugh evilly. "I don't think I want to know any more. Let's get out of here. Where's Gambit?"

"AAAHHHHHH!" Remy literally ran into Piotr while looking around with a very panicked look on his face. "HELP! SOMEBODY SAVE ME!"

"Never mind," Mastermind sighed. "Okay, what did you do?"

"Nothing!" Remy gulped and hid behind Piotr. "I just saved a poor, innocent _femme_ from being run over by a carriage."

"And?" Mastermind raised an eyebrow.

"And...I might have tried to charm and flirt with her a bit," Remy admitted. "But for some reason she didn't seem to like it."

"Of course," Mastermind groaned.

"I don't know what I did to make her so mad at me," Remy gasped nervously. "In fact, there's only one other _femme_ who has ever reacted to me like that..."

"_Tam on jest!_" A company of soldiers appeared around a corner and pointed at Piotr excitedly. "_Dostać rosjanin_!"

"Uh oh," Piotr gulped. "I think we really should leave now!" He grabbed Remy and Pyro and ran off into the market square.

"Hey, come back here!" Sabertooth roared as Mastermind followed after them. "There's no reason to run off like a lunatic!"

"_Że jest jemu!_" A mob of angry-looking horseless riders spotted Sabertooth while brandishing whips and horse brushes. "_Pozwolił stracić nasze konie!_ _Dostać go_!"

"On second thought," Sabertooth turned and ran after his teammates.

"_CIEBIE!_" Maire burst out of the crowd wielding a very large sword. She chased after Remy with a look of pure murder in her eyes. "_UMIERAĆ!_"

"AAAHHHHHH!" Remy yelled.

NEIIIGGGHHH!

Horses continued to run about as the once-orderly market square turned into a madhouse.

"I knew it," Mastermind gasped as the Acolytes struggled to stay ahead of their three groups of pursuers. "I knew it was only a matter of time before we had an angry mob chasing after us!"

"I did not do anything!" Piotr protested. "Technically..."

"Neither did I!" Remy declared. "It was just a simple misunderstanding!"

"Just shut up and use the machine already!" Sabertooth snapped. "And don't tell me it's still in cool down mode!"

"It's still in cool down mode!" Remy shouted.

"I told you not to tell me!" Sabertooth roared.

"We really need to stop upsetting the locals everywhere we go," Piotr sighed.

"And to think we were worried about **Pyro** causing trouble!" Mastermind groaned.

* * *

><p><strong><strong>Historical note: The first known written mention of the bagel appeared in Kraków in the year 1610 A.D. While the similar bread product <em>obwarzanek<em> or _bublik _had been created hundreds of years before, the exact origin of the bagel has never "officially" been determined.****


	12. Oh Moai

**Oh Moai**

"Ooo!" Pyro blinked while gazing up in awe. "Something must have gone wrong during that last time jump. My mind is empty and I feel like there is nothing for miles around. I see a light...I see a light..."

"That's the sun, you idiot," Mastermind snapped irritably.

"So it is," Pyro said shaking his head. "Whew, what a relief. For a moment I though the machine had messed up and sent me off to that big o' fireball in the sky."

"If only," Sabertooth growled. "Then we wouldn't have to put up with your stupid prattling and idiotic banter. Though you were right about your mind being empty with nothing around in it."

"Anywho," Pyro ignored Sabertooth and finished clearing his head. "Where are we this time?"

"Dunno. Looks like we're somewhere near the coast," Remy said gazing out to sea. The Acolytes were near the top of a green, sunny hillside while the ocean appeared to be about a mile away. "Though the coast of where I have no idea. Let's see what the machine says." He glanced down at a screen which displayed:

**November 10, 1437 A.D.  
>Ahu Huri a Urenga, <strong>**Rapa Nui**

"Huh?" Pyro blinked at the screen. "What is that? Is the machine still displaying random numbers and symbols?"

"I don't think so," Remy tapped the side of the machine. "Looks like it's displaying the right time and location. But I have no idea where this place is."

"Could we be in Africa? Or southeast Asia?" Mastermind suggested.

"We're on Easter Island you nitwits," Sabertooth grunted.

"How do you know?" Piotr asked curiously.

"Because of those," Sabertooth pointed behind him.

"Huh?" Piotr turned and saw two massive stone statues looming above him. The two monoliths had overtly large heads, white eyes and stood on an elevated stone platform. "Oh."

"Okay, that's good enough for me," Remy shrugged stepping over to them. Each statue was nearly twice as tall as he was. "Rapa Nui must be the local name of the island."

"Yeah, it wouldn't make sense for them to call it Easter Island," Pyro nodded. "I don't see a single bunny or painted googie anywhere."

"At least the view is nice and there is no one else around," Piotr said gazing out to sea.

"Thank goodness," Mastermind sighed taking a seat. "Finally a chance to rest, relax and try to recover from this ordeal."

"Really? I thought you were a 'creature of cities and civilization'," Sabertooth mocked as Mastermind sat on the platform. "You don't do outdoors."

"Hey, I may prefer an environment that has access to books, toilet paper and water that comes out of a faucet, but even **I** need to get away from it all once in a while," Mastermind snapped. "And let's face it, you can't get much further away from it all than here!"

"And what a place here is!" Pyro smiled spreading his arms wide. "Blue skies, fresh breeze and lots and lots of sun!"

"Whoopee," Sabertooth drawled.

"Ya know, these statues look like they're pretty solid," Remy rubbed his chin in thought. "And they will apparently remain standing in our time. I bet we could hollow out and seal up a secret compartment inside one of them."

"What?" Piotr gasped at him in shock. "But that is defacement! It is vandalism! Why would you ever want to do that?"

"To create a secure hiding place to cache our souvenirs," Remy said matter-of-factly. "Duh."

"Souvenirs?!" Mastermind yelped. "**What** souvenirs?"

"Oh, just a few little things I've nicked...er, I mean **acquired** during our trip," Remy smirked and began to retrieve several objects from his trench coat. "Some gold coins I found on those French soldiers in Moscow, a piece of wreckage from the U.S.S. Maine, two of the dropped guns used at the O.K. Corral..."

"Of course," Mastermind groaned.

"More coins taken from those looters in Rome," Remy went on. "A sterling silver teaspoon from J.J.'s house in Missouri. And what looks like a fat, old-fashioned wallet I took off some random guy in Chicago."

"Why am I not surprised?" Mastermind sighed.

"I've got some souvenirs too!" Pyro chirped reaching into his uniform. "A spoon I got instead of doughnuts at that Polish bakery, a piece of fabric from the Hindenburg, a jeweled necklace from that temple in ancient Egypt..."

"Ooo, nice," Remy smiled in approval.

"A bracelet I nipped off one of those councilor blokes in England," Pyro continued. "And a broken ankle shackle from one of the convicts at Botany Bay."

"I should have known," Mastermind moaned. He turned towards Sabertooth expectantly. "I don't suppose anyone **else** took things during this trip?"

"Well, actually," Piotr coughed.

"WHAT?!" Mastermind turned and stared at him in shock. "**You** took souvenirs?!"

"It is not much," Piotr meekly reached into his frock coat. "Just a piece of one of the burning figures from the Circus Maximus. And a twig from one of the pine trees in Canada."

"Okay, I can understand you saving a piece from the Circus Maximus, but a **twig**?" Mastermind blinked. "Why would you ever want to take a twig?"

"No reason," Piotr whistled innocently.

"Never mind," Mastermind groaned. "Personally I want to forget about all this until it's nothing more than a bad dream. But you idiots actually took things to help you **remember** this whole stupid trip?"

"Well, that and the fact that this stuff will be considered rare, historical artifacts and end up being worth a fortune," Remy said.

"I have to admit, he has a point," Sabertooth grunted.

"Of course I do," Remy smirked. "And that's why we need to cache this stuff someplace safe so we don't risk losing it all in some other time period."

"I suppose that makes sense," Piotr considered Remy's idea. "But do we really have to hide them inside one of these stone statues? They can be considered rare, historical artifacts too."

"Hey, it's the perfect place," Remy explained. "A hidden compartment inside a solid monument that still exists in our time. And since it is a rare, historical artifact people will protect it and there will be no chance of anyone wrecking it and stumbling across our cache by accident."

"But won't we be wrecking the statues ourselves?" Piotr asked.

"Na, we won't wreck them. We'll just make a little, secret alteration. Here, I'll show you," Remy moved to the rear of one of the statues. "First, we make a small opening for the compartment like so." Remy used his powers to make a shoebox-sized hole in the back of the statue.

"Uh," Piotr fidgeted uneasily.

"Next, we go deeper and hollow out the space for our secret compartment," Remy continued.

"Oh dear," Piotr groaned.

"Then we place all our souvenirs in the compartment," Remy carefully did so. Piotr and Pyro set theirs inside as well. "Then we take a similar-looking slab of rock from the stone platform, place it over the hole and have Pyro melt it into place."

"Yay!" Pyro cheered as Remy indicated a rock slab for Piotr to pick up. Piotr did so and set it in the hole where it just fit. "Here I go!"

"Please be careful," Piotr sighed as Pyro began to work. "We do not want to destroy the souvenirs after doing all this."

"Don't fret, mate. I got it," Pyro grinned as he directed the flame.

"The best part is that the fires will use up all the oxygen inside the compartment once it's finished," Remy explained. "So it will all be sealed airtight and our stuff will be safe, preserved and free from the risk of rust and decay."

"I hope so," Piotr sighed.

"All done!" Pyro laughed withdrawing the flames back into his pack. "Ta da! You can't even tell that it's there!"

"You are right," Piotr blinked at the back of the statue. "It looks exactly like it was before."

"See? I told you we wouldn't wreck it," Remy smirked. "And we can just use the same method to open it back up."

"Way to go geniuses," Mastermind snapped having watched the three Acolytes work. "Now how are you gonna know which statue you've hidden all that stuff in? If I remember correctly there are **hundreds** of such statues around the island."

"Easy. We just uniquely mark the statue like so," Remy demonstrated using his powers. "And done! Our souvenirs are now safe and secure and will remain so until we're ready to retrieve them in the future."

"Yay!" Pyro cheered happily. "Now all we gotta do is come up with a way to convince Mags to take us to Easter Island when we get back to our own time."

"Yeah right? How do fools expect to do that?" Sabertooth growled leaning against the second statue. "Ask him to just dump you off and leave you here?"

"Na, Mags would never consider doing something that," Pyro waved.

"You're right," Sabertooth drawled. "If he did he would have done it **months** ago!"

THUMP! THUMP! THUMP!

"What was that?" Mastermind yelped.

"I do not know," Piotr blinked at the strange noise. "It almost sounds like a pair of giant footsteps."

"Hey look," Remy pointed down one side of the hill. A procession of people passed by below while escorting three massive statues. The statues were positioned upright and each had a lone figure trailing closely behind it. "Looks like the locals are transporting more statues to another part of the island."

"But how are they moving them?" Piotr frowned at the sight. "I do not see any ropes and they are not touching the statues. How do they move?"

THUMP! THUMP! THUMP!

"Apparently they move themselves," Mastermind blinked as the statues seemed to walk by on their own.

"No they don't," Pyro said pointing at the crowd. "See those three blokes trailing behind the statues? Every time they wave their arms about, the statues move. Those three are mutants!"

"_Parbleu_, he's right," Remy stood stunned at the revelation. "They must be telekinetic or geokinetic or something."

"Wow, the Firebug being right about something. What are the odds?" Sabertooth quipped.

"Their powers must be fairly weak or low-level," Mastermind commented as Pyro stuck his tongue out at Sabertooth. "Each person can only move a single statue, and even then only a foot or so at a time. That explains why they keep dropping them and causing the giant footstep sounds."

"Yeah, imagine being 'only' able to move a ten-ton slab of solid rock around," Remy drawled sarcastically. "What a really 'weak' power."

"But how did they develop powers in the first place?" Piotr asked. "I thought mutants only started to appear in recent times."

"It's called genetic drift, Russian," Sabertooth snorted. "Small, isolated populations experience higher rates of genetic selection and thus can result in a faster change in gene frequencies."

The Acolytes stared at Sabertooth. "What? I actually do pay attention when Magneto lectures us about mutation, genetics and evolution," Sabertooth snapped at them.

"O-kay," Remy decided not to press the issue. "So that explains how the locals could have developed their powers."

"Yeah, and similar mutants could have appeared in other ancient places too!" Pyro chirped. "Just think of it. Mutants could have used their powers to create Stonehenge, the Grand Canyon, the Egyptian pyramids..."

"Oh come on Pyro," Mastermind scoffed. "What are the odds of an ancient mutant using their powers to build an Egyptian pyramid?"

"About the same as this overgrown lawn ornament being stuffed with feathers and mounted on a swivel," Sabertooth mocked giving the statue he was leaning against a shove. Unfortunately, he shoved it a little too hard and the statue began to fall off the platform. "Oops."

"Watch it!" Piotr quickly armored up and tried to steady it, but was too late. The statue miraculously fell over without shattering and began to gradually roll down the hill.

"Uh oh," Remy watched as the statue picked up speed while heading directly for the crowd. "Hey, look out! Runaway statue coming through!"

"Aaahhhhhh!" Most of the crowd noticed the incoming statue and managed to get out of the way in time. The three figures concentrating on moving the procession's statues were not so fortunate.

CRUNCH! CRUNCH! CRUNCH!

"Oh dear," Piotr gulped as the runaway statue rolled over the three figures. "I think I am going to be sick."

"Eh, it might not be too bad," Pyro waved optimistically. "Those blokes may be hurt and in agonizing pain right now, but they're sure to turn out to be just fine after all."

SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT!

"Or not," Pyro blinked as the three statues the figures were moving felt back and flattened them, being no longer under their control.

"Well so much for any more mutants appearing on Easter Island," Mastermind sighed as the crowd gathered around the fallen. "Now we know why the locals stopped carving and erecting giant statues around here."

"And knowing is good blackmail material when someone wants to avoid being charged with accidental manslaughter," Remy gave Sabertooth a look.

"Says the guy responsible for blowing up the U.S.S. Maine," Sabertooth snapped at him. "Besides, it was an accident alright? That thing was obviously sloppily constructed and had poor base support."

"Sure it was," Remy rolled his eyes. "It's not like a couple hundred statues just like it will remain standing here for at least the next **five hundred years**!"

"How would **you** like to stay here for the next five hundred years?" Sabertooth growled showing his claws. "I can fix it so that you go out the same way those guys did!"

"Let us all go and get out of here," Piotr pleaded trying to avoid a fight. "Before we end up having **another** angry mob chasing after us."

"Good idea," Mastermind agreed. "I personally don't want to find out if the locals ever developed the practices of cannibalism or head hunting."

"They may if they manage to get their hands on us," Remy quipped and began heading in an opposite direction from the crowd. "Let's go."

"Awww, do we have to?" Pyro whined. "I still want to pick up a souvenir or two from this place."

"I think we might have created a few too many souvenirs around here," Piotr groaned.

"I don't know why humans are so worried about mutants replacing them as the dominant species on the planet," Mastermind sighed as the Acolytes waited to use the machine. "We're much more likely to end up wiping each other out first!"**  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Historical note: The <em>moai<em> of ****Easter Island**** are believed to have been created between 1250 A.D. and 1500 A.D. The _moai_ average about 13 feet in height and nearly 14 tons in weight each. While legends tell of various people using unknown powers to 'command the statues to walk', the exact method used to transport the _moai_ has never "officially" been determined.**


	13. The Big One

**The Big One**

"Gahhh!" Remy yelped as he felt himself appear in a cramped metal space smothered in complete darkness. "_Aïe yé yaille_, it's cold!"

"It's not cold! It's **freezing**!" Pyro cried somewhere close by.

"At least you have gloves," Mastermind's whimpers seemed to come from slightly above him. "I c-c-can barely b-b-breathe."

"Maybe we should risk making a fire," Piotr was heard armoring up as protection from the cold. "A small fire, for warmth."

"I wouldn't do that," Sabertooth's voice was surprisingly nervous.

"W-w-why not?" Pyro was heard gasping. "Sounds g-g-good to me!"

"Anybody got a flashlight?" Sabertooth sounded almost panicked. "A **real** flashlight, not a fireball or charged card."

"Just a s-s-second," Remy felt his fingers grow stiff as he fumbled inside his trench coat. He pulled out a small red flashlight and managed to turn it on.

"Ohhh," Pyro miserably lay nearby with his visor almost completely frosted over. The Acolytes appeared to be crammed inside a small metal compartment. "W-w-where are we?"

"I-I-I'll check," Remy reluctantly opened his trench coat and stole a peek at the machine. A screen glowed back at him showing:

**February 5, 1958 A.D.****  
>Tybee <strong>**Island****, ****Georgia**

"Georgia?!" Remy sputtered in confusion. "We're f-f-freezing to death in Georgia?!"

"We're not in Georgia. We're someplace **above **Georgia," Sabertooth corrected. "Inside a bomber's bomb bay from the look of it."

"What?" Mastermind began to feel very drowsy. "H-h-how do you know that?"

"From the three-foot thick, eleven-foot long nuclear bomb you're lying on for one thing," Sabertooth grunted.

"WHAT?!" Mastermind yelped as Remy highlighted the enormous cylinder-shaped bomb resting below him. Mastermind was squashed between it and the top of the bomb bay. "HOLY #&*$%!"

"T-t-that's one way to p-p-put it," Remy was beyond stunned at the sight.

"Mk 15 by the look of it," Sabertooth tried to keep his voice steady as he carefully studied the bomb. He was positioned at the front of the bomb bay, Piotr at the rear, while Remy and Pyro lay on either side. "7,600 pounds. Yield of 1.6 to 3.9 megatons. American, not Russian."

"How do you know?" Piotr asked.

"I know about every type of bomb made in the last century," Sabertooth growled impatiently. "I had to, in my line of work."

"Okay," Piotr blinked.

"Who cares about the b-b-bomb?" Pyro missed feeling his feet go numb. "W-w-why isn't there any b-b-bloody heat in here?"

"Cause we're in flight, stupid," Sabertooth snapped. "Probably around thirty five thousand feet. The air temp is around forty degrees **below** **zero**! The air is thinner too. Only has about one-fourth the oxygen compared to sea level. We're lucky this bay still has ground air left in it and is almost airtight. If it wasn't none of us would be able to breathe at **all**!"

"O-o-oh j-j-joy," Mastermind wheezed.

"You certainly know a lot about all this," Piotr looked at Sabertooth in surprise. "I am impressed."

"I've been a pilot. Of course I know about this," Sabertooth snapped. "What surprises me is that you fools don't! Oh wait. On second thought, I'm not surprised at all!"

"But what are we going to do?" Piotr frowned as Remy, Pyro and Mastermind shivered uncontrollably. "The others will not last long in this cold."

"Only thing we can do," Sabertooth grunted. "Wait until we can use the machine and hope we don't run out of oxygen."

"Y-y-yeah," Remy's teeth chattered faster than a pair of castanets. "And that we don't all f-f-freeze to death first!"

SKKKRRRUUUNNNCCCHHHHHH!

"WHAT WAS THAT?!" Mastermind shrieked as the entire bay lurched and bucked about wildly. "WHAT WAS THAT?!"

"I do not know!" Piotr shouted.

"I think I heard parts of the fuselage ripping apart!" Sabertooth roared as the Acolytes banged themselves against the bay. "Sounds like we've been hit!"

"By what?" Remy yelled.

"How the heck should I know?" Sabertooth shouted. "I don't know **everything**!"

"We're gonna die! W-w-we're gonna die!" Pyro cried.

"We are not going to die!" Piotr tried not to sound as worried as he felt. "At least not today!"

"Says the big metal guy who's p-p-practically indestructible!" Pyro wailed in terror.

"I c-c-can't feel my legs," Mastermind whimpered.

"Be lucky!" Remy snapped as they continued to be smacked against the hard surfaces of the bay. "I w-w-wish I c-c-couldn't feel mine!"

"We're going down!" Sabertooth felt the aircraft drastically shift direction.

"Oh dear," Piotr gulped at the sudden change in descent. "I think am I going to be sick!"

"Me too!" Pyro gurgled.

"We're going to die! We're all going to die!" Mastermind's tears froze instantly as they were wept. "PYRO WAS RIGHT!"

"Farewell _chérie_," Remy closed his eyes as he felt his body shutting down from the lack of heat and oxygen. "Remember me as I will remember you..."

"Wait, we're leveling off!" Sabertooth shouted as he felt the aircraft shift again. "And I think we're slowing down!"

"That is good," Piotr said with a look of hope in his eyes. "That means we are going to land."

"Maybe," Sabertooth frowned. "If we're hit bad the crew might try an emergency landing. And if they do that then that means they're gonna..."

WHURRRRRRRRR!

"Aaahhhhhhhhh!" Piotr nearly fell out of the aircraft as the long bomb bay doors opened up beneath him. He barely managed to snag a nearly frozen Pyro with one hand and grab a rim of the bomb with the other.

"Gahhh!" Sabertooth performed a similar maneuver with Remy. A barely conscious Mastermind remained perched precariously on the rear end of the bomb.

"This is not good," Piotr gulped staring at the dimly lit ground far, far below them.

"This is **really** not good!" Pyro whimpered as the aircraft's landing gear was extended. "Hey, the air is warmer now!"

"We must be under ten thousand feet!" Sabertooth shouted over the roar of wind rushing through the open bay. "The good news is that the air is breathable with a temp of somewhere around freezing!"

"The** good** news?!" Piotr yelped. "What is the **bad** news?"

"Think about it you idiot!" Sabertooth roared at him. "The only reason for the crew to open the bomb bay doors is to..."

KA-CHUNK!

WEEEEEEEEE-OOOOOOOOOOOO!

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The Acolytes screamed as the bomb was released and they all began speedily plummeting to Earth. Their limbs were nearly torn from their sockets as the winds whipped the mutants away from the aircraft at 230 miles an hour. Fortunately, none of the Acolytes were positioned in such a way that their necks broke upon exit.

"YAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Remy screamed as they rapidly approached terminal velocity. "WE'RE GONNA DIE! WE'RE GONNA DIE!"

"WILL YOU SHUT UP AND STOP SHOUTING IN MY EAR?!" Sabertooth yelled.

"IF I DO WILL IT SAVE US FROM DYING?" Remy screeched.

"NO!" Sabertooth roared. "IT JUST ANNOYS THE HECK OUT OF ME!"

"Wait! We are over the water!" Piotr shouted managing to align himself. "We may be okay!"

"YOU IDIOT!" Sabertooth snapped. "LANDING IN WATER ISN'T GOING TO HELP! AT THE SPEED WE'RE GOING HITTING WATER WILL BE THE SAME AS HITTING CONCRETE! WE'LL BE SMASHED TO BITS!"

"THAT'S IF THE BOMB DOESN'T KILL US FIRST!" Pyro shrieked.

"THE MACHINE! USE THE MACHINE!" Mastermind managed to get out.

"RIGHT!" Remy gulped as the waters of the Atlantic Ocean rapidly grew nearer and nearer. He fumbled to reach into his trench coat with his numb and frozen fingers.

"HURRY UP! HURRY UP!" Pyro wailed.

"I'M HURRYING!" Remy reached in and just barely managed to activate the machine. The machine quickly whisked them all away along with the bomb just as they were about to make impact...

* * *

><p>...only to deposit them at an altitude of ten thousand feet over a circular island in the middle of another body of water.<p>

"**AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!**" The Acolytes screamed as they fell.

"OH CRUD! NOT AGAIN!" Sabertooth howled.

"QUICK! USE THE MACHINE AGAIN!" Piotr shouted.

"I CAN'T! IT HAS TO COOL DOWN FIRST!" Remy yelled.

"WE'RE THE ONES WHO ARE GOING **DOWN**!" Pyro cried.

"I think Mastermind has passed out!" Piotr noticed his limp form.

"LUCKY STIFF!" Sabertooth cursed.

"YAAAHHHHHH!" Remy screamed at the rapidly approaching island and waters below. "HELP! SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING!"

"WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO?!" Sabertooth roared at him. "PULL A PARACHUTE OUT OF MY EAR?!"

"THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WE CAN DO!" Remy yelled. "MAKE A BALLOON! A GLIDER! A ROCKET! A PAIR OF WINGS! **ANYTHING!**"

"A rocket?!" Pyro blinked. "THAT'S IT!"

"What is it?" Piotr asked.

"EVERYBODY HANG ON!" Pyro readied his pack. "I'M GONNA MAKE SOME FIRE ROCKETS AND USE THEM TO SLOW US DOWN!"

"ARE YOU **CRAZY**?!" Sabertooth snapped. "WHAT AM I SAYING?!"

"WHO CARES? WE'RE DEAD ANYWAY!" Remy shrieked. "DO IT!"

"LET GO OF THE BOMB!" Piotr grabbed an unconscious Mastermind as the Acolytes latched on to each other before kicking away from the bomb. "OKAY, NOW!"

"HANG ON!" Pyro let loose his pack.

BRRROOOAAAOOOWWWWWWWWW!

"AAAHHHHHHHHH!" The Acolytes screamed as a torrent of flame erupted beneath them. Pyro forced his recently heat-and-oxygen-deprived brain to concentrate on directing the flames.

"THIS IS IT! WE'RE DONE FOR!" Remy shouted as the Acolytes drifted away from the island while partially-formed rockets flared out from under and to the sides of them.

"No, wait! It is working! We are slowing down!" Piotr shouted.

"Aaaggghhhhhh!" Pyro strained as the formed giant fire rockets pushed back on him slowing their descent. "Too much! I can't keep this up!"

"No! Do not quit!" Piotr urged him. "Just a little longer!"

"IT'S NO USE! WE'RE GOING TOO FAST!" Sabertooth roared.

"WE'RE GONNA HIT THE WATER!" Pyro yelled.

"BRACE YOURSELVES!" Piotr warned.

"AAAHHHHHH! ROGUEY!" Remy screamed.

**PA-LOOOOOOSSSHHH!**

The water boiled as the Acolytes sank beneath the surface while the waves extinguished what remained of the fire rockets. Bubbles rose and dissipated as the waters eventually returned to normal.

"Gahhh!" Remy sputtered as his head broke above the surface. He coughed up water for several moments before straining to look around. "I don't believe it! I'm alive!"

"Could've fooled me," Sabertooth spat appearing next to him. "You felt more like a sack of dead weight the way I hauled you up to the surface."

"You what?" Remy blinked at Sabertooth in wonder. "You...you saved my life!"

"I saved the **machine**!" Sabertooth corrected spitting out some water. "If you drowned you would have taken the machine with you and then I would have been trapped in whatever forsaken time period we managed to end up in!"

"Of course," Remy wheezed as he began to slowly regain feeling in his extremities. "Wait, what about the others?"

"We are here!" Piotr awkwardly swam up to them while keeping afloat both Pyro and Mastermind. He had reverted back to his non-armored form. "Are you two alright?"

"Considering I have been frozen, suffered hypoxia, fallen out of the sky twice and nearly drowned all in the last half hour I feel great," Remy sighed in relief at the sight of his alive teammates. "How about you?"

"I am okay," Piotr reported. "Mastermind ending up swallowing a lot of water when we hit and Pyro was trying to swim down when I found him."

"It was all so confusing," Pyro blinked looking very strained from his ordeal. "I couldn't tell which way was up."

"That didn't stop you from throwing up water all over me when we surfaced," Mastermind gasped weakly, having regained consciousness.

"Just returning the favor," Pyro coughed.

"What about the machine? Is it still intact?" Piotr asked.

"I think so," Remy glanced down and felt along the machine using his least-numbed hand. "That mutant inventor must have made it iceproof and fireproof as well as waterproof."

"And shockproof," Piotr reminded. "Thank goodness! Where does it say we are?"

"Just a second," Remy tried to make out a screen through the water. It showed:

**July 21, 1628 B.C.****  
><strong>**Thera****, ****Greece**

"Thera?" Remy blinked while shivering. "Anybody ever heard of it?"

"Maybe," Mastermind tried to overcome his drowsiness. "I think it's an ancient island or volcano or something."

"Volcano?" Piotr blinked. "You mean the island we were falling toward?"

"Yeah, I think I saw it right before we hit," Sabertooth peered at the horizon. "The Firebug's side rockets must have pushed us at least six miles away."

"That is a lot of swimming," Piotr gulped. "Do you think the island's volcano will erupt?"

"How should I know? I'm not a volcano expert," Mastermind snapped.

"No worries, mate," Pyro sagged as Piotr tried to keep him and Mastermind afloat. "Odds are nothing will set that big boomer off while we're here."

"Unless that bomb landed in it," Sabertooth muttered. "Then the bomb and the volcano could go and set each other off."

"I doubt it," Remy tried to keep from nodding off. "If the bomb had landed inside the volcano I think we would have noticed some evidence of it by now."

**FA-WHOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!**

Everything turned white as the distant volcanic island was literally blown apart. Fire, smoke and ash flew into the air along with a gigantic mushroom-shaped cloud. Lightning split the air as the shockwave sped out, knocking birds out of the sky and tossing the Acolytes around like toothpicks.

"You mean like that?" Sabertooth spat and gritted his teeth as blood flowed out from his ruptured eardrums.

"Uhhh?" Remy floundered about dazedly having been knocked completely silly. Pyro and Mastermind were in a similar state.

"Uh oh," Piotr gulped as a towering wall of water began to emanate from the remains of the island. A wall that appeared to be at least six stories high. "I would really like to be back at the base right about now."

"You aren't the only one," Sabertooth groaned at the sight. "AAARRRGGGHHH! I'M NOT GETTING PAID ENOUGH FOR THIS!"

* * *

><p><strong>Historical notes: The device known as the Tybee Bomb was a thermonuclear weapon commonly referred to as a hydrogen bomb. It was lost during a practice exercise when a B-47 bomber collided in midair with an F-86 fighter. The bomb was jettisoned over Wassaw Sound to prevent from detonating during an emergency landing. While many search and rescue efforts have been conducted over the years, the Tybee Bomb has never "officially" been located or recovered.<strong>

**The eruption of Thera was one of the largest volcanic events in recorded Earth history. It had a Volcanic Explosive Index of 7 (on a 0 to 8 scale) and ejected an estimated 24 cubic miles (100 km^3) of ash, rock and tephra into the atmosphere. The eruption devastated the Minoan civilization on ****Crete****, caused global temperatures to drop for years, inhibited world flora growth and may have helped contribute to the downfall of the Xia dynasty in ****China****.**


	14. Guess Who's Dying at Dinner

**Guess Who's Dying at Dinner**

"Ahhh!" Piotr yelped as everything seemed to disappear around him. He stumbled and nearly fell over a prone Mastermind. "Ohhh, is it over?"

"What do you think, stupid?" Sabertooth hissed as his eardrums finished healing. "Of course it's over!"

"Thank goodness," Piotr sighed, relieved. "I think."

"This is it. I knew hanging around those idiots would be the death of me," Mastermind moaned while staring off into space. "Surprised it finally took this long. I've finally died and gone to Heaven." He blinked several times before slowly turning his head. "Oh no! Pyro's here! This must be the other place!"

"So this is what death is like," Remy coughed while lying on his side. "It's a lot dirtier than I expected. Smellier too. I wanna file a complaint with the management."

"You aren't dead, you idiots," Sabertooth snapped looming over them. "But you will be if you don't quit whining!"

"Ooo, what happened?" Pyro twitched while sprawled out on his belly. "Are we still near the volcano?"

"No," Sabertooth grunted at him. "I managed to grab the Cajun and fire up the machine before the tsunami hit and turned us all into jelly."

"Oh bugger," Pyro moaned banging his head on the floor. "Why did ya have to do that? The volcano would have given us lots and lots of heat!"

"Actually, there is heat here," Piotr indicated a roaring fire inside a large stone fireplace. The Acolytes had appeared in a lavishly decorated Renaissance-style dining room. "I will help you over to it. How do you feel?"

"Like going to the hospital," Remy gasped as Piotr carefully picked him and Pyro up. "I don't suppose there're any hot drinks around here?"

"I wish," Sabertooth grumbled lifting Mastermind up and moving to join their teammates.

"So where are we this time?" Piotr asked setting Remy and Pyro in front of the fireplace.

"I'll check," Remy glanced at one of the machine's screens. It showed:

**February 11, 1498 A.D.****  
><strong>**Rome****, ****Italy**

"Rome again, eh?" Sabertooth dropped Mastermind and looked over Remy's shoulder. "Well, at least it's in better shape that the last time we left it."

"Actually, for once I wouldn't mind if it was in the **same** shape as the last time we left it," Mastermind shivered and scooted closer to the fire. "I'm freezing!"

"I don't think any of us caught hypothermia or frostbite," Remy coughed rubbing his numb hands together. "We should be able to stay here and warm up until we're ready to try the machine again."

"Hold on. Somebody's coming," Sabertooth tilted his head. "Sounds like at least ten of 'em."

"On second thought," Remy groaned.

"Oh dear," Piotr glanced at Mastermind. "Can you use your powers to hide us?"

"Are you kidding?" Mastermind gasped. "I'm so tired I couldn't hide a pimple much less all of us!"

"What do we do? There's no place to hide," Pyro glanced fugitively around the dining room.

"Wait, what about those?" Piotr pointed to a pair of large floor-to-ceiling tapestries hanging on either side of the fireplace. He moved toward one and easily pulled it back from the wall. "Quick, behind here!"

"Right," Pyro sighed as he and Remy crawled over and joined Piotr. Sabertooth grabbed Mastermind and hid behind the other tapestry.

"Do you really think this is going to work?" Remy grumbled as he and Pyro lay on the floor. "We're making this thing bulge out more than a pregnant _femme's _belly."

"Shhh," Piotr stood above them and smoothed out the tapestry's appearance just as the doors to the dining room flew open.

"Looks like a pretty fancy shindig," Pyro peeked out from under the bottom edge of the tapestry. Ten well-dressed men entered the room and took seats around the long dining table. An old stout man wearing white robes sat at one end while a young richly dressed man sat at the other. The rest of the men appeared to be dressed as cardinals. "Think they'll leave any leftovers?"

"I hope so," Remy felt his stomach rumble. "I haven't had anything to eat since Missouri."

"_Grazie per averci invitato, Vostra Santità_," One of the cardinals said while addressing the stout man. "_É un piacere e un onore cenare con Vostra Santità._"

"_Il piacere è mio,_" The stout man smiled. "_Non vedo l'ora di trarre profitto dai vostro servizi._"

"Pssst, what are those blokes saying?" Pyro whispered.

"How should I know?" Remy replied softly. "They're all speaking Italian or Latin or whatever. Mastermind probably understands what they're saying."

"Too bad we can't ask him about it now," Pyro commented. "Hey, maybe we should try using the earpieces again."

"Na. They're probably all still dead," Remy replied.

"Actually, mine is working," Piotr whispered having retrieved his from his uniform and activated it. "It might have been powered off long enough for it to recharge."

"That's great," Pyro took his earpiece out and put it in his ear. "How do you turn these things on again?"

Remy lightly whapped Pyro on the side of the head. "Better?"

"Oooh, thanks mate," Pyro blinked dazedly.

"Don't mention it, _homme_," Remy muttered activating his earpiece.

"I must say Lord Cesare, the paintings you have on display here are unique," One of the cardinals remarked while studying a particular piece.

"Of course they are. What else would you expect when you dine with the Pope?" The richly dressed man smiled and indicated the stout man.

"Thank you my son," Pope Alexander VI nodded at him. "Many various artists have donated works as gifts in hopes of winning my patronage. Just the other day I received a series of sketches from an eccentric artificer in Milan who wishes my attention. What was his name again? Da Vanni? De Valdi?"

"Da Vinci," Cesare supplied. "I do not believe we will trouble ourselves by commissioning such an obscure figure. His work will never be very notable."

"Unlike Your Holiness," A cardinal said nodding at Alexander. "You are known throughout Europe and beyond. I believe I will remember this night for the rest of my life."

"And so you should," Alexander nodded at him. "None of you will be forgotten by pledging your support to the House of Borgia. I am sure your efforts will be very enriching and..."

"Hello everybody!" A young, petite girl entered the room while looking very excited. She wore a pink dress, jeweled necklace and wore her hair down with a light coif. She appeared to be in her mid to late teens. "Prepare yourselves for a meal you will never forget!"

"Lucrezia?!" Cesare gasped at his sister's unexpected appearance. "What are you doing here? I thought you were at San Sisto!"

"Oh I was, but when I heard you were hosting a dinner party I came right back!" Lucrezia beamed happily. "I love parties!"

"But how did you get here so fast?" Alexander was as stunned as Cesare.

"Oh I drove a carriage," Lucrezia waved absently.

"You mean you took a carriage," Cesare blinked.

"No, I mean I drove a carriage," Lucrezia said. "The original driver didn't seem to mind. He jumped out after less than a block while screaming something about going faster than the speed of the old Roman god Mercury."

"Oh no, not again!" Alexander groaned. "Where is the carriage now?"

"Well the remains of it are wrapped around a column in the old market square," Lucrezia coughed. "I might have had a tiny accident when I came in. I had no idea carriage wheels could smoke like that."

"Oh dear," Alexander moaned holding his head.

"Hey, is it just me, or does that shelia look kinda familiar?" Pyro peeked out from beneath the tapestry.

"Yeah," Remy studied her. "She looks just like that petite _femme_ X-Man except with blonde hair instead of brown."

"You mean the one with blue eyes, light skin, sleeps with a stuffed dragon and can pass through things?" Piotr asked.

"Yeah, that one," Remy confirmed. "Wait a second. How do **you** know she sleeps with a stuffed dragon?"

"Well...um...I...uh..." Piotr stuttered.

"Anyway, I bought a ton of stuff at the market and have been busy cooking the rest of the day," Lucrezia went on. "And now I'm all ready to serve it for you!"

"WHAT?" Cesare paled as Lucrezia began waving servants into the room bearing dishes. "**You** cooked tonight's meal?"

"I thought I told you not to do that anymore!" Alexander sputtered. "You should not be anywhere near the kitchen!"

"Oh don't worry. I don't consider it beneath my stature to help prepare food," Lucrezia smiled. "Besides, I enjoy doing it!"

"That is not exactly what I meant," Alexander groaned.

"Oh my," One of the cardinals blinked at a platter full of nicely decorated seafood. "That looks delicious! I will have some of that."

"Wait, shouldn't we pray and say Grace first?" Another cardinal asked.

"You'd better," Cesare muttered looking uncomfortable. "Trust me on this."

"Okay." A brief prayer was held and the servants quickly served the food. "My, this dish certainly smells unique," A cardinal remarked at the seafood before eating it. "What is it?'

"Oh, it's boiled catfish bladders stuffed with garlic, mustard greens, sour cherries and cottage cheese," Lucrezia beamed. "Isn't it good?"

"Glup!" The cardinal groaned looking sick.

"Oh my, what is **this**?" Another cardinal gagged while sampling a different dish.

"That's stewed geese heads in vinegar topped with peas, onions and raisins," Lucrezia informed him. "Do you like it?"

"Ugggh!" The cardinal twitched and moaned while beginning to turn green.

"Good!" Lucrezia held up another platter. "Who wants freshly cooked liver?"

"I will," A brave cardinal missed the frantic waves Cesare motioned at him. "Hmmm, interesting taste. What kind of liver is it?"

"Snake's liver," Lucrezia smiled. "All fried in my special snake sauce!"

"WHAT?!" The cardinal blanched.

"Do I even want to know what was **in** the snake sauce to make it special?" Alexander gave his daughter a look.

"Oh not much. I just threw together some leftover parts of the snakes that I couldn't identify and mashed them all up," Lucrezia shrugged. "That's gotta make it special, right?"

"Of course," Alexander groaned.

"Ohhh," The poor cardinal's stomach gurgled unhappily.

"Now who wants more liver?" Lucrezia looked around expectantly.

"Uh, no thank you," Several cardinals shook their heads vehemently. "How about something lighter, like a salad?"

"Well why didn't you say so?" Lucrezia indicated a large bowl. "Here you go!"

"Thank goodness," The cardinals sighed and eagerly dove into the salad.

"I must say, this white rice is quite good," Another cardinal commented while munching. "Was it imported from Sicily, Pisa or Milan?"

"Oh, that's not rice," Lucrezia corrected. "That's steamed octopus eggs."

"Accckkk!" The cardinal choked.

"Uh, my lady?" One of the salad-eating cardinals had turned a very unhealthy color. "What is in this salad?"

"Just the usual things," Lucrezia waved. "Eggplant, artichoke hearts, pickled pig's knuckles, crisped eel skin and toadstools."

"TOADSTOOLS?!" The cardinals yelped.

"Hey, you're not eating anything," Lucrezia noticed her father and brother had not touched a bite. "Here, have some salad!"

"No! No thanks!" Cesare frantically waved her off. "I'm...uh...on a diet!"

"Me too!" Alexander patted his amble stomach. "I'm trying to change my image!"

"Oh, okay," Lucrezia shrugged. "More for everyone else."

"Thank goodness," Cesare muttered. "Wait, did you remember **not** to add eggplant leaves to the salad?"

"Uh, no," Lucrezia gave him a look. "Why do you ask?"

"Accck!"

THUD!

"No reason," Cesare glanced as one of cardinals fell out of his chair while stiff as a board.

"Oh dear, not again," Alexander groaned. "Please tell me he's just sick or slipped into a coma or something."

"Nope, he's dead," Cesare sighed.

"Great," Alexander sighed. "Well, he's only one out of eight. That's a new record."

"Glaaah!"

THUD!

"I spoke too soon," Alexander moaned.

"Oh my!" Lucrezia gasped at the second cardinal to hit the floor. "How horrible! He must be allergic to catfish or something!"

"Or something, yes," Cesare groaned.

THUD!

THUD!

CRASH!

"What was that?" Cesare yelped.

"Your Holiness!" A servant burst into the room. "Your chamberlain Pedro Calderon and Lady Lucrezia's maid Pantasilea are dead!"

"Dead?" Alexander blinked. "How?"

"We're not sure, Your Holiness," The servant said. "They both collapsed suddenly after sampling a small bowl of the Lady's salad!"

"Of course," Cesare groaned.

"Urrrk!"

THUD!

"And they aren't the only ones," Alexander glanced at the latest departed cardinal. "Think we should send for an apothecarist?"

"Why? It's never helped before," Cesare said.

"Good point," Alexander sighed.

"Hluuup!" The rest of the surviving cardinals at the table choked while turning very unhealthy colors. They managed to stagger out of their seats before desperately fleeing from the room.

"Wait! Come back!" Lucrezia called chasing after them. "You still have to try some of my desserts!"

"AAAGGGHHHHHH!" Screams of terror followed her announcement.

"She's never going to learn, is she?" Cesare gave his father a look.

"No she is not," Alexander sighed.

"Glukkk!"

THUD!

"Okay, let's get out there while some of them can still accept the Last Rites," Alexander sighed getting up. "How do you plan to get rid of the food?"

"Same way we get rid of the bodies," Cesare told him. "Dump them all in the Tiber."

"Good plan," Alexander nodded as they left the room followed by the remaining servants.

The Acolytes waited a few minutes before cautiously coming out. "Well, that was almost somewhat entertaining," Remy commented crouching near the fireplace.

"I always do like to see dinner and a show," Pyro quipped. "Can we leave now? All this talk of food is making me hungry."

"Speak for yourself," Mastermind groaned. "Hearing what all that girl prepared certainly killed off whatever appetite I had."

"That is not all it killed off," Piotr sighed.

"The machine's still in cool down mode," Remy said glancing at a screen. "It'll probably be ready in the next few minutes. Hopefully before anyone else dies of food poisoning around here."

"Accck!"

THUD!

"On the other hand," Remy quipped as yet another cardinal bit the dust. "Man, that petite _femme_ is one really bad cook!"

"Wonder if she has that in common with that brown-haired X-Man shelia she looks like," Pyro suggested.

"I doubt it," Mastermind snorted dismissively. "Who could ever possibly turn out to be a worse cook than **that**?"

* * *

><p><strong>Historical note: Lucrezia Borgia was an Italian noblewoman and a member of the House of Borgia, a prominent family during the 15th and 16th centuries A.D. The Borgias were suspected of many crimes including theft, simony, bribery and murder. While Lucrezia has often been accused of poisoning others at dinner parties, no evidence of such rumors has ever "officially" been confirmed.<strong>

**Eggplants are a species in the nightshade family whose leaves can be highly toxic.**


	15. Down at the Diner

**Down at the Diner**

"You know, I think I am finally getting used to the machine," Mastermind blinked as the Acolytes arrived in the next time period. "It doesn't make me feel nearly as dizzy anymore."

"Probably because your mind has been scrambled so much it can't tell the difference," Sabertooth snorted. "Not surprising considering what all we've been through."

"Good point," Mastermind groaned.

"Ahhh, feel that nice, warm sunny sun!" Pyro smiled spreading his arms wide. The Acolytes had appeared in a small dusty lot behind a cluster of small buildings. "A little more of this and I'll finally recover from freezing to death in that plane before being dumped and drowned in the ocean."

"You may be right," Remy stretched making his spine give out a loud snap. "I think I can finally feel my feet again."

"I'm feeling a little too much with my feet," Sabertooth grumbled making squishy noises with his boots. "Arrrgggh, I hate having wet socks!"

"Me too," Piotr sighed. "Maybe we will have a chance to buy some new ones here. Where are we now?"

"Just a second," Remy waited for the machine to clear up. He then turned to show his teammates a screen which said:

**September 9, 1913 A.D.****  
><strong>**Baltimore****, ****Maryland**

"Huh, well this isn't too bad," Mastermind grumbled reading the screen. "For once we ended up in a peaceful, civilized place during a relatively modern era."

"That's one way to put it," Remy quipped watching a distant Model T go by. "Though it depends on your definition of 'modern', 'peaceful' and 'civilized'."

"Perhaps we should turn off our earpieces while we are here," Piotr suggested. "So that they have time to recharge and to prevent them from running out of power again.

"Good idea," Remy nodded tapping his. "We can turn these things off, right?"

"Who cares?" Sabertooth growled irritably. "Let's just find a place to hang out and finish drying off our clothes."

"Yeah, and get something to eat too," Pyro added. "I'm starving!"

"How about over there?" Piotr asked pointing behind them.

"Huh?" Remy turned and saw a long, narrow wooden building with a barrel roof, sliding doors and panels made of porcelain enamel. The name 'Eddie's Lunch Car' was painted on the side in a bright, flowing style. "Wow. Looks like it's some kind of old fashioned diner."

"Looks more like a brand new diner to me," Pyro blinked at the siding. "Ooo, shiny!"

Just then the back door of the diner opened and a short-haired, middle-aged man came out carrying a bucket. He emptied the bucket into a large trash can before noticing the Acolytes. "Hey, what are you boys doing back here?"

"Oh, nothing," Remy whistled casually. "Just thinking about slipping in and grabbing a bite to eat."

"Well, you're free to come in the front door and sit down," The man eyed the five mutants warily. "You boys have money, right?"

"Uh, not exactly," Piotr admitted. "We are just passing through."

"Ah, a bunch of hobo's, eh?" The man studied them. "Well sorry, I ain't hiring. But I am a little short-handed today. Any of you boys know how to grill?"

"Do we know how to **grill**?" Pyro grinned at him with a twinkle in his eyes. "Mate, you're looking at experts!"

"Well," The man who was apparently Eddie the lunch car's owner considered them. "Tell you what. If you boys are willing to put in a couple hours work I can give you all a decent meal."

"I got a better idea," Sabertooth growled revealing his fangs. "Why don't we just skip the work and **take** the meal!"

"Huh?" Eddie gulped as Sabertooth's approach. "Wait, what are you...aaahhhhhh!" Eddie yelped as Sabertooth lifted him up. "Help! Somebody help!"

"Oh we'll **help** alright," Remy smirked grabbing Eddie's apron and quickly tying him up with it. He gagged him with a towel stuck in the apron before Sabertooth dumped him in a nearby empty pickle barrel. "Help ourselves to an all-you-can-eat meal on the house!"

"Yay!" Pyro cheered skipping into the diner. "Let's get cooking!"

"Oh dear," Piotr groaned at his teammate's actions. "Was that really necessary?"

"What did you expect us to do?"" Mastermind gave him a look. "Work as a pack of non-paid wage slaves at some obscure greasy spoon?"

"Well, yes," Piotr fidgeted. "It would have been good honest work."

"I'll be **honest** and say I like our method much better," Remy smirked as Sabertooth dragged out a bound and terrified cook before tossing him in a second pickle barrel. "Now let's **work** on firing up the grill and eating some good food!"

"If you say so," Piotr sighed giving in and following Remy into the diner.

"Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!" Pyro giggled positioning himself behind the grill. "What are you blokes standing around for? Let's get cooking!"

"Hey, what's going on?" A pair of young waiters gulped at the sight of the Acolytes quickly taking over the diner's pantry and kitchen. "Where's Eddie?"

"Eddie's taking a break today," Sabertooth loomed over them showing off his claws. "This place is under temporary new management. Ours! Got a problem with that?"

"N-n-no," The waiters whimpered nervously.

"Good," Sabertooth growled. "Now stop loafing around and get to work!"

"Yes sir!" The petrified waiters gulped and began quickly calling out orders. "Okay, we need a full house with baby juice, two zeppelins in a fog with a pair of drawers and burn one, take it through the garden and pin a rose on it."

"Huh?" Remy blinked.

"What?" Piotr frowned.

"Which zeppelin did you want burned?" Pyro asked. "'Cause we already did that once today."

"What are you idiots taking about?" Sabertooth growled dangerously.

"Sorry," One of the waiters gulped. "I meant to say one grilled cheese sandwich with bacon and tomato, a glass of milk, two sausages with mashed potatoes, two cups of coffee and a hamburger with lettuce, tomato and onions."

"Oh," Pyro nodded. "Why didn't you say so?"

"Yeah, that sounds good," Sabertooth grunted. "We'll start with that."

"Yay!" Pyro chirped.

"Huh?" The waiter blinked. "No, you don't understand. That's what the customers are ordering and..."

"What did you say?" Sabertooth glared at him.

"...and...and they'll just have to wait until you've had your fill," The poor waiter stammered nervously.

"That's better," Sabertooth nodded. "Now, what else do you offer around here?"

"Uh," The other waiter fumbled with an order pad. "How about three bloodhounds in the hay, two angels on horseback and a forty one?"

"What?" Mastermind frowned in confusion.

"That's three hot dogs with sauerkraut, two oysters rolled in bacon on toast and a lemonade," The waiter translated.

"Eh, why not?" Sabertooth grunted glancing at Pyro. "Well you heard the shrimp. Start working on those sausages!"

"You got it!" Pyro cackled as he fired up the grill. "This is going to be fun!"

"That is what I am afraid of," Piotr groaned.

"Hey, where's my food?" Some of the diner's patrons began to call out.

"Sorry!" The harried waiters tried to placate them. "We're having some, uh, unexpected kitchen issues. We'll get to you as soon as we can. Here, have some free complementary coffee while you wait!"

"Well, okay," The patrons grumbled as they settled down.

"Are we allowed to do that?" One waiter asked the other.

"You really want ask for permission?" The second waiter indicated Sabertooth.

"Uh, no," The first waiter gulped. "I'll go start another pot!"

The Acolytes eventually fixed themselves several towering plates of diner food and took over a booth to enjoy their meal. The two poor waiters did their best to deal with the remaining customers and get out the overflow of back orders.

"Well that was good," Remy sighed leaning back and patting his stomach. "I gotta admit these old diners are pretty well stocked. I think I've managed to recover enough to make the next jump."

"Speak for yourself," Mastermind burped setting down his cup. "I wouldn't mind staying here awhile and taking a long nap."

"That's not a bad idea," Remy thought. "Just as long as no one calls the cops and have them try to arrest us."

"Who cares?" Sabertooth snorted gulping down the last remains of a large steak sandwich. "We can take 'em. After dealing with all this nonstop stupidity I could use a good fight."

"Fighting is the last thing I want," Piotr sighed while playing with a straw. "Has the machine finished cooling down yet?"

"Nope," Remy glanced down at the screen. "It'll probably take a few more minutes. I hope."

"Great!" Pyro finished gobbling up a slice of lemon meringue pie and washed it all down with a glass of milk. "I'm gonna go back in the kitchen and grill some more stuff. It's really fun!"

"Sure, go ahead," Remy waved absently as Pyro skipped off. "Just be careful and don't burn the whole place down!"

"Famous last words," Sabertooth grunted.

"I am going to go help out too," Piotr declared getting up and taking off his frock coat. "We should do something for these people as payment for our meal."

"Suit yourself," Remy shrugged. "We'll let you know when it's time to go."

"Okay," Piotr set down his coat and made his way to the back. He grabbed a wet dishrag and began wiping off the marble counter.

"Hey mac," A large man with short, jet black hair sitting at the end of the counter called out to him. "Can I please have another chocolate sundae?"

"Um, okay," Piotr managed to find the right ingredients and bring him one. "Here you are."

"Thanks," The man said digging in.

Piotr noticed five empty sundae dishes and several sandwich plates sitting on the counter next to the man. He also noticed that the man, who would have probably stood around six feet two inches tall, was about the same age as he was. "Um, is everything okay?"

"Oh yeah. Sure," The man nodded at him. "I'm just enjoying having enough to eat for once. I never really feel full when I'm at school."

"School?" Piotr repeated. "You are in school?"

"Not anymore," The man declared defiantly. "I can't stand being in that place another minute. That's why I'm running away."

"What?" Piotr gasped. "But you should not do that, uh..."

"The name's George," The man said around a mouthful of sundae. "And why shouldn't I leave? Just look at me. I'm nineteen years old! I've been at that school since I was seven. That place is almost like a prison! Do you have any idea what it's like having to stay penned up inside some metal box and forced to work at something you don't like to do?"

"Well, yes," Piotr blinked.

"And don't get me started on the guys I have to live with," George continued. "Some of those loons are just plains nuts!"

"Believe me, I know the feeling," Piotr sighed.

"To be fair, the school did teach me a good trade," George went on. "I'm a great shirtmaker. But then they gone and went too far by setting limits on how often I can play baseball!"

"Baseball?" Piotr repeated.

"Yeah, baseball," George smiled at the thought. "I used to be able to play for a few hours every day! But we got this big game against these rich college guys coming up and I'm the team's star pitcher. So the school told me take it easy for a month and not to play as much so that my arm won't get sore."

"Well that does not seem too bad," Piotr suggested.

"It's **stupid**, that's what it is!" George snapped. "My arm never gets sore! Those guys don't know what they're talking about! Nobody tells me when I can and can't play baseball!"

"Okay," Piotr blinked at the outburst.

"That's why I'm running away," George said calming down. "I don't need school anymore. I can get a job as a shirtmaker, become a tailor and eventually work my way up to be making twenty dollars a week!"

"A week?" Piotr repeated. "Wow. And I thought my life was hard."

"And in my free time I'll be able to play baseball," George went on wistfully. "I've already played for a few amateur teams around here. If I'm lucky I'll find a really good one and be able to play for a few hours every day!"

"Um, excuse me, but that seems like a very strange reason to try and do something you appear to be doing anyway at school," Piotr commented. "What is the **real** reason you are running away?"

"What? You think earning a top wage and getting enough to eat aren't reasons enough?" George glared at him. "What other reason is there?"

"Um," Piotr stared at him while thinking about the question. "Well..."

"Okay, okay," George sighed looking down. He slowly stirred his spoon inside his empty sundae dish. "The truth is...I guess I'm just a little...scared."

"A little what?" Piotr asked turning his head. "I am sorry, I could not hear you..."

"Alright, I'm really scared," George confessed looking up at him. "I love playing baseball. I'm the best pitcher, fielder, catcher and hitter at my school. All of the younger kids look up to me. I always play my best! But if I go out there and play in the big game in front of everyone and lose..."

"Then...?" Piotr gently prompted after George paused for a minute.

"Then...then I will have failed them," George admitted softly. "Not the school, but the kids and coaches who trusted and put their faith in me. They're all counting on me and I would have let them down. Plus the other team full of rich snobs would never let me hear the end of it."

"Well, that does seem pretty scary," Piotr considered the situation for a moment. "Losing can make you feel really bad. And you are probably thinking that if you do not play, then you can not fail at it."

"Yeah, something like that," George toyed with his spoon.

"But is it not better to try and fail then to never try at all?" Piotr asked. "If you never try than you never know what might have happened and you may spend the rest of your life regretting it."

"Well, yes," George blinked. "But still..."

"And if you really enjoy doing something, then it does not matter how well you do," Piotr continued. "You will have fun no matter what happens. You like playing baseball, correct?"

"Of course I do," George nodded. "I love baseball. Baseball is life!"

"And the people who support you know that," Piotr went on. "And they have seen you do some incredible things, correct?"

"You bet they have!" George confirmed.

"Then that is what they will remember," Piotr concluded. "Doing what you love is the best way to return the trust and faith others have placed in you. That and staying in school."

"I guess that makes sense," George shrugged. "Maybe I will give it another shot. And if that doesn't work and I become a laughing stock I can always run away and try my original plan."

"Uh," Piotr blinked. "That is not exactly what I meant..."

"Well, you've sure given me a lot to think about," George gazed at Piotr in appreciation. He took out some money and slapped it on the counter. "Thanks for the food and the tip."

"Um, you are welcome," Piotr hesitantly nodded back.

"Speaking of which," George smiled and flipped Piotr a quarter. "If you find yourself with some spare time next week you can come over and watch the game. Here, let me give you the address."

"Um, I am sorry, but I do not think I will be able to make it," Piotr carefully put the money in the cash register while George grabbed a pen and quickly scribbled on a nearby order pad. "I am just passing through. But thank you for the offer, Mister..."

"Ruth," George grinned adding his name to the sheet. He stood up and handed it to Piotr. "George Herman Ruth."

"Ah, okay," Piotr said smiling back. "Nice to meet you. Have a good day." George waved at him and left. "What a nice guy," Piotr commented slipping the order sheet with George's signature into his uniform. "He will probably do all right for himself."

KA-BOOM!

"Unfortunately, I can not say the same about this place," Piotr groaned as smoke began to emanate from the kitchen.

"AAAHHHHHH!" The remaining patrons screamed and quickly fled the diner.

"Hey Piotr!" Remy came up and handled him his coat. "Pyro got into the diner's soda supplies so now he's all re-energized and hyper."

"Oh dear," Piotr moaned.

"Anyway, Sabes is busy dragging him out the back before he gets too grill-happy," Remy gestured with his thumb. "And the machine's all done cooling down, so it's time to go."

"Okay," Piotr sighed slipping on his coat. He followed Remy out past the two harried waiters who were frantically trying to extinguish several small kitchen fires.

"About time you got out here," Mastermind snapped as the Acolytes assembled in the diner's back lot. Sabertooth grunted while struggling to hold onto a bouncing, giddy Pyro. "So, did you do enough work to give yourself a clear conscience?"

"Well, no," Piotr admitted. "But I did get a souvenir. One of the customers gave me his autograph."

"You got some random guy's signature, huh?" Remy smirked patting his trench coat. "I swiped a handful of old fashioned coins and banknotes from the till."

"I got a little diner hat!" Pyro chirped happily.

"Of course," Piotr groaned.

"Too bad you weren't able to get anything else in there," Remy remarked as he prepared to activate the machine. "Odds are that autograph will never turn out to have any **real** value."

* * *

><p><strong><strong>Historical note: George Herman Ruth remained in school until he was signed on to play for the Baltimore Orioles, a minor league baseball team, in February 1914 A.D. He would later join the major leagues and eventually play a total of 21 seasons for the Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees as a pitcher, outfielder and hitter under his more famous nickname: Babe Ruth.<strong>**


	16. Party Animals

**Party Animals**

"Whoa!" Pyro gasped staggering upon arrival. He turned and ran face-first into a large leafy branch. "Yeow! Get it off me!"

"Gah, what is with this place?" Mastermind wheezed gazing around. The Acolytes were standing in the middle of a bright luscious woodland. "I can barely breathe!"

"Speak for yourself," Sabertooth growled looking quite effervescent. He paused and took several deep breaths. "This is the cleanest, richest air I've ever smelled. Full of scents, textures, nutrients. Not like the dead, rotting, carbon dioxide saturated smog you're used to."

"It is very bracing," Piotr noted steadying himself. "I like it."

"I don't," Mastermind grumbled. "And I don't like being surrounded by another stupid forest. Where the heck are we?"

"Don't know. The machine is still working on it," Remy told him.

"Too bad it can't work **properly** for once," Mastermind snapped. "And take us back to our own time!"

"I dunno. I kinda like this place," Sabertooth soaked in the native ambiance with relish. "It wakens the blood. Alerts the senses. Really makes you feel alive!"

CRASH!

"That's not the only thing that's alive around here," Remy quipped as something was heard lumbering through the forest.

"What is it?" Piotr asked while attempting to peak through the foliage. "Is it people?"

"No," Sabertooth tilted his head in concentration. "Bigger."

"Is it a rhino? Hippo? Bear?" Pyro ventured.

"No," Sabertooth's eyes narrowed. "Bigger."

"It's not one of those robotic Sentinels is it?" Remy readied his cards. "The machine might have gone and dumped us someplace in the future."

"No," Sabertooth's brow knit in confusion. "It definitely has a scent. And it's definitely getting closer. But I've never smelled anything like **this** before."

"Look there. The tree tops are moving," Piotr pointed as something stripped a leafy clump of the forest bare.

"Oh geeze. Please tell me it's not some giant, overgrown dinosaur and we've ended up a hundred million years in the past," Mastermind gulped just as the final foliage parted.

"Mrrroooaaarrr!"

"No, it's a giant, overgrown woodchuck," Remy blinked as an enormous creature lumbered into view.

"Wow! Look at that!" Pyro squealed in excitement. "It's a _Megatherium_!"

"A **what**?" Mastermind gaped at the sight.

"A giant ground sloth," Pyro informed him. "A prehistoric mammal!"

"Hrooorrrmmm," The elephant-sized sloth ignored the misplaced mutants and continued to feed on the lush, abundant greenery.

"A **sloth**?" Sabertooth stared at the massive beast in disbelief. "You gotta be kidding me!"

"I had no idea such an animal ever existed," Piotr's eyes filled with wonder. "How far back in time did we go?"

"About two million years," Remy announced studying a screen. He read its contents aloud to his teammates:

**August 30, 2,089,908 B.C.  
>North Coast, <strong>**South America**

"My gosh," Piotr was stunned at the date. "I had no idea the machine could send us back so far."

"Makes you wonder what its limits are," Remy considered the machine with new respect. "Or even if it has limits."

"We can ponder the abilities of the machine later," Mastermind snapped as a row of bare branches fell to the ground. "Like when we're not at risk of being killed by a creature the size of a monster truck!"

"Oh come on," Sabertooth snorted in contempt. "It's a sloth! How dangerous can it be?" He confidently approached the _Megatherium_ and defiantly stood in front of it. "Hey you!"

"Um, that does not seem like a very good idea," Piotr noticed the beast's large, sharp front claws.

"Hrummm?" The _Megatherium_ paused its feeding and turned to glance down at Sabertooth.

"Yeah you! Get outta here you overgrown fleabag!" Sabertooth snarled and charged toward it. "Roooaaarrr!"

"HMMMRRROOOAAARRR!" The _Megatherium_ casually swiped a long, powerful arm around, catching Sabertooth in the chest.

SMACK!

"Ouch," Remy winced as the blow sent Sabertooth hurling through the air and out of sight. His body was heard breaking numerous branches along the way. "Sabes is definitely gonna feel **that** in the morning."

"I think he's feeling it right now," Mastermind gulped as the _Megatherium_ turned towards the remaining mutants. "Let's get out of here!"

"Okay," Pyro chirped as they headed in the direction Sabertooth had flown. The _Megatherium_ decided to ignore them and went back to feeding.

"Ohhh," Sabertooth groaned as the other Acolytes caught up with him. He had been thrown free of the woods and lay sprawled out on the ground on the edge of a wide open grassland. "That...hurt..."

"I'm not surprised," Remy quipped at the large hole in the middle of Sabertooth's chest made by the _Megatherium's_ claw. "How do feel about sloths now?"

"Hey look!" Pyro pointed at a small herd of large, camel-like creatures with short, elephant-style trunks grazing in the center of the field. A family of stout, hippo-like animals browsed along the far side of the plain near an adult mammoth with long straight tusks. Close to the woodlands stood half a dozen squat, car-sized beasts with armored domes and formidable-looking spiked tails.

"Oh my," Piotr stared in awe at the scene before them. "This is amazing!"

"I gotta admit, I'm impressed," Remy said grudgingly. "Those spike-tailed hut things are even more heavily armored than you."

"The funny-looking hump-less camels with weird noses are called _Macrauchenia_," Pyro narrated indicating them. "The fat hippo things are _Toxodons_ and the blokes that look like walking igloos are a type of _Glyptodont _called _Doedicurus_."

"How do **you** know all this?" Mastermind stared at Pyro in shock.

"Oh, I used to read about ancient mammals all the time when I was a tacker," Pyro beamed proudly. "And I'd play with toys of 'em whenever my fascist parents locked me in my room and I wasn't playing with dinosaurs. It's funny, nobody seems to make many ancient mammal toys compared to all the different dinosaur toys that are out there. Have ya ever noticed that?"

"I never had much of anything when I was a child," Mastermind muttered. "Let alone toy...AAAHHHHHH!" He yelped as a trio of birds burst from the tall grass and surrounded him. A trio of birds that stood over eight feet tall.

"KKKRAUUUKKKKKK!"

"What the heck?!" Remy gaped at the bird's short wings, strong legs and sharp, powerful beaks.

"AAAGGGHHHHHH! HELP ME!" Mastermind screamed as he cowered from the birds in horror. "KEEP THEM AWAY! KEEP THEM AWAY!"

"Leave him alone!" Piotr armored up and waded into the birds while trying to get between them and Mastermind.

"Get outta here!" Remy tossed some charged cards over the bird's heads where they exploded. The startled birds quickly abandoned their intended prey and fled.

"Ohhh," Mastermind lay curled up in a ball while twitching uncontrollably. Several nips had been taken out of his uniform. "The birds...the birds..."

"I think he is okay," Piotr carefully checked Mastermind. "He does not seem to have been bitten. What were those things?"

"They were a giant type of _Phorusrhacid_," Pyro quoted from memory. "A flightless, carnivorous family of avians commonly referred to as 'terror birds'."

"Lovely name," Remy drawled as Piotr helped up a very shaken Mastermind. "They certainly live up to it."

"Gahhh," Sabertooth slowly got to his feet, his healing factor having finally finished repairing his injuries. "Oh, what happened? What did I miss?"

"Well, you got slapped around by a 'how dangerous could it be' ground sloth," Remy smirked at him. "And Mastermind was nearly eaten by a squad of flightless, overgrown flamingos."

"They were obviously looking for an easy meal," Pyro added. "They must have mistaken him for a lone, skinny monkey or something."

"Not that much of a mistake," Sabertooth grunted.

"Ha ha," Mastermind shot him a dirty look.

"This seems to be a very dangerous place and time," Piotr commented while supporting Mastermind. "Are there any other creatures we should be worried about?"

"Uh, let me think just a tick," Pyro scratched his head in thought. "The only other animals we should be on the lookout for are mammoths, giant bears and..."

"RRROOOAAARRRRRR!"

"Aaahhhhhh!" Mastermind yelped as a fierce, robust figure leapt at Sabertooth and quickly tackled him to the ground. "What was that?!"

"It is a saber-toothed tiger!" Piotr recognized the distinctive long fangs sprouting from the attacker's jaw.

"Huh, a sabertooth getting jumped by a sabertooth," Remy quipped as he watched the two brawl around at lightning speed. "Talk about irony."

"Actually, there's no such thing as a saber-toothed tiger," Pyro said bookishly. "Only the hairy, drooling, smelly one is a sabertooth. The other one is a _Smilodon_."

"Whatever," Remy waved.

"GAAARRRRHHHHHH!" Sabertooth howled ferociously as he pried at his opponent's jaw and managed to break off one of the eleven-inch long canines. The _Smilodon_ hissed in fury as it shook free of Sabertooth and slinked off into the grass. "Yeah! That's right punk! Who's da king now?"

"Nice work Sabes," Remy drawled sardonically at the performance. "You sure showed him."

"And you got a souvenir," Pyro stared at the tooth.

"You bet I did!" Sabertooth grinned stowing it in his uniform. "Let the Runt try and top this!"

"Whoopee," Mastermind twirled his finger mockingly. "So you are the pack leader now. Who cares?"

"Something tells me they do," Pyro indicated behind him. "And they look like they're about to show you just how much they care."

"Huh?" Sabertooth turned to find eight, fully grown female _Smilodons_ staring at him hungrily. Some of them were purring quite suggestively. "Oh no! No! Stay back...!"

"MMMRRRAAAOOORRRRRR!"

"AAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!" Sabertooth ran for his life as the pride of eager and excited _Smilodons_ chased after him. "NO! GET THEM AWAY FROM ME!"

"And to the Victor goes the spoils," Remy quipped as Sabertooth desperately tried to escape his pursuers. "Man, this is priceless! Bet he's missing those lovely _femmes_ who tried to wash and bathe him in Egypt."

"That's not **all** he is missing," Mastermind muttered. "He is also missing what remains of his brain!"

"Ya gotta admit, it does make for a memorable sight," Pyro giggled.

"Not as much as this," Piotr sighed at the pleasant scene of ancient mammals spread among the grasslands. The giant ground sloth had emerged from the woods and was slowly making its way across the plain. "No one has ever seen a sight like this before. Ever! I really wish I had a sketchbook on which to capture it all."

"Well why didn't you say so? Your wish is my command," Remy smirked handing him a pad and pencil. "Here ya go!"

"Where did you get these?" Piotr asked in surprise.

"I 'borrowed' them from Eddie's Lunch Car and 'forgot' to put them back before we left," Remy whistled innocently.

"Of course," Piotr groaned.

"Does that mean you don't want them?" Remy asked teasingly.

"No," Piotr sighed flipping open the blank order pad. "Thank you."

"Oh no! Don't even think about it!" Mastermind sputtered as Piotr searched for a suitable drawing position. "We are not staying here just so you can sketch some stupid smelly animals! We are leaving right now!"

"Hey, lighten up Masty," Remy waved him off. "We can afford to let Piotr indulge himself for a bit. He loves drawing this kind of stuff. I think this is the first time he's managed to have fun this whole trip."

"WHEEEEEEEEE!" Pyro squealed happily zipping by riding a _Macrauchenia_. "TALLY-HO!"

"While Pyro somehow manages to have fun just about anywhere he goes," Remy blinked.

"Oh geeze," Mastermind groaned.

"Well we might as well make ourselves comfortable while we let the kids play," Remy remarked as Pyro rode the _Macrauchenia_ around in glee. "Too bad there aren't any _femmes_ to help make things more comfortable...ahhh!" Remy yelped as something large nudged him from behind. He spun around to find two female _Doedicuruses_ sniffing at his coat. "Hey, what's the big idea?"

"What's wrong Gambit?" Mastermind mocked him. "Aren't you having fun with the local _femmes_?"

"Not when they're a member of a different species!" Remy snapped as the _Doedicuruses _gently nuzzled their heads against him. "Gahhh! Go away! Leave me alone!"

"You were right," Mastermind grinned at the scene. "This is fun!"

"Yeah, yeah," Remy grumbled as the _Doedicuruses _moved off. "At least there aren't any ancient aardvarks around here...huh?" He paused and felt along his uniform. "What happened to my grapple kit and staff?" He looked and spotted the missing tools sprouting from the_ Doedicuruses' _lips. "Hey, those are mine!"

"Looks like you have just been pickpocketed," Mastermind quipped. "Now who is the master thief?"

"COME BACK HERE YOU SPIKE-TAILED SPEED BUMPS!" Remy yelled chasing after the _Doedicuruses_. "GIVE ME BACK MY STAFF! OW! THAT ARMOR'S HARD!"

"I told him we should have left when we had the chance," Mastermind smirked while watching Remy hop around after having kicked one of the _Doedicuruses_. "Ha ha ha...uh oh." He suddenly realized he was standing all alone. "Wait! Gambit..."

"KKKRAUUUKKKKKK!"

"AAAHHHHHHHHH!" Mastermind screamed as the trio of _Phorusrhacids_ raced for him once again. He quickly fled for his life as the giant birds squawked and attempted to peck at him. "YAAAUUUGGGHHH! HELP! THEY'RE GONNA EAT ME!"

"That is nice," Piotr nodded absently as he sketched while perched on a sleeping _Glyptodont_. "I will be with you in a minute."

"BACK! BACK I SAY!" Sabertooth howled as he was mauled by the mob of eager _Smilodons_. "I DON'T GO FOR THIS KIND OF STUFF! HEY WATCH THE PANTS!"

"Hahahahaha!" Pyro cackled while riding at the head of a _Macrauchenia_ stampede. "Onward, me beauties! Onward!"

"Che," A small monkey-like creature stood on the edge of the woodlands. A series of chance mutations had led it to being the first South American primate able to sustainably walk upright. The first link toward evolving into a new species...

"GAAAHHHHHH!" Mastermind ran past too blinded by fear to notice the creature.

"Che?" The mutant primate blinked before one of the pursuing _Phorusrhacids_ noticed it and swooped down with its beak.

KLAMPT!

"SQUEEEEEE!"

"SOMEBODY HELP ME!" Mastermind shrieked in terror.

"THAT'S IT YOU PEA-BRAINED PESTLES!" Remy shouted flinging a handful of charged cards at the _Doedicuruses_. "TAKE THIS!"

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

"AAARRRGGGHHH!" Remy cried in frustration as the cards only scorched the surface of the _Doedicuruses_ shells. "I HATE ARMORED ANIMALS!"

"FOR THE LOVE OF MIKE SOMEBODY GET THESE HORMONE-CRAZED THINGS OFF ME!" Sabertooth yelled as he was pinned underneath the pride of _Smilodons_. "HELP! STOP LICKING ME! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"YAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Pyro whooped as the madness reigned about him. "ANCIENT MAMMALS ROCK!"

* * *

><p>"Thank goodness <strong>that's<strong> over!" Remy grumbled as the Acolytes left prehistoric South America. "Those monster, overturned Jell-O molds got slobber all over my staff!"

"At least you didn't have to worry about being **eaten**!" Mastermind snapped indicating where one of the birds had given him a bald patch. "Just look at my hair!"

"Hair...fur...everywhere..." Sabertooth had a haunted look in his eyes and looked very traumatized from his ordeal. "Never again...never be alright again..."

"That was fun!" Pyro chirped happily. "I loved playing with those guys!"

"And I made a whole lot of sketches," Piotr smiled showing them off. "I even made some of all of you."

"You shouldn't have," Mastermind muttered at the news.

"Oh, it was no trouble," Piotr assured him.

"No, I mean you really **shouldn't** have!" Mastermind snapped. "It's bad enough living through that mess without having a record of it!"

"Oh," Piotr looked down in disappointment.

"Never mind," Mastermind sighed brushing him off. "Where did we end up this time?"

"An island," Pyro said as the Acolytes stood on a small rise overlooking a bright sandy beach. Nothing but shimmering ocean waters stretched offshore as far as the eye could see. "A deserted island by the look of it."

"Great. That's a lot of help," Mastermind rolled his eyes. "What does the machine say?"

"It's showing nothing but random numbers and symbols," Remy glanced at a screen. Another screen read 'FUEL EMPTY'. "But it does need refueling again. Just let me get dig out some soap and..." Remy suddenly trailed off.

"And what?" Piotr looked at him. "What is it?"

"The soap," Remy felt along the inside of his trench coat in horror. "The soap's gone."

"**Gone**?" Sabertooth snapped out of his trance. "What do you mean it's **gone**?"

"I mean I don't have any more," Remy paled and began frantically searching through his coat. "There's none left!"

"Are you sure?" Piotr asked worriedly.

"Of course I'm sure!" Remy rapidly patted himself down. "It's pretty hard to miss the shape of a fat bar of soap!"

"Let me get this straight," Mastermind began to twitch nervously. "We're stranded on a tiny desert island in the middle of who knows where, in the middle who knows what time, with an erratic time machine and **no fuel**?!"

"Yep," Remy's voice was filled with doom.

"It figures," Mastermind groaned. "I HATE MY LIFE!"

* * *

><p><strong>Historical note: The first primate to sustainably walk upright is believed to have appeared between 2 to 4 million B.C. in <strong>**East Africa****. While smaller, similar primates have existed in ****South America**** for millions of years, no ****New World**** primate capable of walking upright has ever "officially" been known to exist. **


	17. Acolyte Island

**Acolyte ****Island**

"HOW CAN WE BE OUT OF SOAP?!" Sabertooth howled at Remy. "YOU SAID YOU HAD STOCKED UP ON IT BACK IN TOMBSTONE!"

"I did!" Remy defended heatedly. "I've only refueled the machine twice! The rest of the soap must have blown away when we fell out of that bomb bay or got lost after we all nearly drowned in the ocean!"

"Or maybe those _Doedicuruses _ate them," Pyro suggested. "You did say they managed to steal several things from your coat."

"Well, I wouldn't say **steal**," Remy grumbled in irritation. "But yeah, maybe those stupid overturned teacups went and ate the rest of the soap."

"Or maybe you threw away the soap!" Mastermind snapped accusingly at him. "Maybe you were greedy and got rid of it all just to free up more space in your trench coat in which to store your stupid souvenirs!"

"WHAT?!" Remy yelped. "I WOULD NEVER DO THAT!"

"Sure you would!" Sabertooth snarled. "You'd get rid of your own brain if you thought you could put a piece of loot in its place!"

"Cheap talk from a guy who complains about losing his mind every other day!" Remy shot back. "I'd never be so careless as to just throw away the machine's fuel! If anything I'm the most **responsible** one around here! **I'm** the only one who has even bothered to carry around some spare soap. Why haven't any of **you**?"

"That is a good point," Piotr shifted uncomfortably.

"Well...because... " Mastermind fumbled for a defense.

"Because you're the one carrying the machine!" Sabertooth roared.

"Well then you should be carrying the fuel!" Remy snapped. "So whose fault is that?"

"You're saying this is **my** fault?!" Sabertooth bared his claws.

"If the shoe fits!" Remy readied his staff and cards.

"DIE!" Sabertooth leapt as the two of them began to fight along the rise.

"Hey, watch it!" Mastermind scrambled to the side to avoid being caught up in the melee. "If you two are going to kill each other you'd better not take the rest of us with you!"

"Yeah, we'd rather wait around here and die a slow, painful death from thirst, starvation or heat stroke," Pyro quipped.

Mastermind blinked for a second. "On the other hand..." He looked like was about to break down and cry.

"Stop this at once!" Piotr armored up and managed to stop Remy and Sabertooth from tearing into each other. "You are not helping!"

"Yeah!" Pyro said backing him up. "Look, we can stand around here all bloody day laying blame on each other, but it won't change the fact that we're stranded in the middle of nowhere without any soap!"

"I guess so," Remy sighed dropping his guard and slipping his tools away. "Fighting isn't gonna help get us outta here."

"Yeah, Pyro's right," Sabertooth grunted calming down. "I can't believe I just said that!"

"Let us think about what we can do," Piotr reverted back to his non-armored form. "First, we should find out where and when we are. What does the machine say?"

"Nothing useful. Take a look," Remy showed his teammates a screen. It displayed:

**=09}5n\(y+35, 4#%2987A*3~18  
>gzoiqu1sk d-vjf, [nknd^$sg]wlk!<strong>

"Huh?" Pyro blinked confusingly.

"That is not good," Mastermind gulped.

"Great! Just perfect!" Sabertooth threw up his hands. "The machine has finally broken down and gone completely haywire. We're all doomed!"

"It might not be too bad," Remy struggled to stay optimistic. "The machine might just be acting funny because it's so low on soap."

"Maybe we can make some soap," Piotr suggested hopefully.

"How the heck are we gonna do that?" Sabertooth waved his arm at the sparse surroundings. The island was fairly rocky and a few square hundred yards in size with no trees. "You see anything here to make soap out of? Do you even know how to make soap?"

"No," Piotr admitted hanging his head.

"I didn't think so!" Sabertooth snapped in frustration. "We're probably hundreds of miles from the nearest mainland and there aren't even any trees here to make a raft. Face it, we're doomed!"

"Doomed," Mastermind twitched with a horrified look on his face. "Stuck on a deserted island with all of you. Doomed, doomed, doomed..."

"I hate to say it, but I think Sabes is right," Remy admitted softly to Piotr. "We are doomed!"

"Don't fret, mates. It's Pyro to the rescue!" Pyro declared puffing up with pride. He confidently readied his pack. "I'll make a big signal fire and it'll flag down the next plane or ship and they'll be able to see it three times zones away and..." Pyro trailed off as he attempted to fire up his pack, but nothing came out. He blinked and tried again. And again. "Hey, what's going on?"

"Your pack is out of fuel," Remy stepped up and inspected it. "You must have used the last of it up when you made those rockets that saved us from falling into the volcano."

"So much for making a signal fire," Piotr sighed. "Or any fire period!"

"Eh, every cloud has a silver lining," Sabertooth grunted.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Pyro wailed falling to his knees. He gazed up at the heavens pleadingly. "NOT MY FIRE! ANYTHING BUT MY FIRE! FIRE IS LIFE! OH GOSH SABES WAS RIGHT! WE'RE ALL DOOMED! DOOMED! WAHHHHHHHHH!"

"You know, I was already feeling pretty bad about the current situation," Mastermind blinked as Pyro keeled over and wept. "After watching this pathetic display I now feel a heck of a lot worse!"

"Yeah, there's nothing quite as depressing as having your only hope for salvation shrivel up and die," Remy sighed. "Or whatever we had that passed for it."

"It is okay Pyro," Piotr knelt down and tried to console him. "We will find another source of fire for you to use. Don't you still have a lighter on you?"

"Hey, I do!" Pyro felt around and pulled it out. "And it still works!" He leapt to his feet in jubilation. "Yahoooooo!" He patted his lighter lovingly. "My precious! I knew you'd never let me down! Who's a good lighter? Yes you are! Yes you are!"

"Okay, this is getting creepy," Mastermind shivered as Pyro continued to croon and fawn over his lighter.

"You should have seen him when Mags caved in and replaced the base's furnace," Remy said.

"Hey Firebug! Stop kissing the lighter and make with the fire already!" Sabertooth snapped. "I can't believe I just said that! That's twice in one day! What's wrong with me?"

"Do you want the short list or the long?" Remy quipped.

"Okay, I'm ready now. Stand back mates!" Pyro grinned and prepared to use his powers. "Here I go!"

"Aha!"

"Huh?" Piotr blinked at the unfamiliar voice.

"So you did not disperse after all," A thin, weathered man appeared from around a small rocky outcropping. He had long hair, a thin beard and wore the tattered remains of what were once fancy, well-made clothes. "Well so much the better."

"Hey, there's somebody living on this island!" Pyro chirped happily. "Yay! We're saved!"

"Saved?" The man looked at him questionably. "What are you talking about you picaroon? Huh, my illusions are usually more eloquent than that."

"Illusions?" Piotr frowned. "You think we are illusions?"

"Well of course you are you behemoth," The man looked at him. "What else could you be when you appear out of nowhere and with no ship in sight in which to bring you here? Though I must confess I have never had any illusions like you before!"

"He thinks he is hallucinating us," Mastermind whispered at the betattered figure's behavior. "He must have been stranded here for a long time."

"No, ya think?" Sabertooth growled.

"Okay _Monsieur_ Crazy Man," Remy addressed the figure. "Us 'illusions' are new around here and we wanna know the lay of the land. Who are you and where the heck are we?"

"Who am I?" The man looked highly insulted. "You are figments of my imagination. Of course you know who I am! I am Captain John Taylor! Lord of this island! Hahahahaha!"

"O-kay," Piotr blinked as the man began to cackle maniacally. "And what island is this?"

"It's my island! Didn't ya hear me?" John gave him a look. "This is my island, my prison. A forgotten speck lost in the uncharted waters of the Indian Ocean."

"Great, that's a big help," Sabertooth snorted. "What's the date?"

"How should I know? What good is it to know the date when one day is always like the next?" John waved the question aside. "I am beyond such matters. Beyond such cares. Beyond such trifles..."

"Beyond help!" Sabertooth grunted gazing at his teammates. "You're gonna fit right in with this bunch."

"Hey, the machine's screen has cleared up!" Remy stared at it in amazement. "We must not have waited long enough for it to stop displaying random numbers and symbols." The Acolytes quickly crowded around to read the now coherent screen. It read:

**April 16, 1733 ****A.D.  
>Boudeuse Island<strong>**, ****Seychelles**

"Great, we're still stuck hundreds of years in the past," Mastermind moaned.

"So much for signaling a plane," Remy sighed.

"Maybe we can still signal a ship," Piotr hoped.

"Ship? No ship ever sails by here," John informed them. "I first set foot on this island in the year 1731 and have never once sighted a ship. This place is far from the accustomed routes plied by trade ships and fleet patrols. Which made it the perfect place on which to hide the treasure."

"Treasure?" Remy's ears perked up.

"Aye, treasure," John grinned at the memory. "The Buzzard was good, but I am better! HA!"

"Huh?" Pyro blinked in confusion. "What buzzard? You're not making any sense."

"And that's **him** saying that," Sabertooth jerked a thumb at Pyro.

"I course I'm making sense!" John snapped at them. "How can you possibly be confused? I created you illusions. You should know this already!"

"_Oui_, that's right. We do," Remy carefully went along with him. "But we want to hear it again because you're such a great storyteller."

"Well, in that case," John smiled eagerly. "It all started back in the year 1721. I was captain of the _Cassandra_, a prized East Indian merchantman, and was about to undertake a daring expedition with Levasseur."

"Prize?" Mastermind frowned. "Wait, you are a pirate?"

"I prefer the term 'nautical acquisition specialist'," John gave him a look.

"So do I," Remy smirked. "Minus the nautical part."

"Who is Levasseur?" Piotr asked.

"Olivier Levasseur. 'The Buzzard'. Captain of the _Victory_," John explained. "We sailed to the island of Réunion where we captured the _Nossa Senhora de Cabo_, a fully loaded Portuguese galleon packed to the gunwales with treasure!"

"What kind of treasure?" Remy rubbed his hands eagerly.

"All kinds!" John's eyes twinkled in delight. "Oh, it was glorious! Her hold was loaded with bars of gold, silver, crates of Guineas, diamonds, pearls, silks, spices, chalices and the Flaming Cross of Goa!"

"Ooo," Pyro's eyes grew wide. "Sounds hot!"

"We could not believe our good fortune," John continued in delight. "The _Nossa Senhora de Cabo _outclassed our two vessels with her 72 guns, but the foolish Portuguese had recently thrown all their cannon overboard! We didn't lose a man!"

"Wow!" Remy was visibly impressed. "That's amazing!"

"We left and divided the loot with Levasseur taking the Flaming Cross," John went on. "But later after another raid we got wind that we were being hunted by a squadron from the Royal Navy. Levasseur went into hiding with his crew while I took the _Cassandra_ and sailed for Panama."

"Panama?" Mastermind repeated. "In the Caribbean?"

"The same," John confirmed. "There the governor of Portobello granted us full pardons in exchange for the _Cassandra_ and I and my crew settled down to enjoy a life of tropical luxury!"

"Sweet," Sabertooth grinned. "But why did you come back here?"

"Because years later I got wind that the big-mouthed Buzzard had turned down an offer of amnesty which would have required him to give up his share of the treasure," John explained. "Since my crew and I had already been pardoned I reasoned we could set sail, take his loot and keep it all for ourselves! Legitimately!"

"Good idea," Remy approved.

"We acquired ourselves a ship and arrived back in Indian waters in 1730 only to discover that the Buzzard had been captured and was sentenced to hang," John continued his tale. "I was there the day he was taken up to the gallows. Before he met the noose he managed to toss his necklace and some papers into the crowd and challenged them to find his treasure," John held up a worn necklace hanging from his neck. "**I** was the one who retrieved his necklace. It contains lines of clues written in cipher which lead to the treasure! Or so the Buzzard made everyone believe."

"Huh?" Piotr blinked.

"Levasseur was a crafty rogue. The decoded clues lead to a hidden chamber which contains only a small fraction of the treasure," John revealed dramatically. "In fact the whole chamber is **fake**! It was made to look like it had already been found and plundered by other acquisition specialists!"

"Oh," Remy slumped in disappointment.

"But I was not fooled! The papers contained only the cipher itself, but the real clue is the necklace!" John declared maniacally. "Combined with the remaining clues left in the fake chamber it gives the **real** location of the treasure on this very island! And I found it!"

"You did?" Pyro's eyes grew wide.

"Yes, I did!" John crowned triumphantly. "I planned to make off with the treasure and leave behind a load of worthless cargo in its place. That way I would have the last laugh on Levasseur and anyone who found it would have thought he was mad! My crew had just finished transporting the worthless cargo onto the island and was about to load the treasure aboard ship when we were hit by a typhoon!"

"Oh dear," Piotr blinked. "Was it bad?"

"Nay, it was **horrible**!" John threw up his hands clearly caught up in his tale. "My crew and I barely managed to reseal the chamber in order to protect the treasure before the typhoon hit. It descended upon us in a torrent of thunder, wind and lightning! Huge waves swamped my ship and split her asunder, carrying her away and causing her to sink miles offshore. Every last member of my crew was blown away, drowned or perished in some way in that cursed storm. Every last man except for me."

"Wow. That's quite a story," Mastermind had to admit he was impressed. "But how have you managed to survive since then?"

"Oh, the fates may be tough, but I am tougher!" John cackled with pride. "I drink rainwater that collects in deep pools made within the rocks and eat raw crab, birds and sea turtles I catch around the island. Or just whatever washes up on shore. Nowadays I can not be too picky."

"That's nice," Remy waved impatiently. "Where's the treasure?"

"Why it's right over there!" John gestured to a low jumble of rocks. "Everything the Buzzard had looted over the years, including the Flaming Cross of Goa!"

"Yay!" Pyro cheered. "Let's go take a look!"

"Wait just a second," Sabertooth snagged Pyro before he could run off. He glared at John skeptically. "This clown could just be telling us some wild tale dredged up from the bottom of what remains of his deluded wind and sun bleached brain."

"You question me, you foul-haired illusion? I'll show you!" John huffed and indignantly led the Acolytes to a weathered collection of rocks. "The treasure lies just beyond there! Oh wait. I forgot. The entrance is sealed to protect the treasure from the elements. It takes ten men to unblock it. We can't get in."

"Wanna bet?" Sabertooth grinned and easily moved the first rock. Piotr armored up and effortlessly began helping him.

"Incredible," John gaped as the two mutants worked. "My illusions are getting stronger all the time. I must be mad!"

"No kidding," Mastermind muttered.

"There, that should do it," Piotr set the last boulder aside.

"Excellent. Follow me," John led them down a narrow passage. It appeared to be the remains of an old lava tube. "There! What do you say to that?"

"Wow!" Remy gazed in awe at the pile of riches stuffed into the chamber. Pyro provided illumination with a small fireball from his lighter. "Gentlemen, we've hit the jackpot!"

"This is extraordinary!" Mastermind marveled at the bars of gold and silver stacked in piles taller than he was. "There are entire nations that don't possess as much liquid capital as this!"

"Ooo, look at that!" Pyro drooled at a golden cross heavily encrusted with diamonds, rubies and emeralds. Light from the fireball caused it to gleam with an almost unnatural glow. "Now that's what I call art!"

"It is exquisite," Piotr was stunned at the meticulous craftsmanship.

"And it's ours! All ours!" Remy looked like he was about to break out into song.

"Big deal," Sabertooth snorted gazing around the chamber. "Fat lot of good this stuff will do us since we are still **trapped** here!"

"Oh, right," Pyro blinked. "I forgot."

"Thanks for ruining the moment," Remy's face sank in disappointment. "What's the point of having any of this when we have no way to return home?"

"You all were right," Piotr sighed. "We are doomed."

"It is amazing, isn't it?" John asked oblivious to the gloomy mood of the Acolytes. "The knowledge that it is here is the only thing that has given me the strength and will to survive all this time. At least now I will have more illusions in which to debate and marvel over it with. Alas, this is practically the entirely of what remains on my island. Just you, me, the treasure and ten thousand packages of soap."

The Acolytes starred at John for a full minute. "Soap?" Pyro finally managed to get out.

"Aye, soap," John nodded pointing toward a wall. "It lies a hundred yards or so that way in an accessible chamber I have been using as a shelter and where I collect rainwater."

"Ten **thousand** packages?" Mastermind squeaked.

"Yes," John nodded. "It is the worthless cargo I was planning to leave behind here in place of the treasure. Unfortunately, the soap is not edible, but it does make it easy to clean my hair."

"Yeah, that's great," Remy grabbed John's arm and began to quickly lead him out of the chamber. "Can't go wandering around a deserted island with bad hair. Where did you say that soap is again?"

"Why? Do you need to wash?" John asked. "I never had an illusion who needed to wash before."

"I never thought a pile of soap would turn out to be the most **valuable** treasure around here," Remy replied.

"I never thought I would be so glad to be near so much soap," Sabertooth grunted.

"And **I** never understand why these crazy situations always happen to us!" Mastermind moaned.

* * *

><p><strong>Historical notes: The capture of the <em>Nossa Senhora de Cabo <em>was the single largest prize ever taken in pirate history. Her cargo was then valued at around one million pounds sterling ($2 billion in 2010). While many searches have been conducted over the years, the location of Levasseur's share of the treasure has never "officially" been determined or discovered.**

**John Taylor was a pirate of English origin during the early 18th century A.D. While he was known to have been in ****Panama**** in 1723 A.D., what become of ****Taylor**** afterwards has never "officially" been determined.**

******Olivier "The Buzzard" Levasseur was a pirate of French origin during the early 18th century A.D. While paper copies of his cipher have been known, his necklace containing the cipher has never "officially" been recovered.******


	18. Hops Around the Town

**Hops Around the Town**

"Did you really have to do that?" Piotr asked as the Acolytes arrived in the next time period.

"Don't worry _homme_. I didn't knock that crazy stranded pirate out that hard," Remy assured him. "Besides, it was for his own good. He won't have understood why we had to erase all evidence of our being on the island by resealing the treasure chamber."

"We resealed the treasure chamber in order to protect it from the elements and any snoopy visitors who might stumble upon it until we are able to retrieve it in the future," Mastermind elaborated.

"That too," Remy didn't miss a beat. "And it helped maintain the impression that we were just a bunch of that _homme's_ scatterbrained illusions. If he had found the entrance to the treasure chamber open he would have realized we were real. This way he'll wake up and think we were all just a dream."

"I suppose so," Piotr sighed. "I am surprised he did not realize we were real during all our time with him."

"I'm surprised you didn't pocket any of the treasure as a souvenir," Mastermind gave Remy a look.

"Why bother? It was already safely cached away in its own secret chamber," Remy pointed out. "No need to take any of it. With one exception," Remy flashed Olivier Levasseur's necklace at them. "How's **this** for a souvenir?"

"Of course," Piotr groaned at the sight. "I should have known there was another reason you chose to knock that pirate out."

"Ooo, neat," Pyro chirped in appreciation. "But why did you bother to take that instead of part of the treasure?"

"Because this contains the clues that lead to the treasure," Remy smirked slipping the necklace into his uniform. "Now even if we forget the name of the island we found the treasure on we'll be able to find it again."

"Aren't the clues encoded in some kind of cipher?" Mastermind reminded him.

"Eh, we'll figure it out," Remy shrugged confidently. "How hard could it be?"

"Enough with the stupid recap already," Sabertooth growled impatiently at them. "Just find out where we are. This doesn't tell us anything," He indicated the narrow, dingy alley the Acolytes had appeared in.

"Just a second. The machine's still working through it," Remy glanced down at the machine. "Let's hope it decided to take us back home now that it's all fully fueled."

"I am glad we were able to find and take on extra fuel in case it decided not to," Piotr reassuringly felt the newly supplied bars of soap secured inside his frock coat. The rest of the Acolytes also now carried several bars of soap each.

"Okay, got it," Remy showed one of the machine's screens to them. It said:

**October 17, 1814 A.D.****  
><strong>**London****, ****Great Britain**

"That is strange," Piotr frowned at the display. "We have been to London before. Why does it say we are in Great Britain this time instead England?"

"Maybe the machine is being more attuned to the times," Mastermind suggested. "During our previous trips England was its own kingdom. In this time it is part of Great Britain along with Wales and Scotland."

"Oh," Piotr nodded. "I see."

"Aw, not again," Pyro pouted at the screen. "Why do we always have to end up in London? Why can't the machine ever take us somewhere else? London isn't the only place in Britain ya know!"

"It's lucky to be **anyplace** in Britain considering what happened the last time we were here...ahhh!" Mastermind yelped as a strange shadow passed by overhead.

"Look out!" Remy whipped out his staff and Sabertooth bared his claws as something leapt from a nearby building and landed in the alley.

"Huh?" Piotr blinked at the short, gangly figure dressed in raggy clothes crouching in front of them. The figure had pale skin, wide yellow eyes and a mop of messy brown hair. "Who are you?"

"Me? I be Spring-Heeled Jack!" The figure cackled showing a mouth of yellowish teeth. He appeared to be in his early teens. "The best buzzgloak ever to work London's streets! Hahahahaha!"

"Buzz-what?" Piotr blinked.

"He means pickpocket," Mastermind said after a moment. "I think."

"Hey, he looks just like that short froggy bloke in the Brotherhood," Pyro called out.

"Smells like him too," Sabertooth wrinkled his nose.

"And who might you low pads be?" Jack asked eyeing the Acolytes carefully. "I've never set eyes on the likes of you before."

"Just some lost day trippers passing through," Remy said casually. He glanced up at where he estimated Jack had jumped into the alley from. "For a small guy you have quite a leap."

"What?" Jack blinked looking around nervously. "I don't know what you're talking about you attic-touched clowes."

"Don't play dumb ya little shrimp," Sabertooth growled dangerously. "I saw ya jump clear over that roof with room to spare!"

"Oh please kind sirs! Don't put me down to the Runners!" Jack pleaded and threw himself at Remy. "I know I may have dipped and pinched a bit more than I should, but it was all in order to get by!"

"Okay, okay. Settle down," Remy pried Jack off him. "None of us are going to turn you in. I've done quite a bit of 'getting by' myself."

"Really?" Jack looked at him in awe. "Oh thank you, kind sir! Thank you, thank you, thank you!" He began hopping up and down in gratitude. Hopping that sent him ten feet straight into the air.

"Yeah, whatever," Mastermind grumbled watching the display. "How long have you been able to leap like that?"

"Oh, I've been hopping about for years now," Jack smiled landing on his feet. "It's only lately that I've been able to hop around like a toad with springs. That's how I got the name Spring-Heeled Jack!"

"I see," Piotr said. "Do you scare people when they see you jump like that?"

"Sometimes, but I never hop within the sights of the upper cits," Jack told him. "Only around the rookeries and even then those nokes never bother to report me. They just blame my appearance on the bottle!"

"Heaven knows **I** could use a good bottle right now," Sabertooth muttered.

"Well, the hour grows late and I best take leave of you sirs," Jack said tipping his head. "Good day to you!"

"So long, _homme..._hey, wait a second..." Remy felt the inside of his uniform. "Where's that necklace?" He looked up and spotted it in Jack's hand right before he leapt down the alley. "HEY, COME BACK HERE!"

"Hehehehehe!" Jack giggled as he quickly hopped away. "Spring-Heeled Jack strikes again!"

"YOU STINKING LITTLE TADPOLE!" Remy shouted running after him. "YOU PLAYED ME! YOU ACTUALLY PLAYED ME!"

"Ha! So much for being a so-called 'master thief'," Sabertooth chortled at Remy. "'Bout time the Cajun's ego got taken down a peg or two."

"Come on, we have to help Gambit get the necklace back," Pyro urged.

"Why should we?" Mastermind grumbled folding his arms. "He's the one who was careless enough to let it get stolen in the first place. Let him deal with it."

"Does that mean you want to give up your share of the treasure?" Pyro asked. "Without that necklace we may never find it again."

"On the other hand," Mastermind blinked. "FOLLOW THAT FROG!" He, Pyro and Sabertooth immediately ran off in pursuit.

"Oh dear. Not again," Piotr sighed as he chased after his teammates.

"Stop that little stinkwart!" Remy yelled as he struggled to keep up with Jack. The narrow, winding alleyways made it difficult to keep him in sight. "Don't let him get away!"

"Hehehehehe!" Jack laughed as he hopped down a cramped, gloomy lane.

"Outta the way!" Sabertooth roared plowing aside various loiterers and vagrants crammed between the buildings.

"Ahhh!" The unfortunate masses yelped as they were shoved hard into the poorly-made buildings.

"Sorry!" Piotr called out as he carefully brought up the rear.

"Whew, that little froggy bloke is booking," Pyro said as the Acolytes halted at a maze-like intersection. "Hey, where'd he go?"

"There he is!" Sabertooth pointed at Jack hopping onto a nearby roof.

"Oh yeah? Two can play that game!" Remy spotted several strategic building protrusions and easily scaled the alley walls. He quickly resumed the chase while tossing a handful of charged cards at his quarry. "Ha!"

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

"Ahhh! He's got barking irons!" Jack yelped as he was knocked off stride by the explosions. He hurriedly leapt back down into the alleyways in order to escape the barrage.

"There he goes!" Remy shouted pointing Jack out while continuing to run among the rooftops. "Get him!"

"Yeah!" Pyro whooped as the Acolytes once again took up the pursuit. "Tally-ho!"

"Uh oh," Jack gulped nervously. With his access to the rooftops cut off the Acolytes were gradually gaining on him. "Time to get off the streets!"

"Look! He's going into that building!" Mastermind pointed as Jack hastily hopped through a side door underneath a small sign saying 'Horse Shoe Brewery'.

"Well what are you waiting for?" Remy leapt down onto a short clothesline and from there dropped back to the ground. "After him!"

"Right!" Pyro cheered as the mutants burst into the building.

"Oh my!" Piotr gasped at the rows of kegs, casks and barrels packed within the brewery. An enormous vat standing twenty two feet high and sixty feet in diameter towered to one side. Several other massive vats were positioned next to it. "This is amazing."

"I'll say," Sabertooth took a deep breath while reveling in the scent of fermenting porter. "All this beer and not a mug in sight!"

"Beer, beer everywhere and not a drop to drink," Mastermind drawled sarcastically. "What a shame."

"Forget the beer!" Remy snapped. "Spread out and find that little frog!"

"Okay," Piotr sighed as the Acolytes fanned out. They easily avoided the few workers wandering in that part of the brewery.

"Come on, I know you're in here..." Remy glimpsed a small shadow creeping along one side of the enormous vat. He silently slipped behind it before lunging at the shadow's source. "Ha!"

"Yikes!" Jack yelped and swiftly hopped out of reach, only to run straight into Sabertooth. "Uh oh."

"Gotcha!" Sabertooth grinned taking a swipe at him. Jack barely managed to hop out of the way.

CLANG!

One of the vat's heavy reinforcing metal hoops fell to the floor having been split apart by Sabertooth's claws.

"Blood and hounds!" Jack gasped and frantically tried to hop away only to be caught by Piotr and lifted up by his collar. "Oh bugger."

"Good job, Piotr," Remy praised as he came up next to him. He fixed Jack with a stare as he retrieved Levasseur's necklace. "Nice try, _homme_. But never thieve from **this** thief!"

"He he," Jack laughed weakly as Sabertooth loomed over him baring his claws. "It was just a jolly bit of fun. No hard feelings, right sir?"

"I'll show you hard feelings," Sabertooth grinned evilly. "After I'm done it'll be hard for you to feel anything!"

CRRRUUUUUURRRKKK!

"Uh, what was that?" Mastermind blinked at the sound of something slowly creaking and buckling under pressure.

"Uh oh," Piotr noticed part of the vat previously held together by the severed hoop was now noticeably bulging out. "That can not be good."

FA-WHOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSHHH!

The enormous vat suddenly burst, shattering its remaining metal hoops and unleashing an unstoppable tidal wave of beer.

"Ahhhhhhhhh!" Everyone in the brewery screamed and immediately ran in an attempt to escape the onrushing torrent.

"Gahhhhhh!" Mastermind yelped as the Acolytes quickly climbed a stack of barrels onto an upper platform before the barrels themselves were swept away. The powerful cascade of beer caused other massive vats to burst apart releasing their fermenting contents as well. "What do we do? All the doors are blocked! We can't get out!"

"There!" Pyro pointed at one of the high brewery windows.

"Right!" Remy swiftly tossed a charged card at it.

BOOM!

"Nice job," Mastermind said as the glass shattered into the street. "Now let's get out of here!"

"Good idea!" Jack managed to wiggle free of Piotr's grasp and quickly hopped onto the windowsill. "Farewell ya coves!"

"WHAT?!" Sabertooth howled as Jack hopped out of sight. "WHY YOU LITTLE...!"

"Forget him! We got we wanted!" Remy slipped the necklace back into his trench coat. "Let's get out of here!"

"Grrr, fine!" Sabertooth growled as the Acolytes worked their way within arms reach of the window. They managed to help each other out and onto the roof just as the back wall of the brewery collapsed.

FLOOOOOOOOOMMM!

"Oh dear," Piotr blinked as the entire surrounding neighborhood was swamped. A tidal wave of beer roared down the narrow streets and alleys, flooding the overcrowded buildings and turning the once dry lanes into a spate. "We are starting to make a bad habit of wrecking London every time we come here."

"Yeah, first a fire, now a flood," Remy quipped as more of the city was swept away in the deluge. "What's next, an earthquake?"

"Who cares? At least it smells a lot better now," Sabertooth snorted in contempt. "All the reeking garbage lying around has been carried away by the beer and..." He trailed off in realization. "FREE BEER!"

"Hey, watch it!" Pyro yelped as Sabertooth rushed by and leapt into the flood. "What the heck is he doing?"

"He's doing what anybody would do in this situation," Remy watched as Sabertooth waded into the streets and began eagerly lapping up the beer. "Anybody with no brain cells and a complete case of alcoholism."

"FREE BEER! FREE BEER!" Dozens of the city's residents who had managed to avoid the initial brunt of the flood hurried into the streets and began happily scooping up the beer in pots, buckets and saucepans. Some of them chose to just drink the beer directly. "YIPPPEEEEEE!"

"I rest my case," Remy quipped.

"Well, for once a city has been hit by a disaster that wasn't **completely** our fault," Mastermind sighed as more people came to binge themselves on the sea of spilt porter. "What do think happened to that Spring-Heeled Jack guy?"

"He either drowned in the flood or disappeared back into the slums," Remy shrugged indifferently. "Either way, we'll probably never hear about him again."

"Hey Sabes! Stop chugging that stuff like a barra in a bar," Pyro shouted while watching him. "You can't drink it all."

"I CAN TRY!" Sabertooth roared determinedly.

"Well, looks like we're stuck here until Sabes sates himself on his beer binge," Remy tried to find a seat on what remained of the brewery's roof. "Or until he bursts like one of those overgrown vats and ends up spilling **more** beer back onto the streets."

"At least nothing really valuable or important was wasted," Piotr sighed gazing at the beer-submerged streets. "Maybe these people will see this as a sign not to produce and consume so much alcohol anymore."

"And maybe we will get lucky and will stop being associated with **stupid** **insanity** anymore," Mastermind drawled sarcastically. "It's just as likely to happen!"

* * *

><p><strong>Historical note: Spring-Heeled Jack is a famous figure in British folklore. The first alleged sighting of him was reported in 1837 A.D. He was described as a man having a "frightful" appearance and the ability to make "extraordinary leaps" of 9 feet or more. While many theories have been proposed over the years, the exact nature and identity of Spring-Heeled Jack has never "officially" been determined. <strong>

****The ****London**** Beer Flood occurred when an enormous beer vat burst at the Horse Shoe Brewery on ****Tottenham Court**** Road. The eruption caused other large vats to burst, eventually releasing more than 388,000 gallons of beer (1.47 million liters). While the disaster was ruled to be an "Act of God" with no one judged responsible, what caused the initial beer vat to burst has never "officially" been determined.** **


	19. Norse Sense

**Norse Sense**

"What a nice place," Piotr commented as the Acolytes appeared at the bottom of a gently sloping hill. "Clear skies, green lands, wide open spaces. It reminds me of home."

"Home," Mastermind grumbled while straightening out his clothes. "I think I may actually remember that place. Remind me again why I ever decided to leave it?"

"Because Mags gave you a choice," Remy told him. "Either join up with us or he'd drop a seventy-two ton safe on you."

"That's right," Mastermind sighed. "I should have chosen the safe!"

"Aw, come on Masty. It's not so bad," Pyro chirped holding out his hand. "See? We brought back a couple of old fashioned wooden spigots with us as souvenirs."

"That's not **all** we brought back," Remy jerked a thumb over his shoulder.

"Oooooo," Sabertooth moaned while sporting a very bloated belly. The torn remains of his shirt had been ripped open ever further while his leather belt now hung loosely over one shoulder. "I'm gonna die...I'm gonna **dieee**..."

"You are not gonna die," Remy watched as Sabertooth staggered around while clutching his bulging stomach. "You may fall over and burst like a ripe, overgrown watermelon showering us with little, tiny Sabes bits, but you're not gonna die."

"Thank you Gambit for putting **that** image in my head," Mastermind groaned. "Ahhh, I can't get it out!"

"Ohhh," Sabertooth looked like he was about to explode. "Can't breathe..."

"Serves you right you greedy, guzzling, glutton you," Pyro wagged a finger at him. "I told you not to try and drink all that beer."

"But it was sooo **good**," Sabertooth managed a smile. "What a way to go! Death by beer! I bet that'll get me into the history books!"

"Yeah, you and the other two million people who die from alcohol poisoning every year," Mastermind grumbled. "Where does the stupid machine say we are this time?"

"Take a look," Remy turned the machine so the others could read it. It said:

**September 24, 1066 A.D.  
>Stamford Bridge, England<strong>

"Huh, still in England," Pyro commented at the display. "Well, at least we finally ended up somewhere besides London."

"Whoopee," Mastermind drawled sarcastically. "Where is the bridge?"

"I think it is over there," Piotr pointed at the banks of a small river a few hundred yards away. "We might be able to see it better if we get higher."

"Good idea," Remy nodded and began heading up the hill. "Plus it will give us a chance to see what else is around here."

GULB!

Sabertooth's stomach gave a very ominous growl. "Oh crud! The beer's coming back out!"

"Yuck!" Pyro quickly backed away.

"Look out! He's gonna blow!" Remy shouted.

"Ahhhhhh!" The Acolytes frantically ran up the hill to get out of the splash zone.

"Is it over?" Pyro asked as they were about to crest the hill.

"You want to turn back and look?" Mastermind snapped.

"AAAUUUGGGHHH!"

"Uh, no," Pyro reached the top and suddenly came to a halt. "Hooley dooley!"

"What the...ooof!" Piotr yelped as he, Remy and Mastermind slammed into Pyro from behind. The force was enough to cause them all to loose their balance and send the four mutants tumbling down the slope. "Ahhh!"

"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!" Mastermind cried as they rolled down the hill.

"Sorry!" Piotr shouted as they fell.

The Acolytes reached the bottom of the hill and came to a stop in an unceremonious heap. "Ooo," Pyro moaned as they lay sprawled on top of each other. "What a ride. Everything is all spinny. I think my brain got flipped over and turned inside out! Can we do that again?"

"NO!" The others shouted at him.

"Get your foot outta my face!" Remy irritably pushed Mastermind aside.

"How about you get your elbow out of my ear!" Mastermind snapped. "Gah, what the heck made that flame-brained lunatic freeze like that?"

"Um, I think I may have a slight idea," Piotr gulped gazing upward.

"Huh?" Mastermind looked up and saw a dozen tall, tough-looking men standing around them dressed like Vikings. Most of them had long hair, short beards and brandished a collection of knives, helmets, swords, spears, axes, javelins and shields. "Uh oh."

"Oh boy," Remy blinked trying to get his dizziness under control. "This doesn't look good."

"_Hvað höfum við hér?_" One large, powerful looking Viking pointed warily with his spear. "_Finnst þér að þeir eru Saxa?_"

"_Þeir líta ekki eins Saxan stríðsmaður eða njósnara_," Another Viking with a ragged scar running down the side of his face replied while studying the mutants. "_Kannski þeir eru bændur_."

"Pssst, what are those blokes saying?" Pyro nudged Mastermind.

"How should I know? Do I look like I speak Old Norse?" Mastermind hissed back.

"We should probably turn the translators back on," Piotr suggested.

"Good idea," Remy nodded as the Acolytes carefully did so.

"They must be Saxon spies," The first Viking was heard addressing his fellows. "Let's kill them now and throw their broken bones into the river!"

"No, we should bring them to King Harald," Another large Norseman said hefting a shield. "And watch **him** kill them and throw their broken bones into the river!"

"Uh oh," Piotr gulped as the Acolytes cautiously got to their feet. "What should we do?"

"Tell them to back off!" Remy whipped out his staff as several Vikings attempted to move in and restrain them. "Get ready to take these _hommes_ out. If they think they're about to put us down, are they ever gonna be in for a surprise!"

"Uh, Gambit," Mastermind tried to get his attention. "Fighting back might not be the best thing for us to do right now."

"Yeah," Pyro agreed nervously. "While mutants are far better fighters than plain old, unevolved humans, even we might be doing too much by taking on a camp of several thousand Vikings!"

"Huh?" Remy gazed around and saw that the Acolytes had indeed fallen into the outskirts of a large, heavily armed Viking camp. Six thousand Vikings swaggered among a vast assemblage of tents, fires, kit bundles and flying banners bearing a totemic black raven. "Ah, you may have a point."

"I hope not," Mastermind gulped as more Vikings crowded around them bearing their sharp, pointy weapons. "I don't want to have any points! Especially none inside me!"

"Maybe we could just surrender," Piotr ventured. "We could stall for time until we can use the machine again."

"Can't you just create an illusion and make it look like we all disappeared?" Remy asked Mastermind.

"If there were only a few hundred people around I **might** be able to maintain it," Mastermind told him. "Projecting the same illusion to a few **thousand** people at the same time, no way!"

"Wait! Perhaps they are from York," The scarred Viking suggested. His well-made leather boots and decorated sword hilt indicated he was some sort of leader. "They agreed to send us hostages after we slaughtered their army on the fields outside of their 'precious' city."

"What kind of hostages could these be?" A wolfish-looking Viking snorted waving his sword at the Acolytes. "They don't look like the sons of rich merchants or minor lords. They must be spies! Let's kill them!"

"Oh bugger," Pyro gulped as the Vikings prepared to rush them. "This is gonna be messy!"

"ROOOAAARRRRRRRRR!"

"What the?" Mastermind blinked as Sabertooth appeared at the top of the hill wearing his belt while appearing fit and menacing once again.

"Look out! It is a berserker!" The Vikings recoiled as Sabertooth bounded down the hill to stand next to his teammates.

"Rrraaarrrrrr!" Sabertooth flashed his claws and whirled around at the assembled Vikings with a wild look in his eyes. "Well? What's the matter, punks? Do you wanna fight or what?"

"See? The strangers must be hostages!" The scarred Viking shouted while gesturing at Sabertooth. "King Harald ordered a berserker to be their escort. He is so wild he can not be understood!"

"What are you ranting about, bub?" Sabertooth growled at the Viking dangerously. "You want a piece of **me**?"

"He's saying you don't speak Old Norse," Mastermind said while feeling somewhat stunned. "If you turn your translator on you will be able to understand him."

"Right," Sabertooth did so. "Well, what have you got to say now?"

"Prepare to receive the hostages. Tell King Harald of their arrival," The scarred Viking ordered to several others. "And bring food and drink to calm their berserker escort."

"Alright!" Sabertooth grinned standing down. "Now you're talking!"

"What?" Remy stared at him in shock. "You just finished drinking half a river's worth of beer. Now you wanna go and drink even **more**?"

"You bet," Sabertooth smiled eagerly. "I love having a healing factor!"

"Of course," Piotr groaned.

"What happened to all the beer that used to be in your tummy?" Pyro asked. "How did you get rid of it?"

"You really want to know?" Sabertooth gave him a look.

"No!" Mastermind said quickly. "And neither does anyone else!"

"Suit yourself," Sabertooth shrugged. "Now quit your yapping and let me get a drink!"

"Eh, why not?" Remy sighed. "It's better than being killed and having our broken bones thrown in the river."

"Yeah! Let's party! Wohooo!" Pyro cheered.

"Oh no you don't!" Mastermind snapped. "We are leaving here as soon as the machine is ready. We are not, repeat **not** going to stay and have a party!"

* * *

><p>Thirty minutes later...<p>

"YAHOOOOOO!" Pyro whooped happily as he danced around a large roaring campfire. Night had fallen and the Vikings had become one fluid mass of loud, boisterous conviviality. "Get down! Work it mates! Yeah!"

"Ah-hah-hah-hah-hah!" Several Vikings laughed uproariously at Pyro's antics. Many had tears streaming down their cheeks.

"Alright!" Sabertooth cheered knocking back drinks with another group of Vikings. He gleefully finished off a small keg before smashing it over a helmeted Viking's head. "Now these are my kind of people!"

"Step right up _hommes_ and roll some bones!" Remy was a one-man casino as he oversaw half a dozen games of chance while acting as the house. Vikings crowded around playing dice, making bets and getting in the occasional fist fight. "Who wants to win big and roll some bones?"

"Aggghhh! Put me down!" Mastermind yelped as several Vikings took turns tossing him into the air and catching him with their bare hands. "Help! I'm going to be sick! Gahhhhhh!"

"Oh dear," Piotr sighed as he nibbled on a leg of roasted mutton while watching the assembled Vikings cheer on his teammates. "And I thought the people at Botany Bay were wild!"

"Yeah! Yeah!" Pyro cheered as the Vikings threw an entire oak tree onto the fire. "Let it burn! Let it burn! Wohooo!"

"Ow! Hey, where are you taking me?" Mastermind yelped as a pair of Vikings grabbed him and began to eagerly carry him away. "Put me down! Somebody get me away from these maniacs and fire up the machine!"

"Can't. It's still in cooldown mode," Remy waved absently while collecting his latest pile of winnings. "Hey, nice hammer-shaped pendant!"

"Alright! Great grub!" Sabertooth dunked some seared ribs into his ale before proceeding to eat the whole thing, wooden tankard and all. "Mmm, that's good!"

"These are the craziest hostages we have ever taken, wouldn't you say King Harald?" The scarred Viking addressed an imposing, finely-dressed Norseman who was even bigger than Sabertooth.

"_We're Vikings! Whaddya know! The terrors of the sea!_" Pyro sang while skipping in front of a very appreciative audience. "_We're Vikings! Wherever we go! Pillaging happily!_"

"I do not understand a word these hostages are saying!" The finely-dressed King Harald Hardrada guffawed while slapping the back of another Viking. "But I like them!"

"SOMEBODY HELP ME!" Mastermind screamed as he stood pinned against the side of an upturned wooden cart. Half a dozen weapons lay embedded in the cart surrounding him. "I DON'T WANT TO BE IN ANY MORE AXE THROWING CONTESTS! AAAHHHHHH!"

"Wahooo!" Pyro cackled while teaching several Vikings how to do the limbo. "How low can you go? How low can you go?"

"Oh yeah!" Remy raked in another large pot and added it to the growing pile of Viking loot next to him. "Come to papa!"

"No, please stop!" Piotr tried to back out as several Vikings attempted to lead him towards the river. "I do not want to be in any drowning competitions!"

"Yahooo!" Pyro used his powers to create a handful of fireballs from a nearby blaze and sent them hurling into the air. "Party! Party! Party!"

WHOOOSSSHHHHHH!

A collection of tents caught on fire as one of the fireballs crashed into them. Vikings scattered and laughed raucously as the tents quickly burned to the ground.

"Augggh!" One of the Vikings yelped as a fireball landed too close to him. He stumbled into the group Sabertooth was drinking with and accidentally knocked over one of their kegs.

"You weak-legged oaf!" A short, barrel-chested Viking built like a fireplug roared smashing an empty mug with his face. He picked the first unfortunate Viking up and threw him into another group of Norsemen.

"Hey, watch it!" The second group of Vikings howled and threw a handful of discarded lamb bones at the first group.

"You watch it!" The first group hurled back some pieces of stale uneaten bread. Soon food of all types was flying through the air.

"FOOD FIGHT!" Sabertooth yelled tossing aside his drink before punching out one of his companions with a slab of salted fish. He then proceeded to eat the fish. "Ah, that hits the spot!"

"Hahahahaha!" Pyro cackled maniacally as he fried an outgoing barrage of mutton shanks in midair. "Roast meat for everybody!"

FOOOOOOM!

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!" Mastermind yelped as he was completely pelted with food. "Yeeeooowww, that hurts! No, not the goat's feet! OW!"

"JACKPOT!" Remy crowned.

"It is going to be a **looong** night," Piotr sighed.

* * *

><p>Several hours later...<p>

"Gahhh," Sabertooth growled as he awoke and slowly got to his feet. He groggily shook his head and peered around at the remains of a field full of still slumbering Vikings. "Huh, lucky stiffs."

Looking around Sabertooth saw that he and the small group of Vikings had ended up near the east end of the worn wooden bridge. Other Vikings had wandered over to the west side of the river before falling asleep or passing out. Sabertooth wiped at his head as he felt the heat of the sun bearing down on him. Wincing, he managed to look up at it and was surprised to find it was nearly midday. "Agggh, somebody get that stupid light outta my face. Hey, what's that?"

Sabertooth stared as what appeared to be a large, shimmering mass accompanied by a cloud of dust slowly approached from the west. Further inspection revealed it to be an army of mail-clad, heavily armed men at least several thousand strong. "Oh boy."

Sabertooth watched as the first line of advancing soldiers quickly came upon the Vikings still lying on the west bank. They immediately dispatched the prone Vikings with swift thrusts from their swords. "Hey, that's not right! Everybody get up!"

"Ugh," The Vikings on the east bank awoke just in time to see the soldiers finish off their companions on the west bank. Howling with fury the Norsemen grabbed their weapons and stormed across the bridge to avenge their fallen comrades. "URRRAAAHHHHHH!"

"Yeah! Get them!" The hairs on Sabertooth's neck stood up as he watched the small band of Vikings bravely but futilely hurl themselves upon the oncoming army. He quickly moved to join them while managing to grab a large axe along the way.

"Kill my drinking buddies will ya! You're gonna pay for that!" Sabertooth roared running onto the middle of the bridge just as the last Viking fell. He raised the axe in defiance as the mighty armored host raged toward him. "RRROOOAAARRRRRR!"

* * *

><p>Meanwhile...<p>

"Oh, what a night," Remy yawned rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. The bulk of the Viking host lay in heaps around him. "Man, these guys know how to throw one heck of a party."

"Mrmph," Pyro drooled curled up next to the smothering remains of a bonfire while still mostly asleep. "I wanna toaster with the slippers..."

"Will you idiots shut up? I'm dying here," Mastermind moaned while sprawled out in agony.

"You are not dying," Remy told him.

"You're right. I think I am going to live," Mastermind whimpered miserably. "Dang it!"

"Good morning," Piotr walked up to them while still looking somewhat worn out from last night's activities. "Nice to see you are all up. How do you feel?"

"Like I got run over by a truck," Mastermind groaned holding his head. "A truck that proceeded to back up and run over me again before deciding to use my head as a parking space."

"Well at least it would have found plenty of room," Remy grumbled as he managed to shake Pyro awake. "Has coffee been discovered or invented yet?"

"I do not think so..." Piotr looked up suddenly. "Do you hear that?"

"Hear what?" Pyro asked yawning.

"All I hear is the awful ringing in my ears," Mastermind moaned getting to his feet. "I think I have developed a permanent case of tinnitus!"

"Wait, I hear something," Remy tilted his head. "Sounds like someone's having a fight."

"A very wild fight," Piotr winced at a particularly loud scream.

"Eh, it's probably just some blokes still carrying on a kafuffle from last night," Pyro got to his feet and walked around the side of the hill. "Or they're just arguing about what to have for brekkie...hooley dooley, look at that!"

"Oh my!" Piotr gasped at the formidable army poised on the west bank of the river. "I do not think they are here to join the party."

"I'll say. Look over there!" Pyro pointed to where the opposing soldiers were attempting to cross the bridge. "Some lone Viking bloke is holding the whole bloody lot back by himself!"

"Wait a second," Remy gazed at the scene for a moment. "That's not a Viking, that's Sabes!"

"WHAT?!" Mastermind gaped in shock. "What the heck is he doing? Is he crazy? What am I saying?"

"Wow, he's doing a good job," Pyro commented as Sabertooth proceeded to wreck havoc with his axe and keep the formidable armored host at bay. "Those poor blighters don't stand a chance. Lookie! He just lopped off two of their heads and gutted another one through his mail!"

"How nice," Mastermind turned somewhat queasy.

"Man, Sabes is stacking 'em up like cordwood," Remy whistled at the growing piles of bodies as Sabertooth continued to ferociously beat back his attackers. "Want to start a pool on how many he takes down until they decide to give up?"

"Hey, what is that man doing?" Piotr peered at a small unarmored figure floating down the middle of the river. "Is he riding a barrel?"

"Yeah and he's holding a spear too," Pyro narrated. "He's about to pass under the bridge! He's right beneath Sabes! Now he's rearing back and..."

"AAAIIIEEEEEEEEE!"

"Ouch, that's gotta hurt," Remy winced at Sabertooth's injury. The soldiers quickly took advantage of the situation by stabbing him several more times before picking him up and throwing him into the river.

SPLASH!

"Ow, and I thought **I** was having a bad morning," Mastermind unconsciously crossed his legs. "I stand corrected."

"Uh, we are not going to try and fight them, are we?" Piotr asked as the mass of soldiers began to cross over the narrow bridge.

"Na, I think these Viking _hommes_ can handle it," Remy waved as the now-alerted Vikings rushed to arms and began to quickly form up in a defensive formation. "The machine is finally done cooling down. Let's get outta here."

"Aw, do we have to?" Pyro whined as the Acolytes quietly slipped away from the oncoming confrontation. "I like hanging out with these Viking blokes. They're really fun!"

"They are really **something** I will tell you that," Mastermind muttered in annoyance. "Really loud, really obnoxious, really wild and really, really **insane**!"

"Too bad we can't taken 'em with us and have them spend some time around Mags," Remy quipped as the Acolytes moved downriver for a place to retrieve Sabertooth. His motionless body could be seen floating towards them while his healing factor worked on repairing his injuries. "At least we got a hot meal and a lot of souvenirs out of this jump."

"Not to mention some sleep," Piotr sighed bracing himself. "I have a feeling we are really going to **need** it!"

* * *

><p><strong>Historical note: <strong>**The Battle of Stamford Bridge is often seen as symbolizing the end of the Viking Age. It was a prelude and had a major impact on the Battle of Hastings which was fought on October 14, 1066 A.D. While legend tells of a giant Viking warrior who single-handedly blocked the bridge against an entire Saxon army before being defeated, the exact identity of the lone Viking warrior has never "officially" been determined.**

****I do not own the song "We're Vikings".****


	20. Ya Gotta Have Heart

**Warning: The following chapter contains T-rated graphic content that surpasses the K+ rating of this story.**

* * *

><p><strong><span>Ya Gotta Have Heart<span>**

"Are we back yet?" Mastermind ventured hopefully.

"Does it **look** like we're back yet?" Remy snapped as the Acolytes stood in the middle of a lush tropical jungle.

"I don't know. My eyes are shut. I'm afraid whatever I see will make me even more depressed," Mastermind slowly opened his eyes. "I was right!"

"Oh, boo hoo," Sabertooth snapped having fully recovered from his injuries. "Get over it, ya wimp. At least you weren't repeatedly **skewered** in the last time period! Including having a spear strike you in the..."

"Okay, okay, you've made your point," Mastermind squirmed crossing his legs.

"I'd like to stick some **points** inside the ones who did this," Sabertooth grumbled indicating his tattered trench coat. "Just look at my clothes!"

"I would like to have a chance to wash my clothes," Piotr said fingering his shirt. "Mine have become very sweaty and dirty. Having to sleep in them again last night was very uncomfortable."

"Yeah, especially after everything they've been through," Pyro added. "Maybe we'll be able to find a lake or river or something and use some of the soap to wash our stuff. Or at least find a place to nick some new underwear."

"Don't even get me started on that," Mastermind groaned before gesturing at the machine. "Exactly where and when are we now?"

"See for yourself," Remy turned the screen towards his teammates. It said:

**October 31, 558 A.D.  
>Teotihuacan, Mesoamerica<strong>

"Uh, where is Mesoamerica?" Piotr blinked in confusion.

"It means 'Middle America'," Mastermind explained. "We are probably in Mexico, Guatemala, or some other Central American region."

"Oh, okay" Piotr nodded.

"So much for nabbing some new underwear," Sabertooth snorted studying the date. "America hasn't even been discovered yet!"

"Not by Europeans anyway...ow!" Mastermind yelped jumping up in shock. "Something bit me!"

"Must have been an insect," Remy waved. "Poor thing. It'll probably drop dead in a minute."

"This isn't funny!" Mastermind shrieked in panic. "**I'm** the one who might have caught something! I could get malaria! Dengue! Spotted Fever! Sleeping sickness!"

"At least you can't get morning sickness," Pyro giggled. "Ow! I got bit too!"

"And me," Piotr winced rubbing his arm. "Twice!"

"Great. There's never a can of bug spray around when you need it...ow!" Remy slapped at his neck. "Man, that hurts!"

"What a bunch of wimps," Sabertooth rolled his eyes in disgust. "Ow!"

"You were saying?" Remy gave him a look.

"Ohhh, I feel dizzy," Pyro blinked and began to sway about unsteadily.

"Oh no. I was right," Mastermind slurred right before he collapsed. "It is sleeping sickness!"

"Oooooo," Piotr struggled to stay on his feet before toppling to the ground with a crash.

"Hey, wait a second," Remy felt along the back of his neck and plucked something from his scalp. He strained to stare at it through his gazed eyes. "This isn't a bug, it's a blow dart!"

"Arrrggghhh!" Sabertooth roared as he was suddenly struck by a swarm of them. "Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!"

"Must...fight..." Remy's mind fogged over as he slowly sunk to his knees. His final sight was of a band of figures emerging from the jungle and warily approaching a still standing Sabertooth before everything went dark.

* * *

><p>Later...<p>

"Ohhh, my head," Remy groaned while slowly achieving consciousness. He tried to rub his temples and found to his shock that his hands and feet were tied. "Gahhh, what happened?"

"Great. You're awake," Remy blinked and saw a bound, bare-chested, bleary-eyed Mastermind propped up across from him. A very disoriented-looking Pyro sat tied up next to Mastermind with his pack and uniform top removed. A bound, coatless Piotr lay between them still out cold. "But you will soon wish you weren't."

"Why? What's going on?" Remy's mind was still very sluggish.

"You don't want to know," Mastermind groaned.

"Oooaaahhhhhh!" A fearsome priest-like figure suddenly appeared in front of them. He wore a multitude of brightly-colored body paint, a quilted loincloth and a large feathered headdress. He was also adorned by a collection of armlets, bracelets and necklaces made out of gold, jade, quartz, opal and silver.

"What the heck?!" Remy gawked at the sight. He then realized the time machine was gone and that he was naked from the waist up. Remy looked around and saw that the Acolytes were at the top of an enormous, massive, stepped stone pyramid in the middle of a vast vibrant city. Reliefs of jaguars, stars and snakes were carved into various statues and a small temple positioned at the pyramid's top. Far below stood a vast crowd of people while others lined the broad stairway leading up one side of the pyramid. "What **is** all this?"

"Apparently we have been captured by a sophisticated group of early Mesoamericans," Mastermind slurred at him. His dark eyes were still somewhat glassy. "They brought us here and intend to sacrifice us by laying us out on a slab and cutting out our hearts."

"WHAT?!" Remy stared in horror at a decorated stone altar standing in front of the temple. Its hard curved surface along with the floor around it was stained a deep blood red. "Are you **kidding** me?"

"Does **that** look like I'm kidding you," Mastermind snapped as another priest brought out a carved jaguar-shaped receptacle and a large flint-bladed knife.

"Oh no! We gotta get outta here!" Remy frantically tried to pick at his bonds, but found his movements were very uncoordinated. "Gah, why am I so klutzy?"

"They must have managed to drug us somehow," Mastermind informed him groggily. "Colossus is still out cold. They must have hit him extra hard because of his size. I can't even focus enough to use my powers."

"Neither can I," Pyro whimpered fearfully. He gazed at the pile of clothing the natives had removed from them and set near one of the statues. His pack and the time machine lay near it as well. "Not that it would help. There's no fire around here!"

"Those blow darts! They must have contained some kind of toxin," Remy belatedly realized. "That's what knocked us out."

"Oh, so that's what bit us," Mastermind blinked. "The darts must not have had enough toxin to kill, but enough to tranquilize us and keep us too docile to resist. Well, most of us anyway."

"GET OFFA ME YOU SAVAGES!" A heavily bound Sabertooth appeared while being dragged up the stairs by a small army of natives. Each of Sabertooth's limbs was restrained by a thick rope held by three men each while a pair of specialists took turns stabbing him with a series of toxin-tipped blow darts. "OW! AND QUIT POKING ME WITH NEEDLES! OW!"

"Oh boy," Remy gulped as Sabertooth staggered under the constant barrage of toxin introduced into his system. His continuously weakened state allowed the natives to haul him over to the altar and lay him chest-up upon it. "This really isn't good!"

"YOU'RE ALL GONNA PAY FOR THIS!" Sabertooth howled while still continuing to struggle. "I'LL TEAR YOU IDIOTS APART!"

The first priest reverently strode behind the stone altar. He raised his arms and began addressing the crowd while occasionally gesturing toward the high arc of the sun.

"Hey, what's that bloke saying?" Pyro blinked. "I can't understand him."

"The translators are probably out of power again," Remy told him. "We must have left them on all night when we were out partying with the Vikings."

"Who cares what he is saying? Get us out of here!" Mastermind snapped.

"I can't! My hands are like rubber!" Remy fumbled with his bonds. "I can't charge the ropes!"

"Oooaaahhhhhh!" The priest picked up the flint-bladed knife with one hand while tearing away the remains of Sabertooth's shirt with the other. He held the knife poised above Sabertooth's bare chest for a moment before plunging it deep into his gut.

"AAAGGGHHHHHH!" Sabertooth roared in aggravation.

The priest quickly sliced open Sabertooth's abdomen before sticking one hand through his diaphragm and deep into his ribcage. A sick, wet tearing sound could be heard as the priest slowly withdrew his hand and held up a slick, still beating heart. He raised it out to the crowd who roared and waved about wildly.

"Oh my gosh," All the color had drained from Remy's face.

"Hooley dooley!" Pyro's eyes were on the verge of bulging out of his head. He stared at Sabertooth's limp form in horror. "They killed Sabes!"

"And we're next!" Mastermind yelped as a pair of priests approached them. "Ahhhhhh!"

"NO! NO! NO!" Pyro shrieked as the priests grabbed him and began dragging him toward the altar. "HELP! I DON'T WANNA BE SACRIFICED! I LIKE MY HEART JUST THE WAY IT IS! COLOSSUS! GAMBIT! ANYBODY! SAVE ME!"

"Let him go!" Remy tried to get up only to kneel over still too weakened from the toxin. "Arrrggghhh! No! Stop!"

"Uhhhhhh," A deep, labored breath froze everyone in their tracks.

"Huh?" Remy blinked and stared at the bloodied body still draped over the altar. The priests who had begun to remove it had literally fallen back in shock. "**Sabes?!**"

"Huuuhhh," Sabertooth's chest rose slightly before expelling another breath. The gash in his abdomen had almost fully healed. "That...hurt..."

The completely stunned head priest stared at the heart in his hand before dropping it in astonishment. He hurriedly confided with his fellow priests before taking the knife and thrusting it into Sabertooth again.

"AAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!" Sabertooth screamed.

"Oh no," Mastermind blanched as the priest reached in and withdrew another heart. He gaped at it in amazement before hesitantly reaching down and picking up the first one. He studied the two raw cardiac muscles in bewilderment.

"I think Sabes' healing factor has broken that bloke's brain," Pyro managed to squeak.

"His isn't the only one," Remy blinked in shock.

"Urrrkkkkkk!" Sabertooth twitched, sending all the priests into a tizzy. The head priest quickly dropped both hearts into the jaguar-shaped receptacle before taking the knife and stabbing it again into Sabertooth's gut.

"AAARRRGGGHHHHHH!" Sabertooth managed to rear back one of his restrained arms and back-handed the priest into a statue. "WILL YOU STOP STICKING ME WITH THAT THING?!"

"AAAHHHHHH!" The remaining priests screamed as Sabertooth pulled the knife out of his stomach and contemptuously threw it aside. They continued to watch in horror as Sabertooth slowly healed before their very eyes while slicing the binding ropes to shreds with his claws. His former minders were too terrified to try and stop him.

"THAT'S IT!" Sabertooth glared at them in fury. "YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" The native minders screamed and immediately ran for their lives.

"Ohhh, what happened?" Piotr moaned fluttering open his eyes.

"Well, we were all about to be sacrificed by having our hearts cut out until the natives tried to do it to Sabes and found it didn't really work on him," Remy drawled giving him a look. "That answer your question?"

"WHAT?!" Piotr yelped sitting up.

"Colossus! You're awake!" Pyro hopped over and nearly fell on top of him. "Quick! Armor up and untie us before these blokes try to cut us up!"

"Uh, okay," Piotr did so and used his strength to free himself and his teammates from their bonds. "Ohhh, why am I so tired? Didn't we just get some sleep?"

"The natives hit us with some kind of toxic tranquilizer darts," Remy told him as he ran over to the pile of clothing and fumbled to put on his uniform shirt. The other Acolytes also hurried to get dressed. "The toxin knocked us out and also interfered with our powers."

"But it seems to be wearing off," Mastermind said throwing on his coat. "You were able to use your powers easily."

"And Sabes was able to just shrug the toxin off," Pyro added slipping on his pack. "Mostly."

"RRROOOAAARRRRRR!" Sabertooth chased the terrified priests around the altar with murder in his eyes. One priest grabbed the discarded flint knife and threw it at him in desperation.

"Look out!" Piotr shouted as the knife missed Sabertooth and flew towards Remy as he struggled to strap on the machine. Piotr swiftly moved to shield him causing the knife to harmlessly strike his shoulder and create a cascade of sparks.

WHOOOOOOSSSHHHHHH!

"What the?!" Mastermind yelped as the stone temple and altar were suddenly engulfed in flames.

"HAHAHAHAHA!" Pyro laughed happily having used his powers on the sparks. He strode to the top of the stairs and began to rain fire down on the rest of the pyramid. "TAKE THAT YOU BLOODY HEART STEALERS!"

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" The people screamed and fled as the fire quickly spread to nearby buildings.

"Oh dear," Piotr gulped as the rest of the city began to burn. "Looks like we just became responsible for setting yet **another** city on fire."

"Actually, for once this is one city I **won't** mind seeing burned to the ground," Mastermind grumbled.

"Me too," Remy agreed checking his trench coat. "There's only one person I would willing give my heart to and these people aren't her!"

"COME HERE YOU QUACKPOTS!" Sabertooth cackled evilly while dragging the terrified priests into the temple. "I'M GONNA DO TO YOU WHAT YOU DID TO ME!"

"AAAGGGHHHHHHHHH!"

"Okay, that is enough," Piotr blanched turning away. "Time to go!"

"I think Sabertooth is going to have you wait a few more minutes," Mastermind winced at the ugly sounds of disembowelment. "We were really lucky to have survived at all after encountering this place and time period."

"YEAH! YEAH! HAHAHAHAHA!" Pyro laughed maniacally as the city burned below them.

"Of course the same can't be said about this place's ability to survive after encountering **us**!" Remy quipped.

* * *

><p><strong>Historical note: <strong>**Teotihuacan was the largest city in Pre-Columbian America in the first half of the 1st millenium A.D. Its population was estimated to be 125,000 or more making it the sixth largest city in the world during this time. While the city is believed to have burned around 550 A.D., the exact cause and reason for the fire has never "officially" been determined.**

**Teotihuacan's Pyramid of the Sun is the third largest stone pyramid in the world.**


	21. Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect 200

**Do ****Not ****Pass**** Go, Do Not Collect $200**

"Ow!" Pyro yelped as he banged his head upon arriving in the next time period. "Hey, who turned out the lights?"

"There is light. There is just not very much of it," Piotr squinted looking up.

"There's not much of anything in here," Remy noted gazing around. The Acolytes were crammed inside a small stone holding cell. Light peeked in through a tiny barred window set high in one of the walls. "Where the heck did we end up? Some kind of jail?"

"Looks like it," Mastermind wrinkled his nose at the cell's rough sleeping mat and old-fashioned commode. "I knew we would all end up in here eventually. I'm just surprised it hadn't happened sooner!"

"Jail? Nooo!" Pyro wailed. "I can't stand being in jail! The pressure's too much! The walls are closing in! I can't take it anymore! Aaaggghhh!"

"Shut up ya lunatic!" Sabertooth snapped whapping Pyro on the head. "You've only been here ten seconds. How can you have broken already?"

"Especially since your brain has already been broken for **years**!" Mastermind added. "Whatever is left of it."

"Sorry," Pyro blinked rubbing his head. "I just had a little panic attack. Being in the slammer brings back a lot of bad memories."

"Oh, I am sorry to hear that," Piotr patted Pyro's shoulder sympathetically. "But do not worry. We should not be here too long."

"Yeah, good point," Pyro nodded. "This is just a little stop. We'll be outta this place soon. Hey, maybe I'll get a chance to meet Martha Stewart!"

"I'm afraid you're over a century too early for that," Remy said as the time machine finished clearing up. It read:

**March 12, 1872 A.D.****  
><strong>**Beechworth****, ****Australia**

"Hmmm, well that's not a lot of help," Mastermind said studying the screen. "Pyro, where in Australia is Beechworth?"

"I dunno," Pyro shrugged. "But the name does sound kinda familiar..."

"Whaddya mean you don't know where this place is?" Sabertooth snapped at him. "You're from Australia, aren't ya?"

"Oh, and I suppose you know about every single city and town in **your** country?" Pyro shot back.

"Quiet," Mastermind hushed while focusing his powers. "I think someone is coming. On second thought, make that more than one!"

"Uh oh," Piotr gulped. "What do we do? There is no place to hide!"

"Stay calm. Whoever it is will probably just pass by," Remy said.

"I don't think so," Pyro pointed as they heard the heavy cell door being unlocked.

"Oh dear," Piotr gulped nervously. "What do we do?"

"Get the heck outta here!" Sabertooth growled and prepared to charge the door.

"No! Just stay still and be quiet!" Mastermind hissed as his eyes began to glow.

"Prisoner Number 10926!" A harsh voice barked as the cell door opened and a sallow-faced young man trudged in with his legs in chains. He had short dark brown hair, hazel eyes and appeared to be in his mid to late teens.

"Bloody turnkeys," The man muttered as the door was shut and locked. He sighed at the seemingly empty prison cell and moved to lie down on the mat.

"Ouch!" Pyro yelped as the man unknowingly stepped on his foot.

"Huh?" The man froze at the unexpected noise. He stared at the mat in confusion before attempting to lie down on it again.

"Ow! Get off!" Pyro hissed as the man stepped on his foot again.

"What the?!" The startled man gasped and jumped back from the mat in shock.

"Aggghhh!" Mastermind cried as the man unknowingly elbowed him in the face, causing him to lose his concentration.

"Stone the crows!" The man yelped as the illusion of the empty cell disappeared to reveal the Acolytes. "What the devil...?!"

"Way to go, genius," Remy gave Mastermind a look.

"Hey, he hit me in the face!" Mastermind snapped rubbing his nose. "Am I bleeding?"

"Not enough," Sabertooth grunted.

"Um, hello," Piotr waved at the man who was clearly still in shock.

"Whaaa?" The man gaped at them.

"G'day, mate!" Pyro smiled cheerfully. "How ya goin'?"

"Who...who are you people?" The man finally managed to get out. "How did you get in here?"

"Uh...room service?" Piotr suggested.

"What he meant to say is," Remy interjected smoothly. "We're just a group of temporally...I mean **temporarily** displaced individuals. Our being here is just a little accident."

"Bloody oath it is," The man managed to get out. "I know gaols that have been packed to the brim before, but this is ridiculous!"

"So we are in jail," Remy nodded at the confirmation. "I should have known."

"Well where did you bloody well think you were? The bloody Parliament House?" The man gave him a look.

"Please do not mention blood," Mastermind groaned looking sick. "I am still trying to forget all the gory images I saw before we ended up here."

"Oh boo hoo. How terrible that must have been for you," Sabertooth mocked indicating his still blood-stained clothes. "At least it wasn't your blood that was spilt after someone sliced you open a few times!"

"You were **what**?" The man gaped at Sabertooth in shock.

"Do not ask. Do you not want to know," Piotr paled a bit as well. "Sorry to be taking up so much of your cell space, Mister...uh..."

"My name's Ned. And don't bother apologizing about being in this tip," The man grumbled taking a seat on the mat. "I'm not even supposed to be here!"

"Really?" Remy raised an eyebrow. "How so?"

"Because the charges brought against me are false!" Ned shouted heatedly.

"Sure they were," Mastermind drawled sarcastically.

"It's true!" Ned declared glaring at him. "A bloke named Isaiah Wright was staying at our home when his chestnut mare went astray so we lent him one of ours. Wright left saying that if I found the mare I could keep her. Later I did and since she was such a real beaut I decided to take her into Wangaratta to cut the flash."

"Huh?" Piotr blinked.

"He means show off," Pyro translated.

"Oh," Piotr nodded.

"I stayed in Wangaratta for a few days, even letting the publican's daughter ride the mare around town," Ned continued. "On the way home I was stopped by a fat Cons named Hall claiming I needed to sign some papers. The moment I dismounted after arriving at the station the bloody oaf grabbed me by the collar claiming the mare had been stolen!"

"Huh?" Mastermind frowned. "You mean Wright had stolen the horse?"

"Yes, but of course neither I nor Hall knew that at the time," Ned explained. "All Hall cared about was having me to blame. He even tried to shoot me!"

"What?" Piotr gasped. "That was not right! Were you hit?"

"No," Ned smirked at the memory. "Hall misfired three times. By then I had grabbed him by the collar and threw his fat gut to the ground! Then I straddled him, drove in my spurs and made him squeal like a calf!"

"Ha!" Sabertooth chuckled. "Way to stick him!"

"If only it had lasted," Ned sighed. "It took seven men to drag me off Hall and tie me up. Only once I was bound did the fat coward dare approach and pistol-whip me in the head. Five times!"

"He what?" Pyro roared in outrage. "Talk about police brutality!"

"That's not the term I would use," Remy muttered darkly.

"I was later hauled into count and charged with horse stealing," Ned recounted bitterly. "I told the judge I hadn't known the mare was stolen and that Wright was the one who had given her to me. But Wright never appeared to back me up! And Hall claimed he had read in the gazette that the mare had been stolen, but the mare had only been gazetted as stolen five days** after** he had tried to arrest me!"

"Five days?" Piotr blinked in amazement. "What a liar!"

"That's not all," Ned continued. "I was also accused of personally stealing the mare. Which would have been quite a feat considering I was in this **very gaol** the day she had been stolen! The gaol's governor even confirmed it!"

"And you still ended up here? What a travesty of justice!" Pyro declared feelingly.

"Wait a second," Remy cocked his head to the side. "Why were you in jail the first time?"

"That's not important," Ned waved the question aside. "Eventually the charge against me was changed from 'horse stealing' to 'horse receiving'. And I was sentenced to three years hard labor while that mongrel Wright received only a year and half! I swear if I even see that stinking maggot-head again..."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Sabertooth growled impatiently. "I'm tired of listening to all this junk. Let's get outta here."

"How do you expect to do that?" Ned snorted. "Break down a wall?"

"Exactly," Sabertooth grinned and gestured to Piotr. "Russian..."

"Uh, maybe we should just use the door," Piotr suggested. "You know, to prevent doing too much damage and keep a low profile."

"Yeah, because we have been so successful at keeping a low profile and **not** causing damage so far during this trip," Mastermind drawled sarcastically.

"We don't even have to worry about damaging the dumb door," Remy snorted in contempt as he moved towards it. "The hinges are on the inside."

"Well that's a stupid design," Pyro commented as Remy easily used his powers on them. "A real cell door won't have any hinges at all."

"Strike," Ned blinked at the missing hinge pins. Piotr had blocked his line of sight so that he had not seen Remy use his powers. "How did you manage to do that so fast?"

"It's all a matter of skill," Remy smirked wiggling his fingers. He gestured to the door. "Shall we?"

"Let's go!" Sabertooth grinned kicking the door down.

SKREEEEEECCCHHH!

BAM!

"Aaahhh!"

WHAM!

CRASH!

"Oh dear," Piotr gulped at the broken railing running just outside the cell. The Acolytes were on the second floor of a double-rowed prison wing. The discarded door to the cell lay below them on the first floor on top of an unconscious, unlucky prison guard. "Sorry!"

"Oy, what the devil?" Another guard was heard shouting. "Something's going on over there!"

"Uh oh, they're on to us!" Pyro yelped.

"Come on, let's go!" Remy urged dashing out of the cell. Sabertooth had already taken off. The rest of the Acolytes quickly followed them.

"Hey, wait for me!" Ned yelled running after them.

"Alert! Prison break! Prison break!" Guards were heard mobilizing while hurriedly spreading the alarm.

"So much for keeping a low profile!" Mastermind snapped as he ran.

"It's not too bad," Pyro said as they descended a staircase to the first floor. "At least we don't have to worry about anyone taking pictures or catching us on camera!"

"Which way?" Sabertooth growled stopping at an intersection. A pair of unconscious prison guards lay at his feet.

"That way!" Ned shouted having managed to catch up to them. "It's the shortest way to the yard!"

"Great!" Sabertooth roared down the hallway scattering whatever guards were foolish enough to get in his way.

"Stop them!" A group of guards appeared on an upper catwalk, some of them armed with revolvers.

"Look out!" Piotr quickly armored up and interposed himself between the guards and his teammates.

BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!

"Stone the crows!" Ned exclaimed as he was shielded from the bullets. He gaped at Piotr's armed head and torso. "I've never seen anyone wear armor like that before, much less smuggle it into gaol! What kind of armor is it?"

"Uh...well...it is...um..." Piotr fumbled for an explanation.

"It's a trade secret of his," Remy provided quickly. "Personally outfitted and homemade!"

"I'll say," Ned gazed at it in admiration. "Hmmm, maybe I should get a set of armor like that..."

"Less talk, more running!" Mastermind snapped as more guards appeared from another intersection.

"Right!" Ned nodded as the Acolytes headed down another hallway. He turned to follow them only for a section of the upper catwalk to fall and hit him on the head. "Oooh..."

"Hey, Ned's down!" Pyro stopped and prepared to go back.

"Forget him!" Remy snapped pushing Pyro forward. "He belongs in this time period! He can take care of himself!"

"We got one!" A high-ranking prison guard shouted as Ned was hauled up and unceremoniously dragged away. "You've really done it this time, Kelly! I'll see to it that you are sent away to Pentridge for this!"

"Wait a second. Did he just say...?" Pyro blinked as realization struck him. "Hooley dooley, it's him!"

"What?" Mastermind snapped absently.

"It's him! It's him!" Pyro squealed in excitement. "It's Ned Kelly!"

"Who is Ned Kelly?" Piotr asked in confusion.

"The bloke we just shared a cell with!" Pyro chirped in amazement. He stopped and quickly started heading back. "Come on! We gotta save him!"

"Forget it!" Remy snapped while gesturing for Piotr to grab Pyro. "We aren't getting involved with him!"

"No!" Pyro wailed as Piotr easily carried him away. "We can't leave yet! I didn't even manage to get his autograph!"

"Will somebody shut the stupid Firebug up?" Sabertooth roared tearing through a heavily barred door. "His bloody caterwauling is really getting on my nerves!"

"What do we do now?" Mastermind asked coming to a halt. The Acolytes had stopped inside a bare, solitary room. "I thought you knew where you were going!"

"And I thought you were intelligent!" Sabertooth snapped at him. "Clearly looks can be deceiving!"

"Guards are coming," Remy turned and readied a handful of cards. "Looks like we're gonna have to fight our way out after all!"

"Wait!" Piotr held up a hand. "Why can't Mastermind just use his powers to create an illusion and make it look like we are not here?"

The Acolytes stared at Piotr for a moment. "Oh, yeah. I guess I could do that," Mastermind blinked.

"Then do it!" Piotr shouted.

"Right," Mastermind's eyes glowed just as a group of guards appeared. They stopped to look into the room, saw it appeared to be empty and quickly moved away.

"Well, that was anticlimactic," Remy quipped putting his cards away. "Why didn't you just do that in the first place?"

"Or better yet, why did you not just use your powers to wipe that guy Ned's memory of us and put him to sleep until we could leave?" Piotr asked.

"Because I didn't think of it, okay!" Mastermind snapped irritably. "I'm hungry, I'm filthy and I haven't had any coffee yet!"

"Excuses, excuses," Remy mocked. Mastermind glared at him.

"Well, at least now we should not be bothered while we wait for the machine to finishing cooling down," Piotr sighed. "And we did not do too much damage here."

"Yeah, the prison officials will just chalk all this up as a botched escape attempt," Remy nodded. "And since none of us are listed as prisoners anyone who spotted us will just think we were a delusion."

"Except for Ned Kelly!" Pyro piped up. "He got a good look at us. Maybe he'll mention us to someone."

"Na, he got hit in the head pretty well," Remy noted. "It'll probably end up giving him amnesia or something."

"Awww," Pyro pouted. "But I want Ned Kelly to remember me."

"It probably does not matter either way," Piotr said reverted to his non-armored form. "After all, how could we possibly end up having any kind of influence on him?"

* * *

><p><strong>Historical note: <strong>Ned Kelly was an Australian bushranger, bank robber, murderer and gang leader. His legacy is controversial having been viewed as a murderous outlaw, political revolutionary and folk hero. He is most famous for wearing a homemade suit of bulletproof metal armor consisting of a helmet, chest and shoulder plates weighing a total of 97 lbs (44 kg). While many theories have been proposed over the years, the source of Kelly's inspiration for creating the armor has never "officially" been determined.<strong>**


	22. Peace and Mutants

**Warning: The following chapter contains T-rated behavioral content that surpasses the K+ rating of this story.**

* * *

><p><strong><span>Peace and Mutants<span>**

"Whoa!" Remy felt his feet slip out from under him as the machine deposited the Acolytes in the next time period. He fell back and bumped into someone which allowed him to regain his balance. "Whew, thanks _homme_."

SPLAT!

"Oops," Remy peered through the semi-darkness and saw the figure he had bumped into sprawled out in a wet patch of mud. "Sorry."

"Bleah!" Mastermind spat miserably while wiping mud from his eyes. He shot a dirty look at Remy. "Thanks a lot Gambit!"

"Hey, it could've been worse," Remy pointed out. "**I** could've ended up being the one covered in mud."

"Good idea," Mastermind glared while preparing to throw a handful at him. "Let me help you with that!"

"That is enough," Piotr stepped in and helped Mastermind to his feet. "There is no need to throw things."

"Wanna bet?" Mastermind grumbled wiping down his clothes.

"Yuck! Somebody turn off the sky!" Pyro yelped while trying to shield his head from the light rain that was falling. He peered around at a haphazard collection of tents and trailers. "Where the bloody heck did we end up, some kind of campground?"

"Not sure. The machine is still working on it," Remy said tapping at a screen.

"What is that noise?" Piotr asked as a dull roar filled the background. He looked up at the sky. "Is a storm coming?"

"Not unless it's made up of a couple thousand throats," Sabertooth growled tilting his head. He walked around one of the larger tents. "Oh crud!"

"What? What is it?" Piotr asked as the rest of the Acolytes joined him. "Oh my!"

"Wow!" Pyro blinked at the sight of a vast multitude of people packed into a large, bowl-shaped field. Hundreds of thousands of them were packed into the dip of the naturally formed amphitheater while more perched on cars and motorcycles lined around the outer rim. In the middle of it all stood a large stage situated on an elevated platform and highlighted by a collection of towers. "Looks like we ended up at some kind of concert."

"Better than ending up at a performance of some lame outdoor play," Sabertooth grunted.

"Hey, the machine has cleared up," Remy said showing his teammates a screen. It read:

**August 17, 1969 A.D.****  
><strong>**Bethel****, ****New York**

"Okay," Mastermind said slowly studying the readout. "I have absolutely no idea where this place is."

"We might be near to where the base will eventually be," Piotr said hopefully. "And this is the closest we have come to making it back to our own time."

"Yeah, by about thirty years or so," Sabertooth snorted. "Why don't we just hang around and wait until we've all caught back up?"

"Whoa, like hey man. That was like so far out!" The Acolytes turned to find a pair of long haired, bare-chested young men dressed in jeans standing behind them. One had on a large, wide-brimmed fishing hat while the other was wrapped in a rough-cut piece of plastic. "You guys are like so totally tripping!"

"Uh," Piotr blinked at the two figures in confusion.

"It was like way groovy, man," Both men appeared to be in their early twenties and had somewhat gazed looks in their eyes. "One minute there was like nothing and the next, bam! You all appeared out of nowhere! It was like all totally happening!"

"Like lightning, ya know?" The one wrapped in the piece of plastic smiled while waving his hand about vaguely. "All sudden, but at the same time like all natural and all super man. Like wow!"

"O-kay," Remy watched as the two figures laughed and seemed to forget about the Acolytes standing next to them. "I don't think we have to worry about these _hommes_ seeing us arrive here."

"Are they alright?" Piotr blinked at their unusual behavior. "They seem to be acting even stranger than Pyro."

"That's because they're both high as a kite, Russian," Sabertooth growled wrinkling his nose. "Even you should be able to smell the LSD reeking off of them."

"L-what?" Piotr frowned.

"Drugs," Remy said. "Also known as acid."

"Oh," Piotr looked somewhat uncomfortable.

"Did you say you had some acid, man?" The man in the fishing hat snapped out of his daze and turned his attention to Remy. "Can you hook us up with some? We are way past peaking and all we have left is some hashish."

"No," Mastermind snapped. "Now go away and leave us alone!"

"Hey, like chill out, man," The man in the plastic held up his hands placatingly. "You are like throwing off some real negative vibes. You gotta loosen up and find some peace, man. Now where did I put that hashish?" He began patting the pockets of his jeans.

"Whatever," Mastermind grumbled. "Please tell me the machine is all done cooling down. The sooner we get out of this mudhole the better!"

"Sorry _homme_, but it's not quite ready yet," Remy said shaking some of the rain out of his hair. "But I agree with you. There's nothing around here I find interesting..." Remy trailed off as a group of attractive young ladies walked by wearing at most a collection of wet T-shirts and skirts. Two of them smiled and winked at him. "On second thought..."

"Oh no," Mastermind noticed the look in Remy's eyes. "Don't even think about it!"

"Maybe this place won't turn out to be such a bad stop after all," Remy grinned and began heading off after the group of women. "I'll catch up with you _hommes_ later..."

"Oh no you don't!" Sabertooth growled grabbing him by the collar and yanking him back. "You're staying right here or...gaaahhhhhh!" Sabertooth choked as a small pipe was thrust into his mouth.

"Here man. Take a drag and clean out all that negative karma, ya know?" The man in the plastic smiled while shielding the pipe from the rain with his hand.

"Bleah! Get that stupid thing away from me!" Sabertooth roared shoving the man aside. "Whaddya think you're doing with that...that..." He paused while taking a deep breath. "Ooo...that's...**good**!"

"Huh?" Piotr blinked at Sabertooth in confusion.

"Hey Sabes! You okay?" Pyro waved a hand in front of his face.

"Oh yeah," Sabertooth smiled lazily and high-fived Pyro's hand. "I'm more than okay! I'm tripping!"

"O-kay," Pyro gave him a funny look.

"Oh dear. I think Sabertooth is being affected by their drugs," Piotr groaned.

"How can that be?" Mastermind frowned. "He has a healing factor."

"Oops, that wasn't hashish I put in that pipe," The man in the plastic held up an empty plastic bag. "It was catnip!"

"Oh no," Mastermind groaned.

"Not catnip!" Piotr sighed.

"Hey, it's like raining man!" Sabertooth giggled and began skipping about in the mud. "It's so totally peaceful and primal, ya know?"

"Oh yeah!" The man in the fishing hat smiled and began skipping along with him. "Now that's some good karma!"

"Huh, now here's a sight I never thought I'd see again," Pyro commented as he watched Sabertooth prance about.

"No kidding," Mastermind groaned. "Wait, what do you mean **again**?"

"Oh, there was this once little incident before you joined up with us," Pyro said. "Gambit had somehow managed to get his hands on some catnip, so we decided to go and play a prank on Mags..."

"Never mind, I don't want to know," Mastermind moaned. "Well now we have to keep an eye on both Sabertooth and Gambit to..." He paused a moment. "Where **is** Gambit?"

"Uh," Piotr looked around. "I do not know."

"Oh great! That sneaky Cajun must have run off!" Mastermind threw up his hands. "Now we have to go and find him too! He had better be careful! If he loses or damages the time machine we're all going to be stuck here...glaaahhh!"

"There, that's better man," The man in the plastic grinned holding the refilled pipe to Mastermind's lips. "Breathe in and let all those bad feelings drift away. Mmmm, that's some good hashish, am I right man?"

"Accckkk!" Mastermind wheezed while taking several deep puffs. He finally managed to shove the hashish-loaded pipe aside. "Ohhh, my head..."

"Yeah, it's some heady stuff," The man in the plastic smiled taking a drag. "Like wow!"

"Hey Masty. You okay?" Pyro asked.

"Oooooo," Mastermind's eyes were nearly going in circles. "Look at all the pretty colors..."

"Oh dear. He is gone," Piotr sighed as Mastermind fell back into the mud with a big grin on his face. "So much for having him use his powers to help find Remy. In his state we would be lucky to get him to stand on his feet."

"Did you say 'Canned Heat'?" The man in the fishing hat turned toward Piotr wastedly. "Man, I loved Canned Heat! They were intense, man! Arlo Guthrie and Joan Baez were good too. You should have been here to hear Creedance, Janis Joplin and the Grateful Dead!"

"The who?" Piotr blinked.

"Na, The Who hasn't come on yet," The man in the plastic waved absently. "But they're supposed to be starting soon. Hey, that's them now!"

"Oh dear," Piotr sighed as the sound of loud rock music began emanating from the stage. "I do not think we will be able to find Remy during all this, Pyro. We will have to wait here and hope he comes back...Pyro? Pyro!" Piotr turned and saw Pyro running away. "Hey, where are you going?"

"Sorry mate!" Pyro yelled back while running off in a hurry. "But I really have to go find a dunny!"

"A what?" Piotr blinked. "Wait! Come back! We have to stay here and keep an eye on Sabertooth and Mastermind!"

"Alright man!" Sabertooth and Mastermind began to cheer and wave along with their new friends. "Whoo hoo! Bring it! Yeah!"

"Though keeping **my** mind may be too much to ask," Piotr groaned.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, nearby...<p>

"This is intolerable," A tall, white-haired man grumbled while standing near the edge of the large crowd. He appeared to be in his mid-thirties and had on a dark raincoat over a fairly clean polo shirt and slacks. "Out of all the bizarre and ridiculous situations I have been in with you over the years, this one takes the cake! I am going to get you for dragging me into all of this, Charles!"

"Hey, like chill out man!" A young, smiling Charles Xavier stood next to him with a mane of long, dark blonde hair held back with a colorful macramé headband. He appeared to be in his late-twenties and wore a loose long-sleeved shirt, suede leather vest and flower-pattern bell bottoms. "All that bad karma you're putting out is messing with my vibe. You really need to learn how to lighten up a bit more, Erik."

"I can barely **breathe** with all the lighting up that's going on around here!" Erik Lehnsherr snapped while struggling to be heard over the music being played on stage. "There is so much burning cannabis in the air I could get high just from sniffing it! That is if this unceasing rain doesn't succeed in drowning us all first!"

"Ah, rain. So basic and elemental," Charles laughed while throwing his arms wide. "It gives you such a clean and refreshing feeling, ya know?"

"It feels like it is going to give me a permanent case of **pneumonia**!" Erik glared at him. "Why did I ever let you drag me to this stupid outdoor concert in the first place?"

"You lost a bet," Charles smiled reminding him.

"I lost my **job**!" Erik hissed back. "There was no betting involved!"

"Hey, you're the one who said that if on the off chance you didn't have to work this weekend that you'd drop everything and come here with me," Charles grinned. "Well you don't have to work if you don't have a job!"

"You have a job and you **never** do any work!" Erik snapped. "That is if you call trying to con everyone you meet into listening to you try and play your stupid sitar a job!"

"Hey, just because you thought your job was boss doesn't mean you have to go and rag on about mine," Charles sniffed. "Besides, the way things are going you probably wouldn't have had it for much longer anyway."

"Oh sure. Being one of the engineers who helped design the Lunar Module was **such** a dead-end career," Erik grumbled mockingly. "The same Lunar Module which allowed the Apollo 11 astronauts to successfully land on the Moon a mere four weeks ago!"

"Oh please. The Space Race and lunar exploration is so yesterday," Charles waved absently. "We might send up a couple more guys to bring back a few rocks or something, but then we'll give up and not land anyone back on the moon for over forty years."

"Yeah right. Like **that** will ever happen," Erik rolled his eyes.

"Come on Erik. You really gotta learn to just let these things go," Charles encouraged.

"And I suppose it was just a coincidence that I was 'let go' the day after you met up with the Chief Engineer of NASA?" Erik snapped. "At a so-called 'interdisciplinary scientific conference' held at one of your family's estates?"

"Why Erik," Charles placed a hand over his heart in shock. "I am shocked and appalled that you think I would ever use my wealth or powers in such a petty, selfish and irresponsible manner."

"Did you?" Erik glared at him.

"That's not important," Charles quickly waved the question aside. "Anyway, I don't know why you're making such a big deal over it. Or about coming to this concert. After all I did pay for your ticket."

"Oh yes, thank you **so** much for that," Erik drawled. "Eighteen dollars paid in advance for a three-day concert that ended up being completely free! What a waste!"

"Hey, chill out, man. I can afford it," Charles waved. "Besides, what's money these days?"

"It's what allowed you to buy a private helicopter and pilot to drag us both up to this sun-forsaken mudhole," Erik grumbled. "Not to mention whatever pointless junk you decide on a whim to get. Speaking of which, take off that stupid wig!"

"This isn't a wig," Charles protested indicating his dark blonde hair.

"Charles, that is a stupid wig which looks even stupider on you," Erik gave him a look.

"But it's all natural," Charles insisted.

"That's because you made it by hand yesterday after telepathically lulling some poor woman to sleep in the woods and proceeding to shave her entire head **bald**!" Erik snapped. "Talk about irony!"

"Well you gotta admit, it does look better on me," Charles grinned running his hand through his acquired wet locks. "Besides, that woman can always just grow more."

"Yes, right after she skins you alive and uses your hide as a doormat," Erik grunted. "In fact, I think I will help her!"

"Whoa, man! There's no need for such blatant displays of hostility," Charles smiled spreading his arms wide. "This is a place for peace and love! And boy am I going to get me some of the latter!"

"Oh no!" Erik groaned. "Not **again**!"

"Oh yes!" Charles grinned in delight. "Just look at all the lovely young ladies gathered here! I'll just 'naturally' bump into one of them, introduce myself, met her female friends, suggest that we all go for a swim..."

"For heaven's sakes! Didn't you learn your lesson after the **last** time? Or am I going to end up riding with you to yet **another** hospital?" Erik groaning holding a hand to his head. "This is going to be the Nordic Polo Incident all over again, I just know it."

"Hey, how about her? She looks pretty cute," Charles smiled at a young red-headed woman situated a short distance away. "I think I heard her refer to herself as Raven..."

"Oh no you don't!" Erik grabbed Charles by his shirt. "You are staying right here and that's fina...!"

WHAM!

"Wheeeeee!" Sabertooth chirped while suddenly crashing into them from behind. Charles was sent flying down the hill while Erik fell face-first into a large pool of mud.

"Aaaggghhh!"

SPLAT!

"Hehehehehe!" Sabertooth continued to dance by with his eyes going in circles. "Groovy man! This is all like so totally cosmic!"

"Come back here!" Piotr chased after him while unknowingly running over a prone, mud-covered Erik. "No, do not try and eat **that**!"

"Ooooooh, butterflies!" Mastermind giggled skipping behind them while managing to stomp on top of Erik a few times.

"Ohhhhhh," Erik whimpered as he lay sprawled out in the mud. "Why do I have a premonition this is only a harbinger of things to come?"

"Ahhhhhh!" Charles yelped as he tumbled down the hill while rolling over several concertgoers. He continued to bounce along for a few seconds before ungracefully coming to a stop. "Oooh, what a ride."

"Whoa, like where did you come from?" Charles blinked as he found himself lying next to a pretty woman with red hair and green eyes. She appeared to be in her early twenties. "Hey, you're kinda cute."

"Why thank you. I think I'm kinda cute too," Charles grinned looking up at her. "My name's Charles Xavier."

"Cool," The woman smiled back at him. "Mine's Gabrielle Haller."

Meanwhile, Piotr had finally managed to catch up to Sabertooth and herd him back toward some of the larger tents on the outskirts of the crowd. "I think I prefer it when you are all grumpy and violent," Piotr sighed while attempting to keep him from running off again. "Just please stay here and do not break anything, okay?"

"Sure man. Whatever you say," Sabertooth waved while smiling inanely. "Want some granola?

"No thank you," Piotr sighed as he watched Sabertooth down the contents of several soggy paper cups he had managed to swipe during his brief jaunt. Mastermind was happily feeding on some of it as well. "All this rain has kind of ruined my appetite. At least Pyro will not be able to cause too much trouble around here."

"Hey man. Did you hear what happened?" A nearby group of concertgoers chatted while walking by. "Somebody set fire to a couple of the Food for Love stands and burned them to the ground!"

"I spoke too soon," Piotr groaned.

"Hey mates!" Pyro reappeared while still dripping wet but now looking significantly relieved. "You wouldn't believe the dunny lines they have around here. I almost didn't make it."

"I am starting to feel the same way," Piotr sighed rubbing the bridge of his nose. "I suppose you went and set some of the food stands on fire during your way back?"

"Na, some blokes had already gone and beat me to it," Pyro waved. "They were ticked off about having to pay a roonie each for a burger or sausage."

"Hello _hommes_!" Remy sauntered up to them with his trench coat in one hand and a big smile on his face. "Man, I love it here!"

"You are not the only one," Piotr sighed pointing to the two elder Acolytes. "I have been busy trying to stop them from running around chasing after imaginary butterflies."

"_Butterfly in the sky! I can go twice as high!_" Sabertooth and Mastermind chirped while linking arms and skipping about in the rain. A kaleidoscope of multicolored butterflies seemed to flutter around them.

"Whoa, check it out man." Several nearby concertgoers stopped to stare at the butterflies. "That is like so totally psychedelic!"

"Well, at least we won't have to worry about Mastermind accidentally affecting the people here with his illusions," Remy smirked. "They'll all just go and blame it on the acid!"

"Let us hope Mastermind does not end up blaming us for his behavior during all this," Piotr sighed turning to Remy. "Where have you been?"

"Just enjoying all the natural beauties that this time period has to offer," Remy grinned.

"You mean natural beauty," Piotr corrected.

"No," Remy wiggled his eyebrows. "I mean **beauties**! And boy are there a lot!"

"Oh my," Piotr blushed.

"Ho ho!" Pyro grinned. "Tell us more!"

"These _femmes_ sure fully embrace the idea of free love," Remy smiled dreamily. "It was an idea I completely took them up upon! Literally!"

"I am not listening!" Piotr held his hands over his ears. "I am not listening! La la la la la!"

"I also love that I was able to get a whole load of free souvenirs from them," Remy smirked patting his trench coat. "And I may have left some of them with a little souvenir or two from me!"

"I got a souvenir too!" Pyro chirped happily reaching into his pocket. "I nicked it off some grumpy white-haired bloke who had passed out in the mud."

"Really? What is it?" Remy asked.

"I think it's a set of three-day tickets for the concert or something," Pyro said studying the slip of paper in his hand. "They all have the same word printed on them: Woodstock."

"Eh, never heard of it," Remy waved dismissively. "Except for the Peanuts character of course. But I sure am liking it!"

"Wheeeeeeeee!" Mastermind giggled and spun around while dozens of little yellow birds seemed to flutter about. "Oooh, pretty!"

"Pretty birdie! Pretty birdie!" Sabertooth purred trying to pounce on them. "Come back birdies! I just wanna be your friend!"

"Looks like those two _hommes_ are liking it too," Remy smirked as the two elder Acolytes laughed and played around in the mud.

"That is nice," Piotr sighed uncovering his ears. "Can we please leave now?"

"Hey, like chill out man," Sabertooth laughed throwing an arm around Piotr's shoulders. "You really gotta let go of all that negative karma and find some peace!"

"I think I have been exposed to a little **too** much peace around here," Piotr sighed as the music played in the background. "If I have any more peace I fear I will start going to **pieces**!"

* * *

><p><strong>Historical note: The <strong>**Woodstock**** Music & Art Festival was held from August 15-18, 1969 A.D. It was the largest outdoor rock concert ever held up to that time, being attended by over 400,000 people. ****Woodstock**** included one of the greatest lineups of popular music talent ever assembled at one venue and is widely regarded as a pivotal moment in popular music history.**

**I do not support the use of recreational drugs or the abuse of any substance. Its purpose in this story is for humor and historical purposes only.**

**Note: I do not own the theme song for Reading Rainbow.**


	23. Cleanliness is Next to Godliness

**Cleanliness is Next to Godliness**

"Ohhh, what a morning," Mastermind groaned as the Acolytes appeared in yet another cramped, narrow alleyway. "Waking up to the sounds of slaughter, just barely avoid being a row of blood sacrifices, getting wasted at the most forgettable outdoor concert ever right after winding up in jail! And all before breakfast!"

"It's been pretty slow, hasn't it?" Remy quipped.

"Not slow enough," Mastermind whimpered clutching his head. "Gahhh, somebody kill me."

"Aw suck it up, ya wimp," Sabertooth snorted in contempt. "A few puffs of burning plant matter and you act like you're gonna curl up and die."

"The way I feel right now dying would be a blessing," Mastermind moaned. "Please tell me we ended up someplace safe and quiet and without anything being set on fire."

"Did somebody say '**fire**'?" Pyro asked hopefully with a crazy twinkle in his eye.

"NO!" Everyone yelled at him.

"Make even one little spark and I will trap you in an underwater illusion inhabited by nothing but overgrown pineapples," Mastermind glared threateningly.

"I'll be good," Pyro gulped.

"Actually, this place seems to be pretty nice," Piotr noted carefully peeking out of the alley. Bright square buildings made of limestone and marble rose gracefully above the straight, well-paved streets. The city itself appeared to have been built on a hill. The rich flow of people and animals bustling about indicated a very cosmopolitan atmosphere. Most of the people wore a collection of colorful tunics, robes, head-coverings and sandals. "Busy, but nice. I wonder where we are?"

"We'll know in a second. Looks like the machine is just clearing up," Remy said indicating a screen. It read:

**December 3, 6 A.D.****  
>Sepphoris, <strong>**Galilee**

"Great," Sabertooth growled staring at it. "Another forgotten place in another pointless period in time."

"Whoopee," Mastermind groaned. "Maybe we'll get lucky and forget about ever appearing here."

"Who cares where and when we are?" Pyro said somewhat impatiently. "Let's go explore the place and try to find some brekkie."

"Good idea," Remy felt his mouth water as the scents of fresh fruit, olives, onions and meat drifted in from the streets. The rich smell of exotic oils, spices and perfumes permeated the air as well. "Maybe we'll find a place where we can wash up and clean our clothes too."

"I hope so," Mastermind grumbled as the Acolytes strode out into the street. "I have mud in places I never even knew I had. Or wanted to know about!"

"I know I'll feel a lot better once I have some clean underwear," Pyro commented as they walked by a large colonnaded building under construction. "Do ya think underwear has even been invented yet?"

"Why don't you look up and find out?" Sabertooth growled pointing up at some tunic-clad workers perched on an array of scaffolding.

"Uh, never mind," Pyro winced.

CRASH!

"Uh oh," Piotr looked up as a group of workers lost their grip on a large stone block. The unrestrained block teetered dangerously on the edge of the unfinished building. "Look out!"

"Hey, get out of the way!" Remy shouted at a young boy situated directly beneath the unbalanced block. He sprinted forth and reached the boy just as the large stone block fell and crashed to the ground.

KA-SMASH!

"Gambit!" Mastermind gasped as the block shattered sending chips and pieces flying in all directions. The Acolytes hurriedly ran up to it. "Gambit, are you alright?"

"I'm fine," Remy coughed lying on the ground several feet beyond the destroyed block. He had managed to tackle the boy of the way and shield him with his body. "No need to worry about me."

"Who cares about you? I'm asking about the **machine**!" Mastermind snapped. "If it gets broken or destroyed we're never gonna get back!"

"The machine's fine," Remy harrumphed irritably. "I am too, thanks for your concern. It's so nice to know how much my life **really** means to you."

"It means something to me," Piotr said helping him and the boy up. "You could have been killed. Well done!"

"Thanks," Remy said brushing a few pieces of rubble from his hair.

"תודה," The boy said gazing up at Remy in gratitude. He had kind eyes, wore a loose tunic and appeared to be about nine years old. "אני אסיר תודה ביותר."

"Uh, what's he saying?" Pyro blinked in confusion.

"He's speaking in Hebrew," Mastermind said after a moment. "He said, 'Thank you. I am very grateful.'"

"You can speak Hebrew?" Remy raised an eyebrow in surprise.

"Only a little," Mastermind admitted. "Just enough to get by."

"Hope it's more extensive than the Cajun's ability to speak Polish," Sabertooth growled.

"Maybe we should try turning the translators back on," Piotr suggested. "They might have finished recharging by now."

"Good idea," Remy said doing so.

"You are very fast," The boy continued while taking in the Acolytes. "I have never seen anyone like you before."

"Neither has anyone else," Mastermind glanced around as a small crowd began to gather around them having witnessed the accident. "Let's get out of here before a mob forms."

"Yeah, like we haven't had any problems with those before," Remy quipped as he casually led his teammates away from the construction area.

"Where are you all going? Can I help and be of service?" The boy asked tagging along with them.

"Yeah, tell us where we can crash for a while and get a bite to eat," Pyro's stomach growled hungrily.

"And where we can clean up," Piotr added.

"Okay, just a second," Mastermind paused a moment before phrasing the question in Hebrew.

"Ah. You must be looking for the public baths," The boy nodded in understanding. "It is not far from here. I will take you there."

"Oh no!" Sabertooth snapped. "No way am I going to some stupid frou-frou joint!"

"They have food there too," The boy added as an afterthought.

"Now you're talking," Sabertooth nodded patting the boy on the back. "Lead the way."

"Yay!" Pyro chirped happily as the Acolytes headed out.

"I should remind you that you have to pay in order to the use the baths," The boy warned cautiously. "I would pay for you, but I have no money. If you don't pay the guards won't let you in."

"Oh, I won't worry about that," Remy grinned knowingly.

* * *

><p>Twenty minutes later...<p>

"Ahhh," Remy sighed in content as he soaked inside a stepped, stone-lined heated pool. His skin and hair had been cleaned and he wore only his underwear. "Now this is more like it!"

"It does feel nice to finally be able to get clean," Piotr said sitting in the pool also in his underwear. "I will never take the base's showers for granted ever again."

"Hmmm," Mastermind grinned blissfully as his skinny frame was almost completely submerged in the pool. Water gently lapped against the sides of his head as he closed his eyes in enjoyment. "I am not leaving here. I am never leaving here. They will have to drag and beat me away with a stick and even then I am not leaving here."

"Too bad everyone who **was** here can not say the same," Piotr groaned.

"Hey, we needed to clear the place out, so we cleared the place out," Remy said cheerfully. "Besides, it's not like we barged in and started dragging and scaring the rest of the people away."

"That is because you delegated Sabertooth to do it," Piotr pointed out.

"He wanted to," Remy shrugged. "How else were we going to get in here? Did you really want to give up the chance to get a hot bath and a decent meal?"

"Well, no," Piotr fidgeted.

"There you go. We're here now, so just lay back and enjoy the ride," Remy smirked popping a fig into his mouth. Several trays filled with grapes, figs, olives, cheeses, breads, honey, almonds, celery and other foodstuffs sat on the rim of the pool.

"Okay," Piotr sighed before biting into a date. "Mmmm, that is good."

"Ah, now that really hit the spot," Sabertooth strode in wearing only a large fluffy towel wrapped around his waist. He cracked his neck in satisfaction. "I think I'm finally starting to like this whole bathing thing."

"I think I'm about to go **blind**," Remy winced at Sabertooth's appearance. "Don't tell me you actually went and took a bath?"

"Of course not," Sabertooth snorted in contempt. "I just rinsed some of the gunk outta my hair before getting a full body massage."

"Really?" Mastermind opened his eyes in surprise. "I didn't know they give massages here."

"They don't. At least not until I grabbed some of the guards and clerks I had thrown aside when we first came in and had them give me one," Sabertooth explained. "It took a while for them to stop crying and for me to get the message across, but they finally got the idea."

"Oh boy," Remy groaned.

"They did a pretty good job too. Even got some of the kinks out of my back," Sabertooth grinned while stretching. "But they really started to lose it when I had them go and massage my feet."

"I was wondering what all that screaming and crying was about," Piotr sighed placing a hand to his head. "I thought it was just a reaction to Pyro playing with the fire in the steam room."

WHOOOOOOSSSHHHHHH!

"HAHAHAHAHA!" The sounds of roaring fire and maniacal laughter were heard as the bath's air and water temperatures noticeably increased. "YEAH! YEAH!"

"On second thought," Piotr groaned.

"Who cares as long as the Firebug doesn't burn the place down while we're still in it," Sabertooth waved. "Is that kid we ran into still out cleaning up our clothes?"

"That's what I asked him to do," Mastermind said settling back into the water. "Or I might have accidentally told him to dance on spotted elephants while sewing holes into a moonbeam. My Hebrew is a little rusty."

"Great," Piotr groaned. "That is very reassuring."

"Whatever," Sabertooth waved. "Just make sure I get my clothes back. That kid better not turn out to be some kind of thief."

"Na, he didn't seem the type," Remy said. "But there are always possibilities. All he needs is someone to show him the ropes and..."

"Do not even think about it," Piotr gave him a look.

"Fine," Remy said grabbing a towel and getting out of the pool. "Now if you excuse me, I think I'll go try and get me a massage."

"I'm gonna go try and get some food," Sabertooth growled as Remy left.

"Why? There is plenty of food here," Piotr gestured to the trays.

"I mean **real** food!" Sabertooth snapped. "Like meat! There's gotta be something decent to eat around here." He took a few experimental sniffs. "Hey, I think I smell some live goats penned up nearby. Let me at them!"

"Oh no," Piotr groaned as Sabertooth left the room. "Please tell me he is **not** going to gut and eat a live goat out in the middle of the street."

"You really think he won't?" Mastermind gave him a look.

"I can hope, can't I?" Piotr sighed.

"Hey _hommes_!" Remy came back with an eager grin on his face. "Did you know there is a women's bath here too?"

"Yes," Mastermind nodded. "It's a common design. We're in the men's bath now. But the two baths are kept separate. There is no access between them."

BOOM!

"There is now," Remy smirked as the section of wall he had lightly charged in an adjoining room detonated. "_Femmes_, here I come!"

"Oh my," Piotr blushed as Remy quickly ran out. "He never stops, does he?"

"That's one way of putting it," Mastermind rolled his eyes.

Suddenly they heard a bloodcurdling scream. "Oh dear. Now what is going on?' Piotr groaned.

"GAHHH! NO! STAY BACK! HELP!" Remy ran back into the pool room with a look of sheer terror in eyes. Chasing after him was a crowd of very excited, very elderly ladies. "AHHHHHH! GET AWAY FROM ME!"

"Ha! Now this is good!" Mastermind grinned at Remy's misfortune. "Breakfast and a show!"

"Ladies, please stop this," Piotr quickly grabbed a towel and got out of the pool. "There is no need for such behavior...AHHHHHH!"

"This is priceless!" Mastermind laughed as Piotr was quickly mobbed by elder women. "I wish I had a camera!"

"HELP! SAVE US! AIIIEEEEEEEEE!" Remy and Piotr yelped as they desperately tried to stay ahead of their pursuers. "GAHHHHHH! NO TOUCHING! NO TOUCHING!"

"Serves them right," Mastermind smirked as the younger Acolytes ran for their lives out of the room with the group of women hot on their heels. "Good thing I hid myself with an illusion so those women didn't see me."

PA-LOOOSH!

One very elderly, very overweight woman slipped and fell into the pool right on top of Mastermind. She flailed and stomped on him a few times before managing to haul herself out of the pool and waddle after her companions.

"Glub!" Mastermind gagged as he slowly rose to the surface. "Ohhh, on the other hand..."

BAAAHHHHHH!

A small herd of goats stampeded into the room and proceeded to knock over the food trays.

"COME BACK HERE!" Sabertooth roared chasing after them. "I JUST WANNA EAT YOU!"

"THAT'S IT MY LITTLE ANIMALS FRIENDS!" Pyro was heard cheering in another room. "SPREAD THE FLAMES AND BE FREE! FREE!"

BAAAHHHHHH!

"Hello. Your clothes are ready," The boy Remy had saved entered the bath looking for the Acolytes while carrying a large load. "All clean and dry too."

"Thanks mate!" Pyro grinned walking up to him wearing a towel. He happily took his uniform and began changing into it. "Ooo, it even smells all clean and lemony fresh!"

"You having very strange clothes," The boy commented as Pyro dressed. "You must be from very far away."

"You have no idea," Pyro smiled slipping on his pack. It had been left in a corner of the bath along with the time machine.

"I live in a small village a short walk from the city," The boy continued while helping Pyro with his pack. "It is called Nazareth."

"That's nice," Pyro said absently while checking his flamethrowers. "Hmmm, I really gotta get some more fuel for these shelias."

"I came here with my father to learn while he helped work on the buildings," The boy explained humbly. "He is a carpenter."

CRASH!

BAAAHHHHHH!

"GOTTA YA!"

CRACK!

WHAM!

"SOMEBODY HELP US! HEY! GIVE US BACK THOSE TOWELS! GAH! STAY BACK! NOOOOOOOOO!"

SMASH!

"Well, looks like he'll have plenty of work do to around here," Pyro smiled as the bath house shook under the chaos. "Thanks for all the help, mate. See ya!"

"Mmmm, that's good!" Sabertooth appeared munching on a warm goat leg with blood still dripping from it. "Nothing like a bite of fresh goat meat in the morning!"

"Ohhh," Mastermind crawled out of the pool room while draped in a towel. "Okay, I've changed my mind. I am leaving here."

"OUTTA THE WAY! OUTTA THE WAY!" Remy and Piotr ran in with the crowd of elder women still hot on their heels. "YAHHHHHH! GET THEM AWAY FROM US!"

"You got it!" Pyro grinned turning toward the steam room's fires.

WHOOOSSSHHH!

"Aaahhhhhh!" The crowd of elder women screamed as a wall of fire quickly blocked the doorway.

"There ya go mates," Pyro smiled at his handiwork. "All done! And our clothes are ready too."

"Thank goodness!" Remy gasped grabbing his uniform. "Let's get outta here!"

"Please!" Piotr urged as the Acolytes got dressed in record time. "I think I have been scared for life!"

"You're not the only one," Mastermind groaned holding his side. "Oooh, my kidneys!"

"So much for **not** having a mob chase after us," Sabertooth quipped as the Acolytes quickly ran out as the fire began to spread throughout the baths. "Still, this has actually been one of our better stops."

"Maybe for you!" Remy gasped strapping on the machine. "I never want to stop here ever, ever again!"

"Me too," Piotr agreed glancing back fugitively. "What happened to that boy we ran into?"

"Probably ran off as soon as he saw the fire," Mastermind moaned while struggling into his coat. "At least if he was sane. Thank goodness he managed to wash all the mud out of our clothes."

"And the stuff we kept in them," Sabertooth grunted checking his uniform. "He even got me a new shirt. And in my size."

"Wow, that was very nice," Piotr commented. "I wish I had had a chance to repay him."

"Eh, I slipped a couple extra bars of soap to him before he left to wash our clothes," Remy waved. "He can keep the change. We still have plenty of soap left."

"Did anyone ever find out his name?" Piotr asked.

"Nope," Pyro shook his head. "Never did."

"It probably doesn't matter," Mastermind grumbled as Remy prepared to activate the machine. "After all, why would anyone ever have a reason for remembering **him**?"

* * *

><p><strong>Historical Note: Sepphoris was the capital city of <strong>**Galilee**** during the beginning of the 1st century A.D. and was the largest, most affluent city in the region. It was rebuilt during the rule of Herod Antipas which involved many artisans, craftsmen and day laborers in what has been described as "the largest restoration project of the time".**

**The most common language spoken in ****Galilee**** at the time was Aramaic, a language in the Semitic family. However, since I do not speak Aramaic and could not find an Aramaic-English dictionary, I used** **Hebrew instead which was also spoken in the region at the time.**


	24. We're Gonna Party, Party Right Now!

**We're Gonna Party, Party Right Now!**

"Are you sure about this?" Piotr whispered hesitantly.

"Of course I'm sure," Remy said confidently. "We need another secure place to cache our stuff, don't we?"

"Yes, but Fort Knox?" Piotr asked looking around.

"Hey, we gotta make do with what we got," Pyro shrugged gesturing at the interior of the vast, massive vault the Acolytes had appeared in. Rows of heavy, reinforced shelves ran the entire length of the room. "And what better place to stash our souvenirs than here?"

"I guess so," Piotr sighed as he glanced at the machine's display. It read:

**October 23, 1956 A.D.****  
><strong>**Fort Knox****, ****Kentucky**

"Cut it with the commentary," Mastermind grumbled irritably. "Hurry up and let's get out of here before somebody decides to open up the vault."

"Right," Remy nodded as he finished inspecting the hidden compartment he had made. He began to carefully take inventory of it. "Okay, we have the sterling silverware from that body-stacking dinner in Italy, a bunch of old-fashioned coins and banknotes from the diner, some wooden beer spigots..."

"A piece from the rim of that large nuclear bomb," Piotr added. "And the order pad with my sketches and that one man's signature."

"My diner hat and Woodstock tickets," Pyro chirped. "And the hinge pins we got from Ned Kelly's cell."

"And my sabertooth tiger tooth," Sabertooth growled. "I better get that baby back or else!"

"Yeah, yeah," Remy waved and continued to take stock. "Some bead necklaces I picked up from those Woodstock _femmes_, the belt from that kid we ran into in Galilee..."

"You **stole** that?" Piotr gasped in horror.

"You wound me _homme_," Remy place a hand over his heart. "I'd never steal anything from a poor little kid like that."

"Since when?" Sabertooth taunted.

"Anyway," Remy shot Sabertooth a dirty look. "It's more like a frayed piece of rope than a belt. I traded it from him for a real belt I 'borrowed' from one of the clerks Sabes knocked out."

"Oh, okay," Piotr sighed.

"A few Viking pendants, that crazy nautical acquisition specialist's necklace," Remy finished his inspection. "I think that's it."

"Wait! Don't forget this!" Pyro reached into his uniform. "The flint knife that priest bloke used to cut out Sabes' heart."

"You **kept** that?!" Sabertooth roared.

"Well, yeah," Pyro admitted. "It was just lying around on the ground with a lot of blood caked on it. And it did make some really nice sparks..."

"That's nice," Mastermind mocked. "I'm sure Sabertooth is **thrilled** to have a memento of being disemboweled."

"I know who **I'd** like to disembowel," Sabertooth grunted.

"Yeah, whatever," Remy rolled his eyes putting the knife in the compartment. "Well, that's everything. And I just finished refueling the machine so let's go."

"What? That's it?" Mastermind said sarcastically. "You're not going to throw in a gold bar or two as a souvenir from this place?"

"Na," Remy declined. "I already have one after I broke in here the last time."

"The **last** time?" Piotr blinked.

"It's a long story," Remy shrugged modesty. "But a good one. I'll tell you all about it later."

"Yeah right," Sabertooth snorted.

"But if you _hommes_ want we can always grab some gold bars when we come back to reclaim the cache," Remy said as he sealed up the compartment. "And we can nab that gold crown, orb and scepter that tag said was from Hungary."

"If they're still around," Mastermind grumbled.

"Okay, all set," Remy finished sealing the compartment and did a quick sweep of the area. "Everything ready? We didn't leave any foot or handprints in here, did we?"

"No," Piotr checked the bottom of his boot. "We are fortunate to have cleaned up right before we came here. Otherwise we would have gotten mud all over the place."

"Who cares?" Sabertooth growled. "Let's get outta here."

"Yeah," Pyro agreed as Remy activated the machine. "The next time we find ourselves locked up in some cold, big metal box we better be back at the base!"

* * *

><p>"Ouch!" Piotr yelped as he banged his head upon arriving in the next time period. "Oooh, something is poking me in the liver."<p>

"That's my leg you big oaf!" Mastermind snapped as he squirmed to get loose. "Gah, where did we end up this time?"

"On the floor," Remy said while lying on his stomach. The Acolytes had appeared on a hard stone floor underneath a long wooden table covered with a thick, droopy tablecloth. "A really dirty one. Yuck!"

"Forget the floor. What about the noise?" Sabertooth winced at the sounds of yelling, laughter and revelry around them. "What the heck is going on out there?"

"Do you really want to know?" Mastermind grumbled. "Because I know I sure don't!"

"I would like to know where we are," Piotr said. "What does the machine say?"

"Just a second," Remy turned so he could peak at a screen which had just finishing clearing up. He read its contents out loud to his teammates:

**January 1, 1692 A.D.****  
><strong>**Moscow****, ****Russia**

"Oh no," Mastermind groaned. "We're back where this whole stupid trip started!"

"At least the city isn't on fire this time," Remy noted.

"And it better stay that way," Sabertooth growled giving Pyro a look. "Or else!"

"Geeze, you burn half a dozen historical cities to the ground and you never hear the end of it," Pyro pouted.

"It will be the end of your **life** if you set anything on fire around here!" Sabertooth snapped baring his claws. "Got it?"

"If you say so," Pyro said noncommittally.

"I say that we stay under here until we can leave," Mastermind winced as something was heard breaking in the background. "I'm sensing the minds of a hundred or so people out there."

"Good idea," Piotr gulped as several shouts and screams shook the room. "The less we interfere with other time periods the better.

CRAAACCCKKK!

"So much for that idea," Remy quipped as a multitude of cracks appeared in the table. "Look out!"

"Oh dear," Piotr sighed as the Acolytes quickly scrambled out from beneath the table right before it collapsed.

CRASH!

"What the heck?" Mastermind blinked at the enormous pile of cheese lying among the broken remains of the table. "Where did all of that come from?"

"Whoa, get a load of this place, mates," Pyro said taking in their surroundings. The Acolytes appeared to be in the middle of a large, highly decorated banquet hall which looked like a herd of rampaging buffaloes had torn through. Over a hundred well-dressed people were laughing, dancing, eating and drinking among what remained of the hall's furniture. "We're in the middle of a party!"

"Oh no, not again!" Mastermind groaned. "I'm still trying to recover from the **last** party we were involved in."

"Hahahahaha!" A small group of what appeared to be nobles drunkenly attempted to shoot a large barrel sitting in the corner using bows and arrows. They mostly ended up hitting the floor, ceiling, broken chairs and in one case themselves. "Hahaha...ow!"

"Wheeeeee!" A pair of gray-haired men laughed while playing trumpets filled with distinctly fermented beverages.

"_больше! больше!_" A thick, burly man staggered around while laughing and bumped into Pyro. His breath indicated he was highly inebriated. "_Эй, кто вы такие люди?_"

"Huh?" Pyro blinked at him in confusion. "What did he say?"

"He asked who we are," Piotr translated for him. "Your translator must have gotten accidentally turned off when we landed here."

"Oh, that explains it," Pyro nodded and began poking at his ear. "How do I turn this bloody thing on again?"

Sabertooth casually whapped Pyro on the head. "I never get tired of doing that," Sabertooth smirked.

"Oooh, thanks mate," Pyro blinked woozily.

"I've never seen any of you before," The man peered drunkenly at them. "Hey Deacon! Who is this lot?"

"What is it?" An intelligent looking, brown-haired man made his way through the crowd. He stood even taller than Piotr though was not nearly as well bulked. He had dark eyes, a thin mustache and appeared to be about twenty years old.

The tall man worked his way over and stared at the Acolytes warily. "I don't recall meeting any of you before. Who are you people? Who invited you here?"

"Uh...um...ah..." Piotr stuttered.

"Tell him we're foreign visitors," Remy suggested.

"Okay," Piotr quickly did so.

"Foreigners you say," The man seemed to brighten slightly. "Are any of you Dutch?"

"No," Mastermind said shaking his head.

"Well why not?" The man shouted punching Mastermind in the face.

THUD!

"Oh boy," Pyro gulped as Mastermind lay crumpled up on the floor. "Let's not get on this bloke's bad side."

"Ha! Who cares? I can take him," Sabertooth grinned confidently.

"You! The hairy one!" The man pointed at Sabertooth dangerously. "Are you Swedish?"

"Heck no!" Sabertooth roared back. "I'm Canadian!"

"What?" The man cocked his head at the unfamiliar words.

"He is from...um...um...the Americas," Piotr supplied in Russian. "We, uh, work there."

"Ah, the Americas!" The man's eyes widened in amazement. "I have heard many tales of the New World. Tell me, have you been to New Amsterdam?"

"Never heard of it," Sabertooth snorted.

"He means New York," Mastermind moaned getting to his feet. "It was originally founded as New Amsterdam by the Dutch."

"Oh that," Sabertooth nodded. "Sure, we've been there."

"Wonderful!" The man brightened and slapped Sabertooth's shoulder. "You must tell me all about it! Come have a drink!"

"Alright! Now you're talking!" Sabertooth grinned.

"Oh dear," Piotr sighed as a tray of goblets appeared held by a pretty female server. Sabertooth and Mastermind each took one. "Not more alcohol! This will not end well."

"I dunno. I think this place just got a whole lot better," Remy winked at the server.

"Like I said," Piotr groaned as something broke in the background.

"Here my friends!" The man shouted raising his goblet high. "Let's drink to those who are still awake to do so!"

"Yeah!" Everyone in the room who was able drunkenly roared back.

"Whatever!" Sabertooth laughed before proceeding to down his drink.

"Wow, now that's impressive," Remy whistled as the man emptied his goblet in one go. "Who is this guy?"

"I will ask," Piotr said and did so.

"Who am I?" The man threw back his head and laughed. "I am Peter Alekseyevich! Leader of the All-Joking, All-Drunken Synod of Fools and Jesters!"

"The **what**?" Mastermind choked on his drink.

"Hmmm, something must be wrong with the translators," Remy frowned tapping at his ear. "Cause there's no way that last sentence was translated right!"

"It was," Piotr sighed.

"Neat!" Pyro chirped.

"Well then they certainly live up to their title," Remy quipped studying the mass of partying people.

"What in the world kind of title is **that**?" Mastermind sputtered.

"Well, we used to just call ourselves 'The Jolly Company'," Peter said after Piotr translated the question. "But we decided the new title was much more appropriate!"

"You can say that again," Mastermind grumbled.

"Hey, what's the matter with you?" Peter glared at Mastermind's dour mood. "You should be happy. Aren't you drunk enough?"

"Uh, no," Mastermind gulped shaking his head.

"Well you should be!" Peter punched him in the face again.

THUD!

"Ouch," Pyro winced as Mastermind lay on the floor unconscious. "That's gotta hurt."

"Only the drunkest will be allowed to remain here!" Peter declared tossing back another drink. "Now let's hear some music!"

"Yeah! You tell 'em Petey!" Sabertooth tossed his empty goblet away and eagerly took another. "Drinks for everybody!"

"Oh boy," Remy whistled as the crowd grew even more boisterous. "Just what the heck have we gotten ourselves into?"

"Alekseyevich, Alekseyevich," Piotr repeated Peter's name while frowning in concentration. He suddenly stopped and grew wide-eyed. "My gosh!" He turned to stare at Peter in shock. "Do you know who that is?"

"Um, Peter?" Pyro ventured.

"He is more than that!" Piotr said. "He is Peter the Great!"

"Who's Peter the Great?" Remy asked.

"He is the most famous and influential tsar in Russian history," Piotr stated in amazement.

"Wahooo!" Peter alternatively laughed and drank while wailing on a set of drums. "Oh yeah baby! Rock on! Wohoooooo!"

"Really," Remy deadpanned. "I never would have guessed."

"Hey, any guy who drinks like that and throws parties like this is great to me!" Sabertooth declared. "Hey, Petey! Wait for me!"

"Oh dear," Piotr groaned as Sabertooth joined Peter and the rest of the room's native occupants in attempting to drink the whole of Moscow dry. "I never read about this in any of the history books."

"Yeah, it's amazing all the fun stuff they forget to put in 'em," Pyro nodded.

"I know what I would like to forget about...ahhh!" Piotr yelped as a group of large brown bears waltzed into the room. "What in the world...?!"

"Oooh, look! They're so cute!" Pyro squealed skipping up to them. "Come here, you!"

"I have to admit, the boy does have a good idea," Remy said as Pyro began waltzing with the bears. "I think I'll do the same only with a member of my own species." He winked at a pretty female server. "Hey Piotr. How do you say, 'You're gorgeous' in Russian?"

"Oh no. I am not going to help you...agggh!" Piotr yelped as he was grabbed by a particularly large bear. "Gahhh! Let go!"

"Yeah! That's it Colossus! Just go with the flow!" Pyro chirped as he and Piotr danced with the bears.

"I will go insane if this continues much longer!" Piotr yelped as he was wrapped in a bear hug. "Ahhh! No dipping! No dipping!"

KA-BOOM!

"Yikes!" Piotr yelped as a large cannon was fired at one end of the room.

CRASH!

"Aiiieee!" A pair of female servers swooned into Remy's arms.

"Alright!" Remy grinned happily while supporting them. "I'm really starting to like this place!"

"AH-HAHAHAHA!" Feathers flew through the air as several people walloped each other with pillows.

"Ohhh, my head," Mastermind moaned as he slowly regained consciousness. "Gah, what a nightmare. I dreamt that we were all lost in time and randomly jumping from madness to madness..."

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Mastermind screamed as a series of fireworks began going off both in and outdoors. Stray sparks rained down on everyone. "YAAAGGGHHH! PYRO!"

"It wasn't me!" Pyro shouted passing off his dance partner. "But I like it! Yeah!"

"NO! NO MORE FIRE! NO MORE FIRE!" Mastermind screamed covering his head while running around in circles.

KA-POW!

"WHOOO-HAHAHA!" The group of archers had switched to muskets and were now taking pot shots at the hall's windows. One of them clipped the support line of an overhead chandelier and sent it crashing to the ground.

SMASH!

SHATTER! TINKLE! TINKLE!

"Flames for everybody!" Pyro whooped as he used his powers on the hall's many lit candles and made flaming fire birds fly around the ceiling. "HAHAHAHAHA! YEAH! YEAH!"

"Oooh, pretty!" The recovered female servers gazed at the unexpected light show.

"Yes it is," Remy grinned with an arm wrapped around them both. "But not as pretty as you two!"

"INK FIGHT!" A brawl broke out as many of the room's occupants began hurling multicolored inkwells at each other.

MMMRRRAAAWWWGGGHHHHHH!

"What the...YAAAAHHHHHH!" Mastermind yelped as a small herd of reindeer stormed into the room. "GAHHHHHH! GET THEM AWAY!"

"That is what I have been trying to do!" Piotr yelled as he was passed among the bears. "Please, not another dance!"

"Alright! Let's get 'em!" Sabertooth cheered as he and Peter began chasing after the reindeer. "I've been craving some good steaks!"

"AAARRRGGGHHHHHH! MY HOME!" A very frenzied Russian nobleman hopped by while tied up wearing his only his undergarments. "NO! STOP DANCING ON THE MANTELPIECE! CEASE DRINKING ALL MY WINE! DON'T THROW **THAT** IN THE FIREPLACE! WAIT, WHERE DID YOU GET THAT AXE? STOP! STAY BACK! NOOOOOOOOO!"

KA-BOOM!

"Will somebody please stop firing that cannon?" Piotr shouted as he continued to waltz with the bears. "Someone is going to get hurt!"

"Hey, lighten up _homme_," Remy smiled as the female servants fawned over him. "Just go with the flow and join the celebration!"

"HELP!" Mastermind screamed while running for his life from a trio of very sharp-antlered reindeer. "THEY'RE GONNA EAT ME!"

"What celebration?" Piotr gasped as more fireworks went off. "What is there to celebrate around here?"

"TALLY-HO!" Pyro whooped riding by on a reindeer.

"How about having **survived** this whole insane trip for so long?" Remy said as the madness continued about them. "If that isn't a good reason to celebrate that I don't know what is!"

* * *

><p><strong>Historical notes: The <strong>**United States**** Bullion Depository, commonly referred to as ****Fort** **Knox****, is one of the most secure and heavily protected facilities in the world. The Hungarian Crown Jewels were kept there for safekeeping after World War II. They were returned to ****Hungary**** on January 6, 1978 A.D. **

**Peter the Great is one of the most famous and influential leaders in Russian history. He led many internal political, technological and cultural reforms, founded the city of ****St. Petersburg****, formed ****Russia**** into a major European power, is considered the father of the Russian navy and officially proclaimed the establishment of the Russian Empire in 1721 A.D.**

**The All-Joking, All-Drunken Synod of Fools and Jesters was a club founded by Peter the Great. It included many of Peter's friends and centered mostly around drinking, partying and parodying various social institutions of the time.**


	25. A Forgotten Encounter

**Warning: The following chapter contains T-rated graphic content that surpasses the K+ rating of this story.**

* * *

><p><strong><span>A Forgotten Encounter<span>**

KA-BOOOOOOM!

"Gahhh!" Mastermind yelped as the Acolytes arrived in the middle of a deep muddy trench. Great gaping holes had been blown out of the sides which had been previously reinforced by an assortment of wooden boards, sand bags and sheet metal. "Oh geeze, what fresh nightmare have we fallen into this time?"

"Yuck!" Remy gasped as he attempted to free his boot from a small viscous pool of mud. More mud oozed from beneath the trench's parapet and plopped down onto his clothes. "Man, this is disgusting!"

"And cold!" Pyro whimpered wrapping his arms around himself in an attempt to stay warm. A layer of snow coated the top of the trench, some of which melted and added to the fluidity of the mud. "Yaaah! There's snow all down my back!" He began to oddly jerk about while hopping up and down.

BANG!

"Aaahhhhhh!" Pyro yelped and fell to the bottom of the trench as a shot cracked around his head.

"Pyro!" Piotr gasped and quickly bent over him. "Pyro, are you alright?"

"Oooh, I think so," Pyro blinked while sprawled out in shock. Piotr carefully helped him stand up. "Am I bleeding? Is my brain still here?"

"Yes, your brain is still there," Mastermind snapped rolling his eyes. "Or whatever you had that passed for it. And no, you are not bleeding."

"Oh good," Pyro sighed. "I wouldn't want to get any bloodstains on my uniform. They're so hard to get out."

"Yeah, like blood is what we should we worried about around here," Remy grumbled while futilely trying to wipe mud off his trench coat. "And we just had all this stuff cleaned too."

"Where the heck are we?" Mastermind shivered tightening his coat while keeping his head below the edge of the parapet. Several explosions were heard going off nearby. "And why is someone shooting at us?

"Like people have ever needed a reason to shoot at us before," Sabertooth growled glancing around at the damaged trench. "But I gotta admit, this does look kinda familiar..."

"Freeze!" A section of soldiers wearing Canadian uniforms suddenly appeared from around the corners and poured in from both sides of the trench. They were armed with a collection of rifles, grenades, bayonets and machine guns.

"Uh oh," Piotr gulped. "This is not good."

"Surrender! _Kamerad, kamerad_..." One of the soldiers paused and blinked at Sabertooth. "Creed! I shoulda known you'd be up here."

"Huh?" Sabertooth frowned at the man in confusion. "Are you talking to me?"

"I thought 3rd platoon was supposed to support us after we captured the trench, but looks like you got ahead of everyone as usual, eh," A muddy man with lieutenant pips stepped forward and gave Sabertooth a nod. "So what's the situation here, sergeant? And what are you doing out of uniform?"

"Lieutenant Darknell?" Sabertooth blinked in recognition. "Oh no. Now I know where we are!"

"Me too," Remy said glancing down at the machine. A screen had just finished clearing up. It read:

**April 11, 1917 A.D.****  
>Vimy Ridge, <strong>**France**

"Oh no," Mastermind blanched at the display. "This **really** isn't good!"

"Why? What is it?" Piotr whispered. "Where are we?"

"We've ended up on the Western Front in the middle of the First World War," Mastermind paled in horror. "And by the look of things we're right on the front lines!"

"Who are these men?" Darknell eyed the Acolytes warily as several soldiers pointed their weapons at them. "Germans?"

"No! We're your allies!" Mastermind shouted frantically. "I'm Italian! He's Australian! He's Russian! He's French!"

"I'm **American**," Remy corrected giving Mastermind an annoyed look.

"American?" Darknell looked at Remy in surprise. "How did you get over here? America only entered the war last week!"

"Maybe he's one of those pilots flying for the French," A soldier suggested.

"He doesn't look like a flyer to me," Another soldier grunted.

"I don't care what he looks like as long as he's able to fight," Darknell snapped turning to Sabertooth. "Will you men be able to hold this position if the Germans counterattack, sergeant?"

"Yeah, yeah," Sabertooth grunted. Darknell stared at him. "Uh, I mean yes sir."

"Good. Dig in and wait for the rest of 3rd platoon. We'll take up a position on your flank," Darknell ordered. "You men need anything?"

"Yes, a dry cleaner and some warm blankets," Mastermind's teeth chattered.

"And some fuel for these," Pyro indicated his flamethrowers.

"Well unfortunately all the blankets are at the dry cleaners down in the subways," Darknell quipped. "But we did stumble upon a German flame projector when we seized the trench. You can have it."

"Yay!" Pyro chirped as two soldiers lugged the captured flamethrower into view. He eagerly pounced on it. "Thanks mates!"

"Just remember you owe us some Lowney's bars for it," Darknell said before gesturing to his men. "Okay, move out. See ya, Creed."

"Yeah, see ya," Sabertooth grunted as the soldiers moved further down the trench line while trying to avoid sniper fire. "Great. Never thought I'd have to go through this muddy mess again!"

"Again?" Piotr blinked as Pyro worked on transferring fuel and gas to his flamethrowers. "You mean you were **here** during all this?"

"I **fought** during all this," Sabertooth growled gestured at the steep, churned up ground the trench line had been dug on. "The Canadian Corps took and held the ridge that the French and British failed to take three times!"

"I can see why," Mastermind gulped at the pillboxes and dugouts built further down the line. "This place is a fortress!"

"Wait a second," Remy calculated. "If you fought during this time, then that would make you..."

"Old enough to **kill** you for making any wisecracks," Sabertooth growled showing his claws. "Got it?"

"Whatever you say, Fossils," Remy smirked.

"Grrr," Sabertooth rushed at him.

"That is enough," Piotr managed to prevent Sabertooth from gutting Remy on the spot. "There is no need to fight each other. There is enough fighting going on already."

"No kidding," Mastermind twitched as artillery continued to rumble in the background. "Can we please **leave** now?"

"Can't. The machine is still cooling down," Remy said checking a screen.

"It's not the only thing cooling down around here," Pyro shivered as he worked. "I can't feel my fingers!"

WHUMP!

"Yikes!" Mastermind yelped as a pair of armed muddy figures tore through a tangled line of barbed wire before tumbling into the trench.

"Look out!" Remy and Piotr quickly prepared to fight them off.

"Let me at 'em!" Sabertooth roared readying his claws. He then took a good look at one of the figures. "Oh no. Not **you**!"

"What? What is it?" Remy stopped and stared at a short, well-built man with brown eyes, black hair and wearing a Canadian uniform. "**Wolverine**?"

"What did you just call me, bub?" A younger Logan snapped brandishing his rifle and a trench knife. He appeared much as he did in their time period. Logan paused and quickly took in the Acolytes. "Whoa, that guy looks just like you, Vic."

"Who does?" A younger Victor Creed growled getting to his feet. He looked the same as Sabertooth only with shorter hair and no mutton chops. "Hey, he does look like me!"

"That's because I **am** you," Sabertooth grunted lowering his claws. "I'm you from the future!"

"What?" Victor looked at him in confusion. "That doesn't make sense!"

"Trust me, nothing about this group **ever** makes sense," Mastermind groaned.

"This is impossible," Logan frowned sniffing experimentally. "He even smells like you, Vic."

"And you smell just like someone I know," Sabertooth snapped. "Someone I really, really **hate**! I should just kill you now and save myself years of trouble. Hmmm, that's not a bad idea!"

"What?" Logan shouted and pointed his rifle at Sabertooth. "Don't even think about it, bub!"

"Yeah!" Victor pointed his rifle at Sabertooth as well. "Nobody does anything to my pal Logan!"

"O-kay," Remy blinked at the scene. "Here's a sight I never thought I'd see Number 36."

"Listen you, I mean me," Sabertooth growled at his past counterpart. "Killing the Runt now will save you a ton of trouble in the future. I know because it's already happened to me!"

"Oh yeah?" Victor snapped back. "If you're really me, then what number am I thinking of?"

"Huh?" Sabertooth sputtered. "How the heck should I know?"

"Because if you were really him from the future then you'd have gone through this already," Logan spat at him. "And you'd already know everything about it."

"I don't remember ever running into a version of my future self," Sabertooth shot back at Logan. "Not knowing about the past is **your** specialty!"

"I'll show you **my** specialty!" Victor roared swiping at Sabertooth's face.

"Gaaahhh!" Sabertooth hissed as Victor's bayonet slashed him across the cheek. His healing factor quickly repaired the damage.

"What the?" Victor gasped in shock. "How did you...?"

"I told you," Sabertooth gave him a look. "I'm **you**!"

"You're just like us," Logan stood stunned at the sight. "We can heal ourselves from practically anything. Even after being hit by whizbangs and coal boxes."

"I know that," Sabertooth snapped pointing at Victor. "Just like I know he used to wet whatever he managed to use as a bed until he was thirteen."

"What?" Victor blanched. "That's a lie! I...I never..."

"Then there was the time you stumbled into the house wearing a dress," Sabertooth continued.

"I was helping Mom do the wash! Her clothes blew off the clothesline and just happened to drape over me at the wrong time!" Victor protested. "But I never told anyone about..."

"And then there was a certain 'fuzzy snuggy goo-goo' incident..." Sabertooth began.

"HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?" Victor yelled.

"'Cause I'm you," Sabertooth snorted. "Duh!"

"This is very weird," Piotr blinked as the Acolytes witnessed the exchange.

"I dunno. I'm finding it to be pretty entertaining," Remy smirked. "Somebody's writing all this down, right?"

"Okay, okay! You've convinced me! You're me!" Victor caved in quickly. "Just stop talking!"

"'Fuzzy snuggy goo-goo' incident?" Logan looked at Victor questioningly.

"SHUT UP!" Victor and Sabertooth yelled at him.

"Sheesh," Logan rolled his eyes. "Still as cheery as ever, isn't he?"

"Tell us about it," Mastermind sighed.

"So you really are me from the future," Victor stared at Sabertooth in amazement. "Unbelievable! Why are you here? Are you gonna help us win the war or something?"

"No, this is just a random stop while we try to make it back to our own time," Sabertooth grunted. "But I'll give you these wise words of advice." He placed both hands on Victor's shoulders and stared him straight in the eye. "RUN MAN! RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN!"

"Huh?" Victor blinked in confusion.

"Never join up with these lunatics!" Sabertooth frantically gestured at his fellow Acolytes. "If you ever come across any of them, ditch 'em and just run far, far away!"

"Thanks for the support, Sabes," Remy drawled. "We feel the same way about you."

"They're crazy, I tell you!" Sabertooth ranted. "Every one of them is absolutely mad! Mad!"

"We are not the only ones," Mastermind grumbled.

"And when some bucket-headed guy wearing a cape and calling himself Magneto asks you for your help, tell him HECK NO!" Sabertooth warned. "'Cause joining up with him means you will end up working with these nuts!"

"Says the guy who's obviously cracked," Remy quipped.

"Are you sure we should be letting him do this?" Piotr asked. "Giving advice to his younger self could end up affecting the future."

"Na, it's okay," Remy waved. "He obviously didn't end up listening to himself."

"You have no idea what they'll do to you!" Sabertooth looked like he was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. "There will be fire, explosions, insane arguments, shaving cream, chaos, aardvarks..."

"Aardvarks?" Victor and Logan repeated.

"Trust me, you don't want to know," Remy twitched.

"Neither do I," Mastermind gulped.

"Is he on some kind of medication?" Logan asked the Acolytes while jerking a thumb at Sabertooth.

"No, but he probably should to be," Remy shrugged.

"O-kay," Victor slowly freed himself from Sabertooth's grip. "Thanks for the tip, bud. Except for the aardvarks it sounds just like being in the trenches."

"No, it's worse. Far, far worse," Sabertooth groaned.

"Look out. Coming through!" A young soldier rounded a corner of the trench while dragging a bulky field telephone set and a roll of telephone line. He dropped the set in part of the trench and began to hook it up. "Hey boys. Everything still jake-a-loo around here?"

"Good to see you too, Conn," Logan grinned punching the man on the shoulder. "What's a Military Cross winner doing up here?"

"Saving you sorry behind from being shelled by our own artillery. Doubt you'd be able to survive having it happen again," The man smirked as he worked. He then noticed the Acolytes. "Hey, who are these guys?"

"We're, ah, a group of international observers," Remy said smoothly. "Non-combatants of course."

"Since when?" Mastermind grumbled.

"Who are you?" Piotr asked.

"Lieutenant Conn Smythe, artillery observer, 40th Field Battery," The man replied studying them. "Hey Vic! That guy looks just like you! You two related?"

"That's one way to say it," Sabertooth grunted.

"Huh, well I never heard of noncombatants being this close to the front," Smythe quipped as he went back to setting up an observation post. "You must be lost!"

"You have no idea," Mastermind sighed.

"All done!" Pyro finished refueling his pack. He stood up and brandished his flamethrowers eagerly. "Let's try these sheilas out!"

"NO!" The Acolytes yelled at him.

"Don't even think about it!" Remy and Piotr moved to prevent Pyro from firing up his pack.

"That's a flame projector!" Logan gaped in recognition. "Is that guy crazy?"

"Do you really have to ask?" Sabertooth snapped.

"Hey, stop it!" Smythe shouted as the mutants struggled while occasionally having parts of their bodies appear above the parapet. "Keep moving around and the Germans might decide to shell us!"

WHEEEEEEOOOOOOHHHHHH!

"Speaking of which," Smythe groaned. "TAKE COVER!"

"Aggghhh!" Mastermind cried before curling up into a ball.

"Look out!" Piotr grabbed Smythe and threw him next to Remy and Pyro before armoring up and shielding all of them with his body.

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

KA-BOOOOOOM! KA-BOOOOOOM! KA-BOOOOOOM!

FA-WHOOOOOOOOOMMM!

"Aaahhhhhhhh!" Pyro yelped as explosions rocked the trench line.

"Mommy! Mommy!" Mastermind wept from the shelling.

KRA-BOOOOOOUUUUUUHHHHHH!

The rain of heavy shells stopped abruptly leaving behind an eerie stillness and silence. "Oh, is it over?" Remy asked slowly sounding very shaken.

"I think so," Piotr listened for a moment before carefully getting up.

"Hooley dooley!" Pyro gasped at the heavily destroyed section of trench line. "Just look at this place!"

"Good heavens!" Smythe stared at his obliterated field telephone. "That could have been me! Thanks!"

"Uh, you are welcome," Piotr said modestly having revered his head back to its non-armored form. The rest of his armored body was hidden by his frock coat.

"I got to go back and scrounge up another telephone set," Smythe quickly checked his helmet. "Anybody wounded?"

"No," Mastermind stuttered still somewhat in shock. "Not physically anyway."

"Speak for yourself," Sabertooth hissed yanking a ten-inch piece of sheet metal out of his neck. "Gaahhh!"

"Okay, hang in there," Smythe waved before cautiously crawling away.

"Well that was fun," Remy coughed as Smythe disappeared and the wind began blowing more snow down into the trench. "Let's **never** do it again!"

"Oh dear," Piotr gulped pointing at a caved in portion of the trench. Victor and Logan both lay partially buried underneath a small pile of dirt and debris, each with a large piece of shrapnel in their head.

"Yuck!" Pyro gagged at the sight. "I think I'm gonna be sick!"

"You're not the only one," Mastermind groaned before being so. "Bleaaah!"

"Well, that explains why Sabes never remembered meeting his future self," Remy shakily studied the scene. "The hunk of steel in his and Logan's brains must have destroyed that part of their short term memories and their healing factors didn't fully repair them."

"Crud," Sabertooth cursed. "And I was looking forward to never knowing any of you idiots!"

"Well if that happened you won't know what you don't know instead of knowing what you do know," Pyro said. "Ya know?"

"I know," Sabertooth groaned.

"Um, shouldn't we do something about this?" Piotr gestured at Logan and Victor.

"Na, forget it. They'll regain consciousness once they finish healing," Sabertooth growled as the pieces of shrapnel were slowly ejected from Logan and Victor's heads. "See, they're healing now."

"Lovely," Mastermind looked very green. "Can we **please** leave now?"

"Yeah, the machine is all done cooling down," Remy glanced at a screen.

"About time," Sabertooth grunted. "For a time machine that thing always seems to take way too much of it!"

"I **really** need to learn how to erase my own mind," Mastermind moaned as Remy prepared to activate the machine. "I never want to remember **anything** about this time period."

"Some things we should remember," Piotr said quietly gazing at the scene of destruction and slaughter around them. "And some things we **will**."

* * *

><p><strong>Historical notes: The <strong>**Battle**** of Vimy Ridge occurred during World War I from April 9-12, 1917 A.D. It was the first time all four Canadian divisions acted together as a cohesive unit as the Canadian Corps. The German army never regained Vimy Ridge. The battle is widely seen as a symbol of Canadian unity and is often considered to be the birthplace of ****Canada****'s national identity and nationhood.**

**Conn**** Smythe was an artilleryman during World War I. He later became the principal owner of the ****NHL**** Toronto Maple Leafs, built the ****Maple** **Leaf** **Gardens**** in 1931 A.D., served again during World War II and became one of the best-known figures in Canadian hockey.**


	26. The Horror, The Horror

**The Horror...The Horror**

"Ooof!" Pyro yelped as the Acolytes fell to a sidewalk in a heap. "Ooo, I landed on something all warm and soft!"

"Get off me!" Remy snapped shoving him aside.

"How about **you** get off **me**?" Mastermind howled while being crushed by his teammates. "Agggh, why do I always end up on the **bottom** of these pileups? It's like I'm the butt of some stupid running gag!"

"I am sure it is not intentional," Piotr addressed Mastermind as he carefully picked himself up. "Sorry for lying on your leg."

"What leg? Nobody is lying on my legs," Mastermind grumbled. "For once my legs are the only things that aren't being lied on."

"Really? Then whose leg is this?" Piotr traced the spare limb back to a pale, slender man crumpled up on the sidewalk. The man wore a clean but worn black suit, white shirt and black cravat. He also carried a small travel bag and malacca cane. "Ahhh!"

"What is it?" Remy asked before noticing the body. "Oh."

"Is he dead?" Pyro asked peeking around him.

"No he's not," Sabertooth took a few sniffs. "He must have just been beneath us when we appeared here and was knocked out after we landed on him."

"Well, no sense wasting this opportunity," Remy shrugged and prepared to frisk the man. "Let's see if he has any good souvenirs on him."

"Oh no you do not," Piotr stood in front of the man protectively. "We have more important things to do. Like finding out where and when are we."

"Ah, come on Piotr," Remy urged. "It'll only take a second. He might have a gold watch or a silver..."

"No," Piotr said firmly.

"Fine," Remy sighed. "Let's check the machine." He looked down at it just as one of the screens finished clearing up. It read:

**September 28, 1849 A.D.****  
><strong>**Baltimore****, ****Maryland**

"Hmmm. Baltimore," Pyro rolled the name over in his head. "Say, haven't we been here before?"

"Yeah, we rested here for a while after getting lunch at that old-fashioned diner," Remy recalled.

"Not as old-fashioned as this place," Sabertooth growled looking around. Blocks of solid, red brick buildings lined the streets while rows of straight, square chimneys dotted the skyline. Brightly colored awnings covering the front stalls and windows of the buildings while gas lamp-posts were slowly being lit as the last of the daylight began to fade. "Anybody see a bar?"

"Oh no," Piotr groaned. "This is no time to get a drink."

"**Any** time is a good time to get a drink," Sabertooth snapped.

"Says the alcoholic," Remy quipped.

"Who cares about getting a drink?" Pyro piped up. "Let's find someplace to clean up."

"For once Pyro has a point," Mastermind grumbled brushing his coat. "And I thought that stupid concert was muddy!"

"Ohhh," The Acolytes turned as the man they had landed on stood somewhat unsteadily in the sidewalk. He had dark hair, a wide forehead, dark mustache and appeared to be about forty years old. "Ooo, what happened?"

"Um...uh," Piotr stuttered.

"G'day mate!" Pyro chirped happily. "We just had a little run-in with ya. No worries."

"What?" The man blinked at them. "Who are you people?"

"Who are you?" Sabertooth shot back. "Speak up, punk!"

"Punk?" The man frowned in confusion. "I do not know who you are talking about. My name is Edgar..."

"Hi! Nice to meet ya, Eddie!" Pyro smiled stepping forward and slapping him on the back.

"Eddie?" The man yelped in indignation. "Now see here you..."

"Hey Eddie. You know where a bloke can clean up around here?" Pyro asked. "We're just passing through and don't know the area very well."

"No I do not!" Edgar huffed clutching his cane. "I am just passing through here myself. I was about to find myself suitable lodgings for the night, so if you excuse me..."

"Hey, that's great! We can help each other out!" Pyro said grabbing his arm. "Us out-of-towners gotta stick together!"

"What are you doing...ahhh!" Edgar yelped as Pyro excitedly began to drag him down the street. "Stop! Let go of me! Help!"

"Oh dear," Piotr sighed watching them. "Pyro is in one of his little moods again, isn't he?"

"What do you mean **again**?" Mastermind gave him a look. "Pyro is always in a mood! Though what kind of mood is beyond me!"

"C'mon," Remy said and ran off to catch up with Pyro. Aside from a few lamplighters the streets were almost deserted. "Let's go before he decides to burn yet **another** city to the ground."

"Like that won't happen anyway," Sabertooth grunted as the remaining Acolytes quickly ran after them.

"Nope, nope, nope, nope," Pyro ticked off possible buildings as he passed them. "Hey, let's look in here!"

"Unhand me sir!" Edgar demanded as was unwillingly dragged along. "If you do not release me immediately I will call for the police!"

"This place looks promising," Pyro skipped to the front door of a large, rectangular brick building dotted with windows. A small water tower stood to the side. "Huh, it's locked."

"Thank goodness," Edgar sighed.

"Not for long," Sabertooth growled as the rest of the Acolytes caught up to them. Sabertooth confidently strode up and kicked in the door.

CRASH!

"Thanks Sabes!" Pyro chirped creating a small fireball for light. "Let's go Eddie!"

"Stop calling me Eddie...ahhh!" Edgar yelped as he was dragged inside.

"Oh my," Piotr blinked at the mounds of crates jammed inside the first floor of the building. Some of the crates were stacked all the way to the ceiling. "What kind of place is this?"

"It's a warehouse, Russian," Sabertooth grunted taking a few experimental sniffs. "Even you should be able to figure that out."

"Okay, let's see what we have here," Remy had Pyro light a small lantern before moving towards several crates. He easily opened one using his powers. "Hey, nice!" Remy grinned withdrawing a highly decorated pewter jewelry box.

"Oh no," Piotr groaned. "We are not taking any of these things with us. Put that back."

"Ah, shaddap Russian. Like you haven't taken anything during this trip," Sabertooth snorted tearing open another crate. "Alright!" He pulled out a bottle of Rhine wine. He tore out the cork with his claws and chugged it. "Hmmm, not bad."

"Come on, come on," Mastermind muttered while struggling to open another crate. He finally managed to do so. "Oh joy." He held up a small package. "Soap. Just what I really needed."

"Might as well stock up on it while you can, _homme_," Remy smirked. "Never hurts to have more fuel for the machine."

"This is wrong," Piotr frowned as his teammates continued to open and loot the crates. "These things do not belong to us and we should not being taking any of it."

"Yippie!" Pyro was heard in a far part of the warehouse. "Guess what I found mates? Clean underwear!"

"On second thought," Piotr blinked as the Acolytes immediately dropped what they were doing and went off to find Pyro. "I suppose no one would mind if we took a few minor things."

"That's the spirit Piotr!" Remy smiled slapping him on the back. "Soon we'll have you pillaging and looting right along with the rest of us!"

"Please do not say that," Piotr groaned.

"Whaddya think, mates?" Pyro asked standing next to an open crate. He had discarded his uniform and had slipped on a pair of fresh underwear. "They're silk!"

"Really? Boy, the people in this time period sure have good taste," Remy raised an eyebrow in surprise. "Kind baggy though. Hey, there are socks too."

"Help me," Edgar moaned nearby while lying against a large wooden support. He looked somewhat disturbed. "Oh, my eyes! My eyes!"

"Finally!" Sabertooth eagerly dove into the crate. "Now I won't have to keep wearing the same pair of socks and underwear three days in a row!"

"How is that any different from what you usually do?" Remy quipped.

"Shut up Cajun!" Sabertooth snapped removing his boots. He ripped off his dirty socks and casually tossed them over his shoulder.

"I have to get out of here," Edgar regained his senses and headed for the door right as Sabertooth's socks hit him in the face. "AAAGGGHHH! THE SMELL! THE SMELL!"

"Hey, pipe down Eddie. We're trying to change here," Remy said taking off his boots.

"Yeah," Mastermind grumbled as the rest of the Acolytes' disappeared around some piles of crates for privacy while absently tossing their dirty socks at Edgar. They also tossed their worn and discarded pairs of underwear on him.

"YAAAGGGHHH!" Edgar collapsed and proceeded to wither on the floor in agony. "OH MY NOSE! MY NOSE!"

"Ah, that's much better," Remy reappeared fully dressed once again. "I feel like a new man. Now let's try and find a place to clean our stuff."

"No need," Pyro stood fully clothed next to a row of large opened barrels. "I think these things are full of rainwater or something. We can clean up using them."

"I thought you didn't like water or getting wet," Mastermind mocked appearing from around a pile of crates.

"I don't like **tons** of water or getting **really** wet," Pyro corrected as Mastermind unwrapped some soap. "But a few little spritzes for the sake of getting clean are just fine.

"That's because we forbade him from cleaning by incinerating himself and everything he wears," Remy said as the Acolytes swiftly rinsed the mud and blood out of their clothes. "On pain of having him live in a freezer for a week while completely naked."

"Thank you Gambit for putting **that** image in my head," Mastermind groaned.

"Oh, and look what I found!" Pyro chirped holding up a crisp palm-leaf hat. He happily put it on. "Whaddya think?"

"I think you look ridiculous," Mastermind snorted.

"Hey, I resemble that remark!" Pyro squawked.

"You certainly do," Remy quipped.

"Talk about this place holding a bunch of random junk," Sabertooth growled. "It's like being back in one of the base's storage rooms."

"At least the base was always well stocked with disinfectant," Remy quipped. "It had to in order to kill off all the lice and bacteria living in your hair."

"SHUT UP CAJUN!" Sabertooth roared swiping at him. "THAT'S IT! YOU'RE GONNA DIE!"

"You first!" Remy dodged and quickly charged up one of the barrels.

BOOM!

"Aggghhh!" Sabertooth yelled as water exploded everywhere.

"'Bout time you had a decent bath," Remy taunted.

"YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THIS CAJUN!" Sabertooth swore wiping at his face. "OW! YOU GOT SOAP IN MY EYES!" He began waving his claws about wildly.

"Gahhh!" Edgar gasped as the water washed away the Acolytes' discarded garments. He glanced up just as Sabertooth blindly pounced at him with his fully extended claws. "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

CRACK!

"Missed me! Missed me!" Remy laughed as Sabertooth just missed caving in Edgar's head and instead made a set of deep gouges in the floor.

"I'LL MISS YOU WHEN YOU'RE DEAD YOU BIG-MOUTHED LUNATIC!" Sabertooth roared. "OH, WAIT! NO I WON'T!"

"Ha!" Remy swiped a handful of glass beads from a crate before charging and tossing them at Sabertooth.

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

"YAAAHHHHHH!" Edgar screamed as explosions burst above him.

"Hey, that looks like fun! I wanna play too!" Pyro chirped grabbing Remy's lantern and using his powers on the flame. "Tag! You're it!"

WHOOOSSSHHHHHH!

"AAAIIIEEEEEEEEE!" Edgar shrieked as flames roared through the air. "YAHHHHHH! I'M ON FIRE! OW! HOT! HOT! HOT! OWWWIIIEEE!" He leapt to his feet and began running around in panic.

"Stop! I got you!" Piotr carefully tackled Edgar to the floor. He quickly removed his burning suit and shirt. "You are okay."

"Wheeeeee!" Pyro laughed while continuing to shoot fire streams everywhere.

"Knock it off you lunatic!" Mastermind yelled frantically. "Before you hurt someone! Namely **me**!"

"Take this Furball!" Remy taunted throwing more charged beads at Sabertooth.

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

"AAAHHHHHH!" Edgar screamed at the explosions.

"Come back here!" Piotr shouted as Sabertooth blindly chased Remy to the second floor of the warehouse while Pyro ran after them. "This is no time to fight!"

"Are you sure?" Mastermind asked peeking out from behind a pile of smothering crates. "Maybe we'll get lucky and they'll all kill each other."

"Do you really think they will manage to do that without destroying the machine?' Piotr gave him a look.

"Good point," Mastermind groaned.

"Here," Piotr hastily helped Edgar into a torn alpaca coat and dirty shirt that had been blown around during the chaos. He picked up Edgar and ran up to the second floor with Mastermind close behind.

"You're dead Cajun!" Sabertooth shouted while chasing Remy around row after row of massive wooden shelves. "You hear me? Dead!"

"I hear you!" Remy laughed while staying ahead of Sabertooth. "I'm just surprised you can hear me with all the fat you got stored up in your head and waist!"

"DIE!" Sabertooth howled.

"Hey, this stuff looks neat!" Pyro giggled peering at several glass storage bottles filled with some kind of liquid. "Wanna see how flammable they are?"

"NO!" Everyone yelled at him.

"For the love of mike Pyro, don't set any strange things in this place on fire!" Remy snapped.

"Yeah!" Mastermind added. "You've shot so many flames around already I'm surprised the whole place hasn't burst into an inferno!"

FA-WHOOOSSSHHH!

Half a dozen pillars of fire ate through the floor and began roaring around them. "Me and my big mouth," Mastermind groaned.

"Oh crud!" Sabertooth cursed and ceased chasing after Remy. "Way to go Firebug!"

"What do we do?" Piotr asked nervously.

"Head for the stairs!" Remy shouted just before the whole stairway was engulfed in flames. "Or not."

"Oh great! Not again!" Mastermind whimpered as fires continued to creep along the building. "There's no way out!"

"Oh yes there is!" Sabertooth roared grabbing him.

"Wait! What are you doing...AAAGGGHHHHHHHHH!" Mastermind shrieked as Sabertooth picked him up and hurled him out a window.

CRASH!

TINKLE! TINKLE!

"Aaahhhhhh!" Mastermind rolled along the building's lower roof before falling off and landing in the back of an unhitched, uncovered wagon. "Ohhh..."

WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!

"Ouch, that hurt," Remy groaned as everyone else dropped into the wagon.

WHOOOSSSHHHHHH!

"Well what are you waiting for?" Mastermind blinked as flames leapt from the building. "Get us out of here!"

"You got it mates!" Pyro grinned perched in the front seat while holding the lantern. A very shaken Edgar sat next to him. "Here we go!"

"**NO!**" The Acolytes yelled.

FA-WHOOOOOOSSSSSSHHHHHH!

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Everyone screamed as Pyro used his powers on the lantern to create a pair of jet engines made out of fire. They roared and shot the wagon away from the burning warehouse like a bat out of heck.

WHACK!

The wagon's tongue shattered upon striking one of the small water tower's legs located near the warehouse. The tower collapsed and spilled its entire contents over the warehouse thus extinguishing the fires.

"Wheeeeee!" Pyro cackled happily as the wagon tore down the almost empty streets. "Isn't this fun Eddie?"

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Edgar shrieked while plastered to the front seat.

"Pyro you maniac!" Mastermind cried while huddled in the back. "Stop this infernal thing at once! Watch out for the stands! AAAGGGHHHHHH!

CRASH! CRASH! CRASH!

"Hahahahaha!" Pyro laughed maniacally as the wagon sent empty food and goods stands flying. "Yeah! Yeah!"

"No! No!" Piotr yelped as the wagon weaved back and forth on the sidewalk.

CRUNCH!

"Hey, outta the way!" Pyro shouted as the wagon flattened an iron lamp-post. "These things are slowing us down. Better turn up the heat!"

"NO!" Mastermind blanched as the wagon sped up.

CRUNCH! CRUNCH! CRUNCH! CRUNCH!

"Will you stop running into lamp-posts?" Remy yelled while frantically trying to prevent being thrown out. "NO! DON'T POP A WHEELIE! YAAAHHHHHH!"

"Somebody stop that flame brained nutcase!" Sabertooth roared as the wagon performed a 180 degree turn. Only two wheels touched the ground. "BEFORE HE KILLS US ALL!"

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Edgar screamed in terror.

"This is so cool!" Pyro chirped as the wagon flew over a bump. "Let's see what's over there!"

"No!" Piotr yelped. "Pyro get off the sidewalk! Do not turn down that alley! We do not have enough room! AAAGGGHHHHHH!"

BANG! BANG! BANG!

"Whaddya talking about Colossus? There's plenty of room!" Pyro waved as the wagon bounced off the walls of the alley. "Nothing can stop this baby! Hahaha...uh oh."

"UH OH?!" Remy shrieked. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, '**UH OH**'?!"

"There's a dead end ahead," Pyro reported.

"WHAT?!" Mastermind screeched.

"Eh, no worries, mates. We'll just go through here!" Pyro aimed straight for a building.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Everyone screamed.

FA-WHOOOSSSHHH!

CRASH!

Pyro sent out a huge fireball that blew a hole in the building right as the wagon shot through. "Ha! Yeah!"

"AAAGGGHHH!" Mastermind cried as the wagon tore through a butcher's shop. "We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die!"

"Only if we're lucky!" Remy whimpered. "WHICH WE OBVIOUSLY AREN'T!"

SMASH!

The wagon burst through the shop's front window and shot back onto the street.

"Oh man that was great! I am absolutely loving this!" Pyro giggled.

"I am absolutely **hating** this!" Sabertooth yelled while spitting out broken pieces of glass. "Whoever's responsible for all this should die! DIE I TELL YOU!"

"Ooo, lookie! A jump! Let's try it!" Pyro cackled.

"NOOO!" The Acolytes screamed.

WHOOOSSSHHHHHH!

"WAHOOOOOO!" Pyro laughed insanely as the wagon shot into the air.

"Are we doing **barrel rolls**?!" Sabertooth shrieked in terror.

"Ohhh, I think I am going to be sick!" Piotr looked very green.

"You're not the only one!" Mastermind gurgled. "Bleeechh!"

KA-BAM!

"Oh yeah! Now this is good!" Pyro cackled as the wagon landed on top of a three-story building and continued to speed across the roof.

"Oh no, not again!" Piotr whimpered.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Edgar's already pale complexion had turned completely white.

"Lalalalala!" Pyro sang as the wagon swerved in and out among the chimneys.

"How is he still able to create jet engines out of fire?" Mastermind gasped as the wagon leapt to another building. "The lantern flew out of the wagon long ago!"

"He's probably using the two open barrels behind the driver's seat filled to the brim with lamp oil!" Remy yelled indicating them.

"WHAT?!" Mastermind screamed. "IS HE **INSANE**?! WHAT AM I SAYING!?"

"At least he has not set either of the barrels on fire!" Piotr called out.

"DON'T GIVE HIM IDEAS!" Sabertooth howled.

"Huh, no more rooftops," Pyro commented peering ahead. "Brace yourselves mates!"

"Oh no!" Mastermind whimpered.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Everyone screamed as the wagon flew off the last roof.

KA-WHAM!

"Hahahahaha!" Pyro smiled as the wagon landed and sped on. "Wow, is this fun or what?"

"It's definitely what!" Remy twitched nervously. "Hey, is it just me or are we moving along a lot smoother?"

"Oh yeah. We landed on some sort of tracks," Pyro explained. "Nice, flat, even..."

WHOOOOOO-WHOOOOOO!

"They are train tracks, aren't they?" Piotr whimpered.

"Oh yeah," Sabertooth stared at the mighty locomotive bearing down on them. "FIREBUG!"

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Edgar screamed as the wagon left the rails right before the locomotive hit them.

"Ya gotta love it!" Pyro grinned as the wagon sped down the street once again. All four wheels were now smoking. "A little ride like this really gets the blood pumping, doesn't it?"

"I wouldn't know! My pulse is lost and gone forever!" Mastermind wept. "And I wish I had gone with it!"

"No fear, mates! I have a perfect sense of direction," Pyro waved turning towards the back. "Nothing gets by me!"

"LOOK OUT!" Piotr screamed.

"Oops!" Pyro turned back around. "Abandon cart!" Pyro leapt out of the wagon with Edgar. The rest of the Acolytes tumbled over the sides right before the wagon smashed into a giant stone monument.

KA-BLAM!

"Well that was fun," Pyro laughed as the remains of the wagon disintegrated upon impact.

"Gahhh?" Remy twitched sporadically. The wagon's former occupants lay sprawled out on the ground in a small alley.

"I can't believe we survived...I can't believe we survived," Sabertooth groaned.

"I hear something," Mastermind croaked feebly. "Bells, harps, trumpets. The angels are upon us!"

"I do not think angels would leave us with ringing in our ears," Piotr winced getting up.

"That was one of the best rides I've ever been on!" Pyro giggled happily. "I was really getting the hang of it."

"Are you joking?" Mastermind blanched. "Please tell me he's joking!"

"Bet ya had a great time, huh Eddie?" Pyro asked.

"Ahhh...ahhh...ahhh..." Edgar lay stiff as a board.

"It's okay. You don't have to say anything," Pyro said. "The whole ride has probably left you beyond words."

"That's one way to put it," Sabertooth groaned as the Acolytes slowly recovered.

"I'd love to get your autograph for a souvenir," Pyro went on. "Whaddya say?"

"Ahhh...ahhh...ahhh..." Edgar stared emptily.

"I do not think he is in any condition to sign things Pyro," Piotr carefully propped Edgar up against the wall of a nearby tavern.

"Maybe he has something in here," Remy opened up Edgar's bag which Edgar had somehow managed to hang on to through the whole trip. His still tightly grasped his cane too.

"Well what's in it?" Pyro asked. "Anything good?"

"Not really. Just some papers," Remy leafed through them. "It looks like an unpublished collection of poems and short stories. They're all signed with the same name. Poe."

"Oh," Pyro slumped in disappointment.

"Wait a second," Mastermind slowly got to his feet. "Poe? As in Edgar **Allan** Poe?"

"Oh yeah," Remy checked the signatures. "I guess so."

"HOOLEY DOOLEY!" Pyro cried leaping at Edgar. He immediately began shaking his hand. "Glad to meet ya, mate! Love your work!"

"Ahhh...ahhh...ahhh..." Edgar drooled.

"Who is Edgar Allan Poe?" Piotr asked.

"Eh, some famous horror writer or something," Remy waved absently. "Which explains why Pyro is fawning all over him."

"Your work is brilliant, mate! Absolutely brilliant!" Pyro pumped Edgar's arm like a slot machine. "Almost as brilliant as mine!"

"Oh geeze, what a line," Mastermind groaned. "And I thought Gambit had an ego!"

"Don't worry, Eddie. You don't have to get up to sign your autograph. I'll just take these!" Pyro swiped the papers from Remy's hands.

"Wait a minute," Piotr protested. "Those are not yours."

"Aw, it's okay, Colossus," Pyro assured him. "Eddie doesn't mine, do ya Eddie?"

"Ahhh...ahhh...ahhh..." Edgar twitched.

"See?" Pyro grinned plopping his battered palm-leaf hat on Edgar's head. "And here's a little something he can have from me."

"Just let the Firebug keep the papers, Russian," Sabertooth glared. "He can be buried with 'em right after I KILL HIM!" He leapt at Pyro.

"Okay, that's enough," Remy sighed as Piotr armored up and prevented Sabertooth from tearing Pyro to pieces on the spot. "The machine's finally done cooling down. Time to go!"

"It's about time!" Mastermind gasped. "If I have to spend one more minute in this cursed time I'll go completely crazy!"

"Looks like it's already to late for him," Remy quipped at Edgar's inanimate form.

"KILL! KILL! KILL!" Sabertooth howled.

"Calm down Sabes!" Remy sighed. "At least we're still able to talk in complete sentences after this ride."

"I am glad the ride gave us a chance to dry out our clothes," Piotr noted while struggling to contain Sabertooth. "Of course at the speed we were going we were lucky not to have them blown clean off!"

"There is one thing I have learned about this stop," Mastermind grumbled as Remy activated the machine. "If we can survive Pyro's wild driving we can survive **anything**!"

* * *

><p>"Ow!" Remy winced as he was enveloped in complete darkness. He fell back and landed on something hard. "Ow! What the heck?"<p>

"Ouch!" Piotr was heard close by. "Where are we? I can not see!"

"Feels like the inside of a tin can," Sabertooth growled having calmed down somewhat. "A small tin can."

"Help! I'm stuck! I'm upside-down!" Pyro cried while bouncing into things. "I wanna be rightside-up!"

"What is that sound?" Mastermind gulped nervously as a dull roar began to violently build in the background. "Why is everything shaking?"

"Oops!" Piotr accidentally hit several things that felt like switches.

"_T-minus ten, nine, eight..._"

"What was that?" Everyone froze at the unexpected voice. "What's going on?"

"_Seven, six, five..._"

"Oh no," Sabertooth gulped in realization. "We must be inside a rocket!"

"WHAT?!" Remy and Piotr yelled.

"Really? Yay!" Pyro cheered. "I always wanted to blast off into space!"

"_Four, three, two..._"

"Mother..." Mastermind whimpered.

"_One..._"

* * *

><p><strong>Historical note: Edgar Allan Poe was an American author, poet, editor and critic. He is best known for his works in the mystery, macabre, horror and Gothic genres and is considered the inventor of the modern detective story. Poe was found on the streets of <strong>**Baltimore**** on ****October 3, 1849 A.D.**** 'in great distress' and remained incoherent until his death four days later. While various theories have been proposed over the years, the exact cause of Poe's death has never "officially" been determined.**


	27. Mutants in Space

**Mutants in Space**

"_Ignition!_"

**BRRROOOAAAOOOUUUHHHHHHHHH!**

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Everyone screamed as the deafening roar of the engines erupted beneath them.

"Aggghhh!" Sabertooth howled covering his ears. All the Acolytes lost their balance and fell over as the mighty, titanic rocket slowly lumbered into the sky. "Make it stop! Make it stop!"

"Ahhh!" Pyro was heard falling nearby. "Ow!"

"Are you okay?" Piotr shouted.

"I'm fine!" Pyro yelled back. "I landed on my head!"

"What's going on?" Mastermind cried in terror. "I can't see a thing!"

"Hold on!" Remy fumbled in his trench coat. He took out a small red flashlight and turned it on.

"Oh my!" Piotr blinked at the compact metal compartment the Acolytes had appeared in. Three smaller compartments clustered around it while a set of metal, triangular grids made up the floor and ceiling. All of them were shaking. "Is this what the inside of a rocket is supposed to look like?"

"I have no idea!" Remy yelled lying next to him.

"Yeah! Yeah!" Pyro whooped as the entire rocket rattled and proceeded to pick up speed. "Feel the power! Feel the burn! Outer space here we come!"

"No! I don't wanna go into space!" Mastermind cried. "I don't even like to fly!"

"Arrrggghhh! I can't take it anymore!" Sabertooth screamed and began frantically pounding on the walls. "LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT!"

SKKKRRREEEEEECCCHHHHHH!

"WHAT WAS THAT?!" Mastermind shrieked. "WHAT WAS THAT?!"

"It sounded like something ripped off the side of the rocket!" Piotr shouted over the screech of tearing metal. "And there goes another one!"

"Oh no, the whole place is coming apart!" Mastermind wailed. "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

"Way to go Sabes!" Remy cried. "You broke the rocket!"

"I DID NOT!" Sabertooth roared.

"Somebody tell that voice on the radio to abort the launch!" Mastermind cried.

"I can not! I must have bumped and turned it off!" Piotr shouted.

"Of course!" Mastermind screamed as the rocket continued to speed faster and faster. "WE ARE GOING TO DIE! WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

"WILL YOU STOP SAYING THAT?!" Remy yelled.

"Ugh, my chest!" Pyro yelped as the g-forces significantly increased. "It feels like Sabes is lying on me!"

"Sabertooth **is** lying on me!" Mastermind yelped painfully. "Ahhh, my spine!"

"Can't...move!" Remy felt himself being pinned to the deck. "Too...much...force!"

"Here!" Piotr armored up and helped Remy lie flat on his back. "Is that better?"

"Not...really!" Remy groaned.

"Uggghhh, I'm being crushed!" Mastermind whimpered under the awesome g-forces they were being subjected to. Forces that were made even worse by Sabertooth lying on top of him. "For the love of mike, get off me!"

WHAMMM!

"Aaahhhhhh!" Everyone screamed as the rocket's first stage engines suddenly shut down and momentum sent them all crashing into the ceiling.

"Gahhh!" Sabertooth gasped as Mastermind's flying form knocked the wind out of him. "Get off me!"

"That's what I've been telling you to do!" Mastermind snapped. "This is payback!"

"At least you had something soft to crash into!" Remy winced rubbing his face. Piotr had managed to hold Remy and Pyro close to himself and absorb most of the impact. "I think I broke my nose!"

"I dunno, mate. It might make you look more distinguished," Pyro commented. "Maybe you'll end up looking like W.C. Fields."

"Your nose is not broken," Piotr quickly inspected Remy. "It is just a little bruised."

"Great," Remy groaned. "Well, I guess it could have been a lot worse."

"Really?" Mastermind grumbled. "How?"

BRRROOOAAAOOOUUUHHHHHHHHH!

"Aaahhhhhh!" Everyone screamed as the rocket's second stage engines erupted and set them crashing back into the floor.

"Ohhh," Mastermind croaked being once again pinned underneath Sabertooth. "Me and my big mouth..."

"Gahhh," Remy moaned as Piotr lay on top of him and Pyro. "That...really...hurt..."

"Sorry," Piotr carefully crawled off them as the rocket sped up once again.

"No worries, mate," Pyro waved somewhat dazed. "I think that actually helped my back."

"I wish this stupid rocket would make up its mind!" Remy snapped. "Is it gonna stop, start, blow up or what?"

"I wish I could get **off** this stupid rocket!" Sabertooth growled as the g-forces increased again. "Which rocket is this anyway?"

"I don't know! The machine doesn't give a name. All it says is this," Remy read off the contents of one of the machine's screens to his teammates:

**May 14, 1973 A.D.****  
><strong>**Merritt Island****, ****Florida**

"Florida?" Piotr blinked. "I did not know there was a region called Florida in space."

"The machine's saying we arrived **in** Florida," Remy explained. "Where the heck we are now is anybody's guess!"

"Maybe we ended up on some kind of fancy amusement park ride," Pyro suggested. "And this is only a simulated mock-up of a rocket."

"Yeah, that's it. This is just a ride," Mastermind babbled desperately. "It is just one little, frighteningly realistic ride. All a ride. Not real! I bet when we get out we'll find ourselves in the middle of Tomorrowland and see the Magic Kingdom!"

"Really?" Sabertooth snorted as the rocket's second stage engines finally shut down. "Then how do you explain **that**?"

"Hey, neat!" Pyro chirped as he began to seemingly float in midair. "Look at me! I'm flying! I'm flying!"

"Oh no," Mastermind gulped as the rest of the Acolytes began to hover inside the compartment. "No, no, no! It's not real! This can't be happening!"

"Whoa!" Piotr tried to orient himself while pinwheeling his arms. He had reverted back to his non-armored form. "This is kind of fun!"

"I'll say," Remy grinned spinning about. "This was worth being flattened twice on the way up. Though the second time wasn't nearly as bad as the first."

"Speak for yourself," Mastermind groaned.

"Bleah!" Sabertooth spat and tried to clear his mouth. His long hair billowed about him like a mermaid's. "Yuck! This is ridiculous!"

"More like hilarious," Remy snickered at Sabertooth's appearance. "Man, I wish I had a camera."

"Wheeeeee!" Pyro laughed while flying around the compartment. "Look at us! We're the first mutants in space! We've made history!"

"Over here!" Piotr had moved into one of the side compartments the size of a small galley. He managed to uncover a circular window. "Oh wow!"

"Whoa!" Remy gazed in awe at the blue, green and white Earth outside. Sunlight bathed it in a divine radiant glow. "We really are in space!"

"Look at that!" Pyro squealed in wonder at the marvelous sight before them. "Hey, I think I can see my old house from here!"

"Mastermind you have to see this," Piotr called out.

"No," Mastermind tightly grasped the floor grid with his hands while stubbornly closing his eyes. "I don't want to see anything. I want to go down!"

"I wouldn't do that. It's a long way down," Remy whistled.

"Glub," Sabertooth suddenly clutched his stomach. "Ohhh, I don't feel so good..."

"What's the matter, Sabes?" Pyro tore his gaze from the window. "You space sick or something?"

"Me? Ha! I'm Victor Creed, Sabertooth! I don't get..." Sabertooth got a very unpleasant look on his face. "...sick..."

"Uh huh," Pyro gave him a look. "Just try not to throw up, will ya?"

"I wish I could throw up," Mastermind moaned looking somewhat green. "But I have already thrown up so much lately I don't think there's anything left in my stomach to throw up!"

"Don't worry, mates. I'll see if I can find some sickie bags," Pyro said floating off.

"What?" Piotr turned and saw Pyro disappear through an opening in the ceiling. "Wait, come back here!"

"Yeah," Remy shouted as he and Piotr chased after him. "And don't even think of making any fires!"

"Wahooo!" Pyro chirped happily while flying around an open, cylindrical space. Rows of compact, high-tech lockers, instruments and equipment were securely positioned inside it.

"Amazing," Piotr blinked as Remy illuminated the area with his flashlight. "What kind of rocket is this?"

"This isn't a rocket," Remy studied the area. "It must be the payload carried by the rocket."

"Oh," Piotr nodded. "So this is a spacecraft to the moon? Or the space shuttle?"

"I don't think it's either," Remy said gazing around. "It looks more like part of a space station."

"Hey, look what I found!" Pyro called out having opened one of the lockers.

"What is it? Did you find some barf bags?" Remy asked.

"Nope, they're some neat little patches," Pyro reported. "They've all got the same name embroidered on them though: Skylab."

"It fits," Remy quipped glancing at the various scientific equipment around them. "Hmmm, let's see what else is packed aboard this thing."

"Oh no," Piotr moaned as Remy began snooping through the lockers. "Stop! We are not taking anything from here!"

"But it's fun!" Pyro grinned slipping the patches into his uniform. "We'll be able to say that we robbed a space station!"

"I prefer to say that we're engaging in a little 'unofficial requisition'," Remy smirked as he worked. "But you gotta admit this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity."

"More like an opportunity to be sentenced for a lifetime if anyone ever finds out," Piotr groaned. "Which may happen if we continue to stay here. What do we do if we are discovered by the crew?"

"What crew? I haven't seen any crew," Pyro shrugged.

"Kinda hard to see anything in here," Remy glanced up at a hatch located at the top of the cylinder. "Hey Mastermind. Can you sense the location of the station's crew?"

"The only mental signatures I'm detecting are the five of us," Mastermind mumbled miserably. "Which are four signatures too many!"

"Oooooo," Sabertooth tumbled by looking very queasy.

"See? There's no crew aboard," Remy grinned at Piotr. "Which means we have the whole place to ourselves! No rules, no worries, no witnesses..."

"Yay!" Pyro cheered and began doing backwards somersaults.

"No sanity," Piotr groaned realizing the futility of his situation. "Just please promise that you will not take anything important. Or anything that will be needed when a crew finally does come aboard."

"You got it, _homme_," Remy winked at him. "Hey, is it getting hot in here?

"Yes, I think so," Piotr tugged at his frock coat. "Is that dangerous?"

"Na. The station is probably just being heated by the sun," Remy waved. "What kind of problem could that be?"

"If you say so," Piotr sighed.

"Wahooo!" Pyro giggled as he continued his microgravity aerobics. "Look at me! I'm the first mutant to do a backflip in space! I'm the first mutant to do the mambo in space!

"How would you like to be the first mutant to die in space?" Sabertooth snapped grumpily. His stomach made several strange gurgling noises. "That is if I don't die first. Ohhh..."

"Hey! Somebody help me!" Mastermind yelped as he lost his grip on the metal grid and began floundering in the middle of the compartment. He helplessly tried to get back to the deck. "I can't move!"

"No...stop moving," Sabertooth whimpered.

"Yeah, yeah. In a minute," Remy waved absently. "So are you gonna help look for souvenirs, Piotr?

"No," Piotr sighed. "I think I will just go back and look out the window until we can leave. Though I would like another sketchbook."

"If I find one I'll let you know," Remy smiled. "Have fun!"

"Wheeeeee!" Pyro whooped while running laps around the ceiling.

"Stop it! You're shaking the station!" Mastermind yelled.

"Hey, something else has separated from the station," Piotr reported looking out window. "It appears to be some kind of metal shroud."

"WHAT?!" Mastermind wailed. "OH NO! THE ENTIRE STATION IS FALLING APART! SABERTOOTH REALLY DID BREAK IT!"

"I DID NOT!" Sabertooth shouted. "Gluuub!"

"Alright, food!" Remy cheered opening a freezer. "Who wants ice cream and butter cookies?"

"YAHOOOOOO!" Pyro laughing happily while dancing in midair.

"Being on this space station has taught me one thing," Piotr sighed while admiring the tranquil view of the Earth slowly rotating below him. "Never lose your sense of humor!"

* * *

><p><strong>Historical notes: Skylab was the <strong>**United States****' first space station which orbited Earth from 1973 A.D. to 1979 A.D. The station was damaged during launch when the micrometeoroid shield separated from the workshop and tore away, taking one of the two main solar panel arrays with it. While the shield is believed to have separated due to intense vibrations during launch, the exact reason for the accident has never "officially" been determined.**

**Skylab was launched on the last Saturn V rocket to fly, the most powerful operational rocket ever built.**

**"Never lose your sense of humor" was a motto of the Skylab II crew.**


	28. Safe and Sorry

**Safe and Sorry**

"Gahhh!" Remy yelped as the Acolytes landed in the next time period in an unceremonious heap. "Oh look. The gravity's back."

"Thank goodness," Piotr sighed gratefully.

"Aw," Pyro pouted. "But I was having so much fun flying around the space station! I didn't even get a chance do it wearing only my underwear."

"Hello ground my old friend. I am so happy to see you," Mastermind spoke to the floor in an unusually high voice. "I missed you sooo **much**! So very, very much!" He started kissing it.

"I'll miss seeing how everything looked turned upside-down," Remy said looking around. The Acolytes had appeared in the middle of a neat, library-like office with several curtained windows and a small fireplace. "I was kinda getting used to it."

"It does feel strange being back on Earth again," Piotr blinked testing his arms. "I feel sort of heavy and uncomfortable."

GRUMBLE!

"Speaking of which," A very sick looking Sabertooth held his stomach. "OUTTA MY WAY!"

"Though not as uncomfortable as that," Piotr winced as Sabertooth tore open a window, stuck his head out and proceeded to throw up. "So, where did we end up this time?"

"Just a minute," Remy said as the Acolytes slowly got to their feet and waited for one of the machine's screens to finish clearing up. "Okay, here." Remy showed the screen to his teammates. It read:

**June 27, 1907 A.D.****  
><strong>**Dublin****, ****Ireland**

"Hey, neat!" Pyro cheered. "I always wanted to come here!"

"Really?" Piotr raised an eyebrow. "Is it because you like Irish food, Irish music, Irish writers and Irish culture?"

"Na," Pyro waved. "It's because I always wanted to find a big ol' bog o' peat and set the whole bloody thing on fire! I hear peat fires can burn **indefinitely**! Even underground! HAHAHAHAHA!"

"I should have known," Piotr groaned.

"Huh, we didn't travel as far in time as we did the last several jumps," Remy noted studying the screen. "Maybe the machine is finally starting to home in on getting us back home."

"Thank goodness!" Mastermind gasped slumping into a large office chair. "After almost getting killed in the past few time periods we could really use a break! And to think being in the trenches of the First World War was probably the most **peaceful** of the lot!"

"To most of us anyway," Remy winced at the sounds of Sabertooth continuing to retch his guts out.

"At least this seems to be a nice quiet place," Piotr carefully peaked out a window. Outside was a wide stone courtyard surrounded by a series of connected Georgian-style buildings. The battlements of a short round medieval tower rose slightly above them. "It will give us a chance to rest and have a break."

"Thank goodness," Mastermind sighed. "All I want to do right now is keel over and take a nap. For about the next three months!"

"Whaddya talking about? This is no time to have a kip!" Pyro chirped heading for the door. "Let's go and try to find a big bog o' peat!"

"Oh no you don't!" Mastermind snapped. "We are all staying here until the machine finishes cooling down!"

"Fine, you all stay here. I'm going out," Pyro waved. "See ya!"

"Not so fast, _homme_," Remy grabbed him by the collar and dragged him away from the door. "You did enough damage the last time we let you run around among the locals."

"No kidding," Mastermind grumbled. "I do not recall there ever being a great fire of Dublin and don't want to find out!"

"But...but..." Pyro protested.

"You want to be trapped in a frozen Arctic illusion surrounded by nothing but ice and snow?" Mastermind's eyes glowed threateningly.

"Aw, okay," Pyro reluctantly gave in.

"That's better," Remy let go of his collar.

"I do have a question about our behavior," Piotr spoke up. "We seem to have a very inconsistent policy of how we act towards people in various time periods. Sometimes we interact with them and sometimes we hide. Shouldn't we be trying to hide all the time so we do not accidentally end up changing the past?"

"Aw, come on, Colossus," Pyro waved. "Where's the fun in that?"

"We are not here to have fun!" Mastermind snapped. "What we are here for I have no idea!"

"We do **try** to prevent from being seen by the locals," Remy pointed out. "We just fail sometimes."

"More like fail a **lot**," Mastermind grumbled.

"And sometimes it just can't be helped," Remy continued. "The machine drops us off all disoriented with no clue about what's going on in each time period. We need somebody to provide us with information so we can regain our strength and make it out in one piece."

"And provide us with lots of souvenirs," Pyro piped up.

"That too," Remy smirked.

"Of course," Piotr sighed. "I admit there are some times when we need to interact with the locals. But once we are done why can't Mastermind wipe their memories of ever meeting us?"

"Well that's because..." Remy began before thinking for a second. "Hey, why **can't** you wipe the locals' memories of us?"

"You really think it is that easy?" Mastermind snapped. "Wiping someone's mind isn't like erasing a chalkboard you know. It takes skilled, delicate precision to alter a specific set of memories without turning one's brain into a vegetable. Besides, I am an illusionist, not a full telepath. I can fabricate, alter and suppress memories. Erasing them completely is beyond my capabilities."

"Oh," Piotr blinked. "I did not know that. Wait, why could you not just fabricate, alter or suppress somebody's memories after they have seen us?"

"Because we've never had the time!" Mastermind threw up his hands. "It's hard to alter the memories of multiple people simultaneously. Besides, those who have seen us probably have not made that much of a difference anyway."

"Man has a point," Remy admitted. "Still, you could work harder at hiding our appearances when we decide not to interact with people. Or even when we do interact with them."

"And you could work harder at not robbing people blind and flirting with every pretty face that catches your eye!" Mastermind snapped. "How's **that** helping to not change the past?"

"I prefer to think of it as a learning experience," Remy grinned wiggling his eyebrows. "And I'm a very visual and 'hands-on' learner if you get my drift."

"Oh geeze," Mastermind groaned.

"This is boring," Pyro complained while repositioning his pack. "I don't wanna spend the whole time here just standing around yabbering."

"How about spending the whole time being **quiet**?" Mastermind snapped. "I don't care how bored you are. Do you think we are nothing more than a cheap source of random entertainment?"

"Yeah," Remy added. "We're not here just to be a public source of antics and amusement."

"Though I have to admit, it does sometimes feel that way," Piotr commented.

"Well yeah, but that's besides the point...hello," Remy spotted a squat, solid black safe tucked in a secluded part of the office. "Look what we have here!"

"Oh no," Piotr groaned. "Do not even think about it!"

"Okay, I won't think about it. I'll just do it," Remy grinned kneeling down to inspect the safe. "Hmmm. Ratner safe. Multi-layered. Tempered steel. Seven lever dual control lock. A classic."

"That's nice," Pyro said. "Can you open it?"

"Well, I dunno," Remy calmly got out some lockpicks. "I'm not used to these old-fashioned style safes. They're simple, but tough. And it does have two keyholes..."

"Oh dear. Too bad. What a shame," Piotr said quickly. "No point in trying to break in. Let us go back to waiting for the machine to finish cooling down and..."

"Done," Remy finished clicking the lock's levers into place.

"What?" Piotr blinked. "But how did you...?"

"Hey, I'm Remy Lebeau," Remy gave him a look while sliding back the bolts. "You really think a blocky safe like this would stop **me**?"

"If only," Piotr groaned.

"Now let's see what we have here," Remy grinned and carefully opened the safe's door. He reached inside and pulled out a small leather box. He opened it to reveal a pair of bright, palm-sized, heavily jeweled insignia. One was shaped like an eight-pointed star and the other a round badge. Both were composed of hundreds of tiny precious stones consisting of diamonds, emeralds, rubies and silver. "Hey, not bad!"

"Ooo!" Pyro's mouth went all round at the jewels. "Now those are what I call souvenirs! Are you going to keep 'em both for yourself?"

"Na, I think they'll make a nice present for a certain lovely _chérie's _birthday," Remy grinned knowingly. "Let's see what else is lying around in here."

"Oh no," Piotr moaned as Remy pulled out several intricately decorated gold collars. "We are not taking anything in there as souvenirs!"

"Why not?" Pyro smiled slipping on one of the collars. "They go really well with our outfits. And look, there's one for each of us!"

"Finally, a souvenir that is actually **worth** something," Mastermind said picking out a collar.

"And these babies are certainly worth a lot," Remy smirked picking one for himself. He held the remaining two collars up. "Which one do you want Piotr?"

"Neither. I will not steal anything from here," Piotr declared folding his arms

"That's okay, I'll 'steal' it for you," Remy grinned slipping the pair of jewels and collars into his trench coat. "Looks like Sabes gets the last one."

"The last what?" Sabertooth asked looming over his shoulder.

"Hey Sabes. Finally done being sick?" Pyro asked.

"I was not sick," Sabertooth growled. "My stomach was just a little...upset. Must have been something I ate."

"Sure it was," Remy rolled his eyes.

"It was something I ate!" Sabertooth snapped quickly. "I'm not used to eating all this rotten, old-fashioned food."

"Unlike all the old-fashioned **alcohol** you keep chugging every place we go," Mastermind snapped. "Though seeing what we've been through I really can't blame you!"

"Whatever," Sabertooth growled. "Hey, nice loot." He grabbed the last gold collar and jammed it into his coat. "Now let's get outta here!"

"The machine's still cooling down," Remy reported as he prepared to carefully relock the safe. "It might take a while."

"Tell the machine to take its time," Mastermind sighed. "I am going to enjoy this rare moment of peace and quiet while I have the chance."

"I will go shut the window Sabertooth left open," Piotr said moving off.

"Good idea. Don't want someone to find any evidence that we've been in here," Remy nodded wiping away their fingerprints.

"That is because we will be taking all the evidence with us," Piotr groaned indicating the purloined collars and insignia. "You know that sooner or later someone will discover those things are missing."

"Oh come on, Piotr," Remy smirked patting his pockets. "Out of all the famous and legendary jewelry in the world, who will ever end up missing a few little pieces like these?"

* * *

><p><strong>Historical note: The Irish Crown Jewels were a set of heavily jeweled insignia of the Order of St. Patrick kept in <strong>**Dublin** **Castle****. They were last seen on June 11, 1907 A.D. and were discovered missing on July 6, 1907 A.D. The jewels were never recovered. While various theories have been proposed over the years, the identity of the jewel thief or thieves has never "officially" been determined.**


	29. The Art of Looking for Trouble

**The Art of Looking for Trouble**

"I am really getting sick of this," Mastermind groaned upon arriving in the next time period. "Is it just me or are these jumps getting way too repetitive?"

"I think you got a point _homme_," Remy blinked while waiting for his senses to recover. "We seem to be stuck in the same basic situation doing the same basic motions over and over and over..."

"Sounds like a worn out plot line on a broken record to me," Sabertooth grunted.

"Or a one-trick pony with a bad case of writer's block," Pyro added.

"As much as I enjoy this enlightening little exchange of idioms," Mastermind interrupted. "Can someone please tell me what fresh nightmare we ended up in?"

"Shhh, please keep your voice down," Piotr shushed while carefully peeking out from behind a long curtain. The Acolytes had appeared in a small alcove near a stage located inside a fairly crowded meeting hall.

"Okay, what the heck are these people waiting for?" Mastermind asked looking over the crowd. All appeared to be white, well-off men. "Are they going to have a banquet or something?"

"I hope so," Pyro licked his lips. "I'm hungry!"

"Me too," Sabertooth's stomach growled. "When's lunch around here?"

"Let us find out more before we do anything," Piotr advised. "What does the machine say?"

"Just a second...ah, okay," Remy watched as random numbers and symbols disappeared from one of the machine's screens. He read out its now legible contents:

**August 19, 1853 A.D.****  
><strong>**New York****, ****New York**

"New York, New York," Pyro repeated. "Hey, isn't that a song?"

"Don't even think about it!" Sabertooth hissed threateningly.

"So much for the machine getting us closer to home," Mastermind grumbled.

"Look, something is happening," Piotr said as a well-dressed man appeared on stage.

"Gentlemen, thank you for coming," The man stated standing behind a small podium. "My name is James W. Barker and this meeting of the Order of the Star-Spangled Banner will now come to order."

"Star-Spangled Banner?" One man shouted out from the crowd. "I thought we were calling ourselves the American Republican Party."

"I thought this was the Order of United Americans," Another man scratched his head.

"It is. And we are. For now," Barker said. "We are supposed to be a secret political society, but we've come to be so secret that our own lodge chapters and council members don't know exactly who we even are."

"I'll say," Another man grunted. "I've never seen you or heard your name before in my life."

"That is the purpose of this meeting. To unite ourselves under one banner and choose a new name for our society once and for all!" Barker declared. "Are there any suggestions from the floor?"

"How about the Native American Party?" Someone spoke up. "Since we are supposed to be Nativists."

"That's a **terrible** name!" Barker snapped. "It makes us sound like a group of American Indians instead of the true, native sons of America that we are!"

"Aren't American Indians the **real** natives of America?" A man from the crowd asked. "After all, they were here first."

"That's not important!" Barker shouted. "What's important is choosing a great name for our society that describes exactly who we are."

"Okay, how about we just shorten it to the American Party?" Another man suggested.

"That's even **worse**!" Barker declared. "It makes us sound like we're open to everyone. Well we're **not**! We don't want any lowly Catholics or immigrants within our ranks."

"Why not? My grandfather was an immigrant," One man pointed out.

"Yes, what's wrong with Catholics?" Another man asked.

"Don't you pay any attention at our meetings?" Barker snapped. "Catholics are dangerous, illegal voters who follow orders directly from the Pope in Rome. They care nothing about free, republican and American values!"

"Wasn't the state of Maryland originally founded by and for Catholics?" One man spoke up.

"And isn't freedom of religion a right guaranteed by the U.S. Constitution?" Another man pointed out.

"It doesn't matter!" Barker banged his fist on the podium. "We must stop Catholics from destroying this country before it's too late! And we can do that by preventing any more immigrants from entering the country!"

"Aren't **all** Americans immigrants in some way?" A man from the crowd asked.

"Or descendants of immigrants?" Another man added.

"The United States is a nation of immigrants," A third man said. "Are you saying **we** are the ones helping to destroy the country? And that you are our leader?"

"STOP QUESTIONING ME!" Barker roared. "You all took an **oath** when you joined this order! You swore you believed in God and would willing obey all dictates of the order without question!"

"How does that make you any different from the Pope?" One man shouted.

"ARRRGGGHHH!" Barker screamed. "Silence! We are the defenders of the United States! We are against all Catholics, immigrants, Irish, Germans..."

"Wait, what?" Several men shouted. "**I'm** Irish! Nobody told me about this!"

"And my whole family is German!" More men yelled in indignation. "Or of German descent!"

"What do you have against Irish and Germans anyway?" Half the crowd appeared on the verge of mutiny.

"Because most arriving immigrants are Irish or Germans," Barker yelled back. "**Catholic** Irish or Germans and therefore should not be allowed to hold power!"

"Wait, this whole party is based on preventing Catholics from having any power?" Everyone stared at Barker.

"YES!" Barker shouted. "We don't care who lives here, where they come from or what religion they are just as long as **we're** the ones who are in power and can con, bribe, threaten or blackmail all the other suckers out there to vote for us!"

"Oh, well that's okay then," The crowd calmed down.

"Thank goodness," Barker sighed. "Now that **that's** over with, let's get back to the issue at hand and come up with a new name for our society."

"How about something along the lines of the old names?" One man spoke up. "Like the Star Order of the Banner?"

"Or the Sacred Order Brotherhood?" Another man suggested.

"Or the Sons of Oligarchy and Bald eagles?" A third man ventured.

"Oligarchy and Bald eagles?" A bald, wealthy-looking man gave him a look.

"It was all I could come up with," The man shrugged.

"Gentlemen, those are all...uh...original suggestions," Barker coughed. "Unfortunately, their initials can all be shorted to the same three-letter acronym which we really don't want to be known by."

"Oh, good point," The first man blinked.

"Any more suggestions," Barker looked over the assembly. "Anyone?"

"Um...um...uh..." The crowd thought for a minute.

"Oh geeze," Sabertooth growled. "This is the dumbest group of idiots I have ever seen. And I'm used to hanging around with you fools!"

"Yeah, the one thing you can say about these blokes is that they all know nothing," Pyro agreed.

"That's it!" A sharp-eared man from the crowd stood up in excitement. "That's what we'll call ourselves! The Know-Nothings!"

"Huh?" Barker blinked. "Are you **serious**?"

"Think about it. It's perfect!" The man grinned. "We're supposed to be a secret society, right? What's more secret than a group that people know nothing about? And if any of us are ever asked about it we can truthfully reply by saying 'I know nothing'!"

"Hmmm, you have a point there," Barker mulled the idea over for a minute. "Yes. I like it! Okay. From now on this society and all of its members will hereafter be known as the Know-Nothings!"

"YAY!" Everyone in the crowd stood up and cheered. "WE KNOW NOTHING! WE KNOW NOTHING! WE KNOW NOTHING!"

"You can say that again," Mastermind shook his head at the sight.

"That's the most appropriate name for a political party I have ever heard," Remy quipped. "And the most accurate."

"No kidding," Pyro giggled.

"I can not believe some people really acted this way," Piotr peeked out at the crowd. "It is almost like the stance many people have against mutants."

"You have a point," Mastermind said. "All the more reason to leave. Is the machine finished cooling down?"

"Yeah, it's ready," Remy checked a display. "Let's get outta here."

"About time," Sabertooth growled. "The next place we stop better have something to eat!"

"Yeah," Pyro agreed as Remy prepared to activate the machine. "And access to some dunnies."

"Just as long it doesn't have any more **dummies**," Mastermind grumbled. "We already have way too many as it is!"

* * *

><p>"Great, <strong>now<strong> where are we?" Sabertooth grunted shaking his head.

"I don't know, but it sure is fancy," Pyro blinked at their surroundings. The Acolytes had appeared in a well-furnished office complete with a large leather-bound desk, Empire-style sofa and ornate wooden furniture. "Even Mags doesn't have an office this nice."

"Considering the last exploding yogurt fight that happened in there it would have to be," Remy quipped.

"Oh geeze, don't remind me," Mastermind moaned rubbing his neck. "I never knew frozen yogurt could end up leaving those kinds of scars. Wait a second...what do you mean the **last** fight?"

"Don't ask," Sabertooth groaned. "Just don't ask."

"O-kay," Mastermind blinked. "Past Thing I Don't Know About and Don't Want to Know About Number 72."

"I thought Number 72 was how Sabertooth's feet look and smell when he forgets to apply foot cream," Remy commented.

"No, that was just a Thing in general," Mastermind explained. "This is a Past Thing."

"Ah, got it," Remy nodded.

"Hey, this is fun!" Pyro giggled while jumping on the sofa. "Look at me! I can almost touch the ceiling!"

"Get off there!" Piotr ran over and dragged Pyro away. "Before you break it!"

"Awww, why not?" Pyro pouted. "Is it better to break something when it's brand new or after it becomes an antique?"

"It is better not to break it at **all**," Piotr groaned. "Too bad I can not say the same for my nerves."

"Preaching to the choir here," Mastermind grumbled. "Has the machine finished clearing up yet?"

"Yeah, it just did," Remy confirmed glancing down at a screen. He showed it to his teammates. It read:

**June 27, 1919 A.D.****  
><strong>**Paris****, ****France**

"Oh thank goodness!" Mastermind sighed in relief. "Finally a decent, civilized place in a safe, modern period of time! Well, relatively modern anyway."

"Yeah, you can tell by all the un-walled public urinals in the streets," Sabertooth snorted peering out a window. "And people say I'm disgusting!"

"We do seem to have gotten lucky this time," Piotr noted. "We could have appeared out there in front of a large crowd of people. Instead we arrived here where it is nice and quiet where no one will bother us."

"Hold on. Someone's coming," Sabertooth cocked his head to the side.

"Me and my big mouth," Piotr groaned.

"What do we do? There's no place to hide," Pyro fugitively looked around.

"Shhh! Just stay still and be quiet!" Mastermind snapped as his eyes began to glow.

"Ah, what a beautiful day!" The door opened and a dark haired, middle age man wearing a sharp morning suit and lounge coat entered the room. "It's the kind of day that makes you feel alive, right Perkins?"

"Yes sir, Mr. Blithe," A younger man shuffled behind him carrying a massive armload of papers.

"And what a day it is," Blithe smiled taking in his apparently empty office save for him and his assistant. "After months of negotiations we are finally about to sign the treaty that will signal an end to the Great War. Make sure to have my best suit cleaned and shoes polished before we go to the signing ceremony at Versailles."

"I will sir," Perkins closed the door and hobbled to the desk before dropping the enormous heap of papers onto it. "Sir, you still have a pile of correspondence from congressmen and senators who have major issues about the treaty. Don't you think you should answer them?"

"Why should I? I'm an official diplomat of the United States," Blithe scoffed. "I don't have time to bother with such ponderous bureaucratic minutiae. That's what assistants like you are for."

"But sir they have real concerns about the treaty," Perkins said holding up some papers. "Like Article 8 which would prohibit the increased production of military armaments and threaten out ability to defend ourselves."

"A minor detail," Blithe waved absently. "The Great War is over. Why would we ever need to fight another one?"

"What about Article 10?" Perkins read from another sheet of paper. "Which would give the new League of Nations the power to decide whether the United States goes to war instead of Congress, thus surrendering US independence."

"It's the price of peace," Blithe shrugged. "Besides, didn't I just say there would never be another war?"

"Then there is the organization of the League," Perkins continued. "Under the given membership structure Britain would effectively have six seats on the council while the United States and other countries would only have one."

"So Britain would have more voting power than us. That's no need to worry," Blithe said. "Everyone knows there is only one way to procure votes and that's money!"

"And there are other articles that would limit the United States' interpretation and implementation of the Monroe Doctrine," Perkins pointed out.

"I don't even know what that is," Blithe yawned. "And even if I did it couldn't be very important."

"What about Articles 296, 297 and other annexes that may approve **illegal** **actions** and **violations** of the rights of United States' citizens as defined by the U.S. Constitution?" Perkins practically yelled.

"Eh, so what?" Blithe casually brushed him off. "Like the government has ever worried about doing stuff like **that** before? Or ever will?"

Perkins just stared at him for a moment. "Sir, have you even **read** the treaty?"

"Of course **not**!" Blithe snorted. "It's over two hundred pages long! Why would I ever waste my time doing something as boring and tedious as that?"

"Why indeed?" Perkins groaned.

"Oh my," Piotr whispered as the Acolytes remained undetected due to Mastermind's illusions. "This is kind of disturbing."

"I'll say," Remy agreed. "What kind of guy is this?"

"A no-load, cookie-cutting diplo-dink," Sabertooth growled as Blithe calmly took out a cigar and lit it. "He's practically a living satire of a real man...ah...ah!" Sabertooth sniffed at the smoke and ash from Blithe's cigar. "Ah...ah...AAACCCHOOOOOOOOO!"

"Ahhh!" Perkins yelped as the entire pile of papers flew into the air from Sabertooth's sneeze.

"Good heavens!" Blithe leaped back in shock. "Give a man some warning before you undertake a sternutation like that, Perkins."

"But sir, that wasn't me," Perkins protested as he tried to gather up the papers.

"Well it certainly wasn't me," Blithe sniffed. "And if it wasn't you then who was...?" He trailed off as a drifting paper caught his eye. "Hmmm, what is this?" He plucked it out of the air and scanned it.

"What is what, sir?" Perkins asked.

"This treaty article. Number 275," Blithe read the paper's contents out loud. "Blah, blah, blah...'to respect any law, or any administrative or judicial decision given in conformity with such law'...blah, blah, blah...'defining or regulating the right to any regional appellation in respect of wine or spirits produced in the State to which the region belongs, or the conditions under which the use of any such appellation may be permitted; and the importation, exportation, manufacture, distribution, sale or offering for sale of products or articles bearing regional appellations inconsistent with such law or order shall be prohibited.' What in the world does that mean?"

"Oh that," Perkins said. "It is nothing sir. It barely affects us. It is a minor article that would just ban the production and sale of champagne.

"WHAT?!" Blithe yelled.

"Well, not exactly," Perkins corrected. "It would only let France produce, market and sell champagne. Anything else would be illegal."

"WHAT?!" Blithe shouted. "HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!"

"Well, champagne production has dropped considerably due to the Champagne region being right on the front lines during the war," Perkins explained. "The French just want to protect an iconic part of their culture."

"Well what about all the champagne produced in America using the same grapes and methods as the French?" Blithe protested.

"Sorry sir. Champagne will be designated a brand name and any other labels such as Californian Champagne will be deemed illegal under international law," Perkins said.

"WHAT?! THAT'S RIDICULOUS!" Blithe howled. "America has as much right to produce champagne and call it as such as any bubbling wine producer in France! Why France wouldn't even **have** any wine producers if it wasn't for them importing American vines back in the 70's and 80's! Grape louses nearly destroyed all of Europe's grapes and vineyards until American vines were used because American vines are immune!"

"Aren't grape louses **indigenous** to the Americas?" Perkins asked. "And only appeared in Europe after hitching a ride on imported American vines in the **first** place?"

"That's not important," Blithe waved heatedly. "What's important is that a vital American interest is being threatened! The President must be urged not to sign the treaty!"

"What?" Perkins blinked. "But sir, the signing ceremony is tomorrow!"

"Then there's no time to lose!" Blithe declared. "Call Henry Lodge! Call the governor of California! The United States must never sign that treaty!"

"Well I'm sure many congressmen and senators will be happy with your sudden change of mind," Perkins blinked. "But isn't opposition to the treaty due to it restricting champagne production seem just a little silly?"

"NEVER!" Blithe howled pounding his fist on the desk. "We may give away American sovereignty, American security and basic American rights, but one thing we'll **never** do is give away Americans' ability to make alcohol!"

"Well the Eighteenth Amendment was recently ratified," Perkins pointed out. "And I understand there have been attempts to pass a National Prohibition Act..."

"That will never happen!" Blithe declared passionately. "America will never allow any foreign power to set limits on her alcohol-production industry! Alcohol is one of the basic foundations that makes America great! Why else would the Star-Spangled Banner be set to the tune of an old **drinking** song?"

"Really? That explains a lot," Perkins noted.

"The United States will never stand for this brazen assault on her liberty!" Blithe roared. "What's next, will Americans suddenly be prohibited from making and selling bourbon?"

"Well Bourbon is the name of a famous French dynasty so..." Perkins began.

"This is war! War I tell you!" Blithe yelled running out of the room. "CHARGE!"

"Oh no! Not again!" Perkins groaned chasing after him. "Sir! Stop! Come back! NO! SIR PLEASE PUT DOWN THE FIRE IRON!"

CRASH!

The Acolytes stood in the once-tidy office for a minute. "Well, that was interesting," Remy finally broke the silence.

"That's one way to put it," Mastermind groaned.

"Wow, I had no idea such major decisions were based around booze," Pyro blinked. "Now I know."

"And knowing is why so many diplomats are alcoholics," Remy quipped.

"Big surprise," Sabertooth snorted.

"This is disappointing," Piotr signed shaking his head. "How can some people be so careless and inefficient when it comes to doing their jobs?"

"'Cause they work for the government," Pyro said. "Duh."

"Well, maybe a few people do," Piotr admitted. "But I am sure a truly great and respected government body would never act in such a wild and irresponsible manner."

* * *

><p>One time jump later...<p>

"You were saying?" Remy gave Piotr a look.

"Never mind," Piotr groaned holding his head. "I should have known better than to say something like that."

"It's okay. We all make mistakes sometimes," Remy quipped as the Acolytes gazed down from the gallery at the fight raging on the floor of the United States House of Representatives.

"You fatuous arrogant puppy!" One red faced congressman howled throwing a punch.

"Spineless snollygoster!" Another congressman yelled while strangling another.

"DIE!" A pair of elderly congressmen wrestled around as they tried to stab each other with fountain pens.

"Behold the joys of the democratic process," Remy quipped as the Sergeant-at-Arms wielded the House Mace in an attempt to restore order only to get punched out. "Nothing like the sight of a dynamic, physically active Congress."

"It makes government a lot more entertaining that's for sure," Pyro smiled watching the melee. "Hey, five will get you ten that long nosed bloke gives the funny-haired one a black eye."

"You're on," Sabertooth grinned. "Come on bub! Hit him where it hurts!"

"Oh what the heck? Wipe the floor with him!" Mastermind cheered.

"Excuse me, **I** would like to place a wager or two on the outcome," A nearby well-dressed onlooker said.

"Me too!" Another gallery member added holding up some money.

"You got it mates!" Pyro beamed happily. "Step right up people! Hurry while it lasts!"

"I can not stand it," Piotr groaned as the mutants proceeded to collect and make bets on the fight raging below. "This has been the most disgraceful, chaotic, ridiculous tour of personal, moral and public ineptitude I have ever seen."

"Well, duh," Remy smirked giving him a look. "It's **politics**!"

* * *

><p><strong>Historical notes: The Know Nothing Party was an American political party that operated in the mid to late 1850's A.D. It originated as a secret society based on anti-Catholicism, Republicanism and Nativism and for a time was the second largest political party in the <strong>**United States****. While various theories have been proposed over the years, the exact origin of the term "Know-Nothing" has never "officially" been determined.**

**The Treaty of ****Versailles**** was a peace treaty that officially ended World War I between Imperial ****Germany**** and the Allied Powers. Although the ****United States**** signed the treaty, the Senate refused to ratify it and the ****United States**** never joined the ****League of Nations****. The ****United States**** signed a separate peace treaty with ****Germany**** on ****August 25, 1921 A.D.**** and ratified it on ****November 11, 1921 A.D.**

**A full-scale brawl broke out in the early morning of ****February 6, 1858 A.D.**** on the floor of the ****U.S.**** House of Representatives. The fight began between Congressman Laurence Keitt of ****South Carolina**** and Congressman Galusha Grow of ****Pennsylvania**** and would eventually involve over 30 members of Congress. Fighting ended when the wig of Congressman William Barksdale of ****Mississippi**** was knocked off and replaced backwards, causing everyone to dissolve into spontaneous laughter.**


	30. I Challenge You to

**I Challenge You to...**

"Oh my gosh, it's cold!" Mastermind yelped in shock at the unexpected transition.

"It's not cold, it's **freezing**!" Pyro whimpered hugging himself. "Somebody turn up the bloody heat...yahhhhhh!" He yelped as he nearly lost his footing.

"I have you!" Piotr grabbed him while struggling to keep his balance. "Ahhh, stop squirming!"

"Yikes!" Remy barely managed to steady himself as a hard gust of wind nearly knocked him over. He looked down and saw the Acolytes had appeared at the top of a tall, impressive looking building with a tiled, sweeping pyramid hip roof. The building itself was in the center of a large palace-like complex. "What the heck?"

"Oh my," Piotr gazed in awe at the vast, snow covered steppe stretching out as far as the eye could see. A cluster of small, elegant East Asian-style buildings lay just outside the complex including temples, storehouses and pagodas. The entire city was enclosed by a stout, multi-towered earthen wall with yurts dotted amongst the interior fields. Above it all stretched a seemingly endless expanse of blue sky. "This is amazing!"

"This is **ridiculous**!" Mastermind snapped while shivering uncontrollably. "We are stuck on the top of a lousy building in the middle of absolutely nowhere!"

"I really hate that stupid time machine," Sabertooth growled.

"But look at the sky," Piotr said gazing upward. "So big and beautiful and clear. It reminds me of home."

"Who cares about the sky?" Remy's teeth chattered. "Let's find a way down and get a fire going before we all freeze to death!"

"Fire, good idea!" Pyro gasped readying his flamethrowers. "Here I go...aaahhhhhh!" He slipped on a patch of ice and fell backwards.

"Hey, look out!" Mastermind yelped as Pyro caused the rest of the Acolytes to lose their balance. "Gahhhhhh!"

"Oh no...aggghhh!" Piotr shouted as they all fell over and began tumbling down the roof. "Ouch! I can not stop!"

"I have snow down my shirt!" Remy yelled.

"Somebody do something!" Mastermind wailed.

"Let go of me you idiots!" Sabertooth snapped as the Acolytes instinctively grabbed on to each other for support. He grabbed the end of the eave as they all flew off the roof, spun down and headed directly into a wall.

CRASH!

SMASH!

THUD!

"Ohhh," Mastermind moaned as the Acolytes landed in a heap. "Why is everybody always falling on me? Ooo..."

"I think I broke my spleen," Pyro warbled. "Hey, it's a lot warmer now."

"Great, maybe we can rest here and thaw out," Remy moaned wiggling his hands. A sharp poke in the neck caused him to stop. "Or not."

"Uh oh," Piotr gulped looking up at a group of heavily armed guards holding very sharp swords to the mutants' throats. The Acolytes had fallen into the middle of a wide open room just to the side of an open, roaring fire pit. Bright banners and tapestries hung on the walls while fine, thick carpets covered the floor. Several dozen men and women lounged on low couches around the edges of the room with low tables situated before them.

"This isn't good," Pyro eyed the guards nervously.

"Says you," Sabertooth growled. "I'm taking these clowns out!"

"Please don't," Mastermind gulped. "You will survive but those of us without healing factors might not. Especially me!"

"That's a risk I'm willing to **take**," Sabertooth grinned readying his claws.

"_Энэ утга учир юу вэ?_" A compact, barrel-chested man boomed over them. He had iron grey hair, wore a colorful padded overcoat, fur-lined hat and appeared to be in his mid fifties. His seat was by far the best in the room and he appeared to be some kind of leader. "_Энэ хүмүүс хэн бэ?_"

"Uh, what's that bloke saying?" Pyro asked.

"I have no idea," Piotr looked very confused. "We must have left the translators on too long again."

"He wants to know who we are," Mastermind supplied. "He's speaking Mongolian."

"You speak Mongolian?" Sabertooth stared at him in surprise.

"Obviously," Mastermind said. "I know enough to get by."

"Thank goodness. Cause that's where we are," Remy managed to glance at one of the machine's screens. He carefully relayed its contents to his teammates:

**December 10, 1241 A.D.****  
><strong>**Karakorum****, ****Mongolia**

"Great, we're back to being stuck hundreds of years in the past," Sabertooth groaned.

"You were right," Mastermind moaned. "I **really** hate that time machine!"

One of the guards spoke loudly to the leader. "Pssst, what did he say?" Pyro asked.

"He said we are intruders, possibly assassins and asked the Great Khan if they should kill us," Mastermind translated.

"Tell him no," Remy said quickly.

"Please," Piotr added.

"Oh geeze," Sabertooth rolled his eyes as Mastermind did so. "How cliché can you get?"

The Great Khan looked surprised as Mastermind addressed him in Mongolian. He gestured for the guards to back off slightly before giving him a reply. He looked almost amused.

"Well?" Remy asked.

"He says our presence here alone means death since we failed to give proper notice of our arrival, be searched for weapons or bring tribute," Mastermind told them. "And because we broke his ceiling."

"How the heck were we supposed to give notice of our arrival?" Pyro sputtered. "We didn't even know we'd arrive here!"

"Can you tell him we are sorry?" Piotr suggested.

"I can try," Mastermind carefully did so.

The Great Khan sipped from a large cup and quickly answered back. "He said it doesn't matter since we broke the law and so we are all sentenced to die," Mastermind reported. "But since he is such a humane and generous person he will grant us painless deaths if we give him a great gift or find some way to prove ourselves worthy. I think he only said that last part because he has never seen anyone like us before."

"Nice to know my looks still count for something," Remy quipped.

"Forget that. I'm the one who's going to do the killing around here!" Sabertooth looked ready to pounce.

"There is no need for that," Piotr said quickly. "We just need to stall for time until we can use the machine again."

"That's not a bad idea," Pyro blinked. "Good work, Colossus."

"Grrr," Sabertooth growled. "I still wanna kill something."

"Fine, we'll keep that as Plan B," Remy rolled his eyes. "So, anybody got a gift?"

"How about some of your stupid souvenirs?" Mastermind drawled.

"What?" Remy and Pyro yelped protectively.

"Oh come on. Aren't your lives worth more than a couple possibly priceless pieces of junk?" Mastermind asked sarcastically.

"Uh," Pyro thought for a minute.

"What am I saying?" Mastermind groaned. "Of course they're not!"

"Fine, how about this for proving worthy," Sabertooth grunted pointing at the Great Khan taking another sip from his cup. "Tell that guy I challenge him to a drinking contest!"

"What?" Piotr looked at Sabertooth in shock.

"Are you serious?" Mastermind blinked.

"Hey, you wanted a non-violent solution, I suggested a non-violent solution," Sabertooth growled. "Besides I could really use a drink!"

"Of course," Piotr groaned.

"Well what are you waiting for?" Sabertooth grunted. "Tell him!"

"Okay," Mastermind reluctantly did so.

The Great Khan raised an eyebrow in surprise. Some of the higher-ranking Mongols looked between shocked and furious. "I don't think that went over too well," Remy studied their expressions.

"Too bad," Sabertooth snorted.

The Great Khan stared at Sabertooth as he formed his reply. "He says you must have a gut of iron to make such a bold challenge," Mastermind reported.

"Gut of iron?" Remy skeptically.

"Well, that's not the exact translation," Mastermind coughed. "The Great Khan referred to a much more gender-specifc part of Sabertooth's anatomy."

"Tell him that's more than what he has if he refuses," Sabertooth grinned.

Mastermind carefully translated his response. The Great Khan looked shocked before narrowing his eyes and replying. "He says 'You're on'," Mastermind reported.

"Great!" Sabertooth brushed aside the sword at his throat and stood up. "Let's do this!"

"Oh dear," Piotr groaned as the guards backed off and numerous bottles, barrels and wineskins were brought forth. "Maybe this was not such a good idea after all."

"Ah, come on, Colossus," Pyro waved. "It's Sabertooth for crying out loud. There's no way he can lose."

"Yeah," Remy agreed. "Besides, how long could it possibly take?"

* * *

><p>Two hours later...<p>

"_яахуу!_" The Great Khan laughed as he happily danced on one of the tables while throwing back a drink.

"Yeah!" Sabertooth roared back chugging the last of his cup. Several empty containers lay between them. "Come on! Keep 'em coming!"

"You were saying?" Piotr gave Remy a look.

"Okay, so it's taking a little longer than expected," Remy yawned. Pyro and Mastermind were both curled up on the floor fast asleep. "But it's got to end sooner or later."

"I hope so. This is very boring," Piotr sighed as Sabertooth matched the Great Khan drink for drink. "Is the machine finished cooling down yet?"

"No," Remy checked one of the screens. "It hasn't taken this long in a while."

"Does it still have fuel?" Piotr asked.

"I think so," Remy shrugged. "It hasn't said it's empty yet. Though we will probably have to refuel it soon."

"I gotta admit, I'm starting to like this mare-milk stuff," Sabertooth grinned as he refilled his cup. "It's not too bad. Except for the taste!"

"_Та гадаадын тэнэг!_" The Great Khan slurred drunkenly. "_Та нар Намайг зодож чадахгүй байгаа! Би ялах болно! Би хүчтэй байна! би бол..._" He trailed off and fell off the table backward.

CRASH!

"Ha!" Sabertooth grinned in triumph. "I win!"

"Way to go Sabes," Remy clapped sarcastically. "You showed him."

"You bet I did!" Sabertooth took a victory swig. "Nobody can out-drink me!"

"That's what all alcoholics say," Remy quipped.

"He is going to have one very bad headache when he wakes up," Piotr glanced at the Great Khan's unmoving form. "I hope he will not hold it against us."

"I wouldn't worry about that," Sabertooth snorted. "Since that's never going to happen."

"Huh?" Piotr blinked. "What do you mean?"

"I mean he's dead," Sabertooth gestured at the Great Khan. "Some guys just don't know their limits."

"What?" Remy stared at him in shock. "Are you **serious**?"

Strangled cries suddenly split the air as some of the Mongol women bent over the Great Khan's body. They examined him for a moment before breaking down and wailing.

"You're serious," Remy sighed.

"Auugggh, what's that bloody noise," Pyro winced as he and Mastermind slowly woke from their naps. "Are we drowning or something?"

"Is the drinking contest over?" Mastermind asked groggily.

"It is now," Remy quipped. "Due to one contestant succumbing to a permanent case of self intoxication."

"What?" Mastermind blinked.

"We will explain later," Piotr said. "Let us get out of here."

"Huh? Wait, no way are you getting me out there," Pyro pointed at the doorway. "It's cold!"

"There's no need. The machine's finally done cooling down," Remy glanced at a screen.

"And nobody is going to notice us using it," Mastermind watched as the rest of the Mongols huddled around the still form of their recently departed leader. "Let's go!"

"It figures," Sabertooth cursed joining them. "Right when I was starting to enjoy this place."

"So much for **not** killing anyone while we are here," Piotr sighed as Remy prepared to activate the machine. "I like it better when we save lives instead of ending them."

"I'd like to have my **old** life back, bossy Magneto and all," Mastermind grumbled. "I can't believe I just said that!"

"I'll say this for being in some lost and forgotten part of the world," Remy said right before the machine whisked them away. "We can leave knowing that nothing we do here will ever have any **real** impact on the rest of it."

* * *

><p>PLOOOSSSH!<p>

"Ahhh!" Pyro yelped in surprise and began frantically flailing about. "Auugggh! Not the water! Help! I'm drowning! I'm going under! Save me! NOOOOOO!"

"Pyro, the water is only knee deep," Remy gave him a look.

"So it is," Pyro nonchalantly got to his feet. "Well, this isn't so bad."

Half a dozen sharp spears were suddenly leveled at their throats. "On second thought..." Pyro gulped.

"Oh no, not again," Mastermind groaned finding themselves surrounded by another group of heavily armed guards. The Acolytes had landed in a shallow fountain pool inside a rich, crowded and highly decorative stone residence. Elegant fluted columns rose to support an opulently constructed indoor courtyard adorned with intricately carved reliefs, dazzling tapestries and colorful animal motifs emblazoned on glazed brick walls and gleaming tile floors.

"_Σταματήστε! Μην μετακινείτε!_" The armored guards barked wielding their shields and spears.

"Great, what language are these punks speaking this time?" Sabertooth growled preparing to fight.

"It's Ancient Greek," Mastermind supplied. "They told us not to move."

"You speak **Ancient Greek**?" Piotr looked at him in surprise.

"And Modern Greek," Mastermind said somewhat smugly. "I'm perfectly fluent in both."

"Too bad we're not," Remy glanced around as the rest of the room's occupants began to crowd around shouting at them. They seemed to mostly be composed of guards, generals and advisers. "I don't have a clue what any of these people are saying."

"I can," Piotr said. "The translators have finished charging enough so that we can use them."

"That's great!" Pyro chirped poking at his ear. "Hey, this bloody thing won't turn on."

Remy casually whacked him on his other ear. "How's that?"

"Ooo, much better," Pyro blinked dazedly.

"What is going on here?" The crowd quickly parted as a fit, somewhat short man strode before them. He wore a white sleeveless robe, white sash and royal diadem upon his head. The man appeared to be about thirty years old and radiated an unstoppable aura of command, ambition and charisma. "Who are these people? Who saw them enter here?"

"I did, brother!" A thinner, lighter haired man chirped waving his hand. He appeared to be somewhat simple minded. "There was a pretty burst of light and suddenly they were there!"

"Not now Arrhidaeus," The first man tried to wave him off.

"But it's true, brother!" Arrhidaeus insisted. "They just popped out of the air and fell into the pool. It was funny!"

"Of course they did," The first man smiled and affectionately patted Arrhidaeus on the shoulder. "Why don't you go back to your seat and let your brother the king handle this?"

"Okay," Arrhidaeus smiled happily. "Ooo, look! Peaches!"

"That's nice," The king sighed as Arrhidaeus skipped off. He turned back to the Acolytes and fixed them with a glare. "Who are you people? How did you get in here?"

"Uh," Piotr stuttered. "What do we do?"

"Tell him we're...uh...tourists," Remy thought quickly. "From very far away."

"**Tourists**?" Sabertooth snorted scornfully.

"Or whatever the ancient equivalent is," Remy said.

"Okay," Mastermind did so in Greek.

"You claim to be ambassadors?" The king looked at them skeptically. "From what city or satrapy do you hail?"

"Sat-what?" Pyro blinked.

"Satrapy," Mastermind repeated. "It means province. But there weren't any satrapies in Ancient Greece."

"That's because we're not in Ancient Greece," Remy informed him looking down at the machine. One of the screens had just finished clearing up. It read:

**May 29, 323 B.C.****  
><strong>**Babylon****, ****Mesopotamia**

"Um," Piotr frowned. "Where is this?"

"We're in the middle of the Middle East," Mastermind explained. "Around the time of Ancient Persia. I think."

"You **think**?" Sabertooth snorted.

"Hey, it's been a while since I've read about this time period, okay?" Mastermind snapped. "If I had known I would some day end up here I would have studied a lot more about it!"

"Stop talking amongst yourselves!" The king ordered placing a hand on his sword. His guards' spears edged slightly closer towards the mutants. "I demand you answer my questions!"

"Their speech is very strange," One man dressed like a general noted studying the Acolytes. "Their height and appearance is almost like that of Celts."

"At least this one is capable of civilized speech," A second general indicated Mastermind. "Perhaps they are not barbarians after all."

"Of course they are barbarians," Another general scoffed haughty. "They are wearing **pants**."

"It's better that what you're wearing, bub," Sabertooth growled. All the Greek-speakers except the king wore armor over short linen tunics.

"Yeah, what's wrong with pants?" Pyro asked. "Would he rather we wear dresses or something?"

"Never mind," Mastermind groaned. "What should I tell the king that's believable and won't tick him off?"

"Try telling him the truth," Piotr suggested. "We are a group of lost travelers trying to find our way home."

"Oh geeze, what a line," Remy rolled his eyes. "And you _hommes_ thought being called tourists was bad."

"Just shut up and let me convince him not to kill us," Mastermind snapped before addressing the king in Greek.

"Let 'em try," Sabertooth growled dangerously. "I could use a good fight!"

"Travelers?" The king raised an eyebrow questioningly. "You said before you were ambassadors."

"Uh, we are," Mastermind covered. "We're traveling ambassadors. We...uh...heard grand tales of your legendary courage and fame and hoped you would bestow upon us your blessing and hospitality."

"I see," The king was unaffected by Mastermind's attempts at flattery. "And you sought to achieve this by **sneaking** into my presence?"

"Um, it was a surprise," Mastermind stuttered. "To, uh, test your security measures and see if you lived up to your reputation. Your **famous** and **well-earned** reputation."

"You dare attempt to test my abilities? Ha!" The king laughed. "I have faced every challenge and every obstacle that has ever appeared in my path. None have managed to overcome me!"

"Oh yeah?" Sabertooth grinned stepping next to Mastermind. He pointed at the king. "We'll see about that. Tell that guy I challenge him to a drinking contest!"

"WHAT?" Mastermind yelped.

"Oh dear," Piotr groaned. "Not again!"

"Haven't you drunk enough already?" Remy snapped.

"Just do it!" Sabertooth roared.

"Right," Mastermind gulped and complied meekly.

"He what?" The generals and advisers gasped in astonishment. "How dare you act that way toward the King of Kings and the Lord of Asia!"

"Wait a minute, this is starting to sound kind of familiar..." Mastermind thought upon hearing the titles.

"They have insulted the king! They deserve to die!" One general prepared to signal the guards forward.

"No!" The king ordered bringing silence to the courtyard. He stared at Sabertooth in determination. "A challenge has been issued and I accept!"

"What? But sire..." One general tried to object.

"I said I accept," The king motioned the guards to stand down. He turned around with a smile and an eager twinkle in his eye. "Bring forth the wine!"

"Alright!" Sabertooth cheered. "Now you're talking!"

"Oh no," Piotr moaned as servants appeared bearing armloads of amphorae. "Hasn't there been **enough** drinking for one day?"

* * *

><p>Two hours later...<p>

"Wahoooooo!" Sabertooth roared as he chugged wine straight from an amphora.

"Hahahahaha!" The king laughed taking a long draught before tossing another amphora aside and smashing it to pieces. He did a little happy dance. "Bring me another!"

"Apparently not," Piotr groaned rubbing his temple. Nearly everyone had settled down and was now lounging about the room. Most of the locals were drinking heavily.

"Hey, cheer up Piotr," Remy smiled popping half a walnut into his mouth. Several platters lay before them loaded with food. "It's better than having to fight our way out while waiting for the machine to cool down."

"I suppose," Piotr sighed nibbling on some bread and barberries. "Oh, those are tart."

"At least we were able to get a decent meal out of this jump," Remy said polishing off some peaches. "Though I've lost track if this is a late lunch or an early dinner."

"I am just glad you and I were able to catch short naps while the drinking contest was going on," Piotr noted with relief. "And we were all allowed to use the local toilets. Though it would have been even nicer if the locals had managed to invent toilet paper by now."

"Don't remind me," Mastermind shuddered sitting nearby. "What I had to use instead of paper has probably scarred me for life!"

"Just make sure Pyro stays away from any pomegranates," Remy warned. "Or else you will end up **really** scarred for life!"

"Wheeeeee!" Pyro laughed happily as he used his powers on a pair of fire braziers to entertain several onlookers. "Watch this one, mates!"

"Yay!" Arrhidaeus clapped excitedly at the line of fire animals dancing in midair. "This is fun! You are a real magician!"

"Nope," Pyro smiled cheerfully. "I'm a real mutant!"

"Amazing! That one looks like a house whose top has been set alight!" One general marveled at the display. "Hmmm, a giant light on top of a house. Not a bad idea."

"Ahahahahaha!" Sabertooth quaffed wine with one hand while chowing down on a lamb kabob with the other. "Had enough yet, punk?"

"Foul haired, foul mouthed barbarian! You'll not get the better of me!" The king sloshed back some wine while drunkenly staggering about not understanding a word Sabertooth was saying. "I am the Lord of Asia! I am Alexander! I will win! I..." He slurred before keeling over.

CRASH!

"Ha!" Sabertooth stood over the collapsed king in triumph. "I win again!"

"Whoopie," Remy drawled sarcastically. "The dipsomaniac is dead. Love live the dipso!"

"Wait a second," Mastermind froze. "Did he say **'Alexander'**?"

"I think so...hey!" Remy yelped as Mastermind yanked at the machine. "Ow! Leggo!"

"Oh my gosh!" Mastermind stared at the date before looking back at the king in shock. "Do you have any idea who that is?"

"Uh, the king?" Piotr ventured.

"Not just the king," Mastermind stared at the unconscious figure in awe. "He's Alexander the Great!"

"WHAT?!" Remy nearly choked on a peach pit. "As in **the** Alexander the Great?"

"Oh yeah," Mastermind was stunned.

"Oh my!" Piotr gazed at him in shock. "This is amazing!"

"What are you idiots yapping about?" Sabertooth growled having overheard the conversation.

"We found out the guy you just drank under the table is Alexander the Great," Remy explained.

"Really?" Sabertooth grinned. "Alright!"

"And you killed him," Mastermind added.

"WHAT?!" Sabertooth snapped. "I DID NOT!"

"Maybe no one will notice," Piotr said hopefully.

"Hey brother! You have to see this!" Arrhidaeus skipped over and shook Alexander's wine soaked shoulder. "These flames are so pretty and alive! Brother? Brother?"

"I think they noticed," Remy quipped as the crowd of drunken Macedonians staggered over to the fallen form of their king. "I think it's time we made a strategic retreat."

"Good idea," Mastermind sighed as Piotr quickly moved and grabbed Pyro. "Before the locals form a drunken mob and decide to blame us!"

"Hey, leggo! I wanna keep playing!" Pyro protested as he was dragged away. "I haven't even made any fire dragons yet!"

"There's no time to make fire dragons," Remy told him. "Sabertooth just killed the king!"

"He's not dead! He's still alive!" Sabertooth pointed out.

"Not for long," Mastermind muttered shaking his head. "He'll be dead within the next week or two. I should have known he was Alexander the Great after I heard the date and place."

"I should have been taking bets on who would win the drinking contests," Remy cursed.

"This has not been one of our finer moments," Piotr groaned turning to Mastermind. "Maybe you should alter everyone's memories so that they do not remember us."

"Are you kidding? Most of them are so drunk they won't remember any of this," Mastermind sighed as the Acolytes quietly slipped away from the locals. "Too bad I can't say the same for **me**!"

* * *

><p><strong>Historical notes: Ögedei Khan was the third son of Genghis Khan and the second Great Khan of the Mongol Empire. At the end of 1241 A.D. Mongol armies had overrun most of <strong>**Eastern Europe**** and were preparing to assault Central and ****Western Europe**** the next year, only to withdraw after receiving news of Ögedei's death. The Mongols never again attempted to conquer the rest of Europe. While it is generally agreed Ögedei died after a massive drinking binge, the exact circumstances of his death have never "officially" been determined.**

**Alexander ****III****, commonly known as Alexander the Great, was a King of Macedon and one of the greatest, most successful military commanders of all time. He created one of the largest empires of the ancient world which fell apart soon after his death on June 11, 323 B.C. While various theories have been proposed over the years, the exact cause of Alexander's death has never "officially" been determined.**


	31. Mistaken Identity

**Mistaken Identity**

"Ow!" Pyro yelped banging his nose on something hard upon arrival. He reflexively began to step back only to find nothing there. "Ahhh!"

"Look out!" Piotr just managed to grab Pyro's collar and prevent him from falling back. "Do not worry. I have you!"

"Oh no, not again," Mastermind moaned. The Acolytes had appeared around the outside of a round bell tower and were hanging on to it for dear life. "Why are we suddenly landing on **top** of buildings instead of **inside** them?"

"Could be worse," Sabertooth grunted. "We could be landing **under** them."

"Yeah, we could suddenly find ourselves buried alive unable to activate the machine in some molten part of the Earth," Pyro added. "What a way to go!"

"Oh that makes me feel **so** much better," Mastermind whimpered. "I want to go down!"

"I do not know. We do get a nice view from up here," Piotr said looking around. The three-story bell tower was one of two such towers positioned in opposite corners of a large church-like building. The building was fronted by a grassy public square located in the middle of a small, prosperous city along the sharp bend of a wide, steady flowing river. Most of the buildings sported a Mediterranean-style architecture complete with stucco exteriors, flat tiled roofs, inner courtyards and townhouses with patios and iron balconies. "Has the machine finished clearing up yet?"

"Almost," Remy glanced down at it. "Okay, it's ready." He read aloud from one of the screens. It showed:

**March 12, 1800 A.D.****  
><strong>**New Orleans****, ****Louisiana**

"Hey, neat!" Pyro chirped. "We made it back to Gambit's home!"

"Only about two hundred years too early," Remy quipped checking the date. "And just after Mardi Gras. Too bad."

"Oh great," Sabertooth groaned. "We're stuck in the bayous!"

"Naw, the main bayous are a couple miles south or east of here," Remy waved. "It's easy to get confused. Hey, that's the Cabildo over there! And the Presbytère!"

"Huh?" Piotr blinked as Remy pointed at the two large, prominent structures on either side of them. "Are they important?"

"They're old buildings in the French Quarter," Remy explained. "But I guess they're considered new buildings now. The Presbytère doesn't even have a second floor yet."

"Oh," Piotr shrugged.

"If they're there, then we must be perched on the St. Louis Cathedral," Remy gazed around in realization. "Wow. It doesn't look anything like I remember it. The side towers are domed and there is a skinny lightning rod thing where the big central tower should be."

"Who cares about what the place looks like?" Mastermind snapped. "Let's find a way down from here before somebody falls and breaks their neck! Specifically me!"

"Yeah!" Pyro agreed eagerly. "We can see the sights and get some great souvenirs! Though I'm having trouble holding on to the last one I picked up."

"What did you get?" Piotr asked looking over his shoulder. He blinked at the object in Pyro's hand. "Is that a stuffed **peacock**?"

"Yep!" Pyro beamed proudly showing it off. "Nabbed it right before we left that Greek-Persian palace place. It's a pretty small one. Its tail is barely a foot long."

"Get rid of that thing!" Sabertooth growled snatching it from Pyro's grasp. "I'm not gonna let you lug around a stupid peacock on this trip. It's bad enough having to put up with a bunch of **peabrains**! Besides, peacock feathers make me sneeze."

"Hey!" Pyro yelped as Sabertooth hurled the stuffed peacock away. "You threw out my peacock!"

"And had it hit some poor _homme_ on the head," Remy noted looking down into the street. "Knocked him right out."

"Big deal," Sabertooth snorted. "Now if only I could do the same to all of you!"

BONNNGGG! BONNNGGG! BONNNGGG!

"Auuuggghhh!" Sabertooth howled at the close proximity of the ringing bells in the tower.

"Ow!" Mastermind whimpered as the Acolytes did their best to cover their ears. "And I thought having tinnitus was bad!"

"Gaaahhh! Make it stop! Make it stop!" Sabertooth roared and began thrashing about it agony.

"Hey, watch it...ahhhhhh!" Remy yelled as he was hit by one of Sabertooth's flailing arms and fell backwards off the tower.

"Remy! No!" Piotr shouted in horror.

POOF!

"Gah?" Remy gasped somewhat stunned. He blinked and found he had landed in the back of a large hay-loaded cart. "Well, that could have been worse. Oooh, my back!"

Remy took a few minutes to make sure he had not broken anything or been paralyzed before managing to roll off the back of the cart. "I'm gonna get Sabes for this. Maybe we'll end up in Paris again and he can 'accidentally' fall off the top of the Eiffel Tower!"

"_Eh, tú! Alto!_"

"What?" Remy blinked looking around. The cart had entered a walled barracks-like complex and was stopped in front of a combined stable and hay loft. Half a dozen armed soldiers in Spanish uniforms carrying swords and muskets were on duty nearby. "Are you talking to me?"

"You! What are you doing here?" One well-dressed officer rode up on a horse, expertly dismounted, and fixed Remy with a look. He carried a rapier and spoke a mixture of French and Spanish. "Who gave you permission to enter the _quartel_..." The officer's eyes widened in seeming recognition. "Lafitte! I should have known!"

"Huh?" Remy frowned in confusion. "The name's Lebeau, not Lafitte."

"You have a lot of nerve showing your face around here Lafitte," The officer glared at Remy dangerously. "Especially after what you did."

"Look, you've obviously mistaken me for someone else," Remy replied in French and placatingly held up his hands. "So I'll just be going now..."

"No you will not! Guards!" All the soldiers in the vicinity leveled their muskets at Remy. "If he moves, shoot him down! Sergeant Garcia!"

"Coming _comandante_!" A big man emerged from one of the barracks and approached them. He had a round cherubic face, thick mustache, a day's worth of stubble and a very noticeable stomach. He stopped in front of the officer and threw a quick salute. "Sergeant Enrique Calvino Garcia reporting for duty sir!"

"At ease, sergeant," The comandante ordered. "It seems _señor_ Lafitte has been caught trying to sneak into the _quartel _again."

"Really?" Sergeant Garcia turned to Remy and smiled. "_Buenas dias, señor_ Lafitte. Trying to sell another shipment of wine to us soldiers, eh?"

"Silence, _baboso_!" The comandante snapped impatiently. "He is a thief and a scoundrel. Lock him up!"

"What?" Remy yelped. "Wait a second. I haven't done anything!"

"Of course you have," The comandante glared at him. "You stole a supply of gunpowder off a Spanish merchant ship knowing it was to be delivered to the_ quartel_. Then you had the nerve to try and sell it back to us!"

"What? I did not!" Remy protested. "Though I have to admit, that's not a bad idea."

"Technically, he did not try and sell it back to us," Sergeant Garcia spoke up. "He only asked that we wave certain customs duties for him and..."

"Silence!" The comandante roared. "I will not stand here arguing with a thief. Sergeant, take him away!"

"_Sí, comandante_," Sergeant Garcia saluted and dutifully approached Remy. "_Señor_ Lafitte, I'm sorry but I must lock you up in the jail. Come with me." He paused for moment before adding, "Please?"

"Sorry, not today," Remy swiftly drew out a fistful of cards and charged them.

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

"Aggghhhhhh!" Everyone was temporarily blinded by the exploding cards.

"He is armed! Shoot him!" The comandante ordered while trying to rub away the spots in front of his eyes. He quickly scanned the vicinity. "Where is Lafitte?"

BOOM!

"There he goes!" A soldier pointed as Remy blew a hole in the back wall of the stable and dashed out into the street.

"Well don't just stand there you fools! After him!" The comandante roared.

"_Sí, comandante_," Sergeant Garcia drew his saber. "Lancers, to horse!"

"Man, some things never change," Remy muttered as he ran down the unpaved streets. "Every time I come back to this city somebody tries to kill me."

"There he goes!" A dozen mounted soldiers burst out from the quartel with Sergeant Garcia in the lead. "After him! After him!"

"Oh great!" Remy ducked around a corner and slipped into the first building he came to.

"Hey you. What are you doing in here?" A large, well-dressed man stared at him from across a counter. "This is a place of business and...Lafitte!"

"Huh?" Remy blinked in surprise. "Why is everyone calling me that?"

"So you finally decided to stop avoiding me, eh?" The man glared at Remy menacingly. "About time you started showing some backbone. Now where is my money?"

"What?" Remy frowned. "I have no idea what you're talking about!"

"Don't say that to me! I loaned you 300 pesos in gold so you could bribe port officials in issuing you certain business licenses," The man thundered. "You promised to pay me back over three weeks ago! I want my money!"

"Look, I keep telling everybody, I'm not this Lafitte!" Remy snapped. "I don't owe you or anyone anything!"

"Oh yes you do! And if you don't pay me my money then I'll take it out of your hide!" The man pulled out a whip and a large pistol. "Which will it be?"

CRACK!

"Ahhhhhh!" Remy yelped as the whip cracked just over his head. He immediately ran back out into the street.

"COME BACK HERE YOU CHEATING RAT!" The man chased after him.

"Oh man, not another one!" Remy groaned as he desperately tried to avoid getting shot or whipped. He turned a corner only to run into the rear of Sergeant Garcia and his men. "Oops! Not that way!"

"There he goes!" Sergeant Garcia shouted turning his horse around. "After him!"

CRACK!

"Yikes!" Remy yelped as the whip took off a tuff of his hair. He sprinted away in a different direction with both groups on his heals. "This is not what I signed up for!"

"Get him!"

"I WANT MY MONEY!"

"Gahhh!" Remy used a passing cart to speedily scale the wall of a nearby townhouse. He pulled himself up onto a protruding balcony, slipped over the iron railing and watched as the soldiers and man with the whip stormed by. "Thank goodness that's over!"

"Jean!" A pretty young woman suddenly appeared on the balcony. She swooned and wrapped Remy up in her arms. "I knew you would eventually choose me!"

"Uh," Remy blinked as the woman hugged him breathlessly. "_Bonjour, petite._"

"Oh Jean, I have missed you so much!" The woman crooned. "How I have longed to hold you in my arms!"

"Hmmm, maybe being mistaken for this Lafitte _homme_ isn't so bad after all," Remy grinned as the woman ran a hand along his chest. "Wait a second. Did you just call me...?"

"LAFITTE!" A fat, elderly man appeared in the room adjoining the balcony. "Take your filthy hands off my daughter!"

"What?" Remy sputtered at the demand. "Why don't you tell her to take her hands off **me**?"

"I told you what I would do if I ever caught you near her again!" The man took down a very large shotgun from one of the walls and aimed it at him. "DIE!"

KA-BOOM!

"AAAHHHHHH!" Remy screamed and nearly fell off the balcony as the shotgun blasted off a good chunk of the ceiling. He frantically leapt down and took off back down the street.

"COME BACK HERE LAFITTE! I'LL SHOW YOU BETTER THAN TO TRY AND SERENADE MY DAUGHTER!" The elderly man yelled. "WHERE'S MY POWDER HORN?"

"Oh no," Remy gulped nervously running near the cities wharves. "I pity the poor soul who ever tries to court that _petite_!"

KA-BOOM!

"Gahhhhhh!" Remy yelped as the enraged father stormed after him with shotgun in tow and murder in his eyes. Remy spotted a nearby tavern and quickly dashed inside. He waited until the sounds of the man's shouts faded before letting out a sigh. "Ah, safe at last!"

"Hey, look who's here," The tavern was packed with a crowd of tough-looking men, all of whom were staring at Remy. "It's Lafitte!"

"I want his hide!" One burly man dressed like a buccaneer pointed at him. "He cleaned out the hold of an entire Spanish merchantman that was earmarked for me!"

"He sold a fortune of smuggled muscovado at discount prices, undercutting me and leaving me with nothing!" Another salty captain roared.

"He still owes me 50 pesos from a game of _piquet_!" A third man shouted.

"GET HIM!" Nearly everyone in the tavern yelled.

"AAAHHHHHHHHH!" Remy ran back into the street with the mob hot on his trail. "This is insane! I'm being blamed for stuff I didn't even steal for once!"

"There he goes! After him! After him!" Sergeant Garcia and his men appeared and once again took up the chase.

"KILL HIM!" The angry father yelled brandishing his shotgun.

"I WANT MY MONEY!" The man with the whip howled.

"Uh oh," Remy turned into a small alley only to find it had been walled off by running into it face first. "Ow!"

"Mr. Lafitte!"

"Huh?" Remy turned and saw a short, older woman gesturing at him from a nearby coffee house. "Oh great. I suppose you want to kill me too? You'll have to take a number!"

"Hurry Mr. Lafitte! Get in before they see you!" The woman waved frantically.

"Huh? Uh, okay," Remy blinked at the unexpected assistance.

"Quick, in here!" The woman showed him into a small storage room and locked the door. "Stay put and keep quiet!"

"Uh, yes ma'am," Remy replied, exhausted.

"Look out! Soldiers!" The men from the tavern were heard bellowing.

"Scatter!" More sounds of running and shouting were heard.

"Search everywhere! Don't let him get away!" Remy peered out a small crack in the door to see Sergeant Garcia enter the coffee house. He approached the woman who was apparently the proprietress. "Begging your pardon, _señorita_. We are looking for a thief. Has anyone recently entered or come through here?"

"No," The woman replied sharply. "And they won't either so long as you brutes are about. Either order something or go away!"

"I am sorry _señorita, _but I am just following orders," Sergeant Garcia apologized before gesturing to his men. "Check the storerooms! And the kitchen!"

"Uh oh," Remy gulped as a pair of soldiers grew near the door. He backed up only to be suddenly seized from behind. "Ahhhhhh!"

"Easy Cajun," Sabertooth growled in his ear. "You want to alert the whole neighborhood?"

"Sabes?" Remy turned around to find the rest of the Acolytes crammed into the small room. "Am I ever glad to see you!"

"Hey, Gambit!" Pyro chirped. "Having fun seeing the sights?"

"Not exactly," Remy sighed in relief. "How did you find me?"

"Sabertooth followed your scent," Piotr explained. "He says you were pretty easy to follow."

"Just had to follow the smell of fear and stupidity," Sabertooth grunted.

"You searched all over the city for me?" Remy blinked in surprise.

"No, we searched all over the city for the **machine**," Mastermind grumbled. "Without it we will never make it back home!"

"Of course," Remy rolled his eyes. "Wait, how did you get in here?"

"Through the back door," Piotr indicated over his shoulder.

"Oh, good idea," Remy noticed it. Someone began to pound against the weakly locked door. "Let's use it!"

"Wait! Just keep quiet!" Mastermind hissed as his eyes began to glow.

A pair of soldiers entered and briefly glanced around the apparently empty room. "He's not back here, sergeant!"

"Or out back!" One of the soldiers opened the back door and checked the back alley.

"Sergeant Garcia!" The comandante was heard shouting in the main room. "Where is Lafitte?"

"He seems to have escaped, _comandante_," Sergeant Garcia reported.

"WHAT? _Baboso_!" The comandante snapped. "How could you let a lowly thief like him escape? You are the most incompetent soldier in all of Louisiana! There is not another soldier anywhere in the entire Spanish Empire like you!"

"Well, not in Louisiana," Sergeant Garcia thought for a moment. "But I read in the mail that my young cousin Demetrio recently joined the army. He is stationed in California at the _Pueblo de Los __Ángeles_."

"Silence!" The comandante shouted. "Return to the _quartel_ all of you! Now!"

"_Sí, comandante_," Sergeant Garcia replied. "Lancers, mount up!"

"Way to go, Cajun," Sabertooth growled as the soldiers mounted up and left. "What have you gone and gotten yourself into **this** time?"

"Don't ask. Just don't ask," Remy groaned.

"Mr. Lafitte, you can come out now." The older woman was heard approaching the door. "Are you alright?"

"Oooh," A young man who bore a striking resemblance to Remy entered the coffee house while gingerly holding his head. He wore a loose overshirt, wide-brimmed hat, dark breeches and a fine pair of boots.

"Mr. Lafitte!" The woman turned and stared at him in shock. "How did you get out there? And with soldiers all about? And why did you change your clothes?"

"Huh? I don't know what you are talking about, Mattie," Lafitte blinked in confusion. "I was walking by the St. Louis cathedral earlier when I was suddenly hit on the head by a stuffed peacock!"

"What? But you were just...oh never mind," The woman waved and guided Lafitte to a table. "Sit down and I'll get you a cup of coffee."

"_Merci_, Mattie," Lafitte smiled at her. "You always do take care of me."

"Of course I do," Mattie smiled. "If something happened to you who else would smuggle in my tea and coffee beans?"

"Hey, look at that," Pyro peaked out from the small storage room. "That bloke looks just like you Gambit. Only not nearly as well dressed."

"So that's the poor _homme_ everyone is after," Remy peered at his look-alike. "Better him than me!"

"You can tell us about it later," Mastermind sighed dropping his illusion of an empty room. "Is the machine finished cooling down?"

"Yeah," Remy nodded. "About time too. I'm sick and tired of being mistaken for Lafitte!"

"By the way, Mr. Lafitte. Miss Anna-Marie is here to see you," Mattie was heard saying.

"Hey sugar," A young woman with shoulder-length auburn hair, white forelocks, grey eyes, and a smooth, pale complexion strode down from the coffee house's second floor. She wore an elbow-length shift, ankle-length skirt, well-made boots and a loose leather vest.

"Eh?" Remy immediately froze at the sight.

"Well, _bonjour__ chérie_," Lafitte smiled as the young woman sashayed towards him. "I missed you."

"Not as much as I missed you," Anna-Marie practically sat in his lap and proceeded to give him a very passionate kiss.

"**_EH?!_**" Remy twitched and looked like was going to have a heart attack.

"Hey, is it just me, or does that shelia look exactly like..." Pyro began.

"Yeah, she does," Sabertooth snorted. "Who cares? Let's get outta here."

"WHAT?! NO NOT YET!" Remy yelled and tried to bolt back into the room. "I TAKE IT BACK! THAT _FEMME _CAN MISTAKE ME FOR LAFITTE ALL SHE WANTS! SHE'S MINE! YOU HEAR ME? **MINE!**"

"Oh dear," Piotr groaned while he and Sabertooth struggled to hold Remy back. "History does repeat itself!"

"Come on Gambit. Let's go," Pyro urged. "You can get some more coffee later."

"NO! NO! NO! I WANNA STAY! I WANNA STAY!" Remy howled as the Acolytes dragged him out the back door.

"I knew this trip would eventually drive us all crazy," Mastermind grumbled. "Those of us who weren't **already** crazy. Still, I didn't expect Gambit to be the first one to crack."

"The Cajun cracked long ago," Sabertooth snorted as Remy continued to scream and thrash about. "He's a nut!"

"Maybe he's just excited about seeing his doppelgänger," Pyro suggested. "Think the two of them could be related?"

"Not if Remy wants to eventually get together with that girl from the X-Men," Piotr sighed. "Then again, you never know!"

* * *

><p><strong>Historical note: Jean Lafitte was a French-American smuggler, pirate, and privateer who was active in the <strong>**Gulf of Mexico**** during the early 19th century A.D. He is best known for operating from an island in ****Barataria** **Bay**** and for supporting the Americans at the ****Battle**** of ****New Orleans**** during the War of 1812. While various accounts have been proposed over the years, exact details about Lafitte's first twenty years of life have never "officially" been determined.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any characters from the TV show "Zorro".**


	32. You Oughta Be in Pictures

**You Oughta Be in Pictures**

"Ah _chérie_, I knew we would finally be together," Remy crooned while passionately running a hand up and down a delightfully curved spine. "Forget all about that Lafitte _homme_. I'm the only one for you. I'm your destiny. It's **our** destiny to..."

"Snap out of it, Cajun!"

"Hmmm?" Remy blinked and found the body he was so lovingly stroking belonged to Sabertooth. "GAHHHHHH!"

"About time," Sabertooth growled in annoyance. "You better not have drooled all over my coat."

"Yaaahhhhhh!" Remy yelped and recoiled from Sabertooth in horror. "Oh my gosh! What have I done? Bad Remy! Bad Remy! Bleah! Yuck! Unclean! Unclean!"

"Sorry about that," Piotr said as Mastermind finished removing the illusion from Remy's mind. "But we needed some way to calm you down enough to be able to activate the machine."

"You did what?!" Remy stopped gagging and gasped at him in shock.

"Aw, don't worry Gambit," Pyro waved. "It's not like that was the last time you'll ever see that shelia or one of her doppelgängers again. You'll see her again when we get back. Maybe..."

"You did **what**?!" Remy yelped. "Are you crazy?! Why did you have us leave? That was the perfect time for me to get together with her! That was possibly the **only** time for me to get together with her!"

"Aw, shaddup!" Sabertooth barked. "Who cares about that? I'm more interested in what time **we** ended up in."

"That is a good point," Piotr said looking around. The Acolytes appeared to have arrived in a small alley between two tall, partially-finished buildings. "We seem to be back somewhere in the American West. Look, cowboys."

"I don't recall there being any Romans in the Old West," Mastermind frowned as a pair of armored centurions walked by. "Or seventeenth century pirates. And are those cavemen?"

"Oh no! This is a disaster!" Pyro wailed in terror. "We must have used the machine once too many and now it's ended up fracturing the very fabric of space-time! People and time periods from all over are now merging and coming apart thereby shattering the very nature of reality as we know it!"

"Huh?" Piotr blinked in shock.

"Oh geeze, for once Pyro is right," Mastermind moaned. "This is it. The end! We're all doomed! Doomed!"

"No we're not," Remy grumbled having managed to recover his composure. "At least not any more than usual."

"Oh great," Sabertooth groaned. "Then this really **is** the end of the world!"

"No it isn't," Remy sighed. "There is a perfectly logical reason for us to be seeing what we are seeing."

"Really? What is that?" Piotr asked.

"Take a look," Remy showed them one of the machine's screens that had just finished clearing up. It read:

**July 30, 1926 A.D.****  
><strong>**Hollywood****, ****California**

"Oh, well that does explain things," Mastermind blinked sheepishly.

"Hey, neat! Hollywood!" Pyro chirped happily. "We're in the heart of showbiz, baby! Whoo hoo!"

"Eh, whatever," Sabertooth grunted.

"We must in the middle of a big studio lot," Remy said gazing around at the crowd of workers, film crews and costumed actors milling around the various buildings. "Look, there's a sign. Fox Film Corporation."

"Oh yeah! This is great! We're gonna be in the movies!" Pyro cheered and prepared to skip out into the lot.

"Oh no you do not," Piotr warned grabbing his collar. "You are not going out there and getting caught on camera."

"Aw, come on Colossus," Pyro whined. "Don't you wanna be immortalized forever by being in a movie?"

"Yeah, right. Like any of us would ever end up being in a Fox movie," Remy scoffed.

"Who cares about being in a stupid movie?" Mastermind muttered. "We finally have a chance to rest and recover without having to worry about anybody seeing us."

"Not to mention having a chance to refuel the machine," Remy glanced at a screen which showed 'FUEL EMPTY'. "Time to break out more soap."

"We should also turn off the translators while we are here," Piotr suggested tapping at his ear. "We probably will not need them and it will give them a chance to recharge."

"Good idea," Remy nodded as the rest of the Acolytes did so.

CRASH!

A large crate slipped off the scaffolding from one of the unfinished buildings next to them.

"Look out!" Mastermind shouted as the Acolytes dived for cover.

SMASH!

POOF!

"Is everyone okay?" Piotr asked picking himself up.

"Gahhh!" Sabertooth spat while covered head to toe in some sort of white fluffy material. The contents of the crate had nearly all landed on him. "Aggghhh, it's in my mouth! Yuck!"

"What the heck is this stuff?" Remy glanced at the broken remains of the crate. A side of it had been labeled. "Asbestos?"

"Must be some kind of prop," Mastermind poked at a small clump with his foot. "It is probably being used as a type of fake snow or something."

"More like a type of torture device," Sabertooth snapped irritably. "Yahhh, it's up my nose! Achooo!"

"Well, at least you won't have to worry about being set on fire for a while," Remy quipped at Sabertooth's appearance. "Maybe we should coat Pyro's flamethrowers in it too. Hey, where **is** Pyro?"

"Huh?" Piotr blinked looking around. "Oh no! He must have run off!"

"What? I thought you had a hand on him," Mastermind snapped.

"Well, I did," Piotr admitted. "But I let go when I took cover from the crate."

"Great, Pyro is loose upon Hollywood!" Mastermind threw up his hands. "This place is doomed!"

"It's not that bad," Remy said. "We can just have Sabes track him down."

"Are you kidding? Not after being plastered with this stuff," Sabertooth snapped wiping at his head.

"Why? Asbestos doesn't have a scent," Mastermind pointed out.

"No, but it **does** block up my nose," Sabertooth sneezed. "Which makes sniffing for the Firebug just a little difficult. Achooo!"

"Well, it looks like it is back to the old-fashioned way," Piotr sighed. "This is Kraków all over again."

"I told you these jumps are getting way too repetitive," Mastermind grumbled. "It's like they are being reeled off by some lazy, two-bit writer."

"Let us hope we avoid having any angry mobs chasing after us this time," Piotr said.

"Are you **kidding**?" Sabertooth snorted. "Achooo!"

"You _hommes_ go ahead. I'll start looking right after I finish refueling the machine," Remy began to remove his trench coat. "Meet back here in an hour."

"Okay," Piotr nodded as the Acolytes split up.

* * *

><p>"Yay! This is neat!" Pyro giggled excitedly as he skipped around the busy studio lot. "I'm gonna be the first mutant in the movies! I gotta make sure to get a copy of the film so I can play it for everybody when we get back. Hey, what's in here?"<p>

Pyro slipped inside one of the closed stage buildings and began zipping among the different sets. "Hmmm, now where's a good scene I can get into? Prison scene? Too boring. Street scene? Too drab. Ah, here's one!"

"Okay, that's good Harry," A large, thick-necked director spoke into a megaphone at a man and two women filming a bakery scene. A small camera and crew stood nearby. "Now accidentally spill a cup of flour on him, Stacy."

One of the women did so. "Na, it needs something more. Delia, try whapping Harry on the head with a rolling pin."

The man pretended to stagger from the blow. "Hmmm, not enough. Both of you pick up one of the pies and smash them into his face." The man was immediately covered in whipped cream. "Cut, cut, cut!" The director waved his hands. "This isn't working. We need something that has some real zing to it."

"How about this?" Pyro skipped onto the set and quickly dumped a bucket of latex glue over Harry's head.

"Gahhhhhh!" Harry yelped in shock.

"And some of this?" Pyro shoved Harry through one of the backgrounds.

"Ahhhhhh!" Harry yelled as he landed in a big pile of feathers.

POOF!

"What the heck?" The director sputtered at the sight. "Who are you? What are you doing?"

"Hey, that's not a real fire," Pyro tisked at the fake bakery oven. "**This** is a fire!"

WHOOOSSSHHH!

"AAAHHHHHHHHH!" Stacy and Delia screamed as the whole set was suddenly engulfed in flames.

"Somebody stop that nut!" One of the crew members shouted in fear.

"Ta da!" Pyro laughed and waved at the camera. "Get a close-up mates! Be sure to get my good side!"

"AUUUGGGHHH!" The women fled in terror as the crew desperately attempted to beat out the flames.

"Hey, let's see what's over there!" Pyro happily skipped off to another set.

"Is that guy crazy?" Harry sputtered getting up while looking like an overgrown chicken. A stray flame started licking at some of the feathers. "YAAAHHHHHH! I'M ON FIRE!"

"Somebody call security!" One of the crew members yelled.

"Wait! Roll the camera! Let's see what he does," The director ordered ignoring the burning set.

"Okay, Carol. Now slowly sink to your knees," Another director said while working with a young woman on a small graveyard scene. "You've just reached your dead husband's grave. You see his name carved in the cold tombstone. You're feeling distraught. Abandoned. Complete despair. Nothing could make you feel worse than you are right now..."

"Wheeeeee!" Pyro slid onto the scene and began to move and twist about. "Alright! Let's boogie!"

"What the?" The director gasped as Pyro picked the young woman up and began to tango with her. "Who ordered this?"

"Yeah! Let's work it people! Wahoo!" Pyro laughed as he spun and danced around.

"Get away from me you weirdo!" Carol yelled while following Pyro's lead. "Ah, no dipping!"

"Somebody stop him!" The director pointed at Pyro in fury.

"Right, chief," Several crew members prepared to move in.

"Let go of me! You're making me sick!" Carol wailed spinning about.

"Okay!" Pyro smiled and spun her into the group of advancing crew members.

"Ow! My foot! Get off me!" The crew yelped at the unexpected move. They stumbled into the background, causing it to collapse on top of them.

CRASH!

"Ohhh," The crew moaned.

"Hehehehehe!" Pyro giggled and skipped off.

"That guy's a nut," The first cameraman gaped.

"He's a genius!" The first director goggled. "He reminds me of Charlie Chaplin! Look, there he goes again!"

"That's it people! I want lots of action in this scene," A third director shouted at two swashbucklers on the deck of a fake sailing ship. "Thrust! Riposte! Parry! Now drop the sails. Drop to the deck..."

WHOOOSSSHHH!

"HAHAHAHAHA!" Pyro burst through the background while piloting a large biplane made of fire.

"What the?" The third cameraman scrambled back in shock.

"AAAHHHHHH!" The two fencers screamed and fled in terror.

"WHAT THE DEVIL IS GOING ON HERE?!" The third director roared furiously. "WHO IS THAT NUT?!"

"Yeah! Yeah!" Pyro laughed while pretending to fly the plane. "Look out world! It's the Red Pyro and his Flying Circus! Coming soon to a theater near you!"

"YAAAHHHHHH!" The startled crew shouted as the camera quickly went up in flames.

"Aw, no! Not the film!" Pyro pouted and caused the plane to dissipate. "I didn't finish being in a movie yet! Oh well. Time to go find another camera!"

"Wow, those are the best pyrotechnic effects I've ever seen," The first cameraman blinked at the sight.

"How did he do that?" A remaining member of the first crew wondered.

"Who cares? This guy is gold! This is going to be the best comedy film ever made!" The first director crowned in glee. "Quick, follow him! Don't let him get away!"

"Hehehehehe!" Pyro giggled as he happily skipped away. "Wonder what movie I can get into next?"

* * *

><p>"Man, this is boring," Remy said as he ducked into one of the large stage buildings. A small tour of visitors, reporters and photographers stood nearby. "For a Hollywood lot there isn't a single interesting thing around...hello." Remy grinned spying a rack of heavily jeweled costumes. "Now that's what I'm talking about. Come to papa!"<p>

Remy casually slid next to the rack and quickly inspected the jewels. "Aw, they're all fake. I shoulda known...ooo, but these aren't," Remy smirked pulling out several pairs of silk stockings in various colors and patterns. "Now these will make a nice set of souvenirs for a certain lovely _chérie_. Maybe she'll pose for me after I give them to her. Maybe she'll let me help her try them on..."

"Are you sure this costume looks okay?" A pair of wardrobe assistants inspected a man dressed in a somewhat shabby suit. "He's supposed to be playing Edgar Allan Poe."

"Edgar Allan Poe?" Remy snuck his head out and studied the man for a moment. "I recommend you rumple him up a bit more and have him carry a malacca cane. It will be much more authentic."

"Really?" The assistants stared at him. "Are you sure?"

"Oh yeah," Remy nodded. "Trust me."

"Excuse me," A short, pretty woman with light brown hair appeared. She appeared to be about twenty years old. "Is my costume ready?"

"Oh yes, Miss Gaynor. I have it right here," An assistant began searching through a rack of costumes. "It will be just a moment."

"Well _bonjour_ _mademoiselle_," Remy smiled at the woman. "Lovely day, isn't it?"

"Oh, hello," The woman nodded at him. "No, just another busy one. And please, call me Janet."

"As you wish," Remy said. "Say, aren't you a big film star?"

"Well I wouldn't say big," Janet blushed.

"Oh sure you are," Remy smiled. "I bet you're set to win an Academy Award this year."

"A what?" Janet blinked.

"You know, an Oscar," Remy prompted.

"Who's Oscar?" Janet blinked. "Is that your name?'

"What? No!" Remy sputtered. "An Oscar is a type of trophy. All gold-plated and..."

"Here you are, Miss Gaynor," The assistant handed her a dress.

"Thank you," Janet smiled. "Well, I must get going. Nice to meet you, Oscar."

"What? Hey, wait! My name's not..." Remy started to go after her.

"Hey, pal. Get back to work," A large crew member blocked his way. "You know the rules. Only actors, directors and camera operators are allowed back here."

"Oh really?" Remy spotted the tour and nabbed one of the photographer's cameras. "Sorry _homme_. I need to borrow this."

"Hey, that's my camera!" The man protested. "Give it back...ahhh!" He yelped as Remy casually pushed him into a nearby rack of costumes.

"Ah, that's better," Remy grinned as he strode after Janet. "Now how do you work this thing?" He fiddled with the large, old-fashioned camera.

FLASH!

"Ahhh!" Remy yelped as the giant flash bulb suddenly went off. He stumbled back and blindly fell through a door.

"Eeek!"

"Huh?" Remy blinked away spots and saw he had fallen into a long women's dressing room. Over a dozen women were in various stages of dress. "Oops!"

"Hey, that man has a camera!" One of the women shouted.

"He must be trying to sneak pictures of us!" Another woman dressed as a flapper shouted.

"What? NO!" Remy protested getting up. "This is just a mistake!"

"I'll say it's a mistake," One frontier-dressed woman snapped. "And you made it!"

"Look!" A woman dressed as a duchess pointed. "He also brought pairs of silk stockings in here!"

"He must have wanted to take pictures of us wearing them!" Another woman gasped. "Or putting them on!"

"Uh oh," Remy gulped and scooped the spilt stockings back into his trench coat while slowly backing for the door. "Look, this is all a big misunderstanding so I'll just be going now..."

"Oh no you don't!" One woman dressed as a nun glared at him. "We'll show you how we deal with sickos!"

"Get him!" The women roared.

"AAAHHHHHHHHH!" Remy yelled and ran off with the crowd of women hot on his heels. "SECURITY!"

* * *

><p><em>My, it is hot out<em>, Piotr wiped his forehead as he wandered around the studio lot. He ducked into a large stage building in an attempt to get out of the sun. _Of course it will be a lot hotter if we do not find Pyro_.

"Hey, hold the door!"

"Huh?" Piotr turned and saw a tall, handsome young man carrying a heavy table towards him. "Oh, of course."

"Thanks, pal," The man nodded as Piotr held the door open for him. "Hey, I haven't seen you here before."

"Oh, I am just...um...visiting," Piotr fumbled.

"Ah, okay," The man carried the table to one of the sets and plopped it down. He had light brown hair and was about the same height and age as Piotr, though slightly skinnier and not as well built. "The name's Duke Morrison. Nice to meet ya."

"Hello. I am Piotr," Piotr shook his hand. "Are you an actor?"

"Me? Na," Duke scoffed. "I've got a summer job working here as a prop mover. I just finished my freshman year at USC on a football scholarship, but I'm studying pre-law."

"Oh," Piotr nodded. "Congratulations."

"Thanks," Duke smiled. "So, you looking for a job? Or are you here on a tour?"

"Actually, I am looking for a friend. He is...lost," Piotr coughed. "In more ways than one. And very destructive."

"Huh, well good luck finding him," Duke waved. "Hey, that's a nice coat. It looks like it came right out of the Old West."

"Really," Piotr whistled. "Imagine that."

"Yeah, in looks just like those frock coats worn by some of the old cowboy consultants," Duke continued. "In fact, I think I saw that exact coat being worn once by Wyatt Earp..."

CRACK!

One of the large overhead stage lights broke free from its supports and fell towards him.

"Look out!" Piotr quickly shoved Duke aside.

CRASH!

"Piotr!" Duke gaped at him. "Are you alright?"

"I think so," Piotr waved with the stage light covering his skull. He had armored up his head at the last moment. "Hey, this thing is stuck. I can not see!"

"Watch it!" Duke warned.

"Ahhh!" Piotr stumbled back and blindly crashed into a scenic background.

"Yikes!" Actors and stage hands scattered as the falling background bumped into its neighbors, setting off a domino effect throughout the whole studio.

SMASH! SMASH! SMASH! SMASH!

"Oh man," Duke whistled as every set in the stage building came down. "And you said your friend was destructive."

"Why? What happened?" Piotr asked trying to pry the stage light off his head. "On second thought, do not tell me. I do not think I want to know."

* * *

><p>"Stupid Firebug," Sabertooth grumbled as he stomped down a row of stage sets. He had managed to get most of the asbestos out of his hair and clothes. "Stupid asbestos. Stupid time machine. Crud, I really need to kill something!"<p>

"Come on people! Time is money! Where's the wolfman?" A balding, medium-weight director bellowed impatiently. "Ah, there he is!"

"Hey, get off me!" Sabertooth snapped as some poor assistant tried to lead him toward a set.

"Sheesh, what kind of makeup job is this?" The director frowned at Sabertooth's appearance. "He doesn't look like a wolfman. He looks more like a mangy, old, overgrown alley cat."

"WHAT?!" Sabertooth roared in indignation.

"And those nails," The director scoffed. "What was wardrobe thinking? I wanted claws, not cones. Geeze, I've seen better nails at the hardware store."

"WHAT?!" Sabertooth began to twitch dangerously.

"Ah, well. Forget it. We'll make it work somehow," The director waved and took a seat. "Alright, I want a real moving scene. I want to be scared. No, I want to be terrified! You got that?"

"Oh yeah," Sabertooth glared and moved next to a pair of actresses.

"You'd better. We only got one shot at this," The director picked up his megaphone. "Okay, lights! Roll camera! And...action!"

"ROOOAAARRR!" Sabertooth pounced at him, knocking over the camera.

"Ahhhhhh!" The director yelped as he fell out of his seat. "What are you doing you...?"

"What's the matter, punk?" Sabertooth snarled as he casually tore the camera to pieces. He loomed over the fallen director with an evil look in his eye. "You **terrified** yet?"

"AAAIIIEEEEEEEEE!" The poor director screamed better than the actresses fleeing for their lives. "HELP! SECURITY!"

"What's going on here?" A squad of security guards appeared on the scene. "Hey you! Get away from him!"

"Or what?" Sabertooth snapped. "You gonna make me, wimp?"

"That's it. You're coming with us!" The security guards pulled out their batons.

"Oh yeah?" Sabertooth grinned slowing his claws. "Let's party!"

* * *

><p>"This is pointless," Mastermind muttered as he meandered down the crowded main studio street. "How am I supposed to find one crazy, out of control wacko in a whole town filled with crazy, out of control wackos?"<p>

KA-BOOOOOOM!

"HAHAHAHAHA!"

"Ask a stupid question," Mastermind groaned as cries began to be heard from every corner of the studio lot.

"Who let all the goats out of their holding pen?" A very harried voice yelled out.

"Help! Prop rooms in stages 3 through 6 are on fire!"

"Who painted those directors purple?"

"How did all these spotlights explode?"

"Help! I'm drowning in a stage filled with balloons and I can't get out!"

BROOOAAAOOOUUUHHHHHHHHH!

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" One poor soul sped by on a rocket-powered motorcycle.

"Look out! Somebody let all the horses loose!"

"BE FREE MY FINE ANIMAL FRIENDS! FREE! FREE! FREE!" Pyro's insane laughter filled every person in the lot with fear.

"Of course," Mastermind groaned. "I should have known!"

"SOMEBODY GET THESE CRAZY _FEMMES_ AWAY FROM ME!" Remy yelled in terror. "HEY WHERE DID YOU GET THOSE KNITTING NEEDLES? YEEEOOOWWW!"

"GET BACK HERE YOU SICKO!" A mob of women chased after him.

"Help! Some crazy kid stuffed me into this gorilla suit and I can't get out!"

"Hit the deck! It's raining fire bubbles!"

"Aiieeeeee!" A line of film producers ran around dressed in full clown makeup.

"Who switched all the skin moisturizer with rubber cement?"

"Gahhhhhh! Half the scripts have been ripped to pieces! And the rest have been burned!"

"Good riddance!"

"NEIGH!" Several horses raced down the street dressed in pirate costumes.

"How did that car get on top of the skyscraper set? And what happened to all its windows?"

"MY CAR! AAAGGGHHHHHH!"

"Aaahhhhhh!" A security guard flew through the air before crashing into a fake wall.

SMASH!

"Owie," The guard moaned.

"BAAAAAAHHHHHH!" A herd of goats ran wild throughout the lot.

"This is priceless!" The first director grinned in the middle of the lot while his cameraman filmed the whole spectacle. "It's wild! It's mad! It's spontaneous! You can't write comedy like this! This film is gonna make me millions!"

"**You** millions?" The cameraman gave him a look.

"AAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!" People fled in terror from a taxi being driven by a peep of chickens.

"Who tied up the casting director with film tape?"

"Somebody did **what** with the prop locomotive?"

"Get this fake moose head off me!"

FA-WHOOOOOOM!

A mushroom cloud of makeup blew the roof right off of a building.

"Help! Some hairy blonde guy stuck me to the chandelier and I can't get loose!"

"Aaahhhhhh!" A squad of security guards stumbled by wearing tutus.

"This is insane!" One frenetic actor shouted. "Hollywood isn't supposed to be some kind of wild, chaotic realm of stupidity!"

"Are you kidding?" Mastermind quipped. "Stick around for a few decades and then you'll **really** see something!"

"Oooh," Piotr and Duke walked up to him. Piotr had finally managed to pry the destroyed stage light off his head. "Where is Pyro? Did you manage to catch him?"

"What do **you** think?" Mastermind indicated the madness around them.

"Wow Piotr," Duke whistled at the sight. "When you said your friend was destructive you weren't kidding!"

"Who mixed pink dye into the water system?"

"Somebody stole my leading lady and I want her back!"

"AAAUUUGGGHHH! NOT MORE FIRE BUBBLES! AIIIEEEEEEEEE!"

"Yikes!" The first cameraman yelped as a stray fire bubble set his pants on fire. "AAAHHHHHH! HOT! HOT! HOT!"

"Baaahhh!" A pair of goats sniffed at him before proceeding to eat the camera.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" The first director screamed as the hungry goats ran off with it. He proceeded to chase after them. "COME BACK HERE WITH MY FILM!"

"LEAVE ME ALONE YOU CRAZY _FEMMES_!" Remy wailed.

"DIE!"

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

"Looks like I'm not the only one having a good time," Sabertooth trotted over with a satisfied look on his face. "Ah, I really needed that!"

"Dare I ask what you have been up to?" Mastermind asked.

"Just helping some underqualified employees make important career decisions," Sabertooth smirked.

"WAAAHHHHHH! MOMMY!" A pack of grown men bawled while running for the gates. "I DON'T WANNA BE A SECURITY GUARD ANYMORE! I'M GONNA QUIT AND BE A PUPPY GROOMER!"

"Will somebody get these blasted wigs off me?" A man stumbled by looking like a walking ball of hair.

CREEEEAAAK!

CRASH!

"AAAGGGHHHHHH!" People screamed as a small fake water tower collapsed before proceeding to roll down the street. They frantically attempted to avoid being flattened by it.

"_Fire is a beautiful thing! I know, I know!_" Pyro sang while leading a flaming chorus line of dancing crocodiles. "_Fire is a beautiful thing! I know, oh yes I know!_"

"Oh no, not again," Piotr groaned at the sight.

"I knew it! This whole jump is turning out to be just a cheap knock-off of one of our prior ones," Mastermind threw up his hands.

"Well, duh," Sabertooth gave him a look. "It's Hollywood!"

"Wow, that guy is good," Duke blinked at Pyro's antics. "His should star in his own movies."

"Don't encourage him," Mastermind groaned.

"Huh, that's funny," Sabertooth tilted his head at Duke's voice. "You sound kinda familiar..."

"And you should try out for the football team, Piotr. Or try to come out and catch a game or two," Duke took out a piece of paper and signed it. "Here's my name and address over at USC."

"Oh, thank you," Piotr accepted it.

"Well, I'd better go help out while I still have a job," Duke turned to leave. "So long, Piotr."

"Okay. Goodbye, Duke," Piotr waved.

"Duke?" Sabertooth turned and stared as the departing young man calmly walked off into the early sunset. "Na, it couldn't be."

"Who dumped floor wax into all the rain machines?" Panicked people continued to scream and run about.

"The fake pond set is boiling over with shaving cream!"

"Where did all this tapioca pudding come from?"

"Hey, there's a special effects shed over there! Let's check it out!" Pyro squealed running off. "Ooo, fireworks!

"Oh no you do not!" Piotr shouted and quickly chased after him. "GET BACK HERE!"

"Who ran the production manager up the flagpole in his underwear?" A visiting reporter gawked.

"Help! Somebody convinced Miss Gaynor to drag race down Sunset Blvd in a chariot!"

"What do you mean half of Stage 12 is **gone**?!"

"FOR THE LOVE OF MIKE SOMEBODY HELP ME!" Remy screamed as the women managed to catch up to him. "NO NOT THE CURLING IRONS! ANYTHING BUT THE CURLING IRONS! AAAIIIEEEEEEEEE!"

"PUT DOWN THOSE FIRECRACKERS PYRO! NO NOT THAT WAY!"

POP! POP! POP! POP! POP!

"Who plastered the back wall of the art department with lighting assistants and chewing gum?"

"Will someone get the remaining security guards to stop crying and help already?"

"STOP EATING MY FILM! NOOOOOOOOO!"

"BAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

"Oh geeze," Mastermind groaned as insanity reigned about them. "Do you ever feel like you are stuck living with a mutant version of the Marx Brothers?"

"All the time," Sabertooth grunted. "**All** the time."

* * *

><p><strong>Historical notes: <strong>**Marion**** "Duke" Morrison continued to attend ****USC**** until his sophomore year when he suffered a shoulder injury which caused him to lose his scholarship. He returned to work at Fox Film Corporation the next year as a prop mover and later pursued an acting career; his major break being cast for the film The Big Trail in 1930 A.D. He eventually went on to make and star in over 140 movies under his more famous stage name: John Wayne.**

**Fox Film Corporation merged with Twentieth Century Pictures to form 20th Century Fox in 1935 A.D.**

**The Academy Awards first began to be awarded in 1929 A.D.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the song "Color is a Beautiful Thing".**


	33. Great Minds Think Acolyte

**Great Minds Think Acolyte**

"Ohhh," Piotr staggered and rubbed his temples. "Thank goodness that is over. Do you think those Hollywood people will be able to put out the rest of fires?"

"If they don't that last tidal wave of tapioca pudding will," Mastermind snapped. "Good thing we got out of there when we did. I heard someone calling for the National Guard! Despite all the pudding clogging my ears! Yuck!"

"Who cares? Like those lameos could have stood up to us," Sabertooth scoffed. "Too bad. I could have used another good fight."

"Bad _femmes_...bad _femmes_..." Remy twitched looking very disheveled. "That's the second time in a row I've been chased by an angry mob. Please don't let this one be the third!"

"I do not think that will be a problem here," Piotr said looking around. The Acolytes had appeared in the middle of a long, dimly lit hallway. "Where did we end up this time?"

"Smells like some kind of dinky office building or something," Sabertooth sniffed. "Lots of paper and wooden furniture."

"Sounds like a perfect place to start a fire," Remy groaned rubbing his side. "Thank goodness that's **one** thing we don't have to worry about happening here."

"Mmmpppphhh!" Pyro muffled while trying to hop around. He was wearing a gag and blindfold over his uniform along with a makeshift straitjacket made out of heavy duty movie costumes.

"Now Pyro, you know the new rule," Remy said slowly. "You are to be tied up unless your powers are needed or it looks like you're gonna die."

"Still not sure about that last one," Sabertooth grunted.

"Does he really need to be gagged?" Piotr asked. "It seems kind of cruel."

"Not as cruel as having to listen to him," Mastermind quipped.

"Fine, the gag can go," Remy removed it. "As long as he promises to keep quiet."

"Gahhh!" Pyro gasped greedily. "What's happening? Where are we? What did you stuff in my mouth? It tastes like a pair of burnt socks!"

"Actually, it's a pair of silk stockings," Remy commented. "They were ripped and got pudding on them so I didn't care if they got destroyed."

"Oh, well that's not so bad," Pyro shrugged. "Come to think of it, it's kind of a nice taste."

"Oh geeze," Mastermind groaned. "Let's figure out where and when we are while I still have some sanity left!"

WHACK!

"What was that?" Piotr froze. "Is someone nearby?"

"Yeah. Smells and sounds like there are three people in there," Sabertooth pointed at one door that had been left slightly ajar. "Let's check it out."

"Wait!" Mastermind hissed. "Give me a second to hide our appearances from them." He focused for a moment. "Okay, ready."

"Good," Remy nodded as the Acolytes peeked into the room.

"_Freche kind!_" A stiff, dour-looking man snapped at a young boy standing in front of a desk. An older man with a long, distinguished-looking beard stood nearby. "_Sie müssen lernen wie man respekt zu zeigen!_"

"_Aber ich..._" The boy mumbled.

"_Schweigen!_" The man rapped the boy's knuckles with a hard ruler. The other man nodded and smacked the boy on the behind with a long cane.

"ROOOAAARRRRRR!" Sabertooth stormed into the room and grabbed both men by their throats.

"Ahhhhhh!" The men screamed and gaped in terror while seemingly being held in midair.

"So much for hiding our appearances," Remy quipped as Mastermind removed the illusions from the men's minds.

"AAAHHHHHH!" The men shrieked in horror as Sabertooth appeared.

"YOU LIKE HITTING LITTLE KIDS PUNKS?" Sabertooth held the men up by their necks and shook them. "WHY DON'T YOU TRY HITTING ME?"

"What is it with Sabertooth protecting little kids?" Piotr wondered. "He does not seem to mind fighting the younger members of the X-Men."

"He must have a soft spot for them or something," Pyro shrugged. "Or he only fights kids who are teenagers."

"Who can blame him?" Mastermind muttered glaring at the younger Acolytes. "Teenagers are nuts!"

"Accckkk," The two men were quickly turning very unhealthy shades of blue.

"Uh, Sabes? I think they get the point," Remy said as the Acolytes entered the room.

"They better," Piotr frowned and moved toward the boy who was starring at them in shock. "Are you okay?"

"_Was...was bist du?_" The boy gasped in amazement. "_Wie hast du das gemacht?_"

"What's going on? What's everybody saying?" Pyro asked still blindfolded.

"They're speaking German," Sabertooth threw the men into a pair of chairs and loomed over them dangerously. "Duh!"

"Maybe we should turn the translators back on," Piotr tapped at his ear.

"Right," Remy nodded as he and Mastermind followed suit.

"What about me? I wanna know what everybody is saying too!" Pyro whined.

Mastermind casually whacked Pyro on the side of the head. "Better?"

"Ooo, yeah," Pyro whistled dazedly. "Thanks mate."

"Well that solves one problem," Remy said. "Here's another. How do we get them to understand us?"

"Easy. I speak German, remember?" Sabertooth snorted. "And I already asked them where we are. They say we're at the Luitpold Gymnasium."

"Oh, so this is some kind of sports center?" Remy asked.

"No. That's a different kind of gymnasium," Mastermind explained. "This kind of gymnasium is a type of secondary school. Like a prep school kids attend to get ready for college."

"That explains the large number of students in the schoolyard," Piotr peered out a window. "They must be having some sort of recess. Some of them appear to be marching in formations."

"Ah, school. I remember I had so much fun way back then," Pyro reminisced. "Playing in class, sleeping in class, cutting class, setting fires in class..."

"How nice," Mastermind groaned turning to Sabertooth. "Ask those men what year it is."

"No need. The machine has finally cleared up," Remy reported indicating a screen. It read:

**September 18, 1889 A.D.****  
><strong>**Munich****, ****Germany**

"Well, that doesn't help much," Mastermind frowned. "But at least we are in a nice city in a quiet, peaceful part of the word. There is nothing we really need to be concerned about here."

"Except for these two," Sabertooth glared at the two men who were shaking in fear in their chairs. "I know how I wanna handle them." He suddenly bent down and roared in their faces. "Why were you two scumbags beating on the kid?"

"I...I am his teacher," The dour man stuttered at Sabertooth's German. "He is the Rector. We were instructing him."

"On what? How to be a sadist?" Remy snarled. "What kind of sick teacher hits a kid and calls it 'teaching'?"

"But he needs to be taught," The older man presumed to be the Rector gulped nervously as Sabertooth translated. "He does not perform well. He does not play sports. He is a dull wit. His mind is like a sieve!"

"Better than having a mind like Swiss cheese," Sabertooth bared his claws dangerously. "Which is what **your** minds are gonna be like in a minute!"

"But he is impudent! Disrespectful!" The teacher babbled desperately. "All he does in class is sit in the back row and smile!"

"What?" Remy did a take and stared at the boy. "You're hitting him just because he **smiles** too much?"

"And I thought Magneto was strict," Mastermind blinked.

"That's it! You two are never gonna try and teach this kid again!" Sabertooth declared.

"It does not matter. He will never be a success at anything," The teacher cried.

"And you two will never be anything," Sabertooth growled raising his claws. "Like anything that resembles being **alive**!"

"AAAHHHHHH!" The men screamed as Sabertooth prepared to strike.

"Wait just a sec, Sabes," Remy placed a hand on his arm. "I got a better idea."

"Really?" Mastermind raised an eyebrow. "Like what?"

"Well, hitting kids is all about oppressing and humiliating them, right?" Remy rummaged through the desk before pulling out a bottle of ink and some scissors. "So I say we show these two losers just what it means to be humiliated!"

"Oh yeah," Sabertooth grinned evilly causing both men to tremble in terror. "I like this idea!"

"Oh, what the heck. Might as well join in," Mastermind sighed. "Even I agree these two deserve it. They remind me of some of the horrible teachers I used to have."

"What...what are you...aaahhhhhhhh!" The Rector yelled as Sabertooth slashed their suits open.

"Check the desks. See if you can find any colored inks or art paste," Remy said as he tied both men to the chairs with their own clothes. "Better get comfy, _bon reins_. This ain't gonna be pretty..."

"Oh dear," Piotr gulped at the screams as Sabertooth, Remy and Mastermind began to work over the two men. "I do not think we need to see this." He turned the boy away from the sight and guided him to another part of the classroom. "Do not worry. They will not hurt them much. I think."

"You people are very strange," The boy spoke hesitantly. He had dark hair, inquisitive eyes and appeared to be about ten years old. "I do not understand you."

"Don't worry, mate. Nobody understands us!" Pyro smiled hopping up next to him. He had somehow managed to shake off the blindfold. "We're just a happy group of mutants full of fun ideas and random emotions."

"Random motions?" The boy slowly repeated the unfamiliar words.

"Eh, close enough," Pyro shrugged.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THOSE SCISSORS?!" The Rector was heard screaming. "HELP! GET AWAY FROM ME! AAAHHHHHH!"

"So, what is your name?" Piotr winced while trying to block out the sounds of wailing.

"Name?" The boy looked confused.

"Yes, your name. I am Piotr," Piotr gestured to himself. "Piotr." He pointed at Pyro. "Pyro." He then indicated the boy questioningly.

"Ah. Albie," The boy smiled.

"Hiya, Al," Pyro smiled back. "Hey, don't let those two blokes get you down. They're nothing but a pair of lightweight galahs."

"Light...quantas?" Albie repeated erroneously.

"YEEEOOOWWW! NOT MY HAIR!" The teacher shrieked. "MERCY!"

"And don't worry about us either," Pyro continued cheerfully. "We won't let Masty mess with your head or anything. He won't erase your memories of us hanging out with you while we're in this place and time."

"Space-time," Albie said thoughtfully.

"Hey look. I found some rubber bands," Mastermind spoke up.

"I found some candles and muslin sheets," Remy grinned. "Time for some wax-assisted hair removal!"

"AAAGGGHHHHHH!"

"That's another thing. I don't see why we have to worry about being seen by the locals all the time," Pyro rambled as the two men howled in terror. "Okay, sometimes it makes sense, but we really outta be trying to get noticed. Do things that will make us famous! Or at least things that will get people to read our names in the history books. That's my fame of preference."

"Frame of reference?" Albie cocked his head.

"OH MOTHER THAT HURTS! OWIE! OWIE! OWIE!"

"Ah, shaddup ya big baby," Remy smirked. "Anybody still have duct tape?"

"I used the last of mine up on those Hollywood blokes," Pyro said. "Let me check with Colossus." He turned and saw Piotr shake his head. "Sorry. He is empty too."

"Eee is em see two?" Albie repeated. "Hmmm, that is kind of catchy."

"Aw, forget it. We'll just have to make do," Remy waved. "Okay, one more pass and..."

POOF!

SPLORT!

"AAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!"

"Okay, all done," Remy announced.

"Thank goodness," Piotr sighed turning around. "Oh my!"

"Ta da!" Sabertooth smirked at their work. Both the teacher and Rector were stripped to their undergarments while looking like a pair of badly shaved clowns. "Whaddya think?"

"It is very...different," Piotr blinked. "How did you make the checkerboard pattern on their faces?"

"A little chalk, a little graphite," Remy winked. "And we stuffed their mouths full of rubber erasers."

"MMMPPPHHH!" The two men tried to cry out.

"Nice job, mates," Pyro smiled. "I can't believe you didn't let me help out."

"I can't believe you all expect each other to be carrying duct tape," Mastermind blinked. "Do you always do that?"

"Hey, you never know," Remy grinned and indicated the two men. "Let's get these two outta here."

"Allow me!" Sabertooth gleefully picked them up before throwing them both out a window.

CRASH!

"There, that does it," Sabertooth wiped his hands as every student in the schoolyard froze before erupting into laughter. "Those two twits are gonna learn about humiliation really darn quick!"

"YAY! FREEDOM!" Several of the students shouted running off. "NO MORE CLASS!"

"Huh, well that's different," Remy said watching them go. "For such a strict-looking school the truant rules around here are really lax."

"Actually, the students have a point," Mastermind explained. "They don't have substitute teachers here. If a teacher is sick or indisposed the teacher's classes are cancelled."

"Really?" Remy's eyebrows shot up. "Man, I wish my school had worked like that! Not that I ever would have attended class anyway..."

"Well, I guess you can be off too," Piotr told Albie and motioned him towards the door. "It was nice to meet you."

"I do not understand you, but I like you," Albie smiled at him. He took out a pencil and handed it to Piotr before heading for the door. "Goodbye."

"Bye Al!" Pyro chirped waving his body from side to side. "Make sure to remember us and look for our names in the history books!"

"Come on, Pyro. There's no way we're gonna get our names in any of the history books," Remy scoffed. "And neither is that kid."

"There you are," The Acolytes peeked out into the hallway as a second teacher spotted Albie and approached him. "I have been looking everywhere for you. Come along, Mr. Einstein."

"Einstein?" Mastermind gasped. "Wait a second...Al...that was **Albert Einstein?!**"

"WHAT?!" Sabertooth roared. "NO WAY!"

"Holy," Remy whistled. "We just met Albert Einstein!"

"He gave me his pencil," Piotr gazed at it in amazement.

"And he spent most of his time talking with **Pyro**!" Mastermind realized.

"Uh oh," Remy gulped. "That can't been good."

"Hey, neat!" Pyro chirped. "I'm pals with Albert Einstein. That must make us brain buddies!"

"Exactly what all did Pyro say to him?" Mastermind to turn Piotr.

"Um, not much," Piotr fumbled to remember. "Just a few things about motion, light, time, frames of reference..."

"Well, that doesn't sound too bad," Remy relaxed.

"Are you **kidding**?" Mastermind gaped at him. "Some of Einstein's most famous works center around motion, light, time and frames of reference!"

"Oh," Remy blinked. "I did not know that. But that means..."

"Oh no, no, no!" Mastermind began to hyperventilate. "I refuse to believe it! It can't be possible! One of the greatest minds who ever lived was **not** just influenced by one of the **craziest** ones who appeared to him looking like an escapee from mental institution!"

"Aren't you being a little harsh?" Piotr asked. "Pyro is not that..."

"Look at me! I'm gonna use new Einstein-enhanced powers to defy gravity and run onto the ceiling!" Pyro giggled and ran towards one of the walls only to smack straight into it. "Ow! Ooo, let me try again..."

"On second thought," Piotr groaned.

"Come on, genius," Remy grabbed Pyro's collar before he could make another run at the wall. "Just settle down and wait until we can use the machine again while you still have some brain cells left."

"Or whatever you have that passes for them," Mastermind muttered.

"But I've been in the direct presence of Albert Einstein," Pyro whined. "I don't need brain cells!"

"No kidding," Sabertooth growled. "This has gotta be one of the stupidest situations we've ever been in!"

"You know, Einstein once said that the only two infinite things are the universe and human stupidity," Mastermind commented. "And he wasn't sure about the universe."

"Well for once Einstein was only half right," Remy concluded. "Human stupidity isn't the most infinite concept in the universe. Human **insanity **is!"

* * *

><p><strong>Historical note: Albert Einstein was a theoretical physicist and is considered one of the greatest scientists of all time. He is best known for providing evidence of the existence of atoms from his analysis of Brownian Motion, discovering the Law of the Photoelectric Effect (which he received the Nobel Prize in Physics for in 1921 A.D.), developing the General and Special Theories of Relativity and deriving the mass–energy equation E=mc^2.<strong>


	34. Son of the Dragon

**Warning: The following chapter contains T-rated graphic content that surpasses the K+ rating of this story.**

* * *

><p><strong><span>Son of the Dragon<span>**

"Aaahhhhhh!" Mastermind arrived in the next time period only to find himself falling. He soon struck a hard sloped surface and slid down it until he hit the ground. "Ow!"

"Ohhh, that hurt," Remy moaned sprawled out next to him. "I thought we were finally done making lousy landings."

"I wish we were finally done with this trip," Piotr shook off his disorientation before looking up at the dark, foreboding stone fortification they had landed next to. A stout wall surrounded a small palace-like complex while a single round, crenellated tower dominated one corner. The Acolytes had appeared just outside the second floor of the compound and had slid down on one of the sloped buttresses. "This place seems kind of spooky."

"Help! Get me down!" Pyro yelped while hanging several feet above their heads. The back of his makeshift straightjacket had caught on a slightly protruding brick from the palace's wall. "I can't get loose!"

"Just a moment," Piotr reached up so Pyro could stand on his upstretched hands. "Okay, now jump up."

"Right...ahhh!" Pyro cried as he unhooked his clothing before falling toward the ground like a rock. Piotr caught him just in time. "Whew! Thanks, mate."

"No problem," Piotr gently set him down on his feet.

"I have a funny feeling about this place," Mastermind studied the stone palace and lone tower in trepidation as the late afternoon covered them in shadows. "Where exactly are we?"

"Just a second...ah, okay," Remy said as one of the machine's screens finished clearing up. He turned it towards his teammates. It read:

**June 19, 1462 A.D.****  
><strong>**Târgoviște, ****Wallachia**

"Uh, where is Wallachia?" Piotr frowned in confusion.

"I don't know. I've never heard of it," Remy shrugged.

"Never have I," Pyro paused for a moment. "Though it sounds kinda familiar..."

"Oh no," Mastermind blanched and double-checked the machine's reading in horror. "Oh no, no, no!"

"What? What is it?" Remy glanced at the screen again.

"This is bad. This is **very** bad!" Mastermind began to literally tremble in fear.

"Why? What is wrong?" Piotr looked at him in concern.

"Me, hopefully," Mastermind gulped. "I **really**, **really** hope I'm wrong!"

"Wrong about what?" Pyro pressed. "Spit it out man!"

"Well, I don't really know that much about the history of Wallachia," Mastermind shuddered. "But based on the date, I think we've arrived in southern Romania during the main reign of Vlad the Impaler!"

"Really?" Pyro's eyes grew wide. "Wow, poor bugger. He must have a really bad case of asthma or something."

"NOT **INHALER **YOU IDIOT!" Mastermind yelled at him. "VLAD THE **IMPALER**!"

"O-kay," Pyro blinked. "Who's Vlad the Impaler?"

"You're the gothic romance writer and you don't know that?" Mastermind snapped. "Maybe you'll recognize his other name: Vlad Dracula!"

"WHAT?!" Remy and Piotr yelped.

"Whoa, really?" Pyro chirped. "Neat! I bet I could get a lot of story ideas from this. I wanna meet him!"

"No, you don't," Mastermind gulped. "Trust me on this!"

"So, is this Vlad really a vampire?" Piotr asked hesitantly.

"No, that's pop culture nonsense," Mastermind shuddered. "Dracul just means 'dragon' or 'devil'. No relation to vampires at all. Believe me, the real Vlad was bad enough!"

"Okay," Piotr said. "But why is he called 'the Impaler'?"

"Is it because he liked double entendres?" Remy asked.

"No," Mastermind pointed behind them. "It's because of **that**!"

"What...OH MY!" Piotr turned around and gasped at the sight of a rotting corpse impaled on the top of a twelve-foot long stake standing on the outer edges of the palace complex. Hundreds more bodies in various stages of decay ringed the compound, all of them impaled on stakes. Past them stood thousands more, a literal forest of impaled bodies bordering both sides of the road leading from the palace, out into the city and beyond.

"Holy," Remy shivered in horror at the sight. "This is hideous!"

"I think I am going to be sick," Piotr gagged.

"You're not the only one," Mastermind moaned.

"I'm scared, Gambit," Pyro whimpered.

"Me too," Remy admitted. "Even Sabes would be sick at the sight of this. Say, where **is** Sabes?"

"Huh?" Piotr blinked looking around. "I do not know. I did not see him arrive with us."

"Maybe he didn't make the trip," Pyro suggested. "Maybe he's still back in that school in Germany."

"Oh no," Piotr groaned. "We lost Sabertooth!"

"Na, I don't think so," Remy thought. "He should've been close enough to the machine. He was trying to slap the gag on Pyro again when we activated it."

"Give me a second. I'll see if I can sense his mental signature," Mastermind prepared to use his powers.

"Hey you!" A squad of soldiers armed with swords and crossbows appeared from around one side of the palace. "Halt!"

"Uh oh. Run!" Remy tossed a fistful of charged cards at them.

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

"Aaahhhhhh!" The soldiers shielded their eyes as the Acolytes took off. "Get them!"

"Hey! Somebody free me so I can fight back!" Pyro wiggled as he ran. "I don't wanna be impaled!"

"Neither do I!" Mastermind whimpered as several crossbow bolts flew past them.

"This way!" Remy led them around the imposing tower and into the main courtyard only to be confronted by an even larger body of soldiers busy erecting more stakes topped with impaled bodies. "Or not."

"Uh oh," Piotr gulped as the pursuing soldiers appeared, surrounding the four mutants with drawn swords, crossbows, halberds and primitive hand cannons. "This is not good."

"No, ya think?" Mastermind snapped.

"What is going on here?" A commanding, well-built man strode forward wearing a frocked red hat, red coat, black belt and fine leather boots. He appeared to be about thirty years old. "Who are these people?"

"Hey, is it just me, or does that bloke look just like Sabes?" Pyro asked.

"You're right, he does," Remy blinked in surprise. "That is if Sabes had dark hair, a mustache and was about a foot or so shorter."

"Who are you?" The man glared at the Acolytes with a dangerous look in his eyes. "Speak!"

"They are intruders, my lord," One of the pursuing soldiers spoke up. "We caught them hiding around the palace trying to sneak in."

"Huh? We were not," Pyro sputtered. "If anything we were trying to sneak out!"

"What?" The man roared pointed a finger at them. "You dare talk back against the Prince of Wallachia?"

"Prince?" Mastermind choked and stared at the man in revelation. "Oh my gosh! That's Vlad the Impaler!"

"Really?" Remy studied the man. "Huh, I thought he'd be taller."

"Silence!" Vlad ordered glaring at them in annoyance. "What language are they speaking? I do not recognize it."

"I do not know, my lord," A soldier dressed like an officer thought for a moment. "It almost sounds like a mutilated form of Saxon."

"Saxon, eh? Then they must be spies!" Vlad declared. "Spies or traitors! They must be working for the Hungarians or the Grand Turk. Seize them!"

"Uh oh," Piotr gulped as the Wallacians raised their crossbows and hand cannons. "This is really not good."

"Careful! I want them taken **alive**," Vlad ordered indicating the impaled corpses with a grin that was full of evil. "They can join their Turkish friends before we leave for the fortress at Poenari!"

"Oh no," Mastermind began to shake as the soldiers prepared to rush them. "No, no, no! I am not going to be impaled!"

"What do we do?" Piotr looked around nervously and prepared to armored up. "Can we risking fighting them? It may change history."

"Who cares about history?" Remy readied his cards. "It's either them or us and it ain't gonna be us!"

"Wait! I have an idea!" Pyro said. "Quick! Battle maneuver 42!"

"42? Are you kidding?" Remy snapped.

"Just do it!" Pyro pleaded. "Trust me!"

"He has a point," Piotr agreed. "It is worth a shot."

"Fine," Remy grumbled and quickly primed himself. "Ready...and..."

"Wait, what are you doing? What is battle maneuver...?" Mastermind trailed off just as the soldiers began to rush forward.

"_Goodbye My Southern Roguey Chérie! Farewell my own true love! True love!_" The three younger Acolytes sang in unison. "_I'm gonna go away and leave you! Never to see you any! Never going to see you any!_"

"Huh?" Vlad and the other Wallacians were stunned in their tracks. "What is this? What are they doing?"

"I wish I knew," Mastermind blinked at the performance. "On second thought, no I don't!"

"_I'm going to go and annoy Magneto! Never to return again!_" The Acolytes continued to bellow in tune. "_Return again!_"

"_So goodbye_," Remy crooned.

"_Farewell_," Piotr sighed.

"_So long forever!_" The three mutants sang in harmony. "_Goodbye My Southern Rogue! Goodbye My Southern Rogue! Goodbye My Southern Roguey Chérie, Chérie, Chérie, Chérie, Chérrrrrrie!_"

The silence following the sudden performance was deafening. "O-kay," Mastermind finally managed to speak. "What...the heck...was **that**?!"

"Battle maneuver 42," Pyro gave him a look. "Duh."

"Well, it did not begin as a battle maneuver," Piotr admitted sheepishly. "We originally planned to perform it when we ran into a specific member of the X-Men."

"Gee, I wonder who that could be," Mastermind drawled sarcastically. "And **who** came up with that stupid idea."

"Hey, it's a great idea," Remy defended. "One rousing round of that is sure to sweep Rogue off her feet!"

"That's one way to put it," Mastermind groaned. "But whatever possessed you to perform it now?"

"Hey, it worked didn't it?" Pyro indicated their audience.

"That was...weird," Vlad blinked at the Acolytes in amazement. "I did not understand a word of it, but it was strangely...alluring."

"I think he liked it," Piotr said. "Should we do another?"

"Why not? It beats fighting and being impaled," Pyro nodded.

"Fine," Remy sighed. "Though it's too bad Sabes isn't here. He's really good as the bass."

"No worries. We'll make do," Pyro smiled. "Let's try number 63. And a one, and a two..."

"_Let me call you sweetheart! I'm in love with you!_" The Acolytes began singing again to the spellbound Wallacians.

"Oh no, not again," Mastermind winced and attempted to cover his ears. "Wherever Sabertooth is now has got to be a better place than **this**!"

* * *

><p>Meanwhile...<p>

"Gahhhhhh!" Sabertooth hissed while cursing under his breath. He had arrived along with the rest of the Acolytes and his relative position to the machine had him fortunately appear within the second floor of the palace. Unfortunately, his hands had appeared inside the stone wall separating him from his teammates and had immediately fused with it. Sabertooth had unsuccessfully attempted to use brute strength to rip his hands free before hitting upon a sure, but painful solution.

_Well, I haven't had to do **this** in a while_, Sabertooth mentally cursed while looking at the bloody stumps where he had chewed through his own arms at the wrists. His healing factor was still busy repairing the damage. _Forgot how much it hurts. Good thing I didn't have to bite off my coat sleeves too._ He glanced over where the raw pulp of his hands remained fused into the wall. _This place just gained one heck of a souvenir. Hmmm, wonder if those will end up being the start of some bloody rumors around here. That is if anyone bothers to notice them..._

Sabertooth looked around at the stark, but finely crafted room he had ended up in. The ornate bed and furniture indicated the room had recently been much better decorated and furnished. _Looks like we're still lost in time somewhere. I swear I'm gonna get those idiots for sending us on this stupid trip! I'll strangle 'em! Just as soon as my hands grow back..._

The door suddenly opened and a pretty, dark-haired woman entered the room. She wore a red silk dress, jeweled necklace and appeared to be in her late twenties. "_Că ar trebui să fie ultima. Nimic altceva nu poate fi luat...d__omnul meu!_"

"Oh great," Sabertooth growled. "So much for not being seen."

"_Soț. Am crezut că ești în curte_," The woman stared at him in shock. "_Ce faci aici?_"

"Just a second, lady," Sabertooth managed to turn his translator on with one of his partially regrown hands without showing it to the woman. "There, that's better."

"What have you done to yourself?" The woman walked up to him while studying his face. "Your mustache is gone. And your hair! So light!"

"Look, lady. I don't know what you're talking about," Sabertooth trailed off as the woman place a warm hand on his cheek.

"I have been so scared these past few weeks," The woman sighed while slowly stroking his mutton chops. "The thought of the Turks killing you and taking me have filled me with worry, dear husband."

"Husband?!" Sabertooth choked. "What the heck are you...?"

"Please, let us enjoy one last moment together before we leave for Poenari," The woman whispered softly. "For one moment forget about war and royalty and just be my Vlad."

"Vlad? My name's not..." Sabertooth froze as the woman reached up and gave him a soft, passionate kiss. "On the other hand..."

"Shhh, no more words," The woman led them both to sit on the bed. "You are not making sense anyway. Just stay and be here with me."

"Whatever you say, lady," Sabertooth grinned and wrapped a nearly completely healed hand around her waist. _I think I'm gonna enjoy this time period..._

* * *

><p>Meanwhile...<p>

"_Down by the old! Not the new, but the old, mill stream! Not the river, but the stream!_" Remy, Pyro and Piotr swayed together in unison. By now every soldier within hearing range had stopped impaling bodies and had crammed themselves around the Acolytes. "_Where I first! Not last, but first, met you! Not me, but you!_"

"Wahhhhhh!" Vlad wept in either joy, laughter, pain, or a combination of all three. The rest of the Wallacians were in a similar state. "This is incredible! I can't take any more!"

"You said it," Mastermind moaned while still futilely attempting to block out the singing. "Please, no more!"

"_With your eyes! Not your nose, but your eyes, of blue! Not green, but blue!_" The three younger mutants sang their hearts out. "_Dressed in ging! Not silk, but ging-ham too! Not three, but two!_"

"Shoot me. Shoot me now," Mastermind cried.

"_It was there! Not here, but there! I knew, not old, but new!_" The Acolyte trio continued to croon in tune. "_That you loved! Not liked, but loved me true!_"

"Ooo, ooo, ooo!" The Wallacians howled.

"_You were sixteen!_" Remy warbled.

"_You were sixteen!_" Pyro and Piotr repeated.

"_My Southern queen!_" Remy swooned.

"_My Southern queen!_" Pyro and Piotr followed.

"_Down by the o-old mill stream! The old mill streeeeeeam!_" The Acolytes finished with a flourish.

"That's it! I can't take it anymore!" Mastermind grabbed Remy and dragged him away. "We're leaving now!"

"Hey, where are you going?" Pyro ran after them. "I haven't done my solo yet!"

"Ha ha ha, huh?" Vlad blinked as Piotr followed his teammates. "The intruders are escaping. After them!"

"Oh great!" Mastermind cursed at the ring of soldiers encircling the palace complex. "Looks like we're going to have to fight our way out after all!"

"Not if we go this way!" Remy dashed for the front door of the palace.

"Wait for me!" Pyro yelled.

"Stop them! Stop them!" Vlad roared.

"Piotr, block the door!" Remy shouted as the Acolytes rushed inside.

"Right!" Piotr lifted a massive crossbar and locked it.

"Get them!" The sound of Vlad screaming was heard along with frantic pounding on the door. "Break it down! I will not be locked out of my own palace before I evacuate it!"

"Now what do we do?" Piotr asked.

"How about freeing me?" Pyro said indicating his bonds. "I'm still tied up!"

"The machine's finished cooling down," Remy ignored Pyro and glanced at a screen. "Let's get out of here."

"Wait. What about Sabertooth?" Piotr asked. "Shouldn't we look and see if he is here?"

"I guess so," Remy sighed. "But that means we gotta break out and search the whole city.

"Wait. Give me a second to see if he is close by," Mastermind focused and used his powers. "He's here! I think he's on the second floor!"

"Great. Let's get him," Remy ran off.

"How were you able to find Sabertooth so fast?" Piotr asked Mastermind as they ran. "And how do you know it is him?"

"I recognized his mental signature," Mastermind explained as they rushed up the staircase. "And he happened to be within range. If he was somewhere deep in the city I wouldn't have been able to sense him from here."

"Ah, okay," Piotr nodded.

"Where is the dumb Furball?" Remy grumbled as he reached the second floor and starting kicking in the doors. "Come on Sabes, olly olly oxen free! We gotta get outta here before...AAAHHHHHHHHH!"

"What? What is it?" Piotr ran up to him.

"Oh geeze," Remy looked very sick. "Bad image...bad image!"

"What? Have you found Sabertooth?" Piotr asked looking into a room. "Sabertooth, are you in here...OH MY GOSH!"

"Hey, shut the door, will ya?" Sabertooth called out from where he was happily entwined with Vlad's wife. "I'm busy here!"

"Oh, my eyes!" Piotr wailed stumbling away. "My eyes! My eyes!"

"What's going on? I wanna see!" Pyro tried peaking into the room.

"No you don't! Trust me on this!" Remy shuddered.

"I did not need to see that," Piotr moaned. "I did not **want** to see that! I am going to need therapy!"

"See what? Let me see!" Pyro whined.

"Nooo," Piotr held him back with one hand while covering his eyes with the other. "Do not see, do not see!"

"Wait a second," Mastermind studied Piotr's reaction before staring at Remy in shock. "Are you saying that Sabertooth...?"

"Uh huh," Remy groaned.

"With a...?" Mastermind began.

"Oh yeah," Remy moaned.

"And they were...?"

"Bleah!" Piotr confirmed by throwing up on a nearby statue.

"Oh no," Mastermind paled and clamped shut his eyes. "I did **not** need that image!"

"None of us need **that** image," Remy groaned.

"I do!" Pyro pouted. "What are you blokes talking about?"

"Don't ask. Just don't ask," Mastermind shuddered. "You're better off not knowing."

"Oh man. I'm gonna be traumatized for life. For **life**!" Remy looked at Mastermind beggingly. "Please tell me you can go into my mind and erase the past five minutes of it."

"No way!" Mastermind protested. "I'm not going to risk exposing my mind to that image! The one my imagination has conjured up is bad enough!"

"What's with all the shouting out here?" Sabertooth strode out of the room with a spring in his step and a smile on his face. "You're gonna wake that lady in there. She's all tired out."

"I wonder why," Remy twitched. "Ah, my eyes!"

"Man, I love this place," Sabertooth grinned straightening his coat with his fully healed and formed hands. "We gotta stay here!"

"NO! WE ARE NEVER STAYING HERE!" Remy shouted. "WE ARE LEAVING RIGHT NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW!"

"Sheesh! Fine," Sabertooth growled. "If it means that much to you, let's go. But I tell ya, I'm never going to forget about this place."

"I'm never going to forget the sight of that forest of impaled bodies," Pyro shivered. "It was creepy."

"I'm never going to forget the sight of you three idiots singing a barbershop quartet," Mastermind moaned. "It was sickening!"

"I'm never going to forget the sight of what Sabes was doing with that hot _femme_," Remy groaned. "If that isn't the **scariest** image ever I don't know what is!"

* * *

><p><strong>Historical note: Vlad <strong>**III****, also known as Vlad Dracula or Vlad the Impaler, was the Prince of ****Wallachia**** several times during the mid 15th century A.D.**** He has often been depicted as a cruel, sadistic tyrant as well as a cunning military leader and a symbol of Romanian independence****. He is best known for his favorite method of torture and execution: impalement.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the songs "Goodbye, My ****Coney Island**** Baby", "Let Me Call You Sweetheart" or "Down By the Old Mill Stream".**


	35. Getting Down in Motown

**Getting Down in Motown**

"Ohhh," Mastermind groaned painfully and slowly rubbed his head. "Good gosh, what the heck was I drinking?"

"Hey, he's awake," A familiar voice broke through his daze.

"Huh?" Mastermind blinked and recognized the other four Acolytes looking at him. "Ugh, what happened?"

"Don't you remember?" Pyro asked.

"I don't remember anything," Mastermind winced while waiting for his vision to stop spinning. "Which is still more than I can say about you!"

"You were hit on the head by a flying cello soon after we arrived here," Piotr told him.

"A **what**?!" Mastermind gasped sitting up. He saw he had been lying on the floor of a small concrete basement. "When and where exactly is here?"

"Take a look," Remy bent down to show him one of the machine's screens. It read:

**July 30, 1975 A.D.****  
><strong>**Detroit****, ****Michigan**

"Okay," Mastermind studied the readout. "That answers that question. But where did the flying cello come from?"

"From one of the drug gangs the machine dumped us in the middle of," Sabertooth growled.

"WHAT?!" Mastermind yelped and frantically looked around. "WHERE?!"

"Relax, it wasn't here," Remy waved. "It was in some other part of the city."

"The cello must have hit you really hard," Piotr bent down and checked Mastermind's head carefully. "You have been unconscious for almost an hour."

"Yeah, you missed all the excitement," Pyro chirped while still wearing his makeshift straitjacket. "We had a lot of fun!"

"If you consider fights, shootouts and nearly dying by car crashes fun," Remy gave him a look.

"Well yeah," Sabertooth grunted. "Who wouldn't?"

"Wait, what?" Mastermind blinked in confusion. "Would somebody tell me what the heck you are taking about?"

"Sorry. Let us start from the beginning," Piotr began. "The machine dropped us off in the middle of a large warehouse in another part of the city."

"A warehouse where a couple of gangs were meeting to divvy up a shipment of illegal drugs," Remy explained. "Not that we knew that at the time."

"Yeah, all we knew was that we'd landed in the middle of dozens of weirdly-dressed blokes all who were leveling Uzis and sawed-off shotguns at us," Pyro said.

"O-kay," Mastermind blinked.

"We kinda acted on instinct after that," Remy grinned wickedly. "Those dumb punks never stood a chance."

"There were bullets and blood and bodies flying all over the place!" Pyro said excitedly. "I couldn't do much so I hid with you until I spotted one drug loser puffing on a cigarette.

"Oh no," Mastermind groaned.

"Oh yeah," Remy nodded. "You don't need us to tell you what happened **then**!"

* * *

><p>Flashback...<p>

"HAHAHAHAHA!" Pyro cackled maniacally as the whole place erupted into flames. "YEAH! YEAH!"

"AAAGGGHHHHHH!" Gang members screamed like little girls while running around like chickens with their heads cut off.

Meanwhile, outside the warehouse...

"I hate living in this dump," A young, teenage Edward Kelly grumbled walking down the sidewalk while lugging a large cello case. He wore a pair of tan slacks, white polo shirt, thick glasses and had a slight case of acne. "This city stinks!"

"Now that's enough of that," Kelly's father rumbled while walking slightly ahead of him. He looked like a grown-up version of Kelly except with a rounder belly and more prominent bald spot. "Detroit is known as the Paris of the Midwest. These cello lessons you're taking are going to pay off some day, just you wait."

"Yes, but the school system here is on the decline," Kelly's mother noted walking next to him. She was a short, thin woman with blue eyes and light hair. "Maybe we should consider my brother's offer and move closer to him. There are plenty of excellent private schools on the East Coast.

"Fine by me," Kelly muttered. "The schools here are filled with nothing but oddballs and weirdos. Not surprising since the whole city is going down the tubes!"

"Nonsense, son," Kelly's father scoffed arrogantly. "Okay, the city may be having a few problems, but they are nothing we solid, middle class citizens have to worry about."

FA-WOOOOOOM!

"AAAHHHHHH!" The Kellys screamed as the warehouse next to them suddenly erupted into flames.

CRASH!

"Aggghhhhhh!" Kelly's mother shrieked as a flying gang member crashed through one of the walls and landed on her. "WAAAHHH! GET OFF! GET OFF!"

"Take this you hooligan!" Kelly's father grabbed his cello case and began beating the gang member with it.

"OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!" The gang member wailed and ran off.

"Cretin!" Kelly's father screamed at threw the broken cello case after him with a surprising amount of strength. Unfortunately, his aim was off so the open cello case flew into the burning warehouse instead.

"My cello!" Kelly cried.

"Forget your cello! Run!" Kelly's father roared picking up his wife and ran down the street. "HELP! POLICE!"

"Hey, wait for me!" Kelly yelped running after him.

* * *

><p>Now...<p>

"That was when you were hit on the head by the flying cello," Piotr supplied. "One of the gang members must have come straight from a music lesson or something."

"Or something," Mastermind moaned.

"Anyway, Piotr managed to tackle Pyro and distract him long enough for all the fires to dissipate," Remy went on. "The warehouse hadn't burned up too badly and all the gang members had either been knocked out, passed out or run for their lives."

"Those who still **had** lives," Sabertooth growled darkly.

"We found a large stash of heroin and other drugs the gangs had waiting nearby," Remy wiggled his fingers. "So we blew it all up and tied the remaining gang members from the remains of the ceiling in their underwear."

"Those of them who **wore** underwear," Piotr winced at the memory.

"Yeah, that was our good deed for the day," Pyro said proudly. "Yay, us!"

"O-kay," Mastermind blinked. "I admit I am glad I missed the fight. So things were quiet after that?"

"Yeah, for about ten seconds," Remy confirmed. "That's when the Mafia showed up."

"WHAT?!" Mastermind yelped.

"Yeah, the drug gangs must have been either stealing from the Mob or cutting into their profits or something," Remy shrugged. "Three vans full of goons pulled up and entered the place armed for bear."

"We decided we did not want to get into another fight there," Piotr explained. "We did not want to risk having any stray bullets strike and damage the machine."

"Good idea," Mastermind gulped at the thought.

"So we grabbed you and hightailed it out of there fast," Remy continued. "But not before some of the mobsters spotted us."

"You were running through the streets of Detroit from the Mob?" Mastermind gasped.

"Well, not exactly **running**," Piotr sighed.

* * *

><p>Flashback...<p>

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Piotr yelped as the Acolytes tore down the street while crammed into a beat-up 1970 Pontiac GTO. "SLOW DOWN! SLOW DOWN!"

"SPEED UP! SPEED UP!" Pyro cackled squashed up next to him.

"BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP AND LET ME DRIVE!" Sabertooth snapped while gripping the steering wheel. "Don't make me reach back there!"

"They're still after us!" Remy noted the Mob's vans gaining on them.

"Not for long!" Sabertooth gunned the engine before performing a perfect bootlegger's turn.

"Ohhh," Piotr moaned as only two wheels touched the road. "I am going to be sick!"

"I'm gonna die!" Remy paled.

"STOP WHINING ABOUT DYING OR I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO DIE ABOUT!" Sabertooth roared. "DO YOU WANT ME TO PULL THIS CAR OVER?!"

"I wish you would!" Piotr yelped as Sabertooth shot down a one-way street. "You are going to kill us all you maniac!"

"And I thought Pyro was nuts!" Remy moaned.

"YEAH! YEAH!" Pyro laughed maniacally.

"Uh oh," Piotr gulped as a Mob van appeared in front of them set on a collision course. "This is not good!"

"You wanna play chicken, punk? Let's do it!" Sabertooth grinned and stomped on the accelerator.

"Mother," Remy whimpered.

Meanwhile, nearby...

"I don't believe it!" Kelly's father gasped while carefully driving down the road. All three Kellys were in their 1973 Ford Pinto. "A mugging attempt in broad daylight! What is this city coming to?"

"I told you!" Kelly whined from the back seat. "This city is full of weirdos!"

"That ruffian messed up my hair!" Kelly's mother wailed. "And I just had it done in a wedge!"

"Alright, settle down!" Kelly's father ordered. "We're safe now and are going home. Nothing more to worry about..."

VVVRRROOOOOOOOOMMM!

The Acolyte's stolen GTO reared up alongside one of the Mob's vans having crashed into each other. The two stuck vehicles ran over the Kellys' car before disappearing down the street.

"AAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!" The terrified Kellys shrieked.

CRASH!

SMASH!

BOOM!

"Ohhh," Kelly warbled as the ruined car lay crumpled in front of a parked garbage truck, its grill and top crushed beyond all recognition.

"MY CAR!" Kelly's father yelped at the damage. "MY ONE TRUE LOVE!"

"WHAT?!" Kelly's mother screamed.

"I hate my life," Kelly moaned.

* * *

><p>Now...<p>

"We ran over ten cars, two mail boxes and a school bus during that trip," Remy shuddered at the memory. "We didn't hear any ambulances afterward so nobody in them was hurt. I think."

"I don't believe it," Mastermind was stunned at the retelling. "I did not know Sabertooth was that bad a driver."

"Whaddya talking about? I'm a great driver!" Sabertooth snapped. "We lost the Mob, didn't we?"

"We also lost a few years from our lives," Piotr groaned. "Not to mention both bumpers and half the hood!"

"I told you, the brake lines on that GTO were shoddy!" Sabertooth growled defensively. "Figures those stupid gang punks wouldn't bother to take care of a classic car like that. And it was kinda hard to control while being stuck to a whole 'nother car!"

"Anyway," Remy rolled his eyes and turned back to Mastermind. "Sabes managed to shake free of the Mob van right before crashing into a building. So we sprung you from the trunk and prepared to take off before the cops showed up."

"You had me in the **trunk**?!" Mastermind yelped.

"Well what else were we supposed to do?" Pyro gave him a look. "Strap you to the roof? That car was cramped!"

"Not to mention disgusting," Piotr sniffed. "I still smell like cigarettes."

"Okay, fine. So what happened then?" Mastermind asked.

"We were suddenly assaulted by a display of blinding lights and flashy noise," Remy continued. "We thought were being shot at until we realized we had crashed into the middle of a large 24 hour discotheque."

"It was wild!" Pyro giggled. "There were lights and sounds and people everywhere! And they were dressed really funny!"

"Unfortunately, they were also a little upset at us for landing right in the middle of their dance floor," Piotr sighed. "And at me for accidentally knocking down their disco ball."

"Have you ever been kicked by a guy wearing four inch platforms?" Sabertooth grunted rubbing his side. "It's even worse than wearing them! Er, not that I'd know anything about that."

"This is even more ridiculous than the first time we went to a clothing store," Mastermind blinked. "I suppose you then wiped the floor with all the fanatic disco dancers?"

"Not exactly," Remy coughed. "Piotr and I were still shaken from Sabes' lack of driving skills. So we grabbed you and ran out the back looking for a place to hide."

"We ended up sneaking into the back of a nice restaurant down the block," Piotr continued. "Which happened to be catering to a local meeting of FFOOM."

"FFOOM?" Mastermind looked confused.

"First Feminist Organization Of Michigan," Pyro chirped. "They had a big banner in the back. And on their cakes."

"Guess how they reacted when they saw four guys crash in from the back carrying an unconscious woman," Sabertooth smirked.

"Woman?" Mastermind frowned. "What woma...wait a second...they were referring to **me**?!"

"Yep," Remy grinned as Mastermind sputtered in indignation.

"To be fair, your face was turned away from them," Piotr tried not to smile. "And from your body size they just presumed..."

"Never mind!" Mastermind snapped. "This is so humiliating!"

"Look at it this way, Masty," Pyro giggled. "You can still create illusions even when you're knocked out."

"Shut up Pyro!" Mastermind hissed. "I hope those feminists beat you all bloody!"

"Oh, they tried, believe me," Remy indicated several new tears in his trench coat. "I didn't know restaurants carried **those** kinds of knives!"

"They threw glasses at me," Piotr winced.

"They threw mini-cheesecakes at me," Pyro licked his lips.

"They tore at my hair!" Sabertooth grumbled. "Couldn't stand it being brighter and silkier than theirs. Jealous, the lot of them!"

"That's when the crowd of disco dancers caught up and stormed the restaurant," Remy said. "Then things got **really** messy!"

"I don't believe it," Mastermind shook his head. "Wait a second, yes I do!"

"It was crazy!" Pyro recalled. "We were lucky to get outta there with our lives!"

"The feminists were already climbing into their cars so they could try running us over in the street," Remy went on. "We needed to get away from them fast. Fortunately, the restaurant happened to be right next to a fire station and..."

"Oh no," Mastermind blanched. "You didn't..."

"Oh yeah," Sabertooth groaned. "We did..."

* * *

><p>Flashback...<p>

"I ca not believe we just stole a fire engine!" Piotr held onto a ladder for dear life.

"I can't believe it's being driven by **Pyro**!" Remy yelped in fear.

"HAHAHAHAHA!" Pyro laughed insanely as the enormous fire engine roared down the street destroying everything in its path. "YEAH! YEAH!"

"How is he managing to steer this thing without **hands**?" Remy cried as the engine spun around a corner. "He's still tied up!"

"I do not think we want to know!" Piotr blanched. "Look out for the street light!"

"YOU CRAZY FIREBUG!" Sabertooth howled from where he was plastered to the roof of the cab. "GET OFF THE SIDEWALK! NO DON'T POP A WHEELIE! AAAHHHHHH!"

"Talk about payback," Remy gasped at Sabertooth's cries. "I'd enjoy it a lot more if I wasn't suffering along with him!"

"I would enjoy it if we managed to lose **them**!" Piotr indicated the fleet of cars driven by angry feminists and disco dancers chasing after them with fire in their eyes. "Those people are nuts!"

BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!

"Oh great! The Mob's caught back up with us!" Remy shouted as a convoy of vans appeared in front of them and opened fire.

"They are not the only ones!" Piotr gulped as a squad of muscle cars chased after them packed with gun-toting gang members.

"HAS EVERYBODY IN THIS CITY GONE CRAZY?!" Sabertooth cried as bullets whizzed around them.

"SHORTCUT TIME!" Pyro threw the fire engine into reverse.

"They will have once Pyro is finished with them!" Remy moaned.

Meanwhile, nearby...

"Thanks goodness!" Kelly's father staggered through the front door of a nice, suburban family house. The Kellys' poor wreck of a car sat in the driveway having run fairly well despite its derelict appearance. "Home at last!"

"Finally!" Kelly stumbled in after him. "I am going to my room and never coming back out!"

"I still say you should take the car into the shop now," Kelly's mother shot her husband a cold look. "It being your 'true love' and all."

"Later," Kelly's father sighed plopping down into his favorite easy chair. "After this nightmare all I want to do is lie down and..."

HOOONNNKKK! HOOONNNKKK!

"YAAAHHHOOOOOOOOO!" An enormous fire engine roared backward down the street before jumping the curb and smashing straight into the house.

KA-BLAMMM!

"GAAAHHHHHH!" The Kellys yelled and took cover as the engine tore through the walls of the house like tissue paper.

BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!

Gunshots rang from a trio of vans as they chased after it.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The Kellys screamed in panic.

"GET THEM!" Several cars driven by very angry women followed after them.

"FOLLOW THOSE FUNKY PARTY CRASHERS!" More cars roared by with occupants sporting large afros.

SMASH!

A squad of muscle cars brought up the rear while running over everything in their path.

The Kellys cowered in shock at the pile of rumble their once neat house had been reduced to. "My room," Kelly finally managed to get out.

"Our home!" Kelly's mother blubbered. "Our beautiful home!"

"THAT'S IT!" Kelly's father shouted. "This place is nuts! We're not staying here anymore! Honey, call your brother. Tell him we're taking his offer to move after all!"

"Really?" Kelly managed to get out. "It is about time!"

"But our things," Kelly's mother gazed longingly at the wreckage.

"Forget our things! Insurance will pay for it all!" Kelly's father snapped. "Heck I don't care if we don't get a dime for it. We're leaving and that's final!"

"Yay! No more madness!" Kelly cheered. "But where are we going to move to?"

"To New York state, son," Kelly's father said with determination. "Outside a quiet little town called Bayville!"

* * *

><p>Now...<p>

"Pyro finally ended up turning on our pursuers causing them all to crash into each other," Remy wrapped up the tale. "Last we saw them the disco dancers were beating up the gang members and the feminists were wailing on the Mob."

"Why am I not surprised?" Mastermind groaned.

"Pyro also ended the trip by crashing the fire engine into a drug store," Piotr sighed. "Everyone was fleeing the scene so we took the opportunity to stock up on supplies."

"Supplies?" Mastermind looked at them hopefully. "You mean like bandages, water bottles, emergency blankets and aspirin?"

"Nope, even better," Pyro grinned as Remy pulled something out of his trench coat. "Toilet paper!"

"Toilet paper?" Mastermind stared at the compressed roll in shock.

"Hey, you really want to keep using whatever the locals are using in various time periods?" Remy gave him a look.

"You have a point," Mastermind admitted. "That toilet paper is going to be worth its weight in gold!"

"We...borrowed...some other stuff too," Piotr sighed apologetically. "More soap, socks, underwear, foot cream..."

"Foot cream?" Mastermind blinked in confusion.

"I got sensitive feet, okay?" Sabertooth growled dangerously. "Got a problem with that?"

"Uh, no. Not at all," Mastermind gulped.

"Anyway, we left the drug store right before the cops arrived," Remy continued. "We ran a block before ducking into the basement of this old church."

"We're in a church?" Mastermind repeated.

"It seemed like a good place to hide from the cops," Remy shrugged. "And it's a good place to hide our latest cache of souvenirs."

"We were in the middle of putting all our souvenirs in the safe when you woke up," Piotr added.

"Safe?" Mastermind stared at the large, fireproof safe sitting in front of a hole Remy had made in the floor using his powers. "Where the heck did you pick up **that**?"

"From the drug store, duh," Pyro gave him a look. "You'd be **amazed** at what you can find in them."

"Of course," Mastermind groaned.

"Okay, let's see what we got," Remy began checking over their pickings. "There's the money from all the bets we won from the Congress fight in Washington, a piece of paper from a copy of the Treaty of Versailles, Einstein's pencil, that Duke _homme's_ autograph..."

"Here's my stuff," Sabertooth grunted setting his items in the safe. "A 3rd Canadian division insignia I ripped off my old uniform, one of that drunken Khan's drinking cups, a ring I nabbed from Peter the Great, Alexander the Great's diadem, and a pair of earrings from that lady who kept calling me Vlad."

"Ooo, nice," Remy nodded in appreciation.

"Don't forget my stuff!" Pyro chirped as Piotr helped retrieve them from underneath the makeshift straitjacket. "A collection of Poe's unpublished poems and short stories, some Skylab patches, my share of the bet money..."

"Ha, kid's stuff," Remy scoffed.

"And a locket I swiped from that bloke Sabes knocked out with my stuffed peacock with a portrait of that white-stripped shelia in it," Pyro finished as Piotr pulled it out. "Isn't it pretty?"

"MINE!" Remy lunged at it.

"Hey, give that back!" Pyro pouted. "I'm the one who pinched it and..."

"It's mine!" Remy grasped the locket protectively. "Mine, you hear me? **MINE!**"

"But..." Pyro began.

"Oh, just let him keep the stupid locket," Mastermind sighed. "It will save us a lot of trouble in the long run."

"Aw, fine," Pyro gave in. "But you owe me for this one, Gambit!"

"Whatever," Remy stared at the portrait and began stroking it lovingly. "My _chérie_...my lovely, fair _chérie_..."

"Snap out of it Cajun and finish locking up our stuff," Sabertooth shouted.

"Huh? Oh yeah," Remy began to do so.

"Wait! Don't forget our gold collars and the set of jewels we found in Ireland," Pyro piped up.

"How could I forget?" Remy collected them all and locked them up.

"Are you sure this is a good place to hide the safe?" Piotr asked as he lowered it into the hole.

"Of course," Remy said as he sealed up the hole and secretly marked the spot. "Nobody is going to search or knock down a perfectly good church."

"Unlike every other building in this town," Sabertooth quipped.

"If you say so," Piotr shrugged. "I am glad I was able to find some pencils and a new sketchbook at the drug store...hmmm, that is strange. They are not here. I must have dropped them."

"Too bad," Pyro said. "Sorry to hear that, mate."

"I am going to see if I can find them in the alley," Piotr headed for the door.

"Okay, but be careful," Remy warned as he left.

"Well at least someone is **trying** to be careful on this trip," Mastermind winced and held his head.

"Can we use the machine now?" Pyro asked.

"Yeah, it's all finished cooling down," Remy glanced at one of the screens. "When Piotr gets back we're outta here."

"But are we sure we want to risk it?" Mastermind paused and thought for a moment. "This is the closest we have gotten to being back in our own time."

"What, you wanna stick around for the next twenty five years or so until we are all caught back up?" Remy gave him a look. "Sabes probably wouldn't mind that much, but the rest of us sure would."

"You're telling me," Pyro agreed. "I haven't even been born yet!"

"The one good thing around being in this time," Sabertooth quipped.

"I guess you are right," Mastermind sighed. "Better to risk another time jump than having twenty five years to mess up the future."

CRASH!

"Not that it would make much of a difference," Mastermind groaned.

"Uh oh," Pyro gulped. "That didn't sound good."

"So much for being careful," Sabertooth growled as the Acolytes ran out of the church.

"Oh man," Remy whistled at the car lying in the middle of the alley with a large Piotr-shaped dent in the front. "What did you do?"

"Nothing. It was an accident," Piotr stood in front of the car in his armored form. "I was looking for my sketchbook when I spotted the car heading toward me and..."

"I get the picture," Remy held up a hand.

"Oooh," A nondescript man moaned from the back seat of the car. The driver had been knocked out upon impact. "Mommy?" The man blinked at Piotr's armored form for a moment right before passing out.

"Well, at least we don't have to worry about witnesses," Pyro quipped.

"Ohhh," One of the car's back doors opened and an older man built like a fireplug tumbled out of it. He had dark, slicked-back hair, sharp eyes and was wearing a nice, dark blue suit. "What happened? Who are you people?"

"You spoke too soon," Mastermind gave Pyro a look.

"Who cares? Let's get outta here," Sabertooth snorted at Remy. "That guy will just think we're a concussion-based delusion or something."

"Right. Here we go," Remy prepared to activate the machine.

"Hey, what are you doing?" The man snapped and stumbled toward the mutants in annoyance. "Don't you know who I am? I'm Jimmy Hoffa! Don't you dare ignore me!"

"Wait. Did he just say...?" Mastermind began.

"Who cares? Too late now," Remy said right before the machine whisked them away.

* * *

><p>"Gahhh!" Pyro yelped and staggered at the hot, humid air slapping in the face.<p>

"Whoa, what a trip," Remy blinked dazedly while struggling to stay on his feet. "I feel kinda light-headed."

"Me too," Piotr saw they were surrounded by a forest of towering conifer trees. "What is this place?"

"No place I want to be!" Mastermind spat out a mouthful of ferns. "Another uncivilized wilderness!"

"Ah shaddap ya wimp," Sabertooth snorted taking several deep breaths. "This is really living!"

"Yahhh! Oh geeze, what's happening? Will somebody tell me what the heck's going on here?"

"Huh?" Piotr turned and stared at the sight of Jimmy Hoffa standing with them. "Oh dear."

"This, this could be a problem," Remy blinked.

* * *

><p><strong>Historical note: James "Jimmy" Riddle Hoffa was an American labor union leader of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters from 1958 A.D. to 1971 A.D., at the time the largest labor union in the United States. His legacy is controversial having been convicted of jury tampering, attempted bribery, fraud and ties to organized crime as well as being a civil rights supporter and champion of workers and their families. Hoffa was last seen outside the Machus Red Fox Restaurant before disappearing without a trace. While various theories have been proposed over the years, the exact cause of his disappearance has never "officially" been determined.<strong>


	36. Long Ago, Before Many Things We Now Know

**Long Ago, Before Many Things We Now Know**

"What the heck just happened?" Jimmy Hoffa gasped with his eyes darting back and forth among the Acolytes. "Who are you people? Where have you taken me?"

"Uh," Piotr stuttered in befuddlement.

"Hey! We picked up a stowaway," Pyro chirped. "Neat!"

"Boy did he ever pick the wrong trip," Sabertooth snorted.

"I know how he feels," Mastermind groaned holding his head. "Why didn't I let Magneto kill me when I had the chance?"

"Eh, everyone makes mistakes," Remy quipped. "At least you lived to regret it."

"What do you people want? What happened to the car? Where the heck am I?" Hoffa demanded rapidly.

"More like **when** the heck are you," Sabertooth grunted.

"Huh?" Hoffa blinked and glanced at his wristwatch. "What are you talking about?"

"Should we answer him?" Piotr whispered.

"Couldn't if we wanted to," Remy glanced down to see one of the machine's screens displaying random numbers and symbols. "At least not yet."

"We will figure it out later," Mastermind winced while trying to overcome his disorientation. "Ohhh, and I thought the tinnitus was bad before. Now it is making it seem like everything is shaking!"

"Everything **is** shaking," Sabertooth felt the earth vibrate beneath them while trying to clear his head. "And something is really starting to stink..."

GLLLUUUMMMP!

A huge set of jaws full of sharp teeth shot down and clamped over Sabertooth.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Mastermind shrieked and fell back as another set of teeth-lined jaws nearly chomped down on him as well. "HOLY #&*$!"

"Oh my gosh!" Pyro gawked at the pair of powerful legs, towering torso and massive bony crested head flanked with red tiger stripes. "It's an _Allosaurus_!"

"A **what**!" Remy yelped diving out of the way.

"It is a dinosaur!" Piotr stood dumbstruck as the mighty beast burst fully into view. Its naturally camouflaged hide blended nearly perfectly with the foliage.

"AAAGGGUUUHHHHHH!" The first _Allosaurus_ reared back with Sabertooth's upper body clamped in its jaws. The _Allosaurus_ appeared to be male and was noticeably brighter colored than the second.

"Piotr! Look out!" Remy shouted.

"Huh? Oh, right!" Piotr snapped out of his daze and armored up as the second _Allosaurus_ nearly ran him over. This one appeared to be female and was significantly larger than the male.

"HELP ME!" Pyro yelped running around like mad. "LET ME LOOSE! I DON'T WANNA BE A DINO SNACK!"

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Hoffa screamed and took off into the ferns only to run head-first into a tree.

WHAM!

"Oooh..." Hoffa warbled and passed out.

"SOMEBODY SAVE ME!" Mastermind screeched while desperately trying to avoid the unstoppable engine of claws and teeth. "I DON'T WANT TO BE EATEN!"

"GGGRRRAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Sabertooth's hand burst through the cheek of the male _Allosaurus _from the inside. He struggled to claw at its throat and break the joints of its jaws.

SNAP!

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Mastermind tripped and fell as the huge female _Allosaurus_ bore down on him.

"Urrraaah!" Piotr ran up and just barely managed to knock the _Allosaurus_ off course.

"There!" Remy used his powers to undo the last strap of Pyro's makeshift straitjacket.

"Alright!" Pyro grinned and quickly stretched his arms before unleashing a torrent of newly freed flames. "TAKE THIS YOU OVERGROWN EMU!"

WHOOOSSSHHH!

The female _Allosaurus_ froze as a wall of fire appeared in front of her. She backed off a few paces before rearing back her head.

"KLIIIRRRP!"

"Did...did that thing just **chirp**?" Remy blinked.

"I think it did," Piotr confirmed in shock. "A very loud chirp."

"I thought dinosaurs were supposed to roar and bellow," Remy stared in confusion. "Not sound like a two-ton, beefed-up canary."

"WHO CARES WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE?" A helpless Mastermind wailed as the _Allosaurus_ began advancing despite the flames. "JUST DON'T LET IT EAT ME!"

"No problem, mate. Take this!" Pyro increased the intensity of the flames.

The _Allosaurus_ tried to press on, but was forced back by the heat and finally retreated into the forest.

"Gah?" Mastermind blinked and stared at the source of his salvation. "Pyro, I am your slave for life!"

"RRROOOAAARRRRRR!" Sabertooth freed himself by prying open wide the mouth of the male _Allosaurus _and ripping off its entire lower jaw. He then leapt at it and managed to tear open its throat. The mighty theropod staggered for a moment before falling to the ground with a crash.

"Oh my!" Piotr stood stunned at the downed dinosaur.

"Hooley dooley!" Pyro let the wall of fire go out in amazement.

"Ohhh," Mastermind whimpered while curled up in a fetal position. "I can't believe I survived...I can't believe I survived..."

"YEAH! THAT'S RIGHT PUNK!" Sabertooth roared over his opponent while covered in saliva and with his midsection full of puncture wounds. He ripped out a pair of four-inch long teeth from the skull of the _Allosaurus_ and held them up in triumph. "WHO'S DA KING? WHO'S DA KING?"

"Great, now he's gonna calling himself Sabertooth Rex," Remy quipped. "Though I have to admit, he actually might have earned it."

"Actually, _Tyrannosaurus_ is usually the one associated with the name 'Rex'," Pyro noted. "Not _Allosaurus_."

"Whatever," Remy shrugged.

"Excuse me," Mastermind twitched and shakily got to his feet. "How can you all be calming standing around talking about minutiae while we were nearly eaten by **LIVING, BREATHING DINOSAURS?! ACTUAL BLOODY DINOSAURS?!**"

"Well, I'm still coming down from my adrenaline rush," Remy said. "Give me a minute to work up a nice, soothing panic attack."

"It was not so bad," Piotr noted. "We are all still alive. Just stay calm."

"ARE YOU CRAZY?!" Mastermind shrieked in a very high voice. "I WAS NEARLY EATEN ALIVE BY A DINOSAUR! I WILL NOT STAY CALM!"

"How about you stay quiet?" Sabertooth growled. "Unless you want the other dinosaur to come **back**!"

"MMMMPPPHHH!" Mastermind's eyes bulged and quickly covered his mouth with both hands.

"I wish it would come back," Pyro said looking around the forest. "I wanna see it again."

"Are you **insane**?!" Remy gasped. "What am I saying?"

"Think about it, mate," Pyro said excitedly. "We're the first people to ever see real live dinosaurs! Not robots. Not special effects. **Real**! It's a miracle! And what's the first thing we do? We kill one!"

"**I** killed one!" Sabertooth grunted proudly. "It was trying to eat me. So I killed it!"

"Huuuhhhhhh..."

Everyone turned as the downed dinosaur began to twitch and move. "You were saying?" Remy managed to get out.

"No way," Sabertooth gaped in shock.

The stunned Acolytes stared as the _Allosaurus_ slowly got to its feet; it's breathing gradually growing stronger. They also noticed that its throat had stopped bleeding and its lower jaw was slowly but surely starting to grow back.

"Oh my gosh," Piotr gawked.

"It's impossible!" Remy stuttered.

"Mmmph?" Mastermind nearly fainted.

"I don't believe it!" Sabertooth gaped. "That thing has a healing factor!"

"AH HA!" Pyro whooped gleefully and began doing a happy dance. "I knew it! I knew we'd encounter a mutant dinosaur someday! And today is that day! Yahoo! Hooray!"

The still healing _Allosaurus_ slowly turned and began advancing toward them. "Oh no, not again!" Mastermind wailed.

"Get outta here, ya punk!" Sabertooth roared readying his claws. "I beat you once, I can do it again! My healing factor is eons better than yours!"

The _Allosaurus_ stopped, noticing Sabertooth's display. It hesitated for a moment before twitching in pain and reluctantly retreated deeper into the forest.

"Ha! What did I tell ya?" Sabertooth puffed up proudly. "That thing's not so tough. It's just a big, overgrown chicken!"

"I am surprised it still tried to eat us," Piotr commented. "It must be very hungry."

"It didn't look like it was hungry," Remy paused to think for a moment. "In fact, both of those dinosaurs tried more to kill us than eat us."

"There's a **difference**?!" Mastermind shrieked.

"Of course there is," Pyro chimed in. "Animals kill to eat, but also to defend their territory, ward off rivals or to protect their..."

"Klirp!"

"Huh?" Remy turned to see several ferns rustling. "What's that?"

"Let me check," Piotr cautiously moved among the ferns before carefully reaching down to part them. "Oh!"

"Klirp!" A clutch of half a dozen _allosaurus_ babies peered up at him. They were about thirty inches long, had big eyes and a slight ring of fluffy red-white down around their necks and along their spines.

"What is it?" Pyro asked as he and the others joined Piotr. "Oh, how cute!"

"Yeah, real cute," Sabertooth mocked right before a baby _allosaurus_ began to nuzzle his leg. "Hey!"

"They sure are friendly," Remy commented as the babies sniffed the mutants experimentally. Two of them rubbed themselves against the unconscious form of Hoffa nearby. "Those two big ones must have been their parents."

"That explains why they tried to kill us," Pyro smiled. "They were just protecting their babies."

"They are cute," Piotr said while petting a baby _allosaurus_. "I like them better this way instead of when they are grown up."

"I don't like them either way...ow!" Mastermind yelped clutching his hand. "It just bit me!"

"No, don't do that!" Pyro scolded the baby _allosaurus_. "You'll get rabies!"

"It was probably just playing or something," Remy said while stroking another one. "It didn't even break your skin. Besides, they aren't biting the rest of us."

"Figures," Mastermind grumbled. "Ow!"

"Are you sure this is safe?" Piotr looked around worriedly. "What if the parents come back?"

"Well we can't just leave them here," Pyro protested vigorously. "These little ankle-biters are all poor and defenseless!"

"**They're** defenseless...ow!" Mastermind yelped clutching his behind. "YAHHH! GET AWAY FROM ME!"

"Hey, come back here!" Pyro shouted as Mastermind ran of with the _allosaurus_ babies nipping at his heels.

"Wait for us!" Remy yelled as Piotr picked up Hoffa and slung him over his shoulder.

"Stop running Masty! They just want to be your friend!" Pyro encouraged as the Acolytes ran after Mastermind

"THEY WANT TO HAVE ME FOR DINNER!" Mastermind yelled scrambling around a ginkgo tree. "HELP!"

"So we'll go and have them for dinner," Sabertooth suggested as they reached the end of the forest. "Bet they taste like chicken...ooof!"

"Oh my," Piotr ignored Sabertooth running into him from behind and stared in wonder at the natural panorama stretched before them.

"Wow!" Pyro squealed jumping up and down in excitement. "Look! There's a herd of _Camptosaurus_ over there! Followed by an even larger group of _Dryosaurus_! In the middle of the field is a herd of _Stegosaurus_! And overhead and in the trees are lots of little pterosaurs called _Anurognathus_!"

"It's beautiful!" Piotr gazed around in awe.

"Whoa," Remy marveled at the sight. "This alone makes this whole stupid time travel trip worth it."

THOOOMB! THOOOMB! THOOOMB!

"What the?" The earth shook as a graceful _Apatosaurus_ family appeared following the edge of the forest along with a towering _Brachiosaurus_ trio.

"Look out!" Remy yelled as he, Pyro and Sabertooth scrambled to get out of their way.

"Gah?" Piotr stood awestruck as the majestic titans walked by close enough to touch. One immense _Brachiosaurus_ actually passed right over him.

"Ooo, my head. What happened?" Hoffa groaned and opened his eyes. He took one look at the living mountains of flesh soaring overhead and immediately passed out again.

"Piotr! You okay?" Remy called out.

"I am fine," Piotr smiled and began laughing with childlike joy. "Just fine!"

"AAAUUUGGGHHH!" Mastermind ran around with the _allosaurus_ babies playfully hopping after him. "GET AWAY! GET AWAY!"

"Hey, look at that!" Pyro pointed as the _Stegosaurus_ herd moved closer to them. "They're all dark blue!"

"The tops of them are anyway," Remy noted the skin coloration of their backs. "Man, that is one funny-looking animal."

"More like stupid-looking," Sabertooth sneered at a narrow head of a _Stegosaurus_. "Especially the plates. They don't even do anything!"

WHUUUOOOH!

"Huh?" Remy blinked at the colorful, leathery-looking plates for a moment. "Did that thing just **whistle**?"

"It did!" Pyro squealed excitedly. "See all those holes in the covering of each plate? They must combine with the bones to act like weird wind tubes or something when air is forced through them!"

"Are you kidding?" Sabertooth snapped. "That is the stupidest thing I've ever..."

WHUUUOOOH! WHUUUOOOH! WHUUUOOOH!

"You were saying?" Remy gave him a look as the Stegosaurus herd began to sound like an organic collection of didgeridoo pipe organs.

"Did you hear that?" Piotr walked up to them carrying a still limp Hoffa. "Those dinosaurs are singing!"

"They're not singing," Sabertooth growled. "They're just acting like a bunch of stupid, overgrown wind chimes!"

"Oh, too bad," Piotr looked disappointed.

"Don't listen to him, mate. We've seen wonders today!" Pyro laughed happily. "Think about it! We've seen dinosaurs chirp! Dinosaurs make music! Dinosaurs that are mutants!"

"**One** dinosaur was a mutant," Remy corrected. "That doesn't mean there are others."

"Uh oh," Piotr noticed a group of small, bipedal dinosaurs running across the grassland toward a baby _stegosaurs_ that had wandered off. They were about three feet high and twice as long.

"Oh no! Those are _Ornitholestes_!" Pyro cried at the sight. "Run mate, run!"

"I can not watch," Piotr shielded his eyes.

FA-WHOOOSSSH!

"Holy," Remy gaped as the plates of the baby _stegosaurs_ suddenly erupted into flames.

"Firebug you maniac! Why did you do that?" Sabertooth roared.

"That wasn't me," Pyro gazed in shock at the sight.

"Huh? Then where the heck did those flames...?" Sabertooth trailed off. "Oh no. No, no, no!"

"Oh yeah! It's true!" Pyro whooped as the _Ornitholestes_ were stopped by the fire-topped _stegosaurus_. They hesitated for a moment before leaving to find a less flame covered animal. "That beautiful little tacker is a mutant! A fire-making mutant! YAY!"

"You gotta be kidding me," Remy groaned as the baby _stegosaurus_ extinguished itself and trotted back toward its mother. "If a group of paleontologists ever learned about this they'd have fits!"

"WAAAHHHHHH! WILL SOMEBODY HELP HERE?!" Mastermind wailed as the _allosaurus_ babies mobbed him. "AAAUUUGGGHHH! MY LEG!"

"They are not the only ones," Piotr sighed. "Maybe we should leave now while we have a chance."

"Can't. The machine is still cooling down," Remy glanced at a screen. "But it's finally cleared up." He read the given readout aloud:

**November 3, 151,207,218 B.C.****  
><strong>**Central Lowlands****, Western Laurasia**

"151 million," Remy staggered at the number in amazement. "I didn't think that was possible!"

"Uh, where is Laurasia?" Piotr looked confused.

"It's an ancient continent," Pyro explained. "Like Pangaea or Gondwanaland."

"How do **you** know all this?" Sabertooth glared at him.

"I read all the file cards that came with my toy dinosaur figures when I was a tacker," Pyro grinned proudly. "I knew they'd come in handy someday!"

"So what do we do now?" Piotr eyed the _Ornitholestes_ in concern.

"We're stuck millions of years in the past surrounded by dinosaurs that could eat us, impale us or squash us like a bug," Remy gave him a look. "What do you **think** we're gonna do?"

* * *

><p>Ten minutes later...<p>

"WAAAHOOOOOO!" Pyro whooped in euphoria while perched between the plates of a fully-grown _Stegosaurus_. "This is the greatest day of my life!"

"Mine too!" Piotr smiled riding on the back of a_ Brachiosaurus_. Both dinosaurs completely ignored their mutant occupants.

"Alright kiddies, here ya go," Sabertooth fed bits of a freshly killed _Othnielosaurus_ to the _allosaurus_ babies. They stopped nuzzling the unconscious form of Hoffa and eagerly tore into the fresh meat. "I gotta admit, you lot are starting to grow on me."

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Mastermind was now running from the group of excited _Ornitholestes_. "WHY IS EVERYTHING ALWAYS TRYING TO EAT ME?!"

"Because you're the cultured, civilized one," Remy quipped from his perch on the back of an _Apatosaurus_. "They know you have good taste!"

"Come on, you big beauty. Just reel off one round of flame for your pal Pyro," Pyro coaxed while rubbing the _Stegosaurus_ between its plates. The _Stegosaurus_ began to chirp contently. "Hey, I think it's purring!"

"Really? Let me try," Remy rubbed the back of the _Apatosaurus_ only for it to shake and chitter wildly. "Is this thing **laughing**?"

"I think it is," Piotr blinked at the convulsing giant. "It must be very ticklish."

"Hey, what's wrong down there?" Pyro leapt down from the _Stegosaurus_ and approached a young _Camptosaurus _that was chattering in pain. "Whoa, hold still, mate!" Pyro carefully removed a two-foot-long splinter from its foot. "There ya go!"

The _Camptosaurus_ blinked for a moment before standing up to place its front feet on Pyro's shoulders and began licking his face.

"Ewww, that's cute!" Pyro giggled. "Here, try this!" He turned around and started leading the _Camptosaurus_ away with its front legs still on his shoulders.

"Huh?" Remy stared as another _Camptosaurus_ clung to the first while mimicking the same posture. Several more followed suit. "What the...?"

"Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, ha! Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, ha!" Pyro happily led the _Camptosaurus_ conga line around.

"That's right, eat up," Sabertooth continued to feed pieces of raw _Othnielosaurus _to the _allosaurus_ babies while snagging a few bites for himself. "Mmmm, that's good! Tastes like a mix of crocodile and turkey."

"YAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Mastermind stumbled around with the _Ornitholestes_ group now hugging him instead of pecking him. "GET OFF! GET OFF!"

"This is perfect," Piotr smiled at the wild yet serene vista spread bellow him. "I never want this to end."

"KLIIIRRRP!"

"Uh oh, looks like mommy and daddy are back," Remy quipped as the healed _Allosaurus_ pair emerged from the forest. "And I don't think they're gonna back down this time."

"Oh well. It was nice while it lasted," Piotr sighed as he and Remy carefully leapt down from their mounts.

"Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, ha! Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh...ahhh!" Pyro yelped as Piotr plucked him from the _Camptosaurus_ conga line. "Hey, I'm not done yet!"

"Yes you are," Remy said firmly as Piotr dragged Pyro away. "It's time to go."

"Awww," Pyro sighed as Sabertooth quickly abandoned the _allosaurus_ babies to their parents. "Hey, let's bring one of those tackers back with us as a pet!"

"NO!" The other Acolytes shouted.

"How about the mutant, fire-making _stegosaurus_?" Pyro pleaded.

"**NO!**"

"Aw," Pyro pouted.

"Gah?" Sabertooth hauled up a twitching Mastermind with dozens of little claw marks in his coat. The _Ornitholestes _and other smaller dinosaurs had fled at the appearance of the _Allosaurus_ pair. "Claws...tails...teeth, teeth...**lots** of teeth..."

"Well this was a fun childhood dream come true," Remy quipped as he prepared to activate the machine. "Everybody ready?"

"Yeah," Sabertooth patted the extracted pair of _Allosaurus_ teeth in his pocket. "Let's get outta here."

"I have a funny feeling we forgot something," Piotr scratched his head right before the machine whisked them all away. "Oh well, it could not have been important."

Back near the forest...

"Ooo," Hoffa groaned and opened his eyes. He found himself surrounded by a pack of eager _allosaurus_ babies and pair of protective _Allosaurus_ parents with very sharp teeth. "Mother..."

* * *

><p>"Ooof!" Pyro gasped as the Acolytes landed in a cramped, dingy hallway. "Ow, my foot!"<p>

"Next!"

"Hey, watch it!" Remy struggled to recover from his disorientation as he was suddenly grabbed and hauled through a door.

"Sign here," Remy was brought before a rough table as a pen was unexpectedly thrust into his hand.

"Huh?" Remy staggered and braced himself against the table. The pen made a slight mark on a sheet of paper.

"Congratulations, _monsieur_," A tough-looking soldier stood behind the table wearing a uniform and white _képi_. "Welcome to the French Foreign Legion!"

* * *

><p><strong>Historical note: <em>Stegosaurus<em> was a large, heavily built, herbivorous dinosaur which lived between 155 and 150 million years B.C. in what is now ****North America****. It was the largest member of the suborder _Stegosaruia_ known for its distinctive array of tail spikes and back plates. While various theories have been proposed over the years, the exact purpose for the _Stegosaurus_ plates has never "officially" been determined.**


	37. Beau Remy

**Beau Remy**

"Lost and forgotten is the fate of the forsaken," Pyro's voice drifted on the air like an enigmatic will-o'-the-wisp. "Toiling away for a cause not of one's own in a land far from home. Hungry, tired, weathered, filthy. Driven on, always on toward the far, elusive horizon. Consisting on nothing but duty, honor, sips of dreams and gasps of hope. Such is the life of..."

"Will you shut up already?" Mastermind abruptly cut off the monologue.

"I'm just trying to capture the mood," Pyro pouted wiping his brow. The Acolytes were slogging at the rear of an infantry column through a barren, featureless desert. "I wanna remember this when I have a chance to write my memoirs."

"How about I write your **obituary**!" Sabertooth growled threateningly as the merciless sun beat down upon them. Sweat dripped off his face while a dry wind whipped at his hair. "Crud, it's hot!"

"At least Remy found us some coverings for our heads," Piotr noted. All the Acolytes wore khaki-colored _képi _covers with neck curtains.

"Found, right," Remy gasped spitting cotton.

"He's also the idiot who found us signing up for a five year stint in the French Foreign Legion!" Mastermind snapped.

"We're not in the French Foreign Legion," Remy explained between pants. "We've been drafted as porters for the French Foreign Legion."

"Oh that's so much better," Mastermind wheezed gazing around at the rocky, trackless wasteland. "Instead of being soldiers we get to be baggage handlers!"

"More like animals handlers," Piotr indicated the line of pack animals the Acolytes were leading.

"Why did you volunteer us to be mule drivers?" Sabertooth growled at Remy. "Since when did you have any experience handling dumb, smelly animals?"

"I've lived with you, haven't I?" Remy shot back.

"Water! Water!" Pyro croaked shaking his empty canteen. "I'd trade my last fire for some water!"

"Thing I Never Thought I'd Hear Number 72," Mastermind blinked.

"Here," Piotr handed Pyro a spare canteen from a supply pack.

"Water!" Pyro squealed and took several gulps. "Ahhh! Hot, yucky, sand infested water! Yay! Hey, did you know you can get water from fire?"

"Only if you have enough hydrogen and don't mind having things go boom," Remy quipped.

"Keep moving!" An officer shouted at the Acolytes in French. "Fall behind and we'll leave you for the buzzards!"

"Yeah, yeah," Remy grumbled and struggled to pick up the pace.

"What did he say?" Piotr asked.

"It doesn't matter," Remy waved. "You guys turn your translators back on. They've been charging since early this morning, right?"

"Right," Piotr nodded as he and Sabertooth did so.

"Want me to help you with yours?" Remy asked Pyro.

"No, no. I think I finally got the hang of it," Pyro said before whacking himself in the head. "Ooo, see?"

"Wonderful," Remy gasped rolling eyes.

"Sun, heat, sand, yahhhh!" Sabertooth howled in frustration. "And I thought being in the Legion was bad enough the last time."

"**Last** time?" Piotr blinked in shock. "What **last time**?"

"I got kicked out of the Canadian army after World War I for 'excessive aggressiveness'," Sabertooth growled in remembrance. "Peace was boring and I needed something to do so..."

"Never mind," Remy gasped leading his pair of mules. "I get the picture."

"Gahhh, this is ridiculous!" Mastermind stumbled and nearly sprawled out into the sand. "Why the heck are we putting up with all this anyway? Why don't we just take off and desert?"

"For several reasons," Remy ticked them off the list. "One, we don't have a clue where we are. Two, there is no place to desert **to**! Nothing but sand and rocks and desert stretching as far as the eye can see! Three, sticking with these guys is the only way we'll have access to water which is kinda necessary if we don't want to die of **thirst**! And four, it's the only choice we have if we want to live long enough to use the machine again."

"If it's **ever** ready to use again," Mastermind grumbled irritably. "Usually the machine finishes cooling down in a matter of minutes. Maybe a few hours. It's been **three days**!"

"Three **long** days," Pyro moaned. "I have sand in places I never even knew I had!"

"Check the machine again," Piotr suggested. "Maybe it has finally finished cooling down."

"It's not the only thing trying to cool down around here," Sabertooth grumbled fanning himself with his hand.

"No such luck," Remy glanced at the screens. "It's still showing 'cool down in progress' along with the date we originally arrived here in that dinky little town." The date and place being:

**August 7, 1912 A.D.****  
><strong>**Tendrara****, ****Morocco**

"Some town," Mastermind groaned. "More like a Legion fort in the middle of nowhere!"

"**Every** Legion fort is in the middle of nowhere," Sabertooth mocked. "Haven't you ever seen the movies?"

"I wish this was a movie," Piotr tried to shield his eyes. "Then in a few hours it would be over."

"I'm sooo tired," Mastermind stumbled and reached to climb up on a mule. "Just let me ride for a few minutes..."

"You! Get off!" A tough-looking supply sergeant shouted at him. "Those mules are for carrying supplies, not your wasted carcass!"

"But I can't feel my legs..." Mastermind looked about to pass out.

"You want to feel the end of my **boot**?" The sergeant snapped shoving him away from the mule. "This is the Legion, _monsieur_. March or die!"

"We're not allowed to die," Remy griped as the sergeant moved on to harass another potential strangler. "Mags isn't here to give us permission."

"Magneto's discipline is nothing compared to this," Piotr noted.

"That's it! I can't take it anymore!" Mastermind moaned slumping down onto the sand. "Just go on without me! Tell my momma I loved her!"

"Are you talking to us or the eight-inch-long scorpion in front of you?" Remy asked.

"YAHHHHHH!" Mastermind shot up as the scorpion scurried away only to be eaten by a snake. "I HATE THIS PLACE!"

"I wanna go home," Pyro whined wiping his forehead. "I'm hot, I'm tired, I'm hungry, I got sand in my boots..."

"Will you shut up and stop whining about how miserable you are?" Sabertooth snapped.

"But I can't help it," Pyro sniffed. "I miss my room. I miss my bed. I miss Charlene! WAHHHHHH!"

"Charlene?" A young legionnaire piped up next to him in English. "Who's Charlene?"

"She's the cutest little shelia I've ever seen," Pyro cried fondly. "I'd curl up and sleep with her every night before I ended up here!"

"Ah, a girl," The legionnaire winked knowingly. "So you joined the Legion in order to forget her, eh? Or did you have to flee to avoid being hunted down by her relatives when they found the two of you together?"

"Huh?" Pyro blinked. "What are you talking about, mate? Charlene's a plat..."

"I joined the Legion because of a girl," Another legionnaire with a British accent spoke up. "We were engaged to be married, but I was forced to run."

"Sorry to hear that," Piotr said. "You must really miss her."

"Are you kidding? She's the reason I left!" The legionnaire explained. "She weighed eighteen stone and had a face only a blind gorilla could love!"

"I left to avoid being thrown in prison after being falsely accused of murder," An older legionnaire of Bulgarian descent grunted.

"That's terrible," Remy commented.

"I know," The legionnaire nodded. "That butler was dead long before I robbed and set fire to the Prime Minister's mansion."

"Ooo, neat!" Pyro managed a smile. "What kind of fire did you use?"

"Oh geeze," Mastermind groaned.

"This is quite a group of people," Piotr studied the various legionnaires in surprise. "Most do not seem to have anywhere else to go."

"Isn't that what the Foreign Legion is all about?" The first young legionnaire smiled impishly. "An international collection of criminals, outcasts, runaways, misfits..."

"Sounds just like us," Pyro remarked at the Acolytes. "We fit right in!"

"Speak for yourself," Mastermind muttered.

"Intellectuals, poets, writers," The young legionnaire went on. "Me, I joined for the adventure." He laughed self-deprecatingly. "Some adventure! Nothing but blood, sweat and work. I thought life in the Legion would be like being in a story!"

"Consider yourself lucky," Sabertooth growled. "This whole trip feels like being in a story. A stupid, pointless, **insane** story!"

"Less talking, more marching!" The supply officer shouted at him. "Move it!"

"Forget about Lieutenant Waddell," The young legionnaire told them. "He just hates being assigned to supply duty."

"He's not the only one," Mastermind and Sabertooth glared daggers at Remy.

"The name's Jack," The young legionnaire continued.

"Hi Jack!" Pyro smiled and made the introductions.

"Exactly what has happened to my life," Mastermind moaned. "It's been hijacked!"

"So, tell me more about this girl," Jack grinned eagerly. "What's she like? Is she pretty? Do you have any photographs?"

"Don't ask," Remy cut Pyro off before he could elaborate about his stuffed platypus. "You're better off not knowing. Trust me. And why would you ever want to join up with this outfit just to forget about a _femme_? Unless she was a homicidal maniac and wanted to kill you."

"You've never met my ex-wife," An Italian legionnaire quipped. "Or my ex-mother-in-law!"

"One joins to forget the pain of lost love," Jack quoted romantically. "Haven't you ever had feelings for a girl? Not just in passing, but a deep, unconditional yearning?"

"Well, yes," Remy admitted.

"A girl you long for. A girl who is unique and occupies your every waking thought?" An Irish legionnaire spoke up.

"Uh huh," Remy nodded.

"A girl you absolutely can not live without and all you want to do is hold her in your arms and never, ever let go?" A German legionnaire went on. "While knowing you can never so much as touch her?"

"Oh yeah," Remy's eyes glazed over.

"Can you envision the unimaginable pain if you had to live with the knowledge that you could never, ever see or be with her again?" Jack pressed.

"Nooo," Remy's voice was that of a lost soul.

"Wouldn't you do anything to help make you forget?" Jack asked.

"If only," Mastermind groaned. "You have no idea what we have to put up with!"

"Please do not go on anymore," Piotr begged. "His obsession is bad enough as it is."

"Rogue...Rogue..." Remy whimpered mournfully.

"Oh no, not again," Sabertooth growled. "Thanks a lot, Jack!"

"Remy? Remy, snap out of it!" Piotr shook him several times.

"Rogue...Rogue!" Remy blinked and began stumbling toward a mirage. "_Chérie, _you're here...you're beautiful...you're in a swimsuit..."

"You're about to kiss a mule," Mastermind wheezed as the pack animal avoided Remy's embrace. "Where's a camera when you need one?"

"Hey Gambit! Stop chasing after some silly optical delusion!" Pyro called out after him. "You're disturbing the mules."

"They aren't the one who's **disturbed**," Sabertooth grunted at Remy. "And I thought Pyro was nuts!"

"Oh dear. He is gone," Piotr groaned at Remy's addled state. "How are we going to snap him out of it?"

BAM! BAM! BAM!

"Ahhhhhh!" Mastermind yelled as the crack of rifle shots split the air.

"Berbers! Take cover!" Lieutenant Waddell ordered.

"_Embuscade! Sacré bleu!_" Legionnaires quickly broke ranks and took up defilade positions around the rim of a small sandy depression.

"Yikes!" Pyro yelped as some of the frightened mules scattered and ran off. One managed to clip the side of Pyro's head with a kick and knocked him out.

"Uh oh," Piotr gulped as thousands of mounted Berber tribesmen appeared out of the rocky dunes and swarmed around the position. "This is not good!"

"Gahhh!" Remy blinked having snapped out of his daze. "What the heck's going on?"

"We're having a tea party! What do you think is going on?" Sabertooth snapped as bullets whizzed through the air.

"Lieutenant Šnejdárek!" The captain in command of the infantry column shouted above the din. "Take the southern flank! Send riders back to...ahhhhhh!" Blood sprouted from the captain's chest as he tumbled from his horse.

"Oh no!" Mastermind cried and huddled behind a remaining mule. "We're going to die! We're all going to die!"

"Silence you coward!" The tough supply sergeant roared and smacked him in the head with his rifle. "Be a man and fight to live, don't live to die!"

"Let me at 'em!" Sabertooth roared and shot out of the depression only to fall back with three bullets in his face. "Gaaaggghhh!"

"We are outnumbered!" Piotr armored up as the storm of Berbers raced to envelop the knot of less than eighty legionnaires.

"They're out of range!" Remy cursed after trying to toss charged cards over a hundred yards only to have them explode short. "Too bad we can't say the same!"

"Is that artillery fire?" The handsome, steely-eyed Lieutenant Šnejdárek noticed the explosions. "Whoever is using those things is a lunatic!"

"You have no idea," Sabertooth hissed as he waited for his eyes to heal.

"Aggghhh! Ahhhhhh! Gurrrk!" Scores of legionnaires screamed as they were hit from the nearly overwhelming rain of bullets. Piotr ran about and tried to shield them with his body while carrying the wounded to cover, but could not cover them all. Soon only a handful of legionnaires were still able to fire back.

"This is impossible. They can not hold out much longer," Piotr studied the scene in worry.

"Neither can we," Remy gasped slumping down having spent most of the time dodging incoming fire. "I'm all out of water!"

"Why doesn't Mastermind make some illusions and scare the attackers away?" Piotr asked.

"He's all delusional from shock and lack of water," Remy said. "Not to mention having a dead mule fall on his head!"

"Figures," Sabertooth spat in contempt. "Spineless wimp! Can't he do something useful for once?"

"The sky is falling," Mastermind eyes looked haunted as he spasmed uncontrollably. "It's falling and is raining mules..."

"The Berbers are preparing to charge!" Lieutenant Waddell shouted as the incoming fire slackened slightly. "Fix bayonets!"

"Oh dear," Piotr gulped at the hiss of steel as the few remaining able legionnaires did so.

"About time," Sabertooth growled readying his claws. "Let 'em come. I'll tear 'em to pieces!"

"I don't know if I'm gonna make it through this one, Piotr," Remy told him quietly. "If I was fresh and rested sure, but not when I'm all worn out and dehydrated."

"Maybe we could surrender," Piotr suggested.

"No surrender! Fight to the death!" Lieutenant Šnejdárek thundered at his men. "Remember Camarón! Remember Tuyên Quang! Remember Taghit!"

"Remember to tell my momma I loved her!" Mastermind bawled.

"So much for that idea," Piotr signed.

"You'll make it, _mon ami_. You have to," Remy steeled himself as the Acolytes prepared for their last stand. "If you make it make back home...**when** you make it back home...tell Rogue that I lo..."

"You will tell her yourself," Piotr promised. "You will not die today!"

"Wanna bet?" Sabertooth quipped.

"Here they come!" Jack yelled staring down his rifle sights.

"Hold your fire until they get close," Lieutenant Šnejdárek ordered as the Berbers charged while shrieking fearsome war cries. "Steady...aim..."

FA-WHOOOOOOSHHHHHH!

"What the?" Every legionnaire gasped as a blinding light filled the sky.

"HAHAHAHAHA!" Pyro laughed maniacally having regained consciousness. He had created an enormous fire dragon with his pack and sent it flying at the Berbers. "YEAH! YEAH!"

"AAAHHHHHHHHH!" The Berbers screamed in terror as they immediately broke and turned back as fast as their mounts could carry them.

"I can't be seeing what I think I'm seeing," Jack blinked in shock. "It must be a mirage!"

"Yeah, just keep telling yourself that," Remy quipped.

"AFTER THEM ME BEAUTY! FLY! FLY! HA HA HA!" Pyro cackled while making the dragon breathe fire.

FWOOOOOOM!

"YAAAUUUGGGHHH!" The Berbers shrieked in horror and scattered in all directions.

"Yes! Way to go Pyro!" Mastermind cheered dazedly. "I can't believe I just said that!"

"Ah, crud," Sabertooth cursed. "Why does the Firebug always get to have all the fun?"

"Okay, I think that is enough Pyro," Piotr gulped as some of the desert sand turned to glass from the fire's heat.

"_Puff the Mutant Dragon yodeled with a lisp!_" Pyro sang happily. "_And frolicked in the fluffy clouds while burning them to a crisp!_"

"Enough!" Piotr ran up and covered Pyro's pack and eyes.

"Hey! Leggo!" Pyro yelped as the fire dragon went out. "I'm not done yet!"

"Yes you are," Remy snapped. "Do you want us to make you another straitjacket?"

"That was incredible!" Lieutenant Šnejdárek strode over in awe and with a slightly wounded arm. "After thirteen years in the Legion I have never seen anything like that!"

"Aw, it was nothing," Pyro waved modestly. "You should see what I can do with some propane and thermite..."

"Not you! Him!" Lieutenant Šnejdárek pointed at Piotr with respect. "Dashing from man to man, shielding them with your body. You must have saved the lives of half the company, including my own and Lieutenant Waddell's. And you did it all without receiving a scratch!"

"Uh, you are welcome," Piotr blushed and quickly revered to his non-armored form before turning to face Lieutenant Šnejdárek.

"I'm going to recommend you for the Legion of Honor," Lieutenant Šnejdárek nodded and studied the rest of the legionnaires. "We suffered many wounded, but no dead. But we can't evacuate them without relief. I need volunteers to go for help."

"We'll go!" Remy piped up quickly.

"We will?" Mastermind blinked slowly coming out of his daze. "What happened to staying with these guys until we can use the machine?"

"We can use the machine. It's finally done cooling down," Remy said quietly.

"Are you **kidding** me?!" Mastermind yelped. "It couldn't have finished doing that an hour or a few **days** ago? That thing has a lousy sense of timing!"

"A true irony if there ever was one," Remy quipped.

"Fine. You men go, but I can't spare the remaining mules," Lieutenant Šnejdárek informed the mutants. "March ahead to Fort Musaeid and have them send a relief force."

"Fort Musaeid?" Mastermind blinked in shock. "But that means..."

"Quickly! Before the Berbers recover and come back!" Lieutenant Šnejdárek ordered.

"Right," Remy nodded. "Let's go!"

"About time," Sabertooth growled. "I can't wait to leave this region and go home again!"

"The Legion is our Homeland?" Lieutenant Šnejdárek mused mishearing Sabertooth's last comment. "Hmmm, I like that!"

"Looks like you guys are off," Jack nodded as the Acolytes prepared to head out and find someplace out of sight to use the machine. "I'll see you when you get back."

"Um, yes. About that," Piotr coughed. "Do not be surprised if we do not come back."

"Going to desert, huh?" Jack nodded in understanding. "Can't say I blame you. Deserting is another great tradition of the Legion. Just make sure you do it after sending help!"

"Right," Remy confirmed. "Don't suppose you want to come with us?"

"Na, I only have two years left until my stint is done," Jack grinned back. "I've got plans for when I get out. Think I'll join up with one of those new airplane outfits and learn how to fly."

"Sounds good to me," Pyro smiled. "Good luck!"

"Thanks. Look me up in the States if you ever make it back," Jack said shaking Remy's hand. "Remember, the name's Jack. Jack Fury."

"Fury?" Sabertooth did a double take and looked as Jack walked off to help with the wounded. "Na, it couldn't be..."

"C'mon. Let's get outta here," Remy headed off for the nearest dune.

"Okay," Piotr said slowly following him. "But how are we going to send help? We can not just leave those men there."

"Yes we can," Sabertooth snapped. "We're doing it right now!"

"No problem, _homme_. I'll handle it," Remy assured him. "Pyro, make a big fire arrow in the sky pointing to this location."

"You got it!" Pyro grinned unleashing an enormous fireball. "There! That baby can be seen from forty miles away!"

"I think can be seen from forty **light years** away," Sabertooth grunted as Remy made Pyro let the fire dissipate after a minute.

"There. Friendly forces will have to have seen that and will send troops out to investigate," Remy said. "Happy?"

"I guess so," Piotr shrugged.

"Fort Musaeid. I don't believe it," Mastermind shook his head in shock.

"What's wrong, mate?" Pyro asked. "Is that fort located in a bad place or something?"

"It's not the place. It's the name," Mastermind explained. "Musaeid means 'assistant' or 'associate' in Arabic. But in some circumstances it can also be translated as 'acolyte'!"

"WHAT?!" Sabertooth roared. "Are you **kidding** me?"

"Fort Acolyte," Remy rolled his eyes. "I should have known!"

"Wow," Piotr blinked philosophically. "That is quite a coincidence. Maybe it means we were meant to be here."

"Maybe it means somebody up there has a sense of humor," Mastermind muttered. "A sick and twisted sense of humor!"

"I can't wait to write all this stuff down in my memoirs," Pyro chirped happily. "Maybe I'll publish them like I do with my novels. They'll be a bestseller for sure!"

"Yeah right," Remy snorted at the thought. "Having some nutcase write insane stories about us and end up with people liking them. What are the chances of **that**?"

* * *

><p><strong>Historical notes: Josef Šnejdárek was a Czech soldier who served 43 years in the French Foreign Legion. He later became a general after serving in World War I and the Polish–Czechoslovak War of 1919 A.D.<strong>

**James Waddell was a ****New Zealand**** soldier who served 26 years in the French Foreign Legion. He later became one of ****New Zealand****'s most highly decorated soldiers of World War I, receiving the Legion of Honor and seven times recipient of the _Croix de Guerre_.**

**"The Legion is Our Homeland" (_Legio Patria Nostra_) is one of two unique mottoes of the French Foreign Legion (the other being "Honor and Fidelity"). While many theories have been proposed over the years, the exact origin of the motto has never "officially" been determined. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own the song "Puff the Magic Dragon".**


	38. Acolyte or Bust!

**Acolyte or Bust!**

"Gahhhhhh!" Remy yelped in shock as all the sweat on his body suddenly turned to ice. "Yeeooow! Oh momma that hurts!"

"I'm cold!" Pyro whimpered hugging himself.

"**You're** cold?!" Mastermind spat out a mouthful of snow. He had landed in a snowbank that was almost as tall as he was. "I'm turning into a popsicle as we speak!"

"Aw, shaddap ya wimps," Sabertooth snorted in contempt. "What a bunch of freeze babies. It's only about ten below zero out."

"Ten **below zero**?!" Pyro yelped.

"Yeah," Sabertooth took an experimental sniff. "Of course that's **without** including wind-chill..."

"Oh, geeze! Talk about jumping out of the frying pan into the freezer," Remy shivered while desperately rubbing his hands together. "I think my tear ducts just froze!"

"We need to get out of this alley," Piotr looked around at the line of snow-covered wooden buildings. The ice-coated streets of the surprisingly large city appeared to be deserted. "I see lights in some of the windows."

"Great! Let's go!" Pyro rushed.

"Wait," Piotr placed a warning hand on his shoulder. "Shouldn't we try and find out where we are first so we do not run into any surprises? What does the machine say?"

"Just a minute," Remy reluctantly opened his trench coat and stole a quick peek at one of the machine's screens. It read:

**March 2, 1898 ****A.D.  
>Dawson City<strong>**, ****Canada**

"Huh, how about that," Sabertooth grunted at the news. "Never thought I'd wind up back here again."

"**Again**?" Piotr blinked in surprise. "What are you talking about? And where exactly is here?"

"We're in the Yukon," Sabertooth growled above the wind stinging like needles against their cheeks. "Right in the middle of the Klondike Gold Rush."

"Gold?" Remy's eyes perked up slightly.

"Yeah," Sabertooth said absently thinking about the date. "Though I won't actually get here till after the spring thaw..."

"Will you idiots shut up!" Mastermind snapped tumbling out of the snowbank. "I'm freezing my butt off while you're standing around yapping about nothing! Let's get outta here and find some heat!"

"Yeah!" Pyro whimpered. "I c-can't feel my nose!"

"Sorry," Remy's teeth chattered uncontrollably as the Acolytes carefully made their way out of the alley. "Blanked out there for a second. The cold is making me all numb."

"That's different from your usual self, how?" Sabertooth jeered.

"I think there is a hospital over there," Piotr said as he tried to clear a path through the snow. "They might let us stay for free."

"Forget that," Sabertooth stomped off in a different direction. "I'm getting a drink!"

"Me too!" Pyro stumbled after him. "I want a hot chocolate!"

"Wait for me!" Remy and Mastermind followed after them.

"But...but...ohhhh," Piotr sighed and reluctantly went along with his teammates. "I have a bad feeling about this."

"Gahhh," Remy gasped as the Acolytes entered a large crowded saloon and gambling hall. It had a long bar, dozens of gaming tables and a wide dance stage. "Finally, a place where my breath isn't in danger of freezing solid before falling to the ground."

"Barely," Mastermind shivered uncontrollably. "My hands are still like ice! Where's the stove?"

"Ugh," A tough, burly miner got up from one of the tables and drunkenly bumped into Sabertooth.

"Hey, watch it!" Sabertooth snapped.

"Outta my way ya hairy flea-bitten wolveri...accckkk!" The miner choked as Sabertooth picked him up by his throat.

"What did you say?" Sabertooth's eyes blazed dangerously.

"Urrrkkk," The miner gurgled weakly.

"That's what I thought you said!" Sabertooth yanked opened the door before hurling the unlucky miner into the snow. "And stay out!"

"Oh dear," Piotr groaned and placed a hand over his eyes.

"Now how about some service here?" Sabertooth growled stomping up to the bar.

"Uh," The bartender gulped nervously at the Acolytes. "W-what will it be?"

"I want a hot chocolate!" Pyro piped up.

"So do I," Remy admitted.

"I guess I will have one too," Piotr gave in.

"I don't care what you have so long as it's hot," Mastermind blew on his hands.

"You must be kidding..." The bartender trailed off as Sabertooth casually crushed a nearby mounted elk skull with his bare hand. "Hot chocolates coming up!"

"And a beer," Sabertooth glared at him showing his claws. "Along with a bottle of the strongest stuff you got."

"Y-yes sir, right away!" The bartender practically fell over himself scrambling to fill Sabertooth's order. "That'll be three and a half pennyweights of dust."

"Dust?" Piotr blinked in confusion.

"Yes, gold dust," The bartender motioned at a small balance scale. "Or five dollars whichever you got..." He was stopped short by four angry mutant glares. "...b-but since you're new here, all your drinks are on the house!"

"Alright," Remy managed to grin as Sabertooth harried the bartender to hurry up. "This might not be so bad after all."

"Of course," Piotr sighed in resignation.

Soon the Acolytes were all nursing various beverages and had stowed away their _képi _covers. "Oh, that's good!" Pyro purred slurping his chocolate.

"Good for cocoa mix anyway," Remy said taking a gulp. "It's as grainy now as it will be in the next hundred years."

"I kind of like it," Piotr sipped from his glass. "Except for the taste."

"Now if only it had some marshmallows," Pyro said wistfully.

"Your **brain** is a marshmallow," Sabertooth growled knocking back a drink. "A super mini one that's been burned to a crisp!" He slammed his empty beer mug on the counter. "Fill 'er up!"

"Yes sir!" The nervous bartender scrambled to comply.

"Well, I guess I'd do this for a Klondike bar," Remy quipped as he warmed his hands with his glass. "Now where are the pretty Klondike barmaids that go with it?"

"Yoo-hoo!" A line of dancing hall girls strutted onto the stage.

"That'll do," Remy grinned.

"Oh my," Piotr blushed at the sight.

"Eh, whatever. I'm going to find a stove and try to thaw out my kidneys," Mastermind grumbled walking off.

"I'm getting another hot chocolate!" Pyro chirped.

"I can think of better ways to warm up," Remy smiled watching the dancing hall girls strut their stuff. "Like sharing body heat with some of those lovely _femmes_."

"Excuse me," A relatively well-dressed man sided up to Remy. "Wilson Mizner's the name. You're a cheechako, aren't you?"

"A what?" Remy gave him a look.

"A newcomer to the Klondike," The man explained. "Not some old sourdough trying to forget your troubles."

"If you say so," Remy said neutrally.

"Well, then you're in luck, my friend," Mizner flashed a con-man's smile and indicated a nearby table stacked with cards and chips. "Cause I have a tip for you. Why waste your time doing backbreaking mining labor when you can make a fortune without leaving this room!"

"Oh really," Remy recognized the man's game and pretended to act dumb. "How so?"

"Cards, my friend. They're the real motherlode here in the Klondike," Mizner pointed to several men seated around the table who where obviously professional card sharks. "And I happen to know that those gentlemen are loaded and would make easy pickings for such a smart, handsome and able man like you."

"I am feeling lucky," Remy gave a small calculated smile.

"Well then, let's go!" Mizner expertly guided Remy to the game table in anticipation. "I'll even front you a small grubstake to get you started."

"How generous," Remy felt like a fox let loose in a chicken coop.

"Howdy," One of the non-card sharks greeted him tipping his hat. He had dark eyes, thinning hair and appeared to be in his late twenties. "Name's George Rickard. Most folks call me Tex. Do you know poker?"

"I think so," Remy suppressed a grin and smoothly took a seat. "Deal 'em out!"

"For the last time Frederick, if you want to invest in building the Fairview Hotel you'll do it as a junior partner," A tough, dark-haired woman snapped and one end of the bar. She wore a fine dress, thick fur coat and appeared to be in her mid-thirties.

"I think not, Ms. Mulrooney," A well-dressed, dark-haired man argued back in a German accent. He had a neatly trimmed beard and appeared to be about thirty years old. "I will build a hotel on my terms and without any _verrückt _ideas. Besides, I have far more business experience."

"What experience?" Mulrooney retorted. "I've started more businesses in the past year than you have your whole life. My five mining claims alone are worth more than all your assets put together!"

"Then I will build another hotel on my own," Frederick declared. "There is plenty of room in this town."

"Your **head** has more room for a hotel than this town," Mulrooney quipped.

"Why don't you both get a room and kill each other?" Sabertooth muttered as he downed another drink before bellowing for a refill. "Crud, I forgot this place had even more cutthroat wannabe-tycoons than Wall Street."

"Hello, sir," A young curly-haired man approached him from the crowd. He appeared to be about twenty years old. "I'm Sid Grauman. Would you like to buy a newspaper?"

"No," Sabertooth growled.

"You seem to be new here," Grauman commented. "Do you have any newspapers you would be willing to sell?"

"Do I look like a newsstand to you?" Sabertooth snapped glaring at him. "Beat it, kid!"

"Do you have anything that contains news of the outside world?" Grauman pressed. "The newer it is, the more I'll pay."

"You're gonna pay with your face if you don't leave me alone," Sabertooth warned dangerously. "Now get outta here before you end up like the Maine!"

"Maine? What are you talking about?' Grauman blinked in confusion.

"The U.S.S. Maine," Sabertooth grunted recalling the date. "It blew up last month."

"WHAT?!" Grauman gasped in surprise. "Now that's news! How do you know that?"

"I was there," Sabertooth said casually.

"WHAT?!" Grauman goggled. "And you came all the way up here in winter? How is that possible?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," Sabertooth growled taking a gulp of beer.

"This is amazing!" Grauman frantically patted his pockets for something to write with. "People are going to pay a fortune to hear this! I'll pay you a hundred dollars if you tell me everything you can about the Maine."

"Forget it. Bar talking ain't my style," Sabertooth spotted the miner he had thrown out earlier stomp back into the saloon along with half a dozen of his friends. "But that is."

"Please! This is the best news I've heard in months!" Grauman begged. "An explosion. How exciting!"

"You like exciting explosions, pal?" Sabertooth grinned as the group of miners made their way over to him looking on a fight. He emptied the remains of his mug before throwing it over his shoulder. "Then stick around for this!"

"I hate this stupid trip," Mastermind shivered as he dragged an empty chair right in front of the saloon's stove. He plopped down in it and desperately tried to get warm. "Oh my joints, my ears, my toes. I miss being in the desert!"

"Hey, get outta the way!" A large, thick-bearded man rumbled from a table behind him. "You're blocking the heat."

"Shut up and leave me alone," Mastermind snapped back. "I'm freezing here."

"You're leaving here," The man got up and loomed over Mastermind. Several men with him followed suit. "Now move it, shrimp!"

"Ha! You think you can scare me?" Mastermind looked at the men in contempt. "I've lived with experts! You can't intimidate me!"

"I'll show you scared!" The man roared reaching for him.

"Want to bet?" Mastermind's eyes glowed as he began to use his powers. "Intimidate this!"

"Um, I think that is enough hot chocolate for now Pyro," Piotr gulped worriedly at the alarming number of hot chocolates Pyro was consuming at the bar. "Don't you think you have had enough?"

"No way," Pyro grinned taking a swig. "I haven't hit my limit yet! I usually stop around ten."

"You have had sixteen," Piotr pointed out.

"They're small glasses," Pyro smiled finishing off another one. "The first few don't count."

"Oh no," Piotr gulped nervously as Pyro began to cackle giddily. "I knew you should not have had so many hot chocolates." He suddenly crossed his legs. "And I should not have either. Excuse me." Piotr set down his glass and quickly headed for the door.

Piotr wrapped his frock coat around him and trudged down the snowy street looking for an outhouse. He finally found some near the edge of town and took care of business. "Thank goodness we stocked up on toilet paper in Detroit," Piotr sighed as he prepared to head back.

"Help! Help!"

"Huh?" Piotr froze hearing the cries. He followed it to a small alley where a thin figure was being set upon by four large, rough-looking men.

"Help! Somebody help me!" The figure yelped.

"Quiet you!" One of the men slammed a fist into the figure's stomach. "Quit stalling and give up your money!"

"Urrraaahhh!" Piotr charged into the alley while armoring up everything except his head. He grabbed two of the men and carefully threw them aside.

"What the?" The remaining two thugs tried to jump Piotr, but he easily shrugged them off. "Get him!"

"Look!" One of the men got a glimpse of Piotr's red, black and gold uniform beneath his frock coat. "He's a Mountie!"

"A what?" Piotr blinked as the men tried to rush him. Piotr easily knocked them all unconscious before turning to the figure. "Are you okay?"

"Ohhh," The figure moaned weakly. Piotr bent down to see a young, sickly-looking man with swollen gums and four missing front teeth. He appeared to be about twenty one years old.

"Come on," Piotr carefully helped the figure up. "We have to get you someplace safe."

"What's going on here?" A tall, barrel-chested man with a bristling mustache strode into view. He wore a red serge, blue breeches and a white pith helmet despite the numbing cold. "Speak up, man!"

"I was attacked. Those men tried to rob me," The young man pointed at them.

"What? The cads! Stand aside. Superintendent Samuel Benfield Steele will take care of this!" The big man confidently strode into the alley. "Egads! They're all knocked out! Who did this?"

"He did," The young man nodded at Piotr gratefully. "This Mountie took them all out with his bare hands!"

"It was nothing," Piotr said returning to his non-armored form.

"Well done, man!" Steele vigorously shook Piotr's hand. "You're exactly the kind of man the NWMP wants as its image. Tough, stoic, polite, fearsome protector of the law!"

"NWMP?" Piotr repeated.

"North-West Mounted Police," Steele explained. "How could you not know that?"

"Well you see. I am not a..." Piotr began.

"Never mind. I'll take over from here," Steele looked down at the four thugs Piotr had downed. "Ah! I know these men! They're all members of Soapy Smith's gang! I warned that rascal about limiting his operations to Skagway."

"Uh," Piotr looked very confused.

"I'll want to question these ruffians personally," Steele declared turning towards Piotr. "Go help that young man, get his statement and report back when you are done."

"Um, right," Piotr decided to go along and helped the young man down the street. "I will not hasten you to walk."

"_Maintiens le droit_?" Steele repeated mishearing Piotr's words. "Ah, yes. French. 'Defending the law'. Hmmm, I like that! Good show!"

"Ohhh, it's cold," The young man shivered miserably. "How can you stand it wearing that thin coat?"

"I am used to it," Piotr said while generously blocking most of the wind with his body. "It was much colder where I grew up."

"My name's Jack," The young man said.

"Hi Jack," Piotr said.

"No, I wasn't hijacked. I came to Dawson City willingly," Jack explained.

"Okay," Piotr blinked before muttering under his breath. "That joke was not funny the first time."

"I hoped to strike it rich like everyone else. Instead I'm nothing but a busted, sickly sourdough," Jack wheezed.

"Sorry to hear that," Piotr sympathized.

"Those men jumped me when I went to use the outhouse," Jack continued. "All the chamber pots in the hospital had been either broken or stolen!"

"I see," Piotr winced at the thought.

"Where are you taking me?" Jack asked. "St. Mary's Hospital is the other way."

"Uh well, my friends are staying in a place just up ahead," Piotr said. "It is warm, close and I can get you something to drink for free."

KA-BOOOOOOM!

"That is if the place is still standing," Piotr groaned as the saloon came into view.

"AAAHHHHHH!" Several burly men went flying through the door.

"FIRE! FIRE!" Two more ran out with flames searing the seats of their pants. "YEEEOOOWWW! THAT HURTS!"

"NOOOOOO! NOT THE CLOWN BUNNIES!" A very frightened man tumbled out while seemingly slapping at thin air. "HELP! THEY'RE GONNA EAT ME!"

"What is going on?" Jack blinked in confusion.

"I am afraid to find out," Piotr sighed as they entered the saloon.

"RRROOOAAARRR!" Sabertooth was gleefully taking on a pack of miners while snagging the occasional flying drink out of the air. "I love the Klondike!"

"Lalalalala!" Pyro happily skipped around the stage with a dancing hall girl on each arm and a flock of fire birds above their heads.

"Who's scared now?" Mastermind's eyes glowed as he sat in front of the stove while his former tormentors lay curled up on the floor in terror. "Are you intimidated yet?"

"YAAAHHHHHH! A DEMON IS COMING UP FROM THE PIT TO SUCK THE LAST OF MY SOUL AWAY!" The bearded man shrieked in horror. "AAAGGGHHHHHH, WORSE! IT'S MY WIFE!"

"Read 'em and weep, boys," Remy revealed an ace-high straight flush at the poker table.

"Not again!" The group of former card sharks had been reduced to nothing but their underwear. "How does he do it?"

"Must be beginner's luck," Remy smirked raking in the enormous pile of chips, cash and bags of gold dust.

"I don't believe this!" Mizner shivered at the table having also been reduced to his underwear. "We were supposed to be partners! I want my grubstake back!"

"I already repaid you with interest three hands ago," Remy reminded him. "Hey, nice watch!"

"Wahoooooo!" Pyro giggled insanely while turning the stage lamps into fireworks. "Yeah! Yeah!"

"Oh dear. Pyro is on another sugar rush," Piotr groaned. "I wonder if fire insurance has been invented yet."

"Wow, you were right," Jack gaped as Sabertooth tossed miners around like toothpicks while guzzling beer straight from the taps. "The drinks here really are free!"

CRASH!

"Ahhh!" Remy yelped as a flying miner crashed head-first into the poker table.

"MONEY!" The undressed card sharks quickly dove on the loose winnings in a feeding frenzy.

"Hey! That's mine!" Remy shouted diving into the fray. He started charging up spilt chips and fallen cards. "Never steal from a thief!"

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

"Yikes!" The terrified bartender wept as the air filled with fire, explosions and flying bodies.

"DEAREST, PLEASE! I SWEAR I WASN'T PLANNING TO RUN OFF WITH YOUR SISTER!" The bearded man's eyes were wild in fright. "NO NOT THE AXE! AAAUUUGGGHHH!"

"PINK SPIDERS! ANYTHING BUT THE PINK SPIDERS!" One poor soul shrieked while desperately clawing at his face. "AAAHHHHHH! GET 'EM OFF ME! GET 'EM OFF ME!"

"Note to self: never make Mastermind mad," Piotr gulped as the men screamed in terror from the illusions.

"Yeah! That's it!" Mastermind laughed derangely. "Those lunatics aren't the only ones who can drive others crazy. I can make people crazy too!"

"This is wild!" Grauman huddled under a table while watching the madness in all its insane glory. "You can't beat entertainment like this! It even beats out that gold-seeking talking duck with a Scottish accent!"

"Flames for everybody!" Pyro cackled filling the hall with fire butterflies.

"How does he do that?" Jack blinked in wonder.

"It's simple, mate!" Pyro smiled overhearing him. "Nothing to it but to build a fire!"

"To Build a Fire," Jack repeated slowly. "Hey, that sounds like a great title for a story!"

RRRIIIPPPPPPPPP!

"NO! NOT THAT! WAAAUUUGGGHHH!" A pair of miners stumbled by now wearing dancing hall girls' dresses.

"GIVE ME THAT MONEY!"

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!"

"Let me out of here! This town is too _übergeschnappt_ for me!" Frederick screamed dashing for the door. "I am going to switch to developing real estate in New York! No madness is ever going to be associated with the line of Frederick Trump!"

"Ooo, what a fight," Rickard blinked dazedly stumbling after him. "That hairy guy must be a professional or something. Hmmm, professional fighting. Not a bad idea!"

WHOOOSSSHHHHHH!

"HAHAHAHAHA!" Pyro laughed insanely engulfing the saloon's chandeliers with their own fires.

"Okay, time to go!" Piotr grabbed Pyro and started dragging him towards the exit. "Let us get out of here while there is still a city left!"

"Thanks again!" Jack shouted after him. "Whatever happens, remember you'll always have a friend in Jack London!"

"Hey, leggo! I'm not finished yet!" Pyro squawked as Piotr dragged him out of the saloon. "Auuuggghhh! It's cold out here!"

"Well it is too hot in there!" Piotr shouted. "Stop struggling or I will drop you in a snowbank to cool you down!"

"Awww," Pyro pouted.

"AAAGGGHHHHHH!" More miners fled from the saloon in terror.

"Yeah, you better run ya wimps!" Sabertooth strode up while polishing off one final beer. "I'm Victor Creed: King of the Klondike!"

"Better than the four kings of fools I left back there," Remy appeared patting his pockets. "Wonder how much these mining claims I won are worth?"

"I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY!" The bearded miner ran off screaming like a little girl. "I'LL GRANT YOU A DIVORCE! PLEASE? **WHAT?! NOOOOOOOOO!**"

"Run...cry...hehehe," Mastermind giggled hysterically stumbling out of the saloon. "You all were right. It **is** fun to drive other people nuts!"

"Looks like Pyro isn't the only one to suffer a sugar rush," Remy quipped.

"That's it, Masty!" Pyro squirmed out of Piotr's grip and slapped Mastermind on the back. "About time you let your hair down and cut loose!"

"YAAAHHHHHH!" A trio of flaming outhouses raced down the street while being dragged by a team of sled dogs.

"Wow, Mastermind's illusions are getting better all the time," Piotr blinked.

"That's not an illusion," Remy told him. "Must be some native sport or custom or something."

"Who cares? The night is long and there are plenty more bars and dancing halls in this town," Sabertooth grinned stomping off eagerly. "Let's hit 'em all!"

"YEAH!" Remy, Pyro and Mastermind cheered.

"NO!" Piotr shouted futilely as the rest of the Acolytes gleefully stormed into the next saloon. "Looks like gold is not the only **madness** that will end up hitting the Klondike!"

* * *

><p><strong>Historical notes: Wilson Mizner was a con-man, singer and entertainer during the <strong>**Klondike**** Gold Rush. He later became a successful playwright, raconteur and screenwriter on both Broadway and ****Hollywood****.**

**George "****Tex****" Rickard was a prospector, gambler and entrepreneur during the ****Klondike**** Gold Rush. He later founded the ****NHL** **New York**** Rangers, built the third ****Madison** **Square** **Garden**** in 1926 A.D. and became the greatest and most well-known promoter of professional boxing.**

**Belinda Mulrooney was an entrepreneur and reportedly the richest woman in the ****Klondike****. She built the Fairview Hotel, the largest and finest hotel in ****Dawson** **City****, in the summer of 1898 A.D.**

**Sid Grauman worked as a paperboy and entertainer during the ****Klondike**** Gold Rush. He later moved to Southern California, built Grauman's Chinese Theater in 1926 A.D., invented the idea of the grand movie premiere, the practice of putting stars' footprints in cement and became one of the most famous and creative showmen in Hollywood.**

**Samuel Benfield Steele was an officer of the North-West Mounted Police and headed the ****Yukon**** Detachment during the ****Klondike**** Gold Rush. He played a major role establishing and maintaining law and order in the Canadian Northwest and in making the NWMP internationally respected and famous. He later became the first commanding officer of the Lord Strathcona's Horse regiment during the Second Boer War and briefly commanded the 2nd Canadian Division during World War I.**

**Jack London was a failed prospector during the ****Klondike**** Gold Rush. He left the ****Yukon**** in the summer of 1898 A.D. and later became a successful novelist, journalist, and short-story writer. He was one of the first fiction writers to obtain worldwide celebrity status and is considered by many to be ****America****'s finest author.**

**_"Maintiens le droit"_**** is the official motto of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, the successor to the North-West Mounted Police. While many theories have been proposed over the years, the exact origin of the motto has never "officially" been determined.**


	39. Saint Victor

**Saint Victor**

"Ahhh!" Sabertooth crowned as the Acolytes arrived in the next time period. "Now that's what I call a party!"

"That was what I call a **mess**," Piotr groaned dizzily. "Did you really have to hang the mayor of Dawson City from the ferry tower?"

"Hey, he kept crying about wanting to get above it all," Remy grinned. "We just helped him achieve it."

"Bloody bloke didn't even say 'Thank you'," Pyro huffed. "What an ungrateful galah! You'd think he would've stopped screaming and try to enjoy the peace and quiet."

"Quiet?" Piotr repeated in shock. "You all wrecked three saloons, two restaurants, a general store and the town mortuary in just under an hour!"

"It was a slow night, wasn't it?" Remy commented.

"Compared to the sleds you convinced those dancing hall girls to drag race down the main street, yes," Piotr moaned. "They had so many makeshift rockets attached to them they may have achieved orbit!"

"Don't blame us. It was their idea," Pyro defended.

"Ohhhhhh," Mastermind staggered about hugging his stomach. "What the heck came over me? Why did I do those things? I'm dying...I'm **dying**...oooooo..."

"That's what happens when you overdo it on hot chocolate and licorice sticks," Remy told him.

"Some people just can't hold their sugar," Pyro shook his head.

"Too bad more can not hold onto their sanity," Piotr sighed looking around. The Acolytes had appeared in the middle of a thick forest of towering evergreen trees. Birds chirped high above the canopy while shafts of sunlight pierced through the foliage. "Where are we this time?"

"Don't know. The machine is still working on it," Remy glanced at a screen.

"At least it's warm," Pyro smiled standing in a patch of sunlight. "And it smells so piney!"

"Gahhh, I want an antacid...I want my stomach pumped," Mastermind stumbled to avoid a tree only to run face-first into someone. "Auuuggghhh!"

"Auuuggghhh!" A dirty, disheveled man dressed in a rough linen tunic and dark hose yelped back. He coughed hard several times before keeling over face-first into the dirt.

"Oh yuck!" Mastermind staggered back and frantically wiped at his face. "I think I caught some fleas from that guy! Why didn't Sabertooth hear him?"

"Why didn't you **sense** him?" Sabertooth shot back. "Are you too sugar-brained to use your powers?"

"Oh dear," Piotr gently nudged the fallen man with his boot. "I think he is dead."

"What?!" Mastermind yelped.

"Oh yeah. He's dead alright," Sabertooth snorted taking a few sniffs. "Surprised it didn't happen sooner. This guy reeks!"

"Way to go, Masty. You're the first one of us to ever literally scare somebody to death," Remy quipped. "Not even Sabes has managed to do that."

"I did not! He is not!" Mastermind and Sabertooth snapped at the same time.

"What should we do?" Piotr asked standing over the body. "We can not just leave him here."

"Let's cremate him!" Pyro chirped readying his flamethrowers.

"NO!" The Acolytes yelled at him.

"Don't even think about it!" Remy shouted.

"Or the next one who will wind up dropping dead is **you**!" Sabertooth roared. "Right after I rip out your throat!"

"Awww," Pyro pouted. "You blokes are no bloody fun at all."

"You don't want to know what **I** would find fun right now," Mastermind grumbled.

"Just leave him here, _homme_," Remy told Piotr. "We'll tell somebody in town where to find the body and let them handle it."

"What town?" Piotr looked at him in confusion.

"That one," Remy pointed at a large village through a break in the trees. A worn, winding path ran through the forest to it.

"Oh," Piotr blinked.

"C'mon. Let's find someplace to rest and wait for the machine to finish cooling down," Remy began heading down the path. "Might even find a place to catch a nap."

"Sounds good to me," Mastermind moaned stumbling after him. "Anything is better than trying to sleep in the cold, hard dirt."

"Okay," Piotr said as the rest of the Acolytes followed them.

"Hey, nice place," Pyro said as the mutants emerged from the forest and saw the village basking in the bright sunlight. "It's kinda rustic."

"More like a rat trap," Sabertooth growled at the thatched roofs and stone buildings clustered near a small flowing river. "Place doesn't even have a decent village wall."

"I like it. It kind of reminds me of home," Piotr said looking around. "But the fields do not seem to be cared for very well. They are all overgrown with weeds."

"Who cares? Let's go in and find someplace to sleep," Mastermind panted. "I have a headache."

"At least we don't have to worry about spooking anyone here," Remy glanced around at the empty streets and closed doors. Even the market square was deserted. "This is getting creepy. Where is everybody?"

"There's no sign of fighting or looting," Sabertooth noted critically.

"Maybe it is abandoned," Piotr suggested.

"Then who put out all the burning pots?" Pyro pointed at the smoke pouring from dozens of clay pots lying around the village. "They don't even have flames in them."

"_Ha,_" A young girl in a patched linen kirtle and runny hose appeared in front of them dragging a half-full water bucket. She had light hair held under a worn kerchief and appeared to be about six years old. "_Plaire ne sai departi._ _Me requerre avreit._"

"What's she saying?" Remy frowned in confusion. "It sounds like she's speaking some old version of French."

"She is asking us for help," Piotr told him. "Turn your translator back on."

"Right," Remy nodded as he and Mastermind did so.

"Pleas help me," The girl looked up at them with wide eyes. "I don't know what to do."

"That's okay, sheila," Pyro chirped. "Things always tend to work out for me and I **never** know what to do."

"Big surprise," Sabertooth snorted.

"There, there little one," Remy said in French. He walked over and picked up the bucket. "We'll help you if you can point us to the nearest inn or tavern."

"Good idea," Sabertooth growled. "I could use another drink."

"Oh please. Not again," Piotr groaned.

"Will you help?" The girl looked at them in confusion. Remy nodded. "Thank you. Hurry! This way!"

"Whoa, slow down little one," Remy smiled in amusement as the girl practically dragged him down the street. "What's the rush? And where is everybody?"

"Maybe they were driven off by all the smoke," Pyro suggested as they passed a burning pot. "I bet they'd come back if we made a big ol' batch of fire soup!"

"Guys, I don't feel so good," Mastermind coughed.

"I am not surprised after going from desert to tundra to here," Piotr remarked. "Your body is probably just in shock."

"No, it's something else," Mastermind hacked wetly.

"Here," The girl led them to what was either a small house or a large hut. "My name is Clarisse. You are very brave. No one comes here anymore. Many have left."

"Why? What's so hard about fetching water for..." Remy trailed off as he entered. "Oh my gosh!"

"What? What is it?" The rest of the Acolytes quickly crowded inside to see.

"Ugh," Pyro recoiled at the sight of two poorly dressed figures sprawled on a crude straw mattress in a corner of the room. One appeared to be a thirty year old man while the other was a boy no older than ten. Both of their skins were covered in purple patches and black buboes. "That's gross!"

"Oh my!" Piotr struggled not to throw up.

"Oh no," Mastermind paled stumbling back. "Oh no, no, no!"

"Yuck," Sabertooth winced at the smell. "And I thought those miners I beat up smelled bad."

"Well? Can you help?" Clarisse looked up at them.

"What's the date?" Mastermind ignored her while looking like he was about to faint.

"Huh?" Remy stood frozen having dropped the bucket in shock.

"The date!" Mastermind repeated.

"Oh. Uh, just a second," Remy looked down and saw one of the screens had cleared up. It read:

**May 13, 1349 A.D.****  
>Couvin, Hainault<strong>

"Uh," Pyro looked confused. "I have no idea where this place is."

"Sounds like another forgotten place in time to me," Sabertooth grunted.

"Oh my gosh!" Mastermind blanched and began to shake. "Oh my gosh!"

"Not so loud," Piotr held up a hand. "These people are sick."

"They're not just sick!" Mastermind began to sweat in fear. "They have bubonic plague! The Black Death!"

"WHAT?!" The mutants shouted.

"Are you sure?" Remy pressed.

"Of course I'm sure!" Mastermind snapped. "Just look at the date!"

"Uh, I was never really good at History," Pyro coughed scratching his head. "Who knew it would ever have any **practical** applications?"

"The attitude of dumb teenagers everywhere," Sabertooth quipped. "And everyone else!"

"We have to get out of here!" Mastermind ran for the door only to collapse into a coughing fit. "Oh no. It's too late! I've caught the plague!"

"How is that possible?" Remy asked wiping his brow. "We haven't seen any rats or touched anybody who's infected."

"That man in the woods," Piotr realized. "He got very close to Mastermind."

"He must've had the plague and passed it on," Remy concluded. "That's why he fell over dead."

"I told you it wasn't because of Mastermind," Sabertooth grunted. "He's not scary enough."

"Okay, just stay calm," Remy tried to ignore the numbing terror building inside him. "Mastermind is sick, but the rest of us are okay."

"No you aren't," Mastermind coughed up some phlegm. "The Black Death wasn't just spread by fleas. One version of the plague spread through the air. Just breathing the same air from an inflected person could kill you!"

"WHAT?" Remy yelped.

"Ooo, I don't feel so good," Pyro looked somewhat woozy.

"I am okay," Piotr closed his eyes for a second. "I just have a headache."

"What are you waiting for?" Clarisse tugged at Remy's sleeve. "Please help them!"

"Sorry, _petite_. We're getting outta here and jumping around until we find a modern hospital," Remy prepared to use the machine. He then noticed one of the screens. "Oh no! The thing is still on cooldown!"

"Oh great," Mastermind began to feel nauseous. "We're all going to die!"

"We are not going to die," Piotr wiped his forehead while stumbling out the door. "We just need to wait until we can use the machine."

"Like **that's** worked so well for us before," Remy cursed following him. Sabertooth grabbed Mastermind as he and Pyro trailed after Remy. "We gotta make an override button for that thing."

"What is going on? Where are you going?" Clarisse called after them.

"Good question," Mastermind groaned before being struck by another coughing fit. "Let's hope we are around long enough to answer it."

* * *

><p>One hour later...<p>

"Ohhhh," Remy moaned while curled up on a ratty blanket. The Acolytes had found a nearby house whose former residents had apparently left to flee the plague. "My head."

"It hurts," Pyro whimpered hugging his stomach.

"Oooooo," Piotr gagged next to him while heavily bathed in sweat.

"I hate my life...I hate my life..." Mastermind wheezed before hacking up more phlegm.

"Look on the bright side," Sabertooth grunted standing over them. He was the only one not inflected. "Odds are you won't have it for much longer anyway."

"The machine," Piotr gasped feeling very short of breath. "Is it...?"

"No," Remy felt himself alternating between chills and hot flashes. "Still not ready."

"I hate you all," Mastermind coughed weakly. "I hate this time...I hate that stupid machine..."

"I want a fire," Pyro's entire body began to shake uncontrollably. "I want my Charlene..."

"Well, looks like there's only one thing to do," Sabertooth bent down and began to removed Remy's trench coat.

"What?" Piotr croaked gazing at him blearily. "Are you going to nurse us back to health?"

"Nope," Sabertooth told him. "I'm taking the machine and blowing this dump."

"WHAT?!" Mastermind gasped while being hit by another coughing attack. "Are you crazy?!"

"Hey! Stop it!" Remy tried to fend Sabertooth off, but was already too weak from the plague.

"There, that's better," Sabertooth took the machine and strapped it over his trench coat. "Hey, it's finally done cooling down."

"Good. Now we can jump to another time period that has a cure," Piotr wheezed hopefully.

"**I** can jump," Sabertooth corrected him. "The rest of you clowns are staying put. And don't count on me ever coming back."

"What?! You can't just **leave** us here!" Mastermind sputtered. "Traveling to another time period is the only chance we have!"

"Oh, that's a brilliant idea," Sabertooth snorted. "And what if you plague-carriers end up in the middle of the Renaissance? Or the time of Ancient Greece? Or practically any time and place before ours? You'd end up wiping out millions more people and changing all of history as we know it."

"That's a risk I'm willing to **take**!" Remy made a grab for the machine.

"Well I'm not," Sabertooth easily stood up and backed out of range. "For once I'm gonna be the responsible one and act like a hero. Gotta prevent killing too many people and risk messing up the timeline."

"But we're **dying**!" Pyro wailed. "You gotta save us!"

"Leaving us here is sure to mess up the timeline," Mastermind weakly pointed out.

"Not if you're **dead**," Sabertooth growled. "I ain't saving your lives if it risks the chance that I never end up being born! Oh yeah, and risk killing millions of other people too."

"How can you just abandon us like this?" Piotr gaped at Sabertooth in horror.

"Easy. I can walk," Sabertooth quipped heading for the door. "So long, losers."

"No! Wait! Come back! Sabes!" The cries of the doomed Acolytes rang after him.

"About time I ditched those fools," Sabertooth grunted as his teammates' screams gradually began to fade. "Ah, peace and quiet at last. I should've done this ages ago."

"Wait! Where are you going?" Clarisse appeared from her home and ran up to him. "Please! Come back!"

"Beat it, kid," Sabertooth casually brushed her off. "And no, you can't come with me!"

"Your friends are sick like everyone else. You can not leave!" Clarisse gazed up at him.

"They were already sick. Sick in the head," Sabertooth growled. "Now leave me alone!"

"Please! Everyone else in the village is sick! There is no one else who can help!" Clarisse cried.

"That's life, kid. You'll get used to it. I did," Sabertooth felt Clarisse's big eyes watching him as he prepared to use the machine. He frowned and hissed before stomping off until he was sure he was out of her sight.

"Dumb kid. Actually thinks someone will just come along and help out. Well, she'll learn soon enough. The only one you can count on is yourself," Sabertooth felt a slight twinge of sympathy before brushing it aside and activating the machine. At least, that is what he tried to do.

"Huh?" Sabertooth frowned and attempted to use the machine again. And again. And again. And again. "What's wrong with this piece of junk? I watched the Cajun do this before." He then noticed a reading on one of the screens. "Fuel empty? It figures!"

Sabertooth cursed and patted his pockets. "What the? Where's all the soap? Oh, that's right. I stuffed it into those miner's mouths during the bar fight." He sighed and headed back into the village. "I'll just grab some from those lunatics. They sure aren't going to need it anymore."

Sabertooth neared the house where he had left his teammates and annoyingly stomped in. "Alright. I'm back. But only because the machine needed more soap..." He stopped abruptly realizing he had entered the wrong house.

"Mama, wake up." A pale, worn woman lay on a thinly stuffed mattress. She appeared to be in her mid twenties, her skin covered in black buboes. Clarisse knelt next to her weeping while desperately holding her hand. "I don't want to be alone. Please, don't leave me. I'm scared..."

Sabertooth stood frozen as an old memory slowly filled his mind:

_"Mama, wake up." A pale, worn woman lay on a thinly stuffed mattress. A young, eight year old Victor Creed knelt next to her weeping while desperately holding her hand. "I don't want to be alone. Please, don't leave me. I'm scared..."_

"Mama...mama..." Clarisse sobbed before breaking into a coughing fit. She bowed her head revealing the first black bubo forming on her neck.

"It's okay, kid," Sabertooth grunted softly behind her. "You ain't gonna be alone."

"You're back," Clarisse turned towards him, her teary eyes filled with hope. "Will you help?"

"Yeah, I'll help," Sabertooth sighed and set off to find his teammates. _I know one of those fools raided a First Aid kit while we were in __Detroit__. What kind of First Aid kit comes with hypodermic needles? Of course, it **was** the 70's..._

* * *

><p>Thirty minutes later...<p>

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WERE GOING TO ABANDON US!" A newly healed Mastermind shouted while looking very ticked off. "WHAT KIND OF SICK, INHUMAN PERSON ARE YOU?"

"But he came back," Piotr said stretching his arms. The Acolytes were all fully healed and rested once more. "You did decide to come back because of us, didn't you?"

"Yeah, whatever," Sabertooth grunted absently. "I didn't want to carry around a load of soap and the stupid machine anyway."

"Mama! Mama!" Clarisse and her mother sat together on the mattress hugging each other, the black buboes now almost completely gone.

"Awww, that's so cute," Pyro sniffed wiping his eyes.

"Guess you really have a heart after all, huh Sabes?" Remy grinned.

"More than I have blood," Sabertooth grumbled staring at Clarisse. "That little hustler kept dragging me around to inject people all over the village."

"Does she know it was your blood you were injecting people with?" Piotr asked.

"Oh course not," Sabertooth snorted. "She thinks it was a special potion or something. Handled her own injection like a pro though. Didn't even flinch."

"Thank you, sir!" Clarisse broke free from her mother and gave Sabertooth a big, relief-filled hug. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

"Uh...sure, kid," Sabertooth mumbled and awkwardly patted the girl on the head. He saw Remy and Piotr smiling at him and reluctantly tried to pry the girl away. "Okay, leggo."

"Awww, look. Sabes is just a big, soft ball of fluff after all," Pyro cooed.

"Shut up, Firebug!" Sabertooth could only glare at him. "People have **died** for daring to say stuff like that about Victor Creed!"

"Victor," The girl said slowly before looking up at Sabertooth with a bright smile. "Saint Victor!"

"WHAT?!" Mastermind sputtered in indignation.

"Oh man! That's priceless!" Remy howled slapping his knee.

"I gotta see the statues they carve out for him!" Pyro guffawed.

"How about I carve out your **tombstone**?" Sabertooth lunged at him, but was hindered by Clarisse. "Grrr, get off me! You're causing circulation problems here!"

"There he is!" A pack of healthy young kids roared into the house and immediately rushed Sabertooth. "You saved us! Yay!"

"Looks like every kid in the village has come to pay homage to a real living saint," Mastermind grinned evilly. "We will give you all some privacy."

"See ya!" Remy smirked heading out the door.

"GET BACK HERE YOU LUNATICS!" Sabertooth roared as the rest of the Acolytes left the house right before he was mobbed under the pack of kids. "YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE ME LIKE THIS!"

"Ha ha ha!" Mastermind cackled. "Payback is sweet!"

"Lucky Sabes," Pyro laughed happily. "Getting a hug from every little tacker around!"

"He's doomed," Remy chuckled as the mutants made their way down the street. "Death by hugging. No good deed really does go unpunished."

"Are you sure those kids will be okay?" Piotr asked worriedly. "Maybe we should go back to make sure they do not get hurt."

"Na, they'll be fine," Remy waved his concerns aside. "If those kids can survive giving Sabertooth a hug they can survive **anything**!"

* * *

><p><strong>Historical note: The Black Death (also known as bubonic, pneumonic and septicemic plague) was one of the most devastating pandemics in human history, killing an estimated 75 million people worldwide during the 1340's and 1350's A.D. It killed an estimated 20 million people in <strong>**Europe**** between 1347 A.D. and 1353 A.D. appearing all over the continent, although a few small, isolated parts of ****Belgium**** were spared (along with other remote regions in ****Poland****, ****Spain**** and ****Italy****). While various theories have been proposed over the years, the reason parts of ****Belgium**** did not succumb to the disease has never "officially" been determined.**


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